Suave's Republique Cricket

Blimmin nora, The England have won a test match overseas!

This image recreates itself, every other test, it seems…  Good old Sidey!

Hark, The England have won a test match overseas.  The haven’t done that in two years, the last against India at Mumbai..

Michael Vaughan hasn’t won a test match abroad, since the last test in South Africa in 2005.

At that time, The Englands test record read “Played 15, Won 13, Lost 1, Drawn 1”.  We were rightly, the second ranked side in the world, and went on to produce an ashes winning summer, that captured all of our hearts.

But fuck that shit..

That was yonks ago.  I was childless then.  I was crazy then.  I was nearly fired from my job for not doing any work for the summer.

This was a very good test match, played on a great test wicket.

Daniel Vettori was moaning about the pitch, and saying he was disappointed that it was still doing things for the bowlers on day four.

Piss off nancy boy..  That’s what a test wicket should do!!  Just because you haven’t got a top order that knows how to play a moving ball.

The high points for The England

Tim Ambrose.  For this first innings 100.  This took the game away from New Zealand, and gave us a well above par first innings score.

Paul Collingwood.  65 & 59, taking 3/23 in the first innings, and fighting hard against the wind for 8 overs yesterday.  A great all round performance.

Ryan Sidebottom.  I just want to kiss him, in a manly way, for hours upon end.  Oxymoron is teh king.

James Anderson.  I know i’ve ballsed on him before, but the boy showed what he can do when he’s hungry.  His bowling in the first innings was superb.  Second innings was good, but he was into the wind this time, and rattling with pills.

The high points for NZ

Jacob Oram.   He took 6/100 from 49 overs.  That my friends is frugal.

Brendan McCullum.  110 runs in the test match.  Has consistently looked NZ’s most dangerous batsmen.

Ross Taylor.  The boy wasn’t far behind McCullum, with 108 runs in the match.  Is looking like a very good player, and needs to be moved up the order for the next test match.  Should be no4, and will take the no3 spot, I would say, when Fleming retires.

Low Points

The catching.  The Kiwis were poor, and The England weren’t much better to be honest.  Unusually Paul Collingwood and Brendan McCullum were the biggest culprits.

Mark Gillespie.  His fielding is appalling, he can’t bat, and he bowls half trackers or half volleys.

Monty Panesar.  As bad in the field as Angry Man Gillespie.

Jacob Oram’s batting.  He’s lucky he’s bowling so well at the moment, because he’s averaging 12 with the bat.  No-one is mentioning this, but it needs to be highlighted.  As a batting all-rounder, he should be scoring a lot more runs.

Strauss, Vaughan & Pietersen’s batting.  Three out of our top four are averaging less than 30.  One of these three should be dropped for the next test.   It won’t happen, but it should.  Vaughan’s not going to go, as he’s the skipper.  Pietersen shouldn’t go YET…  Strauss is next in line.  He looked better in our second innings than he has for a while, but he needs to do something magical in Napier, or he’s on the scrap heap.

And the biggest low point of them all goes too…..

Matthew Bell.  Wow!  He looked like he was dancing in the crease, whenever a ball was delivered. The only reason he managed to eke out 29 runs, was because he wasn’t good enough to edge anything…   It’s a sorry state of affairs, if this is your best opening batsman.

39 Comments so far
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Oxymoron is teh king. Good grief… teh king?! Strong words indeed!

Comment by missfield

Well, er, word.

Comment by missfield

H’mmm… If you carrying on writing Teh England all day, perhaps you’ll get (nearly) fired again!

And England’s glory will return!

Comment by The Atheist

yes, teh king!! All hail our hairy overlord!

I’m always on the verge of being fired, The Atheist. Although it’s never happened.
I try, and I try. But somehow it just don’t happen.

Like Matthew Bell’s batting.
Or Ian Bell trying to get a hundred.
Or Monty Panesar trying to catch.

Comment by Suave

Or Michael Vaughan getting to 20.

Two years is a long time.

Comment by missfield

Michael Vaughan always gets to 20, or there abouts..
That’s the problem, none of them seem to get in and go on.

Comment by Suave

More than 20?! You ask the impossible!

Comment by Miss Field

I know, we set our standards too high, in the blogging community

Comment by Suave

It’s good to dream. One day they might get to 30. You may laugh, but it could happen.

Comment by Miss Field

Funnily enough, that happens a lot.

As does The England batsmen reaching 60.

That’s how they all manage to keep their averages above 40.

But shitting hell, one of them should be able to push on.

Comment by Suave

You know, when I was young, I was convinced that the numerical world ended at 20. I literally thought that there was no higher number.

Even though I was about four, I got into furious arguments with my parents about it. I refused to believe their lies about imaginary numbers.

Perhaps Michael Vaughan has the same thing?

Comment by The Atheist

By jove, I think you’ve got it man!!

maybe they count in binary or hex, too?!

Comment by Suave

Atheist, your parents were arguing with you about the square root of -1, and you were aged 4? Pushy!

Comment by Miriam

I should coco! That’s why The Atheist has become the criminal mastermind, he is now.

Comment by Suave

He did say he’d rather play soccer… they don’t get much higher than two in that one, a far safer bet for the poor confused bloke.

That is a very cool story though.

Comment by Miss Field

I can’t believe nobody is running with my imaginary number joke. Where are all the mathematicians? I thought cricket was meant to be geeks’ paradise.

Comment by Miriam

Miriam, please try to remember where you are at all times..

This is the suave, illiterate, sweary cricket blog.

Comment by Suave

Sorry, I forgot myself for a minute Suave. I must not belong here – I am GEEK AND PROUD.

Comment by Miriam

Geeks are always welcome Mims. I am one myself. I can do binary math, but everything else is a blur..

I can’t even count the number of silk scarves I own!!

Comment by Suave

Have you seen that Flight of the Conchords song with the binary solo in the middle:

“zero zero zero zero zero zero one
zero zero zero zero zero zero one”.

I’m assuming the silk scarves are part of your Suave wardrobe, and not used for any other purpose.

Comment by Miriam

I was watching it last night, as it happens.. My little brother bought it for my birthday, and I love it!! Any binary mathemetics song, is a winner in my eyes.

The whole thing, is sheer, unadulterated class. Any one who disagrees is a buffoon!

Indeed, I had to hand the kinky sex card in, when The Gris came along!

Comment by Suave

I’ll add that to my reasons for why I don’t want to have children, Suave.

FOTC are great. There are too few songs in this world with binary mathematics in them. Although “I Say A Little Prayer” is full of prime numbers, if you count the length of each phrase in beats.

Comment by Miriam

How bout you and 2 dudes
Him you and Stu in the nude
Bein lewd with 2 dudes with food!

Two things the kiwis are good at, comedy and medium pace all-rounders.

I did not know that, Burt Bacharach and Hal David are welcome tomy home anytime. The big old geeky genuises!

Comment by Suave

“Why can’t a heterosexual guy, Tell a heterosexual guy that he thinks his booty is fly.”

I’d like someone to sing that song for Brett Lee (for the uninitiated, the song is called “Bret you’ve got it going on”), but I can’t decide who.

Comment by Miriam

Harbajhan Singh obviously thinks it, but is too scared to say.. Remember all the teri maki business happened after he slapped Brett Lee playfully on the arse.

Comment by Suave

of COURSE! Good spot, Suave!

If they did that song, I could die happy, I think.

Comment by Miriam

I think we should petition the BCCI. As his punishment for starting all that business, he has to sing “bret you’ve got it going on”, with a full bollywood backing dance troupe.

Comment by Suave

You should start a facebook group.

I’m particularly looking forward to his rendition of the line:

“No doubt ‘bout it, we’d be gettin’ crazy, if one of us was lucky enough to be born a lady”.

Comment by Miriam

I will do! Harbajhan loves brett lee in a manly way, for the win!

Comment by Suave

I hope you’re ready for the inevitable fallout, Suave…

Comment by Miriam

I’m always ready.. I can’t wait for a bit of a bunfight!

I’ve not had it since I took the piss out of ‘Straya, and I had those two hoons, having a dig.

Comment by Suave

just saw/joined the group.

Comment by Miriam

Shame it would require HS to have a sense of humour, it could have been brilliant.

Comment by Miss Field

It will be Missy.. Trust me, I’m a doctor!

Comment by Suave

[…] Myself, and the lovely Miriam were discussing this here… […]

Pingback by Harbajhan Singhing to Brett Lee! « Suave’s Republique Cricket

You are?! *swoon*

Comment by Miss Field

Not really. It was a figure or speech.

A doctor needs a proper education, which I do not have! I spent my formative years partaking in sex, drugs and rock and roll.

Comment by Suave

Damn. Are you The Doctor?

Comment by Miss Field

That shall remain a secret, I’m afraid Missy..

Comment by Suave

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