Suave's Republique Cricket

De Nederlanders slaan de Engelsen
Where's Dirty Dirk?!

De Nederlanders celebrate a famous victory over The England.

What the fuck happened there?!

Destiny, my friends, that’s what.

After mastering total football in the 70’s under Johan Cruyff, de Nederlanders have now decided to do the same in 20/20 cricket.

Watch out boys and girls, they were unstoppable  (except by Ze Germans) at football during that time, and are bound to do the same to all and sundry in this 20/20 World Cup (luckily Ze Germans are not here).  Never before has there been such a sublime display of a cricket, from a side wearing oranje.

Dirty Dirk bowled well, without any real penetration.

It was left to a couple of old blacksmiths to cause the damage.  Darron Reekers who started off in big bludgeoning style, followed up by Tom De Grooth, who smashed The England all over Lords.   Jrod loved it so much he almost threw up!

My man Ryan Ten Doeschate even got in on the act, a cracking allround display, with a red inker and taking the wickets of Ravi Bopara & Luke Wright.

The England have two young stars at the top of their order, and the rest are a bunch of cunts.   Even Rob Key, the fat knacker.

The bowling, beyond the opening pair was shithouse.   Rashid looked good against the West Indies, but was goes for too many runs.  He reminds me of Stuart MacGill, long hops, full tosses and the odd unplayable delivery.  No fucking good at 20/20, I’m afraid (and surely the fact that he doesn’t get in Yorkshire’s side, should have given them some idea, no?).

Stuart Broad couldn’t hit six stumps, the useless Ricky Schroder lookalike fucktrog.

I’m happy to lose to the Dutch though, because it might make this bunch of fuckfaced De Engelsen players actually learn to play proper 20/20 cricket.   Hardly any of them actually play it,  they’re learning the game in T20i’s.

Here’s to getting spanked by Pakistan on Sunday, and being out of the competition within 3 days!  Good times, my friends!

Shoaib Akhtar Has Genital Warts
Shoaib shows his warts to Geoff Lawson

Shoaib shows his warts to Geoff Lawson

The PCB have just released a press statement saying that the skin problem Shoaib Akhtar was suffering from is genital viral warts!

What the fuck is that all about, surely they didn’t need to state exactly what was wrong with the fella?!

Who out there didn’t believe it to be an STD?

Not fucking many of you, I wager.

I’m glad they did mind, cos this is comedy gold!

This has got to be the first time anyone has been pulled from a tournament due to an STD, hasn’t it?

The dirty fucker,  and I mean that literally!  There’s going to be thousands of men & women all over the subcontinent and beyond, suddenly booking themselves into the local clap clinic.

I reckon that’s why Dildo went back to India, to get himself checked out.  We know he loves a bif of cock, and that’s why he’s not at the IPL now.  I wonder if Fake IPL Player has any news on this

Joy O’ Joy.

Dear Young Pakistani Cricketers….
January 20, 2009, 4:06 pm
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: , , , , , , , ,

It’s OK to do drugs, as long as you’re not playing in a competiton, lots of love Pakistan Cricket Board.. KTHXBAI.

Look at me, I’m spangled man! Lies lies from tiny eyes.

Drug addled fucknut, Mo Asif, busily scouring the streets for his next hit.

The World Anti-Doping Agency (WADA) will have no jurisdiction over Mohammad Asif’s detention case in Dubai, when the fast bowler was detained at Dubai Aiport after being caught in possession of opium, in June last year.

The PCB has received a letter from WADA about the case, and though opium is on the list of banned substances – because it contains morphine – the board feels an internal inquiry is the way ahead.

“It [opium] is a drug because it contains morphine,” said Salim Altaf, the chief operating officer of the PCB. “From that perspective it is a banned substance. However, if this drug in the possession of an individual and it’s out of competition, we have to look at that perspective as well. All angles will have to be looked at. I don’t think WADA has any jurisdiction in it.”

Tommy Cooper, we salute you.
January 20, 2009, 11:49 am
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: , , , , ,

Not much to report today, Sri Lanka are doing terribly against Pakistan.   Mahela Jayawardene has turned into a joke, averaging 7.4 over his last 10 odi’s.  Oh dear, may be it’s time to look at dual captaincy, and to drop the fella?

Whilst trying to edumacate you kids in the finer parts of t’internet, and jokers being my subject of the day, I found this about Tommy Cooper.    Lovely little cricket joke.

‘So I said to the doctor. ‘People keep taking the Mickey out of me because I keep thinking I’m a cricket ball’

‘The doctor said ‘Howzat?’

I said, ‘don’t you start’.

Busy Busy Bee..
June 11, 2008, 1:01 pm
Filed under: Cricket, quiz | Tags: , , , , ,

I’m tied up today, but I will endeavour to create Mims’ prize for tomorrow, I promise!

Two things to add today.

Giles Clarke is gonna get Suave Smashed.  Stephen Brenkley from The Independent is too much of a light weight to do the job properly.  When you grow up on the mean streets of Basildon, fighting becomes an important skill!

Pakistan = Rubbish.  They were beaten like an abused housewife by India yesterday, which is funny as hell, especially after Geoff Lawson wanted them to inflict serious pain upon them!

Mohammed Asif is a coke head (allegedly!)
June 3, 2008, 12:00 pm
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: , , ,


Someone forgot to remove the coke from his wallet.

This happened to a friend on their way back from Amsterdam, and the security guard found a small wrap of cocaine, and said to her. “You might want to lose that before you get back to Britain, yes..”

She had a squeaky bum moment. I wonder whether the guy would have been so lenient on the way in to his Country?

Anyway, Asif has added another beauty to his long list of major fuckups. Dumb ass.

Six word review: Pakistan and Bangladesh

So children, it’s time for the last edition of six word reviews (unless Zimbabwer become a test nation again, which doesn’t look as though it’s going to happen any time soon!)

We now rejoin the old Pakistan & East Pakistan, in an old “I met my former flame on facebook after thirty years”, kind of way.



Salman Butt: Funny name, averages thirty, that’s shit.

Nasir Jamshed: Mum makes plum conserves there. Nice!

Younis Khan: One day brilliant, next day shit.

Yousuf Youhana (Mohammad Yousuf): Brilliant, boring, Mama call him Youhana.

Shoaib Malik: Skipper, no-one else wanted it. Alright.

Misbah-ul-Haq: Misbah Cricket: LIke Inzy, but slim.

Shahid Afridi: Mentalist, shall I defend? No, SMASH!

Kamran Akmal: Ugly; used to be good, now rotten

Sohail Tanvir: Bored with seam, how about spin?

Umar Gul: Bad back, moves ball both ways.

Iftikhar Anjum: 27, fuck off, he’s nearly forty!

East Pakistan

Tamim Iqbal: His dad was fatter than Inzy!

Shahriar Nafees:Scared the shit out of Aussies.

Aftab Ahmed: Scored 82no in Durham. Now pony.

Mohammad Ashraful: Big lips. Who’s he looking at?

Raqibul Hasan: Not Saqibul Hasan, which confuses me.

Shakib Al Hasan: Is Saqibul Hasan! Shovel Shot Specialist

Mohammad Mahmudullah: All-rounder: All round shit, basically.

Farhad Reza: Batsman, opens bowling too. How queer.

Dhiman Ghosh: looks like convict carlos the jackal.

(have a look at his profile on Cricinfo!

Mashrafe Mortaza: Vice Captain, fiery fella, still shit.

Abdur Razzak: left arm spinner, one of millions.
That was hard work, thankfully the few beers at lunch and the full bladder allowed me to pile through!