Suave's Republique Cricket


The Ashes 2009, First test, six word review

Here we are again, with Suave’s six word reviews.  Australia to come this afternoon.

Andrew Strauss

Piss poor captaincy, shit with bat.

Alastair Cook

Fucking piss-weak, public school cunt.

Ravi Bopara

Outwitted, then fucked over by Doctrove

Kevin Pietersen

Look at me, stupid ego cunt.

Paul Collingwood

Gritty street fighter, better than spinners

Matt Prior

looks OK, no smashing just yet.

Andrew Flintoff

Bowled into ground, now fucking crocked.

Stuart Broad

Can’t bowl for shit, find length!!!

Greame Swann

Worse than Hauritz.  One funny fucker.

James Anderson

Batting supremo.  Pitch it up, wanker!

Monty Panesar

Too quick, no variation, soon gone.



Cricket & Philosophy.
July 14, 2009, 10:24 am
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: , , , ,

My philosophy about cricket is to rant and scream and bash any and all fuckers who play badly, whilst representing their countries.

Luckily, not everyone is an angry fuckface, like me.  These fella’s seem cool.

THE PHILOSOPHY OF CRICKET The self-styled ‘sporting outfitters of intellectual distinction’ at Philosophy Football find quotes from philosophers about football and slap them on a T-shirt with name and squad number added.

This summer they have launched a their philosophy cricket range with opening bat CB Fry’s musings on cricket as a philosophy.   As a cricketer CB Fry captained both Sussex and England.  A gifted footballer too, he played professionally for Southampton and Portsmouth, making his England debut in 1901.

For a time he was also holder of the world record for the long jump. A superbly gifted cricket writer and academic off the pitch CB politically managed to combine standing unsuccessfully for Parliament as a Liberal Party candidate with the bizarre idea ideas that if Germany could be persuaded to play England at test cricket WW2 might be avoided.

The T-shirt is available from www.philosophyfootball.com with the search now on for other cricket quotes for T-shirted immortalisation.

He was a clever chap, even smarter than his namesake Stephen!

Go visit them, and make yourself look Suave too.



Die Nederlands; Die nieuw Zuid-Afrika?
Apple Fail!

Nom nom nom

Ryan Ten-Doeschate, Suave’s favourite Essex based dutchman, has obviously spent some time in Zuid-Afrika, learning from the master coach that is Mickey Arthur.  The best way to become world beaters in cricket is to eat cricket balls, apparently.

Nom nom nom

Nom nom nom

Be sure to get yourself over to King Cricket at 12pm BST today, for the greatest post the world has ever seen!  I can hardly wait.



The Duckworth Lewis Method
May 22, 2009, 7:19 pm
Filed under: Reviews | Tags: , , , , , ,
The Duckworth Lewis Method

The Duckworth Lewis Method

I am giddy with excitement, after receiving a copy of The Duckworth Lewis Method‘s new album DLM in the post today!

The Duckworth Lewis Method are made up of Neil Hannon of The Divine Comedy, and Thomas Walsh from Pugwash.

I will be giving it a listen over the weekend, and will be writing a full review here, for you lovely children.

As a brutally honest kind of fella, I will be telling it like it is.  If it’s great, I’ll shout it from the top.  If it’s shit, I shall do the same, only louder!

I can’t see that to be honest, as I love Neil Hannon, so expect this magical combination of cricket and music to be fantastical.



Media wankfest #2
Good, but not that good... Yet...

Good, but not that good... Yet...

Dear media,

Please stop the wankfest over Hughes’ county stint please.

Most of the runs he scored were in the County Championship 2nd division.  This is a division where the leading wicket takers are Jon Lewis & James Tredwell.

Those old fuckers weren’t even good enough to hold down a spot in The England’s ODI side, and they’re proper fucking pony.

So can we stop with the cock sucking please.  He smashed around a load of has-beens and never will be’s.

I’m not saying that the fella hasn’t got talent.   He has.   He’s averaging 69 in both test and FC cricket.  Not bad, I think you’ll agree..

What I will say, is that Jimmy Adams averaged 87 after 12 tests, and Mike Hussey averaged 80 at the start of 2008 and is now averaging 55 (to be fair that’s still higher than any current The  England batsman).

If, after the ashes he’s still averaging high 60’s, then fairly do’s, lick the boy’s testicles all you like.  Allow him to roger you roughly with bananas from his daddy’s farm, but let’s not get stupid, eh…

Now fuck off.

Update

Being a Suave fellow, I’m horrified, I say horrified at what I’ve just seen on Sky Sports News.

I know Phil Hughes is young, but there’s never an excuse to be wearing an ill fitting suit, with a shirt that has seventies style collars opened wide, to expose the chest hair.  That and the two diamond earrings, have sent my Suave sensibilities absolutely bandy..

Fucking hell, can’t someone teach the little bogan banana farmer to dress properly!



How to bring down Sehwagology, Part I
Danny V was fast as lightning!

Everybody was Kung-Fu fighting...

How do you get rid of Lord Sehwag, when he’s in great nick?

Ask Daniel Vettori, The Geek of Tweak!   According to this photo, it’s Kung Fu.

If you wanna bring down the big man, get the auld Bruce Lee skills out.

Danny V obviously has the skillz to pay the billz, and got Our Lord with some martial art madness!

So bowlers of the world, get down to your local Dojo’s and get training.  It’s the only way!



Albie there for you, when the rain starts to fall.

Ring a ding ding…

Albie Morkel, is a batting behemoth. He reminds me of Lance Klusener in his pomp. Bowls fast medium, and can absolutely belt the covers off the ball.

His 40 off 22 today, was the difference between the sides. South Africa cleverly waited until he got his eye in, then took the batting powerplay, and he went batshit. Admittedly he was helped by poor fielding from Australia (they are looking average in the field at the moment, dropping two catches in the first over of South Africa’s reply). This boy can really strike a ball, and the fact that he has a supervillain as a brother, probably helps. I imagine it would give you that extra confidence one requires, to beat all and sundry.

South Africa now take a 2-1 lead in the series, and it’s turning out to be a cracker.

In other news, The England arrived safely in the West Indies, after pissing off a plane load of tourists, by diverting the flight. They did hand out The England cufflinks to those that were upset by the delay, which is nice.

I’m expecting the england to draw the series. We will not be able to bowl out Grand Lord Megachief of Gold, so it’ll be another year of averaging over 100 for Shiv.

For the sehwagology members amongst us (that should be all of you, by the way, if I find out any of you are non-believers, it’lll be the Suavish Inquisition), our Lord hath spoken..

More to come shortly..