Suave's Republique Cricket

New Zealand touch down.

After my visit to the dentist yesterday (fortunately no woot canaw), I had the whole afternoon to myself. I decided to check out Middlesex vs Glamorgan at Lords.

I seem to be a bad omen for cricket at Lords.

Last time I went it f*cking hammered it down non-stop for two hours, and I was literally soaked through. Wet socks, undergarments, and all.. I eventually got a cab home, only to find the sun out, and play actually happening. Damn Lords, and it’s amazing drainage.

Yesterday, I got off the tube at Regents Park in bright sunshine, and was soaked by the time I’d walked the mile to Lords.

While I was hiding from the rain, I was stood outside the ECB indoor nets, just as the New Zealand squad were arriving to practice before their game with an MCC XI on sunday.

I saw Tim Southee, the bucktoothed young buck. He was wearing flup-flops in the rain.
One of the coaches wasn’t even wearing that, no shoes at all. Actually come to think of it, the fella was short and bald, it might have been rubbish saffer all-rounder Grant Eliott.

Angry man Mark Gillespie isn’t any where near as angry off the pitch. I’m assuming he’s like Andre Nel, and suffers white line fever. He was very nice to the anoraks near me, who were autograph hunting.

I joked with Chris Martin about his batting coaching video. He laughed and said he’d give me a one on one for a few hundred quid! It sounds funny when foreigners say quid.

Jamie How looked old, and helped the van driver unpack the water for the boys. He might have to get used to that if the doesn’t start scoring runs soon!

There was also lots of fellas, that I had no idea who they were.

One thing I will say, is that test cricketers appear bigger in the flesh. Not height wise, you sort of expect them to be a certain height. I mean depth. Jamie How is about the same height as me, but is about twice as thick. (probably in more than one way, what, what!)

John Bracewell looks craggy.

I’ll be creating my picture-metaphor prize for Osmoses, after he successfully guessed the winner to last weeks quiz.

Six word reviews. The England vs New Zealand

After reading a great article here. I’ve decided to do a six word review of every player, from every test match nation.

I shall start, as is my wont, with the recently victorious The England, and their plucky opposition New Zealand

The England

Alastair Cook: Promises much, will he deliver soon?

Michael Vaughan: Michael Vaughan thinks Michael Vaughan’s wonderful. (can i get away with Vaughan’s? You Decide)

Andrew Strauss: Wing Commander needs to soar again.

Kevin Pietersen: Ever told you I am great?

Ian bell: Foreplay beautiful, intercourse over in seconds.

Paul Collingwood: Gritty northener, shovels to leg often.

Tim Ambrose: Australian wanky wicky, we shall see.

Stuart Broad: Boy band bowler, looks very good.

Ryan Sidebottom: Lion of Huddersfield likes to roar.

Jimmy Anderson: Hot wife, hot and cold bowling

Monty Panesar: Sikh of Tweak fields like spastic.

The Old Zealand 

Matthew Bell:  miss, swing, swing, miss, miss, out.

Jamie How:   How indeed?  better in ODI’s, shit.

Stephen Fleming:  Plays wonderfully until fifty, then out.

Matthew Sinclair:  Fuck I’m shit, Shoot me please

Ross Taylor:  Did well, will get found out.

Grant Elliot:  If test quality, god help us.

Brendan McCullum: Smash bang wallop, shit dropped it.

Daniel Vettori:  Used to Bowl, now a batsman.

Tim Southee:  Buck toothed young buck comes good.

Jeetan Patel:  Bowl better than skipper, still dropped.

Chris Martin: Comical batting, used to have hair.

Coming tomorrow, India vs South Africa or West Indies vs Sri Lanka

The England win first away series since 2005!

Wowow wewoow, The England have done it away from home, finally.

This is good, because it means I’m one step further away from a pink sparkly t-shirt, stating my true intentions for the bearlike south african opener.

A few more series wins like this, and it’ll be Miss-Field who starts to sweat!  That I heart The Barmy Army shirt, is gonna look lovely!

A deserved win, after some outstanding test match cricket.   I’ve always thought that to win a test match, you need at least four players to come to the party, and perform to their best.The England had Kevin Pietersen in the first innings, rescuing us from nowhere.

The Lion Of Huddersfield followed that up with his 7/47 to give The England a first innings lead.

Wing Commander Strauss then turned in his career highest score, with 177.

Stuart Broad had a wonderful all-rounders performance with 73 runs at an average of 73, and 5-132 match bowling figures.

Monty Panesar finsished with 6-126, career best figures, which would have looked a helluva lot better, had Tim Southee not brought out THE RAGE

The buck toothed young buck had a blinder last night,  scoring the fastest test match 50 in New Zealands history, after borrowing Stephen Flemings bat.

Ross Taylor ended the series as the highest run scorer, with 310 runs at an average of 51.66.  He could have a great future in international cricket this lad, very easy on the eye, and has a sound technique.

Fleming looked beautifully composed again in his final test series, never being out before 31 or after 66.  Consistent to the end.

Now for the return leg.

I imagine that we’ll see a pretty different side from NZ.  Jamie How will probably keep his place, but the walking wickets of Bell & Sinclair should be put out to pasture, and Grant Elliot looks as though he’d struggle against North Middlesex’ fourth team.

The England fight their way from absolute shit, to a bit shit.

I play with a bunch of halfwits.. lucky I’m not bad, eh!

Kevin Pietersen got the runs that were obviously saved in his run bank, and by doing so, saved The England’s blushes.

After last nights super angry RANT, I’ve calmed down a touch, and will provide a proper analysis of the days play.

Michael Vaughan is still stupid.

Strauss is going to be whipped within an inch of his life, if I get hold of the posh twat.

Cook needs to be sent back to county cricket to work out where his off-stump is. Stupid naked cricketer.

Collingwood needs to push on, and make a good score soon. Ambrose is forgiven as he’s new and he’ll need a little run in the side to get used to international cricket.

Stuart Broad was superb in making 42no, and supported KP ably with a 61 run partnership.

From a NZ point of view, Young buck Tim Southee bowled superbly to take 3/43.

Martin and Elliott were excellent in support, both taking a wicket.

Jeetan Patel took 2 and supported his skipper nicely.

Vettori looked a bit flat to be honest, but his captaincy was good.

It’s going to be an interesting day tomorrow. Stuart broad needs to push on and get us over the 300 run mark. If he can, it’ll give us a small chance.

Stupid f*ckheads.

It’s just after 10pm here in The England, and the missus is out watching the NY ballet.

I’ve just had myself a nice grease soaked pizza, and I’m having a few ales watching the cricket.

The stupid fuckarses that make up The Englands top order, have capitulated royally and The England were 4-3 after 7 overs.

Vaughan played down the wrong line AGAIN!!! What the fuck is his problem, that’s the third time in three tests he’s done that.  Fucking thunderbird twat.

In comes Wing Commander.  This fucker needs his wings clipped.  Shithead.  Strauss played at one that was a foot outside off-stump, his weight was back rather than forward, and he was out caught in the gulley for 0.

FEC Cook, got himself out to a loose drive off the bowling of Coldplay front man Chris Martin.  Inside edge, gate wide enough to drive cattle through, and he’s back in the pavillion.

KP & Ian Bell at the crease, and we’re in real trouble.

Angry is an understatement for what I’m feeling now.  I want to smash houses and burn villages.

10 overs, 9 runs, 3 wickets on what everyone is saying, is an absolute belter.

Twats.  The lot of them.

Third Test Preview

Oh dear! At the risk of getting some serious abuse in five days time, The England will win this test match, and the series.

New Zealand have lost their two best bowlers from this series, in Jacob Oram and Kyle Mills.

They’ve replaced them with Grant Elliot a dirty saffer, all-rounder. His first class form looks OK, with an average of 28 with the bat, and 34 with the ball. I don’t think he’s going to trouble The England too much, but I’ve never seen the man play.

Mills is replaced by young buck Tim Southee, for a proper piece of journalism about this fella pop over to Cricket With Balls. When I say proper journalism, I mean Ice cream of consciousness blogging. But what blogging!!

He looks as though he could be someone to look out for, after being voted player of the tournament at the recent u19 world cup, but he’s no Shane Bond.

Jeetan Patel comes in for Angry Man Gillespie, which should bog The England’s middle order down no end. We really need to start scoring at a better rate against him and Vettori. It’s said that The England struggle playing spin, but the county championship is full of left arm orthodox and off spinners. It’s a matter of rotating the strike. If you watch Clarke, Hussey and Ponting playing spin, they take lots of singles, and then smash the bad balls.

As for The England, it looks as though the team will remain unchanged, although their are small doubts about Collingwood and Anderson. Andersons ankle knack is still a bit sore, but he should be fit. Collingwood has bruised his calf muscle, but again, he should be fit to play.

Players to watch..

The England

Kevin Pietersen. KP since being married has turned into a full blown The Englishman, which means he has no luck, gets out in the 20’s and 30’s a lot, and never goes on to score big. He’s going to pummel an attack soon, and this attack really should be it.

Stuart Broad. Young stud had a great 2nd innings in Wellington, showing proper aggressive fast bowling. This is going to be a very different surface, but if you want to be one of the best bowlers in world cricket, you need to learn to take wickets on all kinds of pitches.

Kiwi Land

Tim Southee. He’s got a chance to get himself on to the team bus to The England, if he performs in this test. If he gets smashed, it could see him quickly back to first class cricket with no more cricket for a few months. We’re going to see the character of this young buck on show tonight.

Daniel Vettori. If it’s as slow as it was in Hamilton, Vettori’s going to be a proper handful. His batting has been superb recently, but his bowling figures are a fair bit below fellow left arm orthodox spinner Monty Panesar so far.

My prediction is for The England to win this test comfortably.

What’s new pussycat?

I was going to write about Darrell Hair, but he’s a cock and I can’t be bothered.

Miss-Field and King Cricket have already written lovely pieces about this.

Part of me wishes I could be bothered to write about him for the puns.  Alas, today, I’m in more of a buns than a puns mood.

So for those who are in a buns mood too…

I love buns.

In other cricket news.  Paul Collingwood expects The England top six to kick on and get some big scores soon.

He also stated that it’s difficult to score centuries when batting at six.  Presumably, this is because it’s difficult to bat with the tail, and unless you get a decent knock with someone either above you in the order or the wicket keeper, you’re fucked.

Now I know why I’ve only ever scored one century in my cricketing career, they keep putting me in at six.  The swines!

It’s absolutely, positively, nothing to do with me being a shit arse slogger, who goes for 0 or 40.  Honest.

Tim Southee, the young buck kiwi quick has been added to the NZ squad for the final test, and may well get the nod in place of angry man Mark Gillespie.  I’m assuming this is because Gillespie has two stock deliveries, half tracker and the half volley.    Any one who gets all of their wickets by bouncing tail-enders, needs a reminding of this on many occasions by those same fellas in his innings.  Just ask the South Africans who bounced Devon Malcolm, on the 3rd day of a test, he was peppered by Donald (who’d been smashed around by Gough and Daffy) and De Villiers, and came out fucking angry.  They were all out about 45 minutes after tea for 175 in 50.3 overs, with Malcolm taking 9-57.   This is what fast bowlers need to do, controlled agression.

Sadly for my friend Jrod at Cricket With Balls , the Victorian Bushrangers got their arses handed to them on a plate, by NSW who are basically the Australian A side, with Bracken, Lee, Clark, Clarke and Jacques, Macgill and Brad Haddin too.  This makes NSW Pura Cup champions for the fourth time in six years.

Good day to you.