Suave's Republique Cricket

Hitting it well in the nets
May 20, 2009, 3:18 pm
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How queer!

How queer!

If there’s one thing you constantly hear about Michael Vaughan, it’s that he’s hitting it well in the nets.

Now look at that photo above, and by jove, the fucker is!

There’s no green edges, it’s all middle.

If anyone knows what the green shit is from, or where the balls come from, I’d be intrigued.   I see lots of green marks on international cricketers bats, but have never seen a green ball.  When we use a bowling machine, they’re either yellow or red, and they don’t leave marks.

I’m guessing that Michael looks great for a pristine 20, then gets done by a straight one, but you never know.

If only he could do it in the middle more.  That would be nice.


Well fuck my old boots.  What do you know.  He really is hitting it well in the middle.  This time around though, he’s good at one day cricket, and shit over the longer term.

He’s averaging over 50 in pyjama’s this year.  His career average is 29.

The world really is going wonky.


Ha!  I’ve jinxed him.  46 is his season average now.   Out LBW for 74.   Still good mind, but he’s not hit a century in OD games for ages.  He’s only scored 3 centuries in 360 odd List A and ODI matches.  Michael Vaughan will be very disappointed not to cash in on a flat deck at the oval.  In fact Michael Vaughan might get so angry he only communicates with himself in the third person.

Geoff Miller has shit in his eyes!!

The touring squad for India has just been picked, and there are no major surprises anywhere.  Which is all a bit tedious if you ask me.

The three main areas of contention were..

The replacement for Mickey V, him of the central contract and the straight ball issue.

The choices.

Owais Shah

Ravi Bopara

The place has gone to Ace, as he’s an exceptional player of spin, and had a handy performance in India back in the winter of 2005, I’ve no problem with this one, as he’s shown class for The England whenever he’s played of late, and Rav The Chav has been smashing mediocre Division Two bowlers around all season.  I mean fucking hell, Tony Frost, some brummy landscape gardener, with myopia, averaged 80 in division two this year.

Second we had the wanky wicky conundrum.

Matt Prior and Tim Ambrose had increment contracts, which is like a temp version of a central contract, so were the obvious choices for the selectors.

Prior Deserved it, Ambrose didn’t.  The man is shit.  Can’t catch and can’t bat at international level.  IT should have gone to Essex Wonder Wicky, James Foster.  He’s the best wicket keeper in the country by a long shot, and his batting is reliable, and solid.  And to rub salt in to the wounds he doesn’t even get a shout with the development squad.  If I was James Foster, I’d be talking to a few geezers in dark corners of Essex boozers about where the selection panel live.  Know what I mean son?  A nod is as good as a wink to a blind man.

Then we get two them troublesome spinners.

The choices were Monty Panesar, Greame Swann and Adil Rashid.

They’ve picked The Sikh of Tweak, and gobby bloke.

Young Buck don’t even get a sniff, which is shit.

He’s the highest wicket taker out of any spinner in the country.  He’s taken 62 wickets at 30, and is a better batsman the Swanny, and has proven runs for The England Hedgehogs out in India too.

Jrod over at the peerless Cricket with Balls, had this to say…

He seems to have been chosen under the Ashley Giles selection policy.

“Sure he doesn’t take many wickets, but he can bat a bit, and everyone likes him, so lets take him along. “

The fact that Ashley Giles is on the selection committee probably had a lot to do with that!

Arsebiscuits to the lot of em..

Rashid is a better option, and he needs to be tested against quality opposition, to see where he really is.  Being sent on The Hedgehog tour again, is like sending him back to do the same year at school, like the big retarded kid with the sideburns who smashes kids up for their lunch money.

They sent him away to improve his bowling last winter and he took more wickets than any other spinner in English cricket.  What more do they need?

Some will say he’s too young, but he’s the same age as Murali was when he made his debut, and he was nowt special til he developed his doosra. 

And off spinners are shit heads, FACT.

Dirty ECB Fuckers
September 27, 2008, 6:53 pm
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This is going to be short, very short.

I’m pissed and angry and Strictly Come Dancing is about to start.

Geoff Miller has dropped Michael Vaughan from the India winter tour.  Fucking right you might say….  Me too.

Then why has the fucker been given a central contract?  He won’t play this winter, so it should have gone to someone more deserving.

Fucking Stupid.

More to come shortly on Ceci’s county Durham, who today re-wrote the championship records.

Love you all.


Who gets a hulk smash?

After a pretty abject summer, barely beating New Zealand and losing to South Africa, here is my summer test review.

In it, I decide through Suave’s hulk smash phenomonen, who survives and who feels the pain.

Alastair Cook

Eyeliner escapes a two handed hulk smash, as he actually scored a decent amount of runs.  The one handed hulk smash comes about because the Little shithead has forgotten how to get past 60.

Andrew Strauss

full on hulk smash for Wing Commander.  Scored nothing until he was under scrutiny again, and to be honest looks shit against all world class attacks.  Should be sent to the local boozer to regale young fellows with stories of his heroics in The War.  Fucking posh twat.

Michael Vaughan

Nothing to add really, as the straight ball missing, weird mulleted former skipper, seems to have hulk smashed himself.  Lucky boy cos he was gonna get it big time!

Kevin Pietersen

New Skipper, top run-scorer, all-round talented fucker.  He gets a little David Banner type hug.  Keep it up big man.

Ian Bell

Semi smashing again, as the 199 at Lords was a cracking knock.  Only two of his test centuries have come in a winning side, and he never scores one without someone above him doing it too, which when you look at our opening pair, is proof enough that he’s no number 3.  Not mentally tough enough, ginger, weird snarl thing when concentrating.  Fuck it, he’ s convinced me to proper hulk smash him!

Paul Collingwood

Partially redeemed himself with his last two knocks, but gets the full HULK SMASH with extra cheese.  Send him to the glue factory.  Not good enough, and we need to bed in a young buck.  I reckon Adil Rashid or Ravi Bopara should get the nod.  Both are excellent fielders, both are decent bowlers and they ain’t too shabby with the bat either.

Andrew Flintoff

I will never hulk smash big lad.  I love him, his passion, his lovely wife, his pace, even his woeful foot movement.  He can do no wrong.

Tim Ambrose

Fucking hell, I’ve got a family sized can of whupass just for this little shit for brains.  This is the worst hulksmashing you’ve ever seen, cars being tossed, huge holes in the ground, and little wanky wicky dying a slow, painful death!  Fuck off now.  Read and Foster are far superior with the gloves and a bit better with the bat, and Prior is miles better with the bat.

Stuart Broad

He’s big, he’s bad, he’s better than his dad.  Or at least we hope he is.  Bats lovely, bowls OK.  Got better as the summer went on, but is no Simon Jones. First change bowlers need to take wickets, and constantly apply pressure, and he’s not doing that yet…  I have resisted hulk smashing, but reserve the right to do so at a later date!

Ryan Sidebottom

Not good enough, but still miles better than most of our bowlers.  Back problems meant he was farily innocuous towards the end of summer.  Should have been dropped earlier for health reasons.

Stephen J Harmison

Still gets the hulk smash I’m afraid.  As Duncan Fletcher said, you’ve got to take wickets in your first spell (he was unlucky, with eyeliners drop but…).   His strike-rate was over 60, which when compared to Dale Steyn, South Africa’s premier quick, is nearly twice as bad.  Hulk Smashed until his brain works properly and he can continuously hulk smash batsmen himself!

James Anderson

The wee man has done me proud this summer.  Good consistent bowling, excellent fielding, and some decent lower order batting to boot.  This is the first time in years that I actually don’t want to hurt him, which is nice.  Cuddles all round.

Monty Panesar

SMASH!  Fuck off Monty until you learn to bowl an arm ball or a doosra.  Not good enough and India will dismantle him again this winter, followed by ‘Straya spanking his arse all next summer.   I will be a little easy on him, in that The England don’t have a specialist spin bowling coach, so he pretty much has to do it on his own.   All I want from you is some effort, as The Broken Family Band once sang.  Learn to bowl another delivery, keep trying to learn to bat, and get a little confidence man, you’re a Sikh Warrior, recall your ancestors triumphs, bring forth the rage your fellow Sikhs felt after Operation Blue Star.  Something, anything, you fucking boring twat!

Check back soon for a six word review of both sides!

I’m a gonna hulk smash.

Morning all.  I trust you are all well?  No, ah, you’re either a The England or a The Sri Lanka fan this morning.  Shit eh?  At least you Sirils have got a hulk smashing win to fall back on, we’ve got sweet fuck all to be happy about here.

The England were shit yesterday, as we were last week, and the week before that.

The England’s selections for yesterday were shit.  Colly, much as I love him, is pure shit at the minute, and should be sent to the glue factory.  Cook and Bell can’t convert, Pietersen can’t stop trying to smash everything through midwicket, even when the ball appears to be moving away from him.  And Vaughan, well fuck Vaughan, the silly cunt.  He can’t score a run for love nor money, and that surprises me!   If there’s one thing that motivates Vaughany it’s money, the rich twat.

But enough analysis (hard hitting journalism again), what I came here to say was this…

Stop praying for clouds you stupid pricks.  Fucking Eyeliner Model himself saying “ooh if there’s clouds, it’ll favour our bowlers, and we might get back into this game”.  They said that during the last test, and we were spanked like naughty public school boys.  There was no cloud for The Saffers, so go about your business expecting a flat pitch, which it is, and put the ball in the right areas, like they did, and stop praying to the cloud god, you fucking baboons.

I’ve finally got myself a job, i’m sure you’ll be pleased to hear.  It’s in Brussels, Belgium.  I’d heard they were suffering a distinct lack of rage, so I thought I’d come visit them, and share mine about.  Hopefully I’ll be able to get into a scrap with Jean Claude Van Damme while I’m there, and show him some moves.

What this means to you dear reader (notice the singular, as you lot are fickle bastards, write nothing for a week, and you search for your rage elsewhere), is that I shall be back on the horse.  Whether I can actually watch any cricket remains to be seen, but I will write about what I read, at least.

Now fuck off back to what you were doing.

You god bothering twat.
July 18, 2008, 12:11 pm
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Billy Bowden is a knob head.

Cook was about six inches away from that ball that hit his thigh pad.

I’m fucking livid about that.  I feel like smashing his nerdy, invisible friend loving face in.  The freak.

Test matches aren’t about you, you talentless halfwit.  It’s about the 22 talented fellas, who rely on their skill, unlike you, you fucking show pony.


Bollocks, now Vaughan’s out again.  MV is Steyn’s bunny.

Recycled post. I seem to have to recycle this every test series!


Fuck me, not again Vaughany, you retard.

He looks good when missing the ball, at least. No ugly hoicks across the line for this fella, no siree.