Suave's Republique Cricket

De Nederlanders slaan de Engelsen
Where's Dirty Dirk?!

De Nederlanders celebrate a famous victory over The England.

What the fuck happened there?!

Destiny, my friends, that’s what.

After mastering total football in the 70’s under Johan Cruyff, de Nederlanders have now decided to do the same in 20/20 cricket.

Watch out boys and girls, they were unstoppable  (except by Ze Germans) at football during that time, and are bound to do the same to all and sundry in this 20/20 World Cup (luckily Ze Germans are not here).  Never before has there been such a sublime display of a cricket, from a side wearing oranje.

Dirty Dirk bowled well, without any real penetration.

It was left to a couple of old blacksmiths to cause the damage.  Darron Reekers who started off in big bludgeoning style, followed up by Tom De Grooth, who smashed The England all over Lords.   Jrod loved it so much he almost threw up!

My man Ryan Ten Doeschate even got in on the act, a cracking allround display, with a red inker and taking the wickets of Ravi Bopara & Luke Wright.

The England have two young stars at the top of their order, and the rest are a bunch of cunts.   Even Rob Key, the fat knacker.

The bowling, beyond the opening pair was shithouse.   Rashid looked good against the West Indies, but was goes for too many runs.  He reminds me of Stuart MacGill, long hops, full tosses and the odd unplayable delivery.  No fucking good at 20/20, I’m afraid (and surely the fact that he doesn’t get in Yorkshire’s side, should have given them some idea, no?).

Stuart Broad couldn’t hit six stumps, the useless Ricky Schroder lookalike fucktrog.

I’m happy to lose to the Dutch though, because it might make this bunch of fuckfaced De Engelsen players actually learn to play proper 20/20 cricket.   Hardly any of them actually play it,  they’re learning the game in T20i’s.

Here’s to getting spanked by Pakistan on Sunday, and being out of the competition within 3 days!  Good times, my friends!

Symonds in “I’m still a drunken fuckwit” shocker
June 4, 2009, 11:53 am
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: , , , ,

Stupid fucktard

According to cackinfo,  Andrew Symonds has been sent home again, for more alcohol fuelled shenanigans.

Now this shouldn’t come as a surprise to many, because he is a Brummy, and they’re all piss soaked tramps.  That and the fact that he was brought up in ‘Straya, the home of fucking god awful weak lager.

Whenever he comes here, he drinks the same amount, and forgets that our beer is about fourteen times stronger. They don’t call it tanglefoot for now’t, you know.

This has got to be the last time he ever gets to pull on an Aussie jersey, hasn’t it?  This must be number 6002 in his sozzled history, and surely that’s enough for any one predator.

Will this weaken the ‘Strayan 20/20 side?  I’d say yes, he averages 48 with the bat and 34 with the ball in T20i’s, them’s shit hot numbers.

What I’m trying to say is…


Australia are now officially shit again, and we can all laugh out loud at them.

Oh dear lord, the end is nigh…
Cooky smashing a six, yes A SIX, on his way to 77 from 55.

Cooky smashing a six, yes A SIX, on his way to 77 from 55.

What the fuck is going on here?!

Alastair Cook took his recent smackdown show to Kent again.  Last week he scored 80 from 56 balls against the spitfires, this week 77 off 55.  So far in the 20/20 cup he’s scored 197 runs at an average of 49.25 and a strike rate of 139.  Wow.  Thems good figures eh…

I like this a lot.  I always want to see an Essex boy do well, but he’s consistently annoyed the shit out of me, by being the most tedious fucktard the world has ever seen.

He rarely hits the ball in the air, scores his runs in test cricket at a snails pace, and is generally a grinder.

I think a season playing List A cricket, and 20/20 will improve the boy no end.   He’s made it clear that he wants to be considered for The England in all types of cricket, which is an admirable statement, and one that he appears to be backing up.

I’m looking forward to the day, that I look at a The England pyjamas match, and don’t want to cut my face in to slithers because eyeliner is opening the batting.  Let’s hope it’s not too far round the corner.

Alastair Cook in “I can play in pyjamas” shocker.

Cook, Broad & Anderson Naked

Opening day of the 20/20 championship, and The Essex were down at Canterbury to face the lowly Kent.

Alastair Cook opens the innings.

Then it all gets weird.

He scored lots, and quickly.  What the fuck is going on?  I fear the end is nigh children.  Bunker up, and await the Apocalypse.

80 from 56 balls.  QUE?!

Strangely enough, I know he can do that more regularly.  I watched him smash a double century at a run a ball, against Australia (Lee, Gillespie, Tait, MacGill, Kasprowicz) in 2005.

Why does he not do it more?  Because he’s an eyeliner wearing little shitbag..   I’m hoping this is changing, and his bollocks have actually dropped.

What O Children. Suave’s easing his way back in!

I’m still job hunting.  Although technically I haven’t done any for a week now.

I was in Germany last week, living the rock and roll lifestyle.  Sharing Jack Daniels from a bottle with Jim James, the lead singer of the finest live band in the world (My Morning Jacket), explaining the similarities and differences of baseball and cricket to the ryhthm section, Patrick and Two Tone Tommy.

When it was all over, I was happy to be going home.  Three days of travelling, drinking, and rocking had taken its toll, and Suave wanted to be at home with The Gris.

A little update on the Cricket now…

Super Smasher

Super Smasher

Graham Napier is my new hero.  Not only did he smash the highest score in 20/20 cricket in The England against Sussex two weeks ago, his batting since then has been full blooded to say the least.  He smashed Yorkshire around like the little boys they are, to reach the FP trophy final at Lords, and then chose to inflict pain on Northants last night too.  Not only that, but as an all-rounder he then took 4-10 in four overs to really butt-fuck the saffers.  Essex have now made it to the finals day in 20/20 at The Rose Bowl too.  Top work young fella my lads

If this lad isn’t picked in the squad for the Stanford Millionaires game, something is seriously wrong.

Yorkshire might be out of the 20/20 competition too, after forgetting to register an Academy player, who has a Pakistani passport.  He did captain The England under 15’s whilst holiding a Pakistani passport, so it seems strange that the ECB will punish Yorkshire for playing him, while he captained The England whilst a Pakistani Citizen?!

Bad week all-round for the Tykes, and my sympathies go out to Len, my favourite Yorkshire man.

Check back tomorrow for a full preview of The England vs The Saffers test series.   Real hard-hitting journalism, or as I like to say.  Shit.  but it’ll be funny shit, about what I’d like every The England/Saffer player to do for me, if they had to spend eternity by my side.

Until then, as Len would say.  Si’thee later.

Things that I hate today.

IPL.. Fucking hurry up and get to the semi-final stage.  I’m fucked off with watching stupid Kallis and Dravid pretend they aren’t ancient.

Matthew Hayden.  This goes without saying.

Greame Smith.  For wanting to be Hayden.

Steve Harmison.  For breaking Hoggy’s thumb.

Chris Tremlett. For looking like he should kill people, but being a meek and mild twat.

Jimmy Anderson.  For being a useless twat for four balls an over, and looking great the other two.

Stuart Broad.  For believing his own hype.

Monty Panesar.  For being a starfish.

The England Selectors.  For not picking Adil Rashid.

The England Middle Order.  For not scoring any runs, and looking far too comfortable.

Mark Ramprakash.  Fucking hurry up and score that century, so we can all move on. Please!!

WTF? Where has the technique gone.

Recently I was moaning about 20/20, and the fact that it can make ordinary players look good.

My reasonining, is that the pitches have all been made flat as pancakes, and thre is little to offer for the bowlers.  No real spin, swing or seam.  This allows bludgeoners to look good, as they can just smash through the line of the ball.  They had one pitch that turned square and seamed, and all of the players called it a joke.  Wankers.  Can you honestly imagine someone like “The Bearlike, Orphan Eating, Fuckhead“, playing Jim Laker on an uncovered Old Trafford or The Oval?  THat fucker wouldn’t average any where near as much as he does now.

In county cricket yesterday, five matches were played, and 64 wickets were taken.

It was a glorious day, all over The ENgland.  The sun was shining, the weather was sweet, boy, makes me want to move, those dancing feet, to the rescue, here I am!

What the batsman failed to take into account, was that most pitches had enough juice in them, to make it very difficult.   Too many players were undone, by seam and swing.  On pitches like ours in The England, you need to expect it to move off the pitch and through the air!

Unfortunately, it seems that batsman have missed out on this playing straight, or playing late lark, and are being constantly exposed.

In Lancashire’s innings yesterday, they were all out for 143, on a pitch that wasn’t that bad.  All 10 wickets were catches.  You’d think that the Durham players would have had a look at the way the Lancs batsman played, and adjusted accordingly.  Alas no, they were fuckwits too, being bowled out for a miserable 114.

Somerset were similarly shit yesterday.

If the ball swings, seams or spins, most international players look ordinary.  Bring back juicy pitches, and make the fuckers learn to play properly!