Suave's Republique Cricket

The Ashes 2009, First test, six word review

Here we are again, with Suave’s six word reviews.  Australia to come this afternoon.

Andrew Strauss

Piss poor captaincy, shit with bat.

Alastair Cook

Fucking piss-weak, public school cunt.

Ravi Bopara

Outwitted, then fucked over by Doctrove

Kevin Pietersen

Look at me, stupid ego cunt.

Paul Collingwood

Gritty street fighter, better than spinners

Matt Prior

looks OK, no smashing just yet.

Andrew Flintoff

Bowled into ground, now fucking crocked.

Stuart Broad

Can’t bowl for shit, find length!!!

Greame Swann

Worse than Hauritz.  One funny fucker.

James Anderson

Batting supremo.  Pitch it up, wanker!

Monty Panesar

Too quick, no variation, soon gone.

14 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Spot on old chap, nice one!

Comment by SixSixEight

Looking forward to the Aussie commentary. A bit harsh on some, but very accurate on others.

Comment by Brick Paver

Sorry Bricky.. It will be coming soon, I promise. Been busier than a busy bee, who’s having a particularly busy week, due to holidays and swine flu and lazy colleagues!

Comment by Suave

Brilliant and telling use of wide and varied vocabulary. Well thought out rational assessments. I assume you’ll be signed up by the Guardian sports supplement pretty soon. Well done.

Comment by John

Brilliant! Thanks John, I look forward to working alongside such luminaries as Lawrence Booth & Mike Selvey soon!

Comment by Suave

Personally I’d rotate you and J-Rod on the Guardian’s/Times’s pages on a weekly basis. Maybe that’s why I’m not a commissioning editor. Although 66 words is a bit short for a column!

Comment by nigel

Thanks Nigel… Very nice of you to say. If there are any Guardian or Times commissioning editors out there, I can stop swearing, but only if I’m paid.

Comment by Suave

Guardian/cricket is tripe these days. Over-the-top purple prose, hype and just too clever for words tripe. It feels like a public schoolboys’ club. Yuck.

Comment by Lula

Lula – Every sports writer is trying to outdo the other in all the so-called “quality” papers these days – it’s a club for big egos …if you don’t like reading it, you should try sub-editing it!

Comment by nigel

Small suggestion Suavey. But it may involve you getting off your butt and working for a few minutes. So take it however you will. Can we get some little photoshopped pics of you either Hulk-smashing the sucker or sharing a gap-toothed smile and beer with whoever you bag or praise?

Comment by horatius

ten wickets by way of catches, hit the ball along the ground you silly f*ckas!!!

Comment by IronBottom

bull-ant my arse the lot of you…none of you have a clue about the great game!

Comment by jimmy43

Bull-Ant my arse the lot of you…Not one of you has a clue about the great game!

Comment by jimmy43

What the hell is this website!!! What kind of idiotic little weed would create such a thing! What a bastard loser! It isn’t funny or clever it’s just pathetic! The England Cricket Team are absolutely amazing! However it is funny that you seem to have complemented the Dutch Team! The team that Dirk Nannes left to go and play with Australia because he wanted to play proper cricket! The team that didn’t even get to the ICC T20 World Cup this year, ha! Get a life!

Comment by Grace

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