Suave's Republique Cricket


Test Team Of The Year 2008

Greame Smith.

This should be obvious.  Scored shitloads of runs, is the best 4th innings batsman in world cricket.  If you had a run chase, you’d want this man in there.

Virender Sehwag.

Is the leader of the Church Of Sehwagology, and no more needs to be said.  Any that disagree on this selection, get burned at the stake like the witches they are!

Gautham Gambhir

Averaged over 70 for the year.   Was not out under 55mins once this year.  Scored at a clip of at least 3 rpo in every innings.

Kevin Pietersen

This was a tough choice.  It was either KP or Sachin.  Sachin’s probably appeared in a billion others top test team, so I went with KP.  KP averaged a couple of points higher, scored about 50 runs less, it was that close.  KP gets it, for being more innovative.  That switch hit, is a thing of beauty.

Shivnarine Chanderpaul

Lord Megachief of Gold averages 105 for the last two years.  More difficult to get out, than bloodstains on a fresh white carpet.  Is part of the holy trinity too, so you burn, if you disagree.

M S Dhoni (Wk) Captain

Dhoni, is actually the worst wicket keeper out of the top five sides.   Boucher, Haddin & McCullum all had more dismissals than him.  Even wanky wicky Ambrose has a higher percentage of dismissals per innings.  So as a keeper, he’s a bit shite.   But…  The boy’s got balls of steel, can bat beautifully, and is a marvellous captain.  So for that reason, he’s in.

Andrew Flintoff

He get’s the all-rounder nod, because I love him, and want his children.  The 10 deliveries that scared shitless, Jacques Kallis, one of the worlds best batsman, at Edgbaston should be enough.

Dale Steyn

74 wickets at 20.  Fast, accurate and strangely for a South African, humble and pleasant.

Mitchell Johnson

Is easily the best bowler in Australia, and was second highest wicket taker in world cricket this year.  If he can learn to swing the ball at his pace, he will be unplayable.

Ryan Sidebottom

Easily forgotten, since his injuries, but was amazing all winter, and most of early summer.  He picked up 47 wickets in 8 test matches at an average of 20.2, that my friends is quality bowling.   The boy can swing it too.  Let’s hope that the bad back sorts itself out, and that he’s firing for The England again soon.

Ajantha Mendis

Because he’s a freak.  Because he’s Splendid Mendis, and as he’s part of the Holy Trinity of The Church Of Sehwagology, you have to have him in the side.

12th Man.

I’ve gone for Hashim Amla.  So improved this year.  Was a lovely batsman to watch.

So there you have it.  Suave’s suavest XI.  You can disagree if you like, just add your comments.

Remember though, if you do disagree, I will have to hulk smash you!

Much love.



Who gets a hulk smash?

After a pretty abject summer, barely beating New Zealand and losing to South Africa, here is my summer test review.

In it, I decide through Suave’s hulk smash phenomonen, who survives and who feels the pain.

Alastair Cook

Eyeliner escapes a two handed hulk smash, as he actually scored a decent amount of runs.  The one handed hulk smash comes about because the Little shithead has forgotten how to get past 60.

Andrew Strauss

full on hulk smash for Wing Commander.  Scored nothing until he was under scrutiny again, and to be honest looks shit against all world class attacks.  Should be sent to the local boozer to regale young fellows with stories of his heroics in The War.  Fucking posh twat.

Michael Vaughan

Nothing to add really, as the straight ball missing, weird mulleted former skipper, seems to have hulk smashed himself.  Lucky boy cos he was gonna get it big time!

Kevin Pietersen

New Skipper, top run-scorer, all-round talented fucker.  He gets a little David Banner type hug.  Keep it up big man.

Ian Bell

Semi smashing again, as the 199 at Lords was a cracking knock.  Only two of his test centuries have come in a winning side, and he never scores one without someone above him doing it too, which when you look at our opening pair, is proof enough that he’s no number 3.  Not mentally tough enough, ginger, weird snarl thing when concentrating.  Fuck it, he’ s convinced me to proper hulk smash him!

Paul Collingwood

Partially redeemed himself with his last two knocks, but gets the full HULK SMASH with extra cheese.  Send him to the glue factory.  Not good enough, and we need to bed in a young buck.  I reckon Adil Rashid or Ravi Bopara should get the nod.  Both are excellent fielders, both are decent bowlers and they ain’t too shabby with the bat either.

Andrew Flintoff

I will never hulk smash big lad.  I love him, his passion, his lovely wife, his pace, even his woeful foot movement.  He can do no wrong.

Tim Ambrose

Fucking hell, I’ve got a family sized can of whupass just for this little shit for brains.  This is the worst hulksmashing you’ve ever seen, cars being tossed, huge holes in the ground, and little wanky wicky dying a slow, painful death!  Fuck off now.  Read and Foster are far superior with the gloves and a bit better with the bat, and Prior is miles better with the bat.

Stuart Broad

He’s big, he’s bad, he’s better than his dad.  Or at least we hope he is.  Bats lovely, bowls OK.  Got better as the summer went on, but is no Simon Jones. First change bowlers need to take wickets, and constantly apply pressure, and he’s not doing that yet…  I have resisted hulk smashing, but reserve the right to do so at a later date!

Ryan Sidebottom

Not good enough, but still miles better than most of our bowlers.  Back problems meant he was farily innocuous towards the end of summer.  Should have been dropped earlier for health reasons.

Stephen J Harmison

Still gets the hulk smash I’m afraid.  As Duncan Fletcher said, you’ve got to take wickets in your first spell (he was unlucky, with eyeliners drop but…).   His strike-rate was over 60, which when compared to Dale Steyn, South Africa’s premier quick, is nearly twice as bad.  Hulk Smashed until his brain works properly and he can continuously hulk smash batsmen himself!

James Anderson

The wee man has done me proud this summer.  Good consistent bowling, excellent fielding, and some decent lower order batting to boot.  This is the first time in years that I actually don’t want to hurt him, which is nice.  Cuddles all round.

Monty Panesar

SMASH!  Fuck off Monty until you learn to bowl an arm ball or a doosra.  Not good enough and India will dismantle him again this winter, followed by ‘Straya spanking his arse all next summer.   I will be a little easy on him, in that The England don’t have a specialist spin bowling coach, so he pretty much has to do it on his own.   All I want from you is some effort, as The Broken Family Band once sang.  Learn to bowl another delivery, keep trying to learn to bat, and get a little confidence man, you’re a Sikh Warrior, recall your ancestors triumphs, bring forth the rage your fellow Sikhs felt after Operation Blue Star.  Something, anything, you fucking boring twat!

Check back soon for a six word review of both sides!



A proper preview on England v South Africa

As a hardhitting journalist, with a vast array of cricket knowledge, I’ve decided to do a real piece of hardhitting journalism.

By hardhitting journalism, I mean, me talking shit about a weird dream I had the other night.  It basically involved a cricketer of some repute following me around for eternity, performing his best shot, everytime I needed a pick me up.  So I shall expand on that weird night, and add what I would have all of the The England and South African team doing if each of them had to stick by my side.

1 Alastair Cook

This young buck will apply eyeliner to me or my friends whenever required.  He’s obviously very adept at this.  See here for more.

2 Andrew Strauss

He will wear a biggles outfit during the day, with the flappy scarf and things, entertaining my republican army.  When required posh lad will dress up in full evening suit, and smoke cigarettes through an antique cigarette holder, whilst supplying me with the finest brandies, wines and champagnes.  It will be a suave double team, and a bally good show.

3 Michael Vaughan (capt)

Mr Vaughan is bound for life to perform a classy cover drive when I need him to, and to miss a straight one when I need a laugh.  Good times.

4 Kevin Pietersen

KP is required to watch while I make love to his wife for all of eternity.  See Morne Morkel’s details for added extras to this scenario.  Strauss will also be in the corner, pouring my drinks and keeping me in cigarettes for the night!

5 Ian Bell

This little fuckstick is to throw roses at my feet until the end of time.  Just like those lovely ladies in Coming to America.

6 Paul Collingwood

Is to forever follow me, as leader of Suave’s ageing ginger all-rounder army.  He will protect me from abybody silly enough to attack our beloved and benevolent Suave leader.

7 Tim Ambrose (wk)

Wanky wicky is to stay behind me at all times in case I drop anything.  I lose on average about £30 a month, dropping money out of my pockets.  Little wanky wicky will stop all that, and give ole Suave another lunchtime on the pop a month. Well done that boy.

8 Stuart Broad

Young broadywoady pudding and pie, is to spend the rest of his days making sure Suave’s hair is in a perfectly coiffured state.  This bucl already spends so much time on his own hair, I’m sure he’ll service mine beautifully.

9 Ryan Sidebottom

Mr Sidebottom will accompany Suave to every gig he goes to in futues, and will supply the hair when I cut mine off.  Whenever I cut my hair short, the thing I hate most about gigs, is not being able to shake the hair.  Ryan will provide this service.

10 Monty Panesar

Any and every time Suave performs something of note, of excellence (as you can imagine this would be an extremely busy job for the montster), he will high five me in his inimitable way.  Wahey Monty!

11 James Anderson

Will be permanently by my side, until I’ve learnt what makes him the quick, snplayable bastard he can be. Once I’ve learnt that, I will train him to do that EVERY time he plays.

1 Graeme Smith (capt)

Bear like left hander, will spend time immortal licking the shit off my shoe, every time I inadvertently tread in some bastard dogs do doo.

2 Neil McKenzie

Old mentalist is to be by my side to ensure that my madness pales in to insignificance next to his, the crazy arsed fucker.  I have a reasonably small version of OCD.  So Mackenzie would make me look normal.

3 Hashim Amla

Amla is to join me on every flight with a budget airline I ever take from now on.  He will sit by the window, I will sit on the aisle seat, guarenteeing that no fat, smelly people sit in the middle, and I can stretch out to my hearts content, or until people stop worrying that bearded muslims are going to blow up any and every motherfucking that moves.

4 Jacques Kallis

This boring twat is to break down an innnings of his, every time I suffer from insomnia, so that Suave can keep his beauty sleep to the necessary 8 hours.   Instant karma, Suave is still beautiful.  I win.

5 Ashwell Prince

Ashwell is to do a similar job to JK but for afternoon naps.  He will come out to bat, and instantly send me into a lovely deep afternoon snooze.

6 AB de Villiers

Vehement letter C denier, will be my golf partner, if I ever take up the stupid, boring, fucking aimless game.  As a scratch golfer, he’ll be able to cover up my inadequecies and ensure that Suave still looks Suave in plus fours.

7 Mark Boucher (wk)

This wicket keeper is to stand behind any of my annoying colleagues constantly chirping in their ears, whenever the fuckers start telling me about their love of computer games, porn or cars.  Boucher will chirp away at them, telling them what useless lives they have, and that they should remove their gene pool from society.

8 Morne Morkel

Supervillain is required to laugh maniacally whenever I get the rage, and anything Evil is about to happen.  Which as most of you lot have realised, is quite regularly.  Get that larynx working you big fucker!

9 Paul Harris

It’s getting a struggle now, fuck me.  Paul Harris appears to have no talents at all, so I’m going to stick him behind my private bar, to serve me drinks for the rest of time.  Most of my local pubs now have saffers behind the ramp, and they work hard, so that’s it for this left arm tweaker.

10 Dale Steyn

To bowl fiery full, swinging deliveries into the legs of anyone getting in my way whilst walking.  Suave is a very quick walker, and hates slow people getting in his way.  Utilising his pace, will clear the way for me to get where i’m going in good time

11 Makhaya Ntini.

What can I get the convicted rapist to do, for ole suavey wauvey?  I don’t need any rape in my life thank you very much.  As Ntini likes to run from the ground to his hotel after tests, I will use him in emergency traffic situations, if I happen to get stuck in traffic anywhere, Ntini is to turn up and piggy back me to my destination.

I’m spent now, business hours are over!  It’s business, it’s business time!



LolCricket
June 12, 2008, 7:35 pm
Filed under: Cricket, LOLCricket | Tags: , ,

Penis Goes Where?!!!



Six word analysis of England – New Zealand test series.

Being a dictator of your own republic, I get to make the rulez.

Six word reviews, for everyone that played more than two tests in the series.  I can’t be bothered with all these shit heads that played one test.

The England

Alastair Cook: Stupid eyeliner wearing dickhead, fucking rubbish.

Andrew Strauss: Wants to play NZ every week!

Michael Vaughan: Looks great at getting himself out

Kevin Pietersen: Scratches around until last game again!

Ian bell: fucking ginger twat.  Suave HULK SMASH!

Paul Collingwood: Time to be put to pasture?

Tim Ambrose: good with gloves, rubbish with bat

Stuart Broad: Too many pies, bats lovely though..

Ryan Sidebottom: Not great, but averaged 20. Bizarre.

Jimmy Anderson: Good, shit, good. Superb in Nottingham

Monty Panesar: One-spell series, superb oop north.

The Old Zealand

Aaron Redmond: Dear lord, this lad is SHIT!

Jamie How: Solid, dependable, not really that good.

Brendan McCullum: Not three, too mental for that.

Ross Taylor: Looks a lovely player. CALM DOWN!

Daniel Flynn: not bad, suspect to short ball.

Jacob Oram: Miserly with ball, 231 runs, somehow

Daniel Vettori: smacked around as skipper, bowled alright

Kyle Mills: good no 8 batsman, bowling rubbish.

Ian O’Brien:  Scares small children, he’s that ugly.

Chris Martin: Bowled cack, Batting is really cack

James Marshall:  Shitter than his brother.  Super shit?



Flintoff must play

What's that?  It's your chances of ever being The England captain disappearing

I don’t fucking care if this man can’t bat for shit any more.

Put him at anywhere in the last four if needs be, but he should play for The England.

I’ll tell you why.

He’s the best fast bowler in the country.

Justin Langer in his latest BBC column had this to say about the fella.

Only last week I padded up against Lancashire in the County Championship for Somerset and I can say first hand that Flintoff is absolutely ready to be picked for the first Test against New Zealand.

One of the joys of retiring from international cricket was knowing that I wouldn’t be peppered by the world’s best fast bowlers ever again.

This in mind, I was shocked at the ferocity of the Flintoff onslaught at Old Trafford.

As I kept saying to him, I could have understood if I was batting with Matthew Hayden and wearing a green Australia helmet with a kangaroo and emu embroidered on the front.

Instead, I was in a red Somerset helmet with Marcus Trescothick partnering me, so if I was ever in for a reprieve from England’s best fast bowler then surely that would have been the time.

History will suggest this couldn’t have been further from the truth.

For about an hour I could have been in the boxing ring with Joe Calzaghe and by the end of it I had literally copped a hammering.

My ribs, elbow and chest were so bruised I could have been confused for Bernard Hopkins in Las Vegas!

Both Marcus and I agreed his spell was one of the great ones either of us had ever faced and while it was ugly – and at times intimidating – it is what we miss about playing international cricket on its toughest days.

This is one seriously good bowler.

Given the choice between Anderson & Flintoff, who would you pick? Between Hoggard & Flintoff, or Broad & Flintoff?

My bowling attack would look like this.

Flintoff, Rashid, Broad, Sidebottom. Or maybe Panesar for Rashid (we’ll see how he does against the Lions).

That’s a lot of batting. Flintoff and Rashid are excellent all-rounders, and Broad & Sidebottom can be relied upon to hold a bat.

Come on Mooresy, you know you want it.



Steve Kirby. First class nutter.

I'm a gonna git ya suckah!

Steve Kirby is a first class nutjob. He would cause a fight in an empty room, and he’s on a similar level to Andre Nel. I like the fella, he’s got spunk, he’s got gusto, and he would run in all day for you as a skipper..

He’s played a fair bit of cricket this winter, going to India with The England Lions, where he average 24.10 and took 10 wickets. He then had a run out for the MCC against Sussex, and bowled superbly (in bowler friendly conditions), which should leave him in good stead (although Luke Wright knocking him out, might hurt a bit).

I mention the fiery ginger quick, because of something he said recently.

“It is such a lovely tonic to see Ryan Sidebottom doing so well. He has proved over three or four seasons in county cricket that if you do take wickets, you are noticed,” said Gloucestershire seamer Kirby. “From a personal point of view, he has shown the way which has given players like myself and others in domestic cricket a lot of encouragement.”

I like his attitude, and I like that he looks like he’d eat your mother for tea, if you don’t get the fuck out sharpish. Which is what fast bowling really should be about!