Suave's Republique Cricket

Test Team Of The Year 2008

Greame Smith.

This should be obvious.  Scored shitloads of runs, is the best 4th innings batsman in world cricket.  If you had a run chase, you’d want this man in there.

Virender Sehwag.

Is the leader of the Church Of Sehwagology, and no more needs to be said.  Any that disagree on this selection, get burned at the stake like the witches they are!

Gautham Gambhir

Averaged over 70 for the year.   Was not out under 55mins once this year.  Scored at a clip of at least 3 rpo in every innings.

Kevin Pietersen

This was a tough choice.  It was either KP or Sachin.  Sachin’s probably appeared in a billion others top test team, so I went with KP.  KP averaged a couple of points higher, scored about 50 runs less, it was that close.  KP gets it, for being more innovative.  That switch hit, is a thing of beauty.

Shivnarine Chanderpaul

Lord Megachief of Gold averages 105 for the last two years.  More difficult to get out, than bloodstains on a fresh white carpet.  Is part of the holy trinity too, so you burn, if you disagree.

M S Dhoni (Wk) Captain

Dhoni, is actually the worst wicket keeper out of the top five sides.   Boucher, Haddin & McCullum all had more dismissals than him.  Even wanky wicky Ambrose has a higher percentage of dismissals per innings.  So as a keeper, he’s a bit shite.   But…  The boy’s got balls of steel, can bat beautifully, and is a marvellous captain.  So for that reason, he’s in.

Andrew Flintoff

He get’s the all-rounder nod, because I love him, and want his children.  The 10 deliveries that scared shitless, Jacques Kallis, one of the worlds best batsman, at Edgbaston should be enough.

Dale Steyn

74 wickets at 20.  Fast, accurate and strangely for a South African, humble and pleasant.

Mitchell Johnson

Is easily the best bowler in Australia, and was second highest wicket taker in world cricket this year.  If he can learn to swing the ball at his pace, he will be unplayable.

Ryan Sidebottom

Easily forgotten, since his injuries, but was amazing all winter, and most of early summer.  He picked up 47 wickets in 8 test matches at an average of 20.2, that my friends is quality bowling.   The boy can swing it too.  Let’s hope that the bad back sorts itself out, and that he’s firing for The England again soon.

Ajantha Mendis

Because he’s a freak.  Because he’s Splendid Mendis, and as he’s part of the Holy Trinity of The Church Of Sehwagology, you have to have him in the side.

12th Man.

I’ve gone for Hashim Amla.  So improved this year.  Was a lovely batsman to watch.

So there you have it.  Suave’s suavest XI.  You can disagree if you like, just add your comments.

Remember though, if you do disagree, I will have to hulk smash you!

Much love.

Lord Megachief Of Gold
December 19, 2008, 10:29 am
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: , ,
He bats and bats and bats.

He bats and bats and bats.

Super Shiv on his way to a hundred, to underline his status as one of The Almighty Holy Trinity!

If one fails the others will deliver, for it is written in the bottom of your beer glass.

Worship at his Krabby Shrine.

Australia v West Indies, 2nd Test review.

Indepth Player analysis.


Phil Jacques.  OMG he;s like so shit in the field and like had to hide from some other blokes shit long hops all match, and thing.

Simon Katich.  he looks like a crab and things, and he got hurt and stuff.

Ricky Ponting.  LOL, where’s that hair from, looks like he picked it up off the road and stuff. ROFL

Michael Clarke.  He’s so fit and that.

Mike Hussey.  God all I did was sleep when i saw this old bloke.  He’s like so boring and that.  Fuckoff grand dad

Andrew Symonds.  He looks like predator LMAO.  He’s scary like a bear

Brad Haddin.  ROFL, looks a bit like some ovvver bloke that used to bend down and things.

Brett Lee.  Gay, wants to design pants for teenage boys, ROFL.  Call the coPS

Mitchell Johnson.  big teeth xxxLMAOxxx Shit.

Stuart Clark.  BORIng.  Sent ME TO sleep and shit, and all that other stuff

West Indies

Xavier Marshall.  OMG looks nice, and fly.  Shoots to soon.

Devon Smith.  UGLY! Fuckoff uglyboy.

Ramnaresh Sarwan.  He’s like cute and thing, gets a bit crazy but goes all the way LOL xxx.x.xx

Runako Morton.  You gonna get raped.  OMG HE@S SHITa and scary N that,

Shivnarine “Lord Megachief Of Gold” Chanderpaul.  he looks like that strayan bloke, but is millions better and things

Dwayne Bravo.  all blinged up and no place to go, ROFL.

Denesh Ramdin.  Cute, Shit, but Cute.

Darren Sammy.  OMG he could be good, but isn’t really and stuff

Jerome Taylor.  Good, bad and ugly LMAOxxx ROFL<

Daren Powell.  Shit

Fidel Edwards. You never guess WHAT, he’s like really quick and stuff, but he misses too much LOL

IPL gets underway!

The IPL has officially started with Bangalore Royal Challengers v Kolkata Knight Riders at Bangalore.

Bangalore, who are officially “The Most Boring C*nts In The World”, really shouldn’t win a game in this tournament, with players like Dravid, Kallis & Chanderpaul.

Kolkata have lost the services of Shoaib Akhtar after his five year ban, but have Ishant Sharma & Umar Gul, the wily Murali Kartik and David Hussey.

As I’m on holiday, with little access to Internet, or results, I’ve got no f*cking idea who’s won.

I’ll guess it was Knight Riders, and they win by three wickets or thirty runs.

If I’m wrong, then the world is stupid.

If I’m right, then the world is ace, and everyone except me is a doodyhead.

Good gracious, those wacky West Indians have won a test match!

What is this winning you talk of? I thought it went out of fashion in the 80\'s

West Indies recorded their first win at Queens Park Oval since 2000, with an excellent fourth innings run chase, against a fairly ordinary Sri Lankan attack.

Chaminda Vaas & Murali battled well, but in the end were not supported nearly enough, by the rest of their attack.

Let’s put the chase into perspective though, it was only 253 over two days, with 10 wickets in hand.  That’s not huge, but I’m guessing that The England would have capitulated, as we break out in cold sweats every time a mystery spinner takes the field.

Credit where credit is due, the Windies attack had some moments of magic, which gave them the opportunity.  One bowler in each innings really stepped to the plate, and the others did a little bit to help.


Ramneresh Sarwan.  Sarwan scored over 300 runs in the two test series, at an average of 77.  Good returns for a man who’s been out for 10 months.  The best batsman in the side.

Shivnarine Chanderpaul.  Lord Megachief Of Gold. Supported Sarwan beautifully, and showed why these two are so important to the West Indies, both are brilliant players of spin, and when you’re in a firefight, the two little fellas are the only players that seem as if they want it.

Thilan Samaraweera.  His brilliant 125 in the third innings, gave the Sirils a sniff.  Along with the auld fella Vaas, put on some very valuable runs.  I think he probably read my six word review of him, and decided he wasn’t happy being an anony mouse (Lovely little creatures).  Deserved more.

Jerome Taylor.  His second innings performance was very good, quick and dangerous. He took 4-52.

Fidel Edwards.  In the Sri Lankan first innings, he was half decent taking 4-84 (although went at nearly 5 an over).


Marlon Samuels.  Looks shit, is a chucker, is friends with Indian bookies.  Not a fan of this fella at all, and if I was in charge, he’d be out, until the ICC have sorted all this shit out.

The West Indian attack.  It’s too samey.  Taylor, Powell and Edwards are all quick and straight, with no real variety.  Once you’re in against these boys, it’s very easy to score off of them.  They offer up too much dross.  They have two specialist spinners in the squad, and chose not to use either of them. 

The Sri Lankan top four.  Scored 128 runs between them in two innings.  The fact that they two of these players are King Kumar, and Mahela Jayawardene, you would expect more.  Warnapura and Vandort were also fucking terrible.   This cost them the match.

Mirando & Amerasinghe.  Shit, Shit, Shit.  Sri Lanka must be praying that Malinga & Fernando are back soon, because these two knobbers, went for lots of runs, and took hardly any wickets.  It’s back to the days when if you could see off Vaas, and block out Murali, you could fill your boots.


The West Indies have Australia next.  They are going to get crushed.  The best they can hope for, is that one of their bowlers turns up in every innings and makes it a bit of a fight.  They need a more varied attack, and a proper quality spinner.

The batting line up needs a shakeup too, Samuels should be dropped.

Sri Lanka have the ingredients to stay in the top 5, when they get Malinga & Fernando back.  Their opening partnership needs a bit of time to bed in, but should be OK.

Six word reviews. West Indies vs Sri Lanka.

So, today we move on to the other sides playing test match cricket.  It’s the windies and the Sirils..

Still have Pakistan and Bangladesh to come.

West Indies

Chris Gayle: Scared of Vaas, losing coolness daily

Devon Smith: Cricinfo says belligerent, never seen belligering.

Ramnaresh Sarwan: Upset McGrath, nearly caused a war.

Marlon Samuels: Chucker, friend of bookies, dodgy fucker

Shivnarine Chanderpaul: Lord Megachief Of Gold. Enough Said.

Dwayne Bravo: Should be great, chooses lazy shite.

Dinesh Ramdin: Does his mummy know he’s here?

Ryan Hinds:  Desmond Haynes loves him, he’s shit.

Sulieman Benn: Stupid name, doesn’t take wickets. Shit.

Jerome Taylor: Bowls really quick, never really threatening

Daren Powell: averages 46, that’s mohammed sami shit.

Sri Lanka

Michael Vandort: A bambi Boycott, accumulates very slowly

Malinda Warnapura: New boy, likes windies and bangladesh.

Kumar Sangakkara: Suave, erudite, batting behemoth. Loves runs.

Mahela Jayawardene: Is a Proboth. (this is not part of the six words, but look at his profile on Cricinfo).  Destroys bowlers sadistically

Thilan Samaraweera: Who he? averages 40, no-one cares.

Tillakaratne Dilshan: Brilliant fielder, big ears, was muslim.

Prasanna Jayawardene: (Wk) Kumar can’t be bothered.  I can!

Chaminda Vaas: Wiley old dog, likes Chris Gayle

Thilan Thushara: Literally know nothing about this fella.

Rangana Herath: first class figures great, test, shit.

Muttiah Muralitharan: Highest wicket taker of all time.

West Indies In “We are Shit” Shocker

Shitting hell, we are absolute shite!

Oh dear…

At least there is some semblance of normality returning to the world of cricket.  The West Indies were bowled out for 139, with Pollock taking a 4-fer on return.  That’s utter shite.  No Chris Gayle, no Sarwan and Lord Megachief of Gold having a rare off day, puts the windies on the back foot and they are all out before tea.  Geoffrey Boycotts mother would have lasted til tea!

Their current problem is that 90% of the team is shit.

Darren Ganga.  Looks great technically, but is utter shit.

Brenton Parchment. averages 28 in first class cricket (really shit), which unbelievably, is good enough to get you into the West Indian team. 

Runako Morton.  Shit, and stupid, so double shit.

Dwayne Bravo.  Can’t be bothered, therefore shit.

Marlon Samuels.  As above, but shitter.

Shivnarine Chanderpaul.  Is Lord Megachief of Gold, therefore not shit (except playing with the tail)

Denesh Ramdin, decent enough keeper, but is shit with a bat in his hand.  And he looks 12.  also a bit like shiv’s little brother.  And is shit.

Darren Sammy.  Actually looks like a very decent all-rounder.  Good bowling as shown in his 7/66 against England last year, and handy with the bat too.  Not shit really.

Jerome Taylor.  Very good ODI player averages 25 in that format, nearly 40 in test cricket though.  Pyjamas good, whites shit.

Daren Powell.  This fella confuses me, sometimes he looks OK, most of the time he’s shit.  Averages over 44 with the ball, is therefore in the same category as Mohammed Sami, which is really fucking shit.

Fidel Edwards.  Is also shit.  In the same club as Sami & Powell, as his average is above 40.  Good ODI player though.

As you can probably tell, shit is my favourite word of the day.  I feel it, the weather is it, so are our Carribbean chums.