Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Andrew Flintoff, Andrew Strauss, Ashes, Ashes 2009, australia, Cricket, England, Greame Swann, james anderson, Kevin Pietersen, Matt Prior, Monty Panesar, Nathan Hauritz, paul collingwood, Ravi Bopara, Six Word Reviews, stuart broad
Here we are again, with Suave’s six word reviews. Australia to come this afternoon.
Andrew Strauss
Piss poor captaincy, shit with bat.
Alastair Cook
Fucking piss-weak, public school cunt.
Ravi Bopara
Outwitted, then fucked over by Doctrove
Kevin Pietersen
Look at me, stupid ego cunt.
Paul Collingwood
Gritty street fighter, better than spinners
Matt Prior
looks OK, no smashing just yet.
Andrew Flintoff
Bowled into ground, now fucking crocked.
Stuart Broad
Can’t bowl for shit, find length!!!
Greame Swann
Worse than Hauritz. One funny fucker.
James Anderson
Batting supremo. Pitch it up, wanker!
Monty Panesar
Too quick, no variation, soon gone.
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Ashes, Ashes 2009, Cricket, football, Philosophy
My philosophy about cricket is to rant and scream and bash any and all fuckers who play badly, whilst representing their countries.
Luckily, not everyone is an angry fuckface, like me. These fella’s seem cool.
THE PHILOSOPHY OF CRICKET The self-styled ‘sporting outfitters of intellectual distinction’ at Philosophy Football find quotes from philosophers about football and slap them on a T-shirt with name and squad number added.
This summer they have launched a their philosophy cricket range with opening bat CB Fry’s musings on cricket as a philosophy. As a cricketer CB Fry captained both Sussex and England. A gifted footballer too, he played professionally for Southampton and Portsmouth, making his England debut in 1901.
For a time he was also holder of the world record for the long jump. A superbly gifted cricket writer and academic off the pitch CB politically managed to combine standing unsuccessfully for Parliament as a Liberal Party candidate with the bizarre idea ideas that if Germany could be persuaded to play England at test cricket WW2 might be avoided.
The T-shirt is available from www.philosophyfootball.com with the search now on for other cricket quotes for T-shirted immortalisation.
Go visit them, and make yourself look Suave too.
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: 20/20 World cup, 20/20 World cup 2009, apple fail, Cricket, Die Nederlands, Fail, Holland, Mickey Arthur, Netherlands, nom nom nom, Ryan Ten Doeschate, Zuid-afrika
Nom nom nom
Ryan Ten-Doeschate, Suave’s favourite Essex based dutchman, has obviously spent some time in Zuid-Afrika, learning from the master coach that is Mickey Arthur. The best way to become world beaters in cricket is to eat cricket balls, apparently.
Nom nom nom
Be sure to get yourself over to King Cricket at 12pm BST today, for the greatest post the world has ever seen! I can hardly wait.
Filed under: Reviews | Tags: Album review, Cricket, DLM, Music, Pugwash, The Divine Comedy, The Duckworth Lewis Method
The Duckworth Lewis Method
I am giddy with excitement, after receiving a copy of The Duckworth Lewis Method‘s new album DLM in the post today!
The Duckworth Lewis Method are made up of Neil Hannon of The Divine Comedy, and Thomas Walsh from Pugwash.
I will be giving it a listen over the weekend, and will be writing a full review here, for you lovely children.
As a brutally honest kind of fella, I will be telling it like it is. If it’s great, I’ll shout it from the top. If it’s shit, I shall do the same, only louder!
I can’t see that to be honest, as I love Neil Hannon, so expect this magical combination of cricket and music to be fantastical.
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Ashes, Ashes 2009, australia, county cricket, Cricket, England, James Tredwell, Jimmy Adams, Jon Lewis, middlesex, Mike Hussey, Phil Hughes, Philip Hughes, The England
Good, but not that good... Yet...
Dear media,
Please stop the wankfest over Hughes’ county stint please.
Most of the runs he scored were in the County Championship 2nd division. This is a division where the leading wicket takers are Jon Lewis & James Tredwell.
Those old fuckers weren’t even good enough to hold down a spot in The England’s ODI side, and they’re proper fucking pony.
So can we stop with the cock sucking please. He smashed around a load of has-beens and never will be’s.
I’m not saying that the fella hasn’t got talent. He has. He’s averaging 69 in both test and FC cricket. Not bad, I think you’ll agree..
What I will say, is that Jimmy Adams averaged 87 after 12 tests, and Mike Hussey averaged 80 at the start of 2008 and is now averaging 55 (to be fair that’s still higher than any current The England batsman).
If, after the ashes he’s still averaging high 60’s, then fairly do’s, lick the boy’s testicles all you like. Allow him to roger you roughly with bananas from his daddy’s farm, but let’s not get stupid, eh…
Now fuck off.
Update
Being a Suave fellow, I’m horrified, I say horrified at what I’ve just seen on Sky Sports News.
I know Phil Hughes is young, but there’s never an excuse to be wearing an ill fitting suit, with a shirt that has seventies style collars opened wide, to expose the chest hair. That and the two diamond earrings, have sent my Suave sensibilities absolutely bandy..
Fucking hell, can’t someone teach the little bogan banana farmer to dress properly!
Filed under: Cricket, Misdirection | Tags: Cricket, Daniel Vettori, india, Mclean Park, Napier, New Zealand, Sehwagology, Virender Sehwag
Everybody was Kung-Fu fighting...
How do you get rid of Lord Sehwag, when he’s in great nick?
Ask Daniel Vettori, The Geek of Tweak! According to this photo, it’s Kung Fu.
If you wanna bring down the big man, get the auld Bruce Lee skills out.
Danny V obviously has the skillz to pay the billz, and got Our Lord with some martial art madness!
So bowlers of the world, get down to your local Dojo’s and get training. It’s the only way!
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Albie Morkel, australia, Church Of Sehwagology, Cricket, England, odi, South Africa, The England, Virender Sehwag, west indies
Ring a ding ding…
Albie Morkel, is a batting behemoth. He reminds me of Lance Klusener in his pomp. Bowls fast medium, and can absolutely belt the covers off the ball.
His 40 off 22 today, was the difference between the sides. South Africa cleverly waited until he got his eye in, then took the batting powerplay, and he went batshit. Admittedly he was helped by poor fielding from Australia (they are looking average in the field at the moment, dropping two catches in the first over of South Africa’s reply). This boy can really strike a ball, and the fact that he has a supervillain as a brother, probably helps. I imagine it would give you that extra confidence one requires, to beat all and sundry.
South Africa now take a 2-1 lead in the series, and it’s turning out to be a cracker.
In other news, The England arrived safely in the West Indies, after pissing off a plane load of tourists, by diverting the flight. They did hand out The England cufflinks to those that were upset by the delay, which is nice.
I’m expecting the england to draw the series. We will not be able to bowl out Grand Lord Megachief of Gold, so it’ll be another year of averaging over 100 for Shiv.
For the sehwagology members amongst us (that should be all of you, by the way, if I find out any of you are non-believers, it’lll be the Suavish Inquisition), our Lord hath spoken..
More to come shortly..
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Cricket, Drugs, Lies lies from tiny eyes, Mohammed Asif, Morphine, Opium, Pakistan, PCB, WADA
It’s OK to do drugs, as long as you’re not playing in a competiton, lots of love Pakistan Cricket Board.. KTHXBAI.
Look at me, I’m spangled man! Lies lies from tiny eyes. 
Drug addled fucknut, Mo Asif, busily scouring the streets for his next hit.
The World Anti-Doping Agency (WADA) will have no jurisdiction over Mohammad Asif’s detention case in Dubai, when the fast bowler was detained at Dubai Aiport after being caught in possession of opium, in June last year.
The PCB has received a letter from WADA about the case, and though opium is on the list of banned substances – because it contains morphine – the board feels an internal inquiry is the way ahead.
“It [opium] is a drug because it contains morphine,” said Salim Altaf, the chief operating officer of the PCB. “From that perspective it is a banned substance. However, if this drug in the possession of an individual and it’s out of competition, we have to look at that perspective as well. All angles will have to be looked at. I don’t think WADA has any jurisdiction in it.”
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Andre Nel, Cricket, South Africa, swearing, swearing is an art form
DU IST EIN PIMMEL KOPF!
Andre Nel has been banned for one domestic match for “crude or abusive language” in a domestic match between Cobras and Lions on January 4.
Top work crazy boy. Pussy umpires, can’t handle a bit of swearing?! I’m assuming they don’t read my site then?
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Cricket, Republique Cricket, Search terms, suave
Here are some of the weirder search engine terms, that brought the dregs of society to La Republique!
the best way to cook a naked woman (WTF, I’ve never cooked a woman before!)
bigsize ladies fucking
fuck 15 old (Legal Disclaimer: That’s not legal, and I’ve no idea how that linked to me?!)
ugly fuckers fucking
your wife will not let you see her naked
is billy bowden homsexual (probably)
wanky fuck me
nathan bracken looks like girl (yes, yes he does!)
my mam is fucking very well (I’d never refer to mother as mam, you sick bastards)
michael hussey+team bus (It wouldn’t surprise me, the pervert)
There was also a lot of “boots, cunts, fuckings”, in many guises.
What a sick lot of fuckers! As they say, it takes one to know one, eh!
Suave's Republique Cricket 