Suave's Republique Cricket

A Fail just for King Cricket!

A Fail just for King Cricket!

Dear King Cricket, the most anti-social of cricket bloggers has threatened to bounce me off the moon if I don’t create a FAIL Picture.  Admittedly, he’d have to leave Manchester and talk to people to find me, so I’m sure I’ll be fine!

Alas, here it is, just for you.   However, I’ve only made Jacques Kallis a Fail, rather than an Epic Fail, as the bowling he was facing, was of the highest quality you’re likely to see.  Flintoff was on fire, and he had Kallis plumb in front, which alarmingly Dar turned down?  Fred was pissed.   There’s no finer bowler in world cricket than an angry Fred, with 30,000 people roaring him on!

I’m a gonna hulk smash.

Morning all.  I trust you are all well?  No, ah, you’re either a The England or a The Sri Lanka fan this morning.  Shit eh?  At least you Sirils have got a hulk smashing win to fall back on, we’ve got sweet fuck all to be happy about here.

The England were shit yesterday, as we were last week, and the week before that.

The England’s selections for yesterday were shit.  Colly, much as I love him, is pure shit at the minute, and should be sent to the glue factory.  Cook and Bell can’t convert, Pietersen can’t stop trying to smash everything through midwicket, even when the ball appears to be moving away from him.  And Vaughan, well fuck Vaughan, the silly cunt.  He can’t score a run for love nor money, and that surprises me!   If there’s one thing that motivates Vaughany it’s money, the rich twat.

But enough analysis (hard hitting journalism again), what I came here to say was this…

Stop praying for clouds you stupid pricks.  Fucking Eyeliner Model himself saying “ooh if there’s clouds, it’ll favour our bowlers, and we might get back into this game”.  They said that during the last test, and we were spanked like naughty public school boys.  There was no cloud for The Saffers, so go about your business expecting a flat pitch, which it is, and put the ball in the right areas, like they did, and stop praying to the cloud god, you fucking baboons.

I’ve finally got myself a job, i’m sure you’ll be pleased to hear.  It’s in Brussels, Belgium.  I’d heard they were suffering a distinct lack of rage, so I thought I’d come visit them, and share mine about.  Hopefully I’ll be able to get into a scrap with Jean Claude Van Damme while I’m there, and show him some moves.

What this means to you dear reader (notice the singular, as you lot are fickle bastards, write nothing for a week, and you search for your rage elsewhere), is that I shall be back on the horse.  Whether I can actually watch any cricket remains to be seen, but I will write about what I read, at least.

Now fuck off back to what you were doing.

You god bothering twat.
July 18, 2008, 12:11 pm
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: , , , , , ,

Billy Bowden is a knob head.

Cook was about six inches away from that ball that hit his thigh pad.

I’m fucking livid about that.  I feel like smashing his nerdy, invisible friend loving face in.  The freak.

Test matches aren’t about you, you talentless halfwit.  It’s about the 22 talented fellas, who rely on their skill, unlike you, you fucking show pony.


Bollocks, now Vaughan’s out again.  MV is Steyn’s bunny.

Day two first session review

KP and Ian Bell started as they finished last night, going at 5 an over and putting on a breezy 90odd to add to the 192 they put on together last night.  It’s the highest ever 4th wicket partnership against South Africa.

KP then gloved a steepling riser from Morkel, and walked before Harper had to tell him, out for 152.

Fucking silly KP and his nervous 150’s!  Some problem to have that, eh kiddywinks.

Colly came in, looked nervous and was done, well and truly by Billy Bowden.  Harris bowled one that went with the arm (does he have any other delivery?), and it hit pad, and a sharp catch from Amla, and that was that.

Little Timmy must be hoping that they continue to bowl as they have done so far, short and wide, just like Boucher.  Boucher, had a shocker behind the stumps this morning too, looking exceedingly ordinary to the dipping, swinging ball, after pitching.

All in all, The England’s session.

Recycled post. I seem to have to recycle this every test series!


Fuck me, not again Vaughany, you retard.

He looks good when missing the ball, at least. No ugly hoicks across the line for this fella, no siree.


Who ate all the pies?
July 10, 2008, 2:27 pm
Filed under: Cricket

Fuck me, I’ve been out all morning, and have not seen the live coverage.  I came in, switched the old viddy box on and what do I see, the largest wankywicky/slip cordon you’ve ever seen!

Fuck a duck, I know the lunches are good at Lords, but did they have to eat twelve, the fat cunts.

Also, when did their pace battery turn into pussy cats that can hardly hit the strip.

Twats and fat ones at that!

It’s got Miss-Field sweating at least, which is very good!

A proper preview on England v South Africa

As a hardhitting journalist, with a vast array of cricket knowledge, I’ve decided to do a real piece of hardhitting journalism.

By hardhitting journalism, I mean, me talking shit about a weird dream I had the other night.  It basically involved a cricketer of some repute following me around for eternity, performing his best shot, everytime I needed a pick me up.  So I shall expand on that weird night, and add what I would have all of the The England and South African team doing if each of them had to stick by my side.

1 Alastair Cook

This young buck will apply eyeliner to me or my friends whenever required.  He’s obviously very adept at this.  See here for more.

2 Andrew Strauss

He will wear a biggles outfit during the day, with the flappy scarf and things, entertaining my republican army.  When required posh lad will dress up in full evening suit, and smoke cigarettes through an antique cigarette holder, whilst supplying me with the finest brandies, wines and champagnes.  It will be a suave double team, and a bally good show.

3 Michael Vaughan (capt)

Mr Vaughan is bound for life to perform a classy cover drive when I need him to, and to miss a straight one when I need a laugh.  Good times.

4 Kevin Pietersen

KP is required to watch while I make love to his wife for all of eternity.  See Morne Morkel’s details for added extras to this scenario.  Strauss will also be in the corner, pouring my drinks and keeping me in cigarettes for the night!

5 Ian Bell

This little fuckstick is to throw roses at my feet until the end of time.  Just like those lovely ladies in Coming to America.

6 Paul Collingwood

Is to forever follow me, as leader of Suave’s ageing ginger all-rounder army.  He will protect me from abybody silly enough to attack our beloved and benevolent Suave leader.

7 Tim Ambrose (wk)

Wanky wicky is to stay behind me at all times in case I drop anything.  I lose on average about £30 a month, dropping money out of my pockets.  Little wanky wicky will stop all that, and give ole Suave another lunchtime on the pop a month. Well done that boy.

8 Stuart Broad

Young broadywoady pudding and pie, is to spend the rest of his days making sure Suave’s hair is in a perfectly coiffured state.  This bucl already spends so much time on his own hair, I’m sure he’ll service mine beautifully.

9 Ryan Sidebottom

Mr Sidebottom will accompany Suave to every gig he goes to in futues, and will supply the hair when I cut mine off.  Whenever I cut my hair short, the thing I hate most about gigs, is not being able to shake the hair.  Ryan will provide this service.

10 Monty Panesar

Any and every time Suave performs something of note, of excellence (as you can imagine this would be an extremely busy job for the montster), he will high five me in his inimitable way.  Wahey Monty!

11 James Anderson

Will be permanently by my side, until I’ve learnt what makes him the quick, snplayable bastard he can be. Once I’ve learnt that, I will train him to do that EVERY time he plays.

1 Graeme Smith (capt)

Bear like left hander, will spend time immortal licking the shit off my shoe, every time I inadvertently tread in some bastard dogs do doo.

2 Neil McKenzie

Old mentalist is to be by my side to ensure that my madness pales in to insignificance next to his, the crazy arsed fucker.  I have a reasonably small version of OCD.  So Mackenzie would make me look normal.

3 Hashim Amla

Amla is to join me on every flight with a budget airline I ever take from now on.  He will sit by the window, I will sit on the aisle seat, guarenteeing that no fat, smelly people sit in the middle, and I can stretch out to my hearts content, or until people stop worrying that bearded muslims are going to blow up any and every motherfucking that moves.

4 Jacques Kallis

This boring twat is to break down an innnings of his, every time I suffer from insomnia, so that Suave can keep his beauty sleep to the necessary 8 hours.   Instant karma, Suave is still beautiful.  I win.

5 Ashwell Prince

Ashwell is to do a similar job to JK but for afternoon naps.  He will come out to bat, and instantly send me into a lovely deep afternoon snooze.

6 AB de Villiers

Vehement letter C denier, will be my golf partner, if I ever take up the stupid, boring, fucking aimless game.  As a scratch golfer, he’ll be able to cover up my inadequecies and ensure that Suave still looks Suave in plus fours.

7 Mark Boucher (wk)

This wicket keeper is to stand behind any of my annoying colleagues constantly chirping in their ears, whenever the fuckers start telling me about their love of computer games, porn or cars.  Boucher will chirp away at them, telling them what useless lives they have, and that they should remove their gene pool from society.

8 Morne Morkel

Supervillain is required to laugh maniacally whenever I get the rage, and anything Evil is about to happen.  Which as most of you lot have realised, is quite regularly.  Get that larynx working you big fucker!

9 Paul Harris

It’s getting a struggle now, fuck me.  Paul Harris appears to have no talents at all, so I’m going to stick him behind my private bar, to serve me drinks for the rest of time.  Most of my local pubs now have saffers behind the ramp, and they work hard, so that’s it for this left arm tweaker.

10 Dale Steyn

To bowl fiery full, swinging deliveries into the legs of anyone getting in my way whilst walking.  Suave is a very quick walker, and hates slow people getting in his way.  Utilising his pace, will clear the way for me to get where i’m going in good time

11 Makhaya Ntini.

What can I get the convicted rapist to do, for ole suavey wauvey?  I don’t need any rape in my life thank you very much.  As Ntini likes to run from the ground to his hotel after tests, I will use him in emergency traffic situations, if I happen to get stuck in traffic anywhere, Ntini is to turn up and piggy back me to my destination.

I’m spent now, business hours are over!  It’s business, it’s business time!