Suave's Republique Cricket

Alastair Cook in “I can play in pyjamas” shocker.

Cook, Broad & Anderson Naked

Opening day of the 20/20 championship, and The Essex were down at Canterbury to face the lowly Kent.

Alastair Cook opens the innings.

Then it all gets weird.

He scored lots, and quickly.  What the fuck is going on?  I fear the end is nigh children.  Bunker up, and await the Apocalypse.

80 from 56 balls.  QUE?!

Strangely enough, I know he can do that more regularly.  I watched him smash a double century at a run a ball, against Australia (Lee, Gillespie, Tait, MacGill, Kasprowicz) in 2005.

Why does he not do it more?  Because he’s an eyeliner wearing little shitbag..   I’m hoping this is changing, and his bollocks have actually dropped.

Straya are shit!
Strayan conquerers!

Strayan conquerers!

It’s official.  Australia are now only average as a cricketing side..  They’ve had their pants pulled down and been spanked by an abusive father.  It hurts kids, but get used to it!   This is what being a The England fan is all about!

The reasons for their collapse are many.  They lost two champions in McGrath & Warne, and any side would struggle after losing them.  They also seem to be moving into the old The England selection mentality, by chopping and changing players in the same way Zsa Zsa Gabor changes husbands.

Here is my in-depth, hard-hitting, journalistic reasoning for the current series loss.

Hayden is old and fucking stupid, so deserves to burn in the fiery depths of hell.

Katich should probably be captain, and remember to stop chasing really wide ones.

Punter needs to concentrate on his batting, it’s the only thing the boy does well.   He’s a fucking useless captain.

Hussey should be replaced by his brother, until he remembers how to score runs.

Pup Clarke to move up the order, and stick as vice captain.

Andrew Symonds is a prize cock and needs to fuck off and get fit, both physically and mentally.

Brad Haddin, one thinks, should have a long look at himself, and realise it’s not Adam Gilchrist in the reflection.  Stop it you fucking cud chewing cowcock.

Brett Lee.  Shoot the damn dog.  Shit, shit, shit.

Mitchell Johnson is their only decent bowler at present, and needs to be left as a shock not stock bowler.

Nathan Hauritz is not good enough to trouble the North Midd 4th XI, so why he’s playing for the “Number One” side in the world, I’ll never know?!

Peter Sizzle wants to spend a season playing first class cricket for Victoria.  Has real potential, but no way near enough experience..

Their is a bleak outlook for Australia for the near future.  I predict a three nil drubbing at home, and am pretty confident, that they’ll win fuck all in South Africa.   Not the best preperation for an ashes tour.

Check back later for my appraisal of the South Africa side, and Suave’s Suavest 2008 XI.


After reading mediawatch, the daily news column of, I found something to delight me further, even though I feel like dog turd.

Australia: Their Year In Sport
Rugby Union: Beaten in September’s Tri-Nations final.

Rugby League: Beaten by New Zealand in September’s World Cup final – a shock result described as the ‘most significant upset in the history of international rugby league’.

Cricket: Beaten in India and then on home soil by South Africa – their first series defeat in Austraila for 16 years.

Olympics: Even beaten by Great Britain.
It’s gone well then!

Have that you slags!
See how we slay all before us!

See how we slay all before us!

Have that you fuckers!!

After correctly predicting that Australia were piss-weak pansies (for those who don’t recall, it’s here.)

The Saffers proved how strong they are mentally, to defeat the Aussies, and chasing 414 in the fourth innings.   This is the second highest run chase of all time.  Pretty fucking good I’d say.

This brings me to Ricky Ponting.   Here’s some stuff others have written about the hairy little cockstick.  Jrod from the ever brilliant Cricket With Balls had this to say  “Excuse me Ricky“.

Also, take a look over at Beer & Sport, where Moses is in the mood for  a fight too!

What a prize cunt!

Firstly, he blamed the pitch.  Boo fucking hoo, the pitch was rubbish eh..  How come them dirty saffers could take 20 wickets on it?  Prick.

  • Maybe it’s picking two blokes with little or no first class experience, then putting them in against the two best sides in world cricket.  You’re honestly surprised that these fella’s didn’t bowl teams out?!  Fuck off dicksuck.
  • Maybe it’s because Brett Lee is weeping himself to sleep because his ex-wife is rooting someone with a bigger cock.  (I reckon your wife is too!)
  • Maybe it’s because you’re the worst captain in world cricket, and you’re finally being shown up for the half wit you really are.

All I can say is, there ain’t much love out there for you kid, so watch your back.. Know what I mean!

Australia v West Indies, 2nd Test review.

Indepth Player analysis.


Phil Jacques.  OMG he;s like so shit in the field and like had to hide from some other blokes shit long hops all match, and thing.

Simon Katich.  he looks like a crab and things, and he got hurt and stuff.

Ricky Ponting.  LOL, where’s that hair from, looks like he picked it up off the road and stuff. ROFL

Michael Clarke.  He’s so fit and that.

Mike Hussey.  God all I did was sleep when i saw this old bloke.  He’s like so boring and that.  Fuckoff grand dad

Andrew Symonds.  He looks like predator LMAO.  He’s scary like a bear

Brad Haddin.  ROFL, looks a bit like some ovvver bloke that used to bend down and things.

Brett Lee.  Gay, wants to design pants for teenage boys, ROFL.  Call the coPS

Mitchell Johnson.  big teeth xxxLMAOxxx Shit.

Stuart Clark.  BORIng.  Sent ME TO sleep and shit, and all that other stuff

West Indies

Xavier Marshall.  OMG looks nice, and fly.  Shoots to soon.

Devon Smith.  UGLY! Fuckoff uglyboy.

Ramnaresh Sarwan.  He’s like cute and thing, gets a bit crazy but goes all the way LOL xxx.x.xx

Runako Morton.  You gonna get raped.  OMG HE@S SHITa and scary N that,

Shivnarine “Lord Megachief Of Gold” Chanderpaul.  he looks like that strayan bloke, but is millions better and things

Dwayne Bravo.  all blinged up and no place to go, ROFL.

Denesh Ramdin.  Cute, Shit, but Cute.

Darren Sammy.  OMG he could be good, but isn’t really and stuff

Jerome Taylor.  Good, bad and ugly LMAOxxx ROFL<

Daren Powell.  Shit

Fidel Edwards. You never guess WHAT, he’s like really quick and stuff, but he misses too much LOL

West Indies v Australia, day 5. oBo has stopped, as i’m bored.

Australia have declared, and set the Windies a target of 372 to win. There is 98 overs left in this match.

Windies will need to score at around 3.7 overs to win, and the Aussies obviously need to take 10wickets.

I like the fact, that the ‘strayans have opened the bowling with Clark. Positive that. The bucktoothed left arm twat, is fucking rubbish, and should be put out to pasture.

Will McGill finish his test career on a high? Fifth day pitch, playing a team with little or no confidence, should be easy as pie for him. Unfortunately, he only bowls pies now.

I’m going with a win for ‘straya.

First wicket down already, Smith has gone without troubling the scorer. Brett Lee properly worked him over!

Brett Lee is now giving Marshall the working over.. Greate short ball, and he has a little dig. Marshall plays a beautiful back foot defence next ball. He’s got a couple of bruises, and he’s just had a big shout, that no one else went up with.. Off the elbow though, so Marshall survives.

Sarwan now, facing Clark. Smash, cut shot behind square, and no-one’s moved.

OOOh he nearly had Sarwan there, the pitch looks as though it’s got a bit of uneven bounce now!

12-1 now.. And it’ll be Sarwan to face Brett Lee.

Good short ball, Sarwan gets out of the way nicely. Short leg, short cover in place.

Bit fuller, No Ball, Sarwan pushes that through covers for two.

Big slash over slips for four there. He looks like he meant that.. Just a bit of bat, and no third man.

Sarwan has a baseball attempt there, no run.

Good length, Defended to point.

Another nice delivery, defended to mid-off.

Solid from both men for the last delivery.


Extravagant leave for Marshall, against Clark. Very KP/Punter.

Dodgy looking drive, bit of inside edge there.. was aiming for mid off, ended up at a shortish mid-wicket

Good delivery, wideish, and Marshall has a swish an d miss..

nice length, well defended back to the bowler.

Another extravagant leave..

Nice over from Clark. Maiden,


I lied, it’s Michael Clarke to have a go at Sarwan, who looks like he’s up for it. Bit of a surprise this!

Two solid deliveries first up

Good line and length, pushed into the covers.

Flighted nicely and defended off the toe

Next one is defended off the inside edge.



Clark to continue..

Drives with a flourish, but straight to mid-off.

Marshall’s gone.. A great delivery there, shortish, and extra bounce off the handle, and that’s out!


In comes the Stabby McStab Stab Runako Morton. Won;t be long before we see Lord Megachief of gold..

Nice ball, Morton Stabs it back to the bowler.

Oops lost pictures now.. Bastard Sky.

Now I have to listen to the Retard that is Ian Harvey. FUCK OFF!

Pictures back, and it’s 20/2

Weirdness all round.

Clarkey continues. Which is weird when you’ve got McGill & Jonhson in the wings.

Here comes the bucktoothed one.

Nice delivery, Forward defensive, pushed into the ground.

Straight bat, forward, stroked back down the pitch.

Smacked to covers for none.

On leg, nudged square for 1..

Forward defensive, solid.

Bit wide that one, left well alone.


Greg Blewett and Ian Bishop on.

Wide, Smashed away squRE FOR TWO.

Wide down leg, swept to fine leg for two..

smashed at Symonds at silly mid something..

Banged away sqaure for three.. Sarwan’s looking good.

Played to leg for none.

Full toss, smashed to the long on boundary. 11 runs from that one..


Smashed to mid-off for one.

Defended to extra cover, and a quick single is taken.

beautiful shot, on the front foot and driven thru covers.

nice line, straight and quick, and Sarwan defends back to the bowler.

Slashed again, and ONLY JUST over the slips.. FOur.

square drive, no run.


Clarke to continue…

Nice flighted delivery, defended back to him

Trys the same, but it’s a wasted ful toss.

Defended nicely behind square on the legside, and a quick single is taken.

played to square leg for two.. Tight one, but made well by Sarwan.

Driven to the point boundary for one.

Good delivery flighted and defended back..


Johnson again.

single from a leg side nudge.

defended, off the outside edge, no run.

good line by Johnson, just outside off-stump. Windies scoring a decent clip now.

on the front foot, defends to the cover region.

The word ‘month’ doesn’t rhyme with any other word, my researchers tell me. Intriguing. Unlike the cricket being played here.

Shortish ball just outside off stump which is watchfully defended to the off side of the pitch.

Full on the leg and middle stump line. Flicked through behind square for two..


Here comes McGill, will it be a fairytale ending?

shit. No run

full toss. badly played by Sarwan

shit half volley, one run

shit half volley, no run

same again.

shit. No run, padded away outside off.


Johnson continues, and I can’t! It’s hard work this shit, and the nipper is back!

Lucky Fuckers

Jesus wept, Brett Lee is a flukey motherfucker!

Three wickets in four balls.  Thigh Pad, outside the line, dot, outside the line.

Bravo, Ramdin and Sammy have all been well and truly shafted!

Don’t get me wrong, he’s bowling well, reverse swinging the nut at real pace (99over old ball), but how the fuck did he get any of those wickets.  A zimbabwean umpire called Tiffin gave all three, when none of them should have been!

Bastard Aussies, Bastard Zimbabweans.

Harbajhan Singhing to Brett Lee!

Did you see what I did there.. Nice bit of word play Suave, I hear you saying.. Well thanks, anytime, you’re welcome etc…

One of many gifts I received for my birthday was the first series of Flight Of The Conchords.

If you haven’t seen it yet, you bloody well should do. It’s the finest thing in the world, and the greatest thing Kiwi’s have created since Sir Richard Hadlee.

If you’re a fan of The Mighty Boosh, you’ll love this. If you’re not a fan of The Mighty Boosh, or FOTC, then you need a lobotomy.

In one episode, Bret (along with Jemaine), is feeling down and body conscious, and needs a pick me up, so Jemaine writes him a song.

Myself, and the lovely Miriam were discussing this here…

Mims thought it would be wonderful if someone sang, “Bret, you’ve got it going on” to Brett Lee.

I recalled that Harbajhan Singh obviously likes Brett, as he spanked his arse lightly with a bat, during the 2nd test against Australia. As you all probably remember this started all the Teri Maki shenanigans, that went on and on and on and ariston….

So, Mims suggested I create a Facebook group, and I have done so..  It are here..

We’re trying to get the BCCI to punish Harbajhan Singh, by forcing him to Singh to Brett Lee.  If we can get a full Bollywood dance troupe, to join in, then even better.

The lyrics for the amusing ditty are shown below

Hey there Bret, I see you looking down.
Don’t want to see my little buddy there with a frown.
Just because I get more women than you, well that’s only because they don’t know you like I do.
Sure, you’re weedy and kind of shy.
But some girlie out there must be needy for a weedy, shy guy.
They want you as the needle when they’re rolling in the hay.
Just hear me out when I say…

Bret, you got it going on.
The ladies will get to know your sexuality when they get to know your personality.
I said, Bret, you got it going on.
Not in a gay way, just in a “hey mate, I wanted to say that you’re looking okay, mate.”
Why can’t a heterosexual guy,
Tell a heterosexual guy that he thinks his booty is fly.

Not all the time, obviously, just when he’s got a problem with his self esteem.
Don’t let anybody tell you you’re not humpable.
Because you’re bumpable.
Well, I hope this doesn’t make you feel uncomfortable.
If I say you’ve got a boom ow-ow.
Come on Bret, help me out now.

Bret, you got it going on.
(You got it going on!)
That’s the conclusion that I’ve come to.
But that doesn’t mean that I want to bum you.
Bret, you got it going on.
(Got it going on…)
No doubt about it, we’d be gettin crazy.
If one of us was lucky enough to be born a lady.

If one of us was a lady, and I was your man, if I was your man.
Well, sometimes it gets lonely, and I need a woman.
And then I imagine you with some bosoms.
In fact, one time when we were touring and I was really lonely.
And we were sharing that twin room in the hotel.
I put a wig on you, when you were sleeping, I put a wig on you.
Oh, ohhh, oooooh, oh, and I just laid there and spooned you.

Bret, you got it going on. 

So join me, cricket loving brethren & sistren, and we shall create the greatest musical apology in history!!