Suave's Republique Cricket


Test Team Of The Year 2008

Greame Smith.

This should be obvious.  Scored shitloads of runs, is the best 4th innings batsman in world cricket.  If you had a run chase, you’d want this man in there.

Virender Sehwag.

Is the leader of the Church Of Sehwagology, and no more needs to be said.  Any that disagree on this selection, get burned at the stake like the witches they are!

Gautham Gambhir

Averaged over 70 for the year.   Was not out under 55mins once this year.  Scored at a clip of at least 3 rpo in every innings.

Kevin Pietersen

This was a tough choice.  It was either KP or Sachin.  Sachin’s probably appeared in a billion others top test team, so I went with KP.  KP averaged a couple of points higher, scored about 50 runs less, it was that close.  KP gets it, for being more innovative.  That switch hit, is a thing of beauty.

Shivnarine Chanderpaul

Lord Megachief of Gold averages 105 for the last two years.  More difficult to get out, than bloodstains on a fresh white carpet.  Is part of the holy trinity too, so you burn, if you disagree.

M S Dhoni (Wk) Captain

Dhoni, is actually the worst wicket keeper out of the top five sides.   Boucher, Haddin & McCullum all had more dismissals than him.  Even wanky wicky Ambrose has a higher percentage of dismissals per innings.  So as a keeper, he’s a bit shite.   But…  The boy’s got balls of steel, can bat beautifully, and is a marvellous captain.  So for that reason, he’s in.

Andrew Flintoff

He get’s the all-rounder nod, because I love him, and want his children.  The 10 deliveries that scared shitless, Jacques Kallis, one of the worlds best batsman, at Edgbaston should be enough.

Dale Steyn

74 wickets at 20.  Fast, accurate and strangely for a South African, humble and pleasant.

Mitchell Johnson

Is easily the best bowler in Australia, and was second highest wicket taker in world cricket this year.  If he can learn to swing the ball at his pace, he will be unplayable.

Ryan Sidebottom

Easily forgotten, since his injuries, but was amazing all winter, and most of early summer.  He picked up 47 wickets in 8 test matches at an average of 20.2, that my friends is quality bowling.   The boy can swing it too.  Let’s hope that the bad back sorts itself out, and that he’s firing for The England again soon.

Ajantha Mendis

Because he’s a freak.  Because he’s Splendid Mendis, and as he’s part of the Holy Trinity of The Church Of Sehwagology, you have to have him in the side.

12th Man.

I’ve gone for Hashim Amla.  So improved this year.  Was a lovely batsman to watch.

So there you have it.  Suave’s suavest XI.  You can disagree if you like, just add your comments.

Remember though, if you do disagree, I will have to hulk smash you!

Much love.



A proper preview on England v South Africa

As a hardhitting journalist, with a vast array of cricket knowledge, I’ve decided to do a real piece of hardhitting journalism.

By hardhitting journalism, I mean, me talking shit about a weird dream I had the other night.  It basically involved a cricketer of some repute following me around for eternity, performing his best shot, everytime I needed a pick me up.  So I shall expand on that weird night, and add what I would have all of the The England and South African team doing if each of them had to stick by my side.

1 Alastair Cook

This young buck will apply eyeliner to me or my friends whenever required.  He’s obviously very adept at this.  See here for more.

2 Andrew Strauss

He will wear a biggles outfit during the day, with the flappy scarf and things, entertaining my republican army.  When required posh lad will dress up in full evening suit, and smoke cigarettes through an antique cigarette holder, whilst supplying me with the finest brandies, wines and champagnes.  It will be a suave double team, and a bally good show.

3 Michael Vaughan (capt)

Mr Vaughan is bound for life to perform a classy cover drive when I need him to, and to miss a straight one when I need a laugh.  Good times.

4 Kevin Pietersen

KP is required to watch while I make love to his wife for all of eternity.  See Morne Morkel’s details for added extras to this scenario.  Strauss will also be in the corner, pouring my drinks and keeping me in cigarettes for the night!

5 Ian Bell

This little fuckstick is to throw roses at my feet until the end of time.  Just like those lovely ladies in Coming to America.

6 Paul Collingwood

Is to forever follow me, as leader of Suave’s ageing ginger all-rounder army.  He will protect me from abybody silly enough to attack our beloved and benevolent Suave leader.

7 Tim Ambrose (wk)

Wanky wicky is to stay behind me at all times in case I drop anything.  I lose on average about £30 a month, dropping money out of my pockets.  Little wanky wicky will stop all that, and give ole Suave another lunchtime on the pop a month. Well done that boy.

8 Stuart Broad

Young broadywoady pudding and pie, is to spend the rest of his days making sure Suave’s hair is in a perfectly coiffured state.  This bucl already spends so much time on his own hair, I’m sure he’ll service mine beautifully.

9 Ryan Sidebottom

Mr Sidebottom will accompany Suave to every gig he goes to in futues, and will supply the hair when I cut mine off.  Whenever I cut my hair short, the thing I hate most about gigs, is not being able to shake the hair.  Ryan will provide this service.

10 Monty Panesar

Any and every time Suave performs something of note, of excellence (as you can imagine this would be an extremely busy job for the montster), he will high five me in his inimitable way.  Wahey Monty!

11 James Anderson

Will be permanently by my side, until I’ve learnt what makes him the quick, snplayable bastard he can be. Once I’ve learnt that, I will train him to do that EVERY time he plays.

1 Graeme Smith (capt)

Bear like left hander, will spend time immortal licking the shit off my shoe, every time I inadvertently tread in some bastard dogs do doo.

2 Neil McKenzie

Old mentalist is to be by my side to ensure that my madness pales in to insignificance next to his, the crazy arsed fucker.  I have a reasonably small version of OCD.  So Mackenzie would make me look normal.

3 Hashim Amla

Amla is to join me on every flight with a budget airline I ever take from now on.  He will sit by the window, I will sit on the aisle seat, guarenteeing that no fat, smelly people sit in the middle, and I can stretch out to my hearts content, or until people stop worrying that bearded muslims are going to blow up any and every motherfucking that moves.

4 Jacques Kallis

This boring twat is to break down an innnings of his, every time I suffer from insomnia, so that Suave can keep his beauty sleep to the necessary 8 hours.   Instant karma, Suave is still beautiful.  I win.

5 Ashwell Prince

Ashwell is to do a similar job to JK but for afternoon naps.  He will come out to bat, and instantly send me into a lovely deep afternoon snooze.

6 AB de Villiers

Vehement letter C denier, will be my golf partner, if I ever take up the stupid, boring, fucking aimless game.  As a scratch golfer, he’ll be able to cover up my inadequecies and ensure that Suave still looks Suave in plus fours.

7 Mark Boucher (wk)

This wicket keeper is to stand behind any of my annoying colleagues constantly chirping in their ears, whenever the fuckers start telling me about their love of computer games, porn or cars.  Boucher will chirp away at them, telling them what useless lives they have, and that they should remove their gene pool from society.

8 Morne Morkel

Supervillain is required to laugh maniacally whenever I get the rage, and anything Evil is about to happen.  Which as most of you lot have realised, is quite regularly.  Get that larynx working you big fucker!

9 Paul Harris

It’s getting a struggle now, fuck me.  Paul Harris appears to have no talents at all, so I’m going to stick him behind my private bar, to serve me drinks for the rest of time.  Most of my local pubs now have saffers behind the ramp, and they work hard, so that’s it for this left arm tweaker.

10 Dale Steyn

To bowl fiery full, swinging deliveries into the legs of anyone getting in my way whilst walking.  Suave is a very quick walker, and hates slow people getting in his way.  Utilising his pace, will clear the way for me to get where i’m going in good time

11 Makhaya Ntini.

What can I get the convicted rapist to do, for ole suavey wauvey?  I don’t need any rape in my life thank you very much.  As Ntini likes to run from the ground to his hotel after tests, I will use him in emergency traffic situations, if I happen to get stuck in traffic anywhere, Ntini is to turn up and piggy back me to my destination.

I’m spent now, business hours are over!  It’s business, it’s business time!



Things that I hate today.

IPL.. Fucking hurry up and get to the semi-final stage.  I’m fucked off with watching stupid Kallis and Dravid pretend they aren’t ancient.

Matthew Hayden.  This goes without saying.

Greame Smith.  For wanting to be Hayden.

Steve Harmison.  For breaking Hoggy’s thumb.

Chris Tremlett. For looking like he should kill people, but being a meek and mild twat.

Jimmy Anderson.  For being a useless twat for four balls an over, and looking great the other two.

Stuart Broad.  For believing his own hype.

Monty Panesar.  For being a starfish.

The England Selectors.  For not picking Adil Rashid.

The England Middle Order.  For not scoring any runs, and looking far too comfortable.

Mark Ramprakash.  Fucking hurry up and score that century, so we can all move on. Please!!



India in “we’ve turned it around, and now it’s those saffers getting spanked” shocker!

Well, Jrod got his prediction right, and India have won within three and half days, to draw the test series with South Africa.

MS Dhoni captained the Indians, in the absence of Anil Kumble. he performed rather well, I thought. He had Singh open the bowling, which worked a treat.

As expected, on a pitch that’s slow, with uneven bounce, and a raging turner, Harbhajan Singh performed admirably. Virender Sehwag also proved an excellent support act, after the little leggy, Chawla (must have been busy with his lusty thoughts, all leggies are lusty, some lusties are leggies, therefore all leggies are lusty, or some such gubbins), proved to be shit.

Viru’s first delivery of his first spell, ripped, spat, bit, called Kallis’ lovemaking in to question, molested his sister, fornicated with his Aunty, and had him caught off the glove by Jaffer.

Not bad for a part-time off-spinner. No lust there, offies are not lusty. They’re dusty,

Any way, it ended up a drawn series, which was a good recovery from India, after getting spanked in the first test

Heroes & Villains

Heroes

Saurav Ganguly.  His first innings 87 really was outstanding, and gave India the lead they needed to turn over the chokers.

Virender Sehwag.  Just because. No more needs to be said.

Ishant Sharma.  For being a gangly freak, who bowls nicely and looks like a praying mantis.

MS Dhoni.  For being captain marvel, and saving India’s blushes with some inspired skippering.

Villains

The whole South African team, for being South african.

Paul Harris.  For being a worse spinner than India’s part timers.  Fucking hell man, you get paid to SPIN and take wickets.  On a raging turner, with uneven bounce, most spinners would be looking at four or five wickets per innings.  He took 4-147.  Wanker.



India in “We can play on turning, slow and low wickets” shocker

India have bowled out The Evil Empire, for 265 in the first innings of the third test.

India need a win, to draw the series, and retain whatever trophy it is they’re playing for (is it the Cronje-Bookies trophy?).

South Africa started brightly, by getting to 152-1, with Bear-like fuckhead, Matthew Hayden wannabe, hitting 69, and Hashim Amla continuing his good run of late (live average of 76.75), with a 51.

They then fell apart and lost the other 9 wickets for 113.

Ashwell (i’m f8cking tedious, me) Prince, carried on in the style we’ve become accustomed too, of late, and now averages 11.5 for the tour.  Evil Morne Morkel averages more!

Oops.

Ishant Sharma, after a shocking start, spraying it around left, right and unfortunately not centre, ended up with 3-55.  Harbhajan Singh took 3-53, and was backed up by Sehwag & Yuvi with their part time spinners.

Sreesanth, the shithead crazy fool, is still fucking rotten though.  Averaging 88 with the ball.  Now when you look at that compared to any of the Saffer quicks, you’ll see that it’s pony and trap.

Morkel averages 45, Ntini, 21 & Steyn 18.

This should be the sort of pitch, that Indian batsman thrive on, but it’s not going to be easy.  They’ll be facing probably the best fast bowling attack in world cricket at the minute, and the pitch seems to have all sorts of Gremlins.  SA really need to get their lines right though, as they only have Harris for spin, if the seamers fail.

Game on.



Six word reviews. India vs South Africa

As yesterdays six word review of The England & New Zealand went down so well, I shall continue..

Today, I enter the realms of the subcontinent to poetically describe the Indians and South Africans.

South Africa

Greame Smith: Bear like opener, flat track bully

Neil Mackenzie: Shitting old fella, good on roads.

Hashim Amla: Bearded wonder Jrod hates to watch.

Jacques Kallis: Think of him having sex, disgusting!

Ashwell Prince: Boring c*nt, IPL didn’t want him.

A B De Villiers: God botherer, lives with evil Morkels.

Mark Boucher: Best keeper in world cricket? Maybe..

Morne Morkel: Sounds like a super villain, evil.

Paul Harris: Like Tufnell, marginally better with bat

Dale Steyn: Quick, makes bangladesh cry for mummy

Makhaya Ntini: Definitely not a rapist, no siree.

India

Virender Sehwag: Batshit batsman, smashes quicks for fun

Wasim Jaffer: Done by a jaffer, not again!!

Rahul Dravid: The Wall, like watching paint dry.

Sachin Tendulkar: Little Master likes Aussie attacks. Genius.

Sourav Ganguly: Lord Snooty. Up his own arse.

VVS Laxman: Graceful, batters aussies, everyone loves that!

Mahendra Singh Dhoni: Swashbuckling keeper, likes young lads, oooh!

Anil Kumble: Former official god, doesn’t turn it.

Harbhajan Singh: Mouthy twat, should concentrate on bowling!!

RP Singh: Suave looking, swings it both ways.

Sree Sreesanth: Mentalist, proper fucking loony. Bowl, Idiot!



Book Review. Supercat, The Authorised Biography of Clive Lloyd. Simon Lister.
March 5, 2008, 2:56 pm
Filed under: Cricket, language | Tags: , , ,

Suave’s first ever book review..

And a cricket one to boot..

Buy it here

Raise a glass, to the coolest cat in town!

First a word about the writer, Simon Lister. I think he has pulled together, a superb book, and his writing style is bang on.

He somehow manages to make a cricket biography, both detailed enough for your average anorak, and refreshing enough for any one with a passing interest in cricket or Clive Lloyd, to devour. A job well done.

Clive Lloyd was one of the first cricketers, I had a real hero worship for. His batting was both sublime and destructive. He could turn his arm over, when needed, and for such a big man, he was lightening in the field.

The man was also a great leader, a role model for anyone, no matter creed, caste, colour or religion, and a man who will be long remembered.

This is a man, who nearly lost his eyesight as a child; who was nearly paralysed after landing awkwardly whilst fielding, and came out of it all, as the best captain and one of the truly great cricketers, the West Indies has ever seen.

This book has restored my faith in the human race.

Simon Lister deals with the subjects of slavery and race, sensitively and thoughtfully. And at this juncture, I will re-produce a quote from the book, that has turned Suave from an angry little fuckstick, in to a loving human being.

“I Will sit down and talk to anybody over a drink, on any subject. If someone is racist, I see it as a triumph of the unintelligent. One thing I do know: I don’t have a racist bone in my body. And I will not compromist when it comes to racism. I dislike it intensely and will fight against it any time for a white guy or a black guy. That’s how I am. Cricket has done this to me because I’ve played when I’ve been the only black guy in the team; I’ve captained sides and been the only black man there. So it has taught me a lot, and I cannot be racist. I respect every colour, every class, every creed, every religion. I make no apology for that. The white guy, the black guy, the asian guy. We all have a right to feel prod of who we are
“I can’t change who I am. I am a person has never seen colour; I see human beings. Cut me and my blood will be the same colour as yours. I am a citizen of the world”.

This sums the man up beautifully, and makes me want to be a better person.

And one last quote, before I wrap up, to further show, the idealogy, and heart of a truly majestic human being.

“I think, to be happy, a man has to free his heart from hatred; he has to free his mind from worries; he has to live simply, give more and expect less…”

To show how this has affected my very soul, I present my homage to two men, who I no longer hate, dislike, detest or abhor.

I love you guys.  I am a citizen of the world!

Thank you Clive Lloyd.