Filed under: Cricket | Tags: AB De Villiers, Alastair Cook, Andrew Strauss, Ashwell Prince, Dale Steyn, England, Greame Smith, hashim Amla, Ian Bell, Jacques Kallis, james anderson, Kevin Pieterson, Makhaya Ntini, Mark Boucher, Michael Vaughan, Monty Panesar, Morne Morkel, Neil Mackenzie, paul collingwood, Paul Harris, Ryan Sidebottom, South Africa, stuart broad, Tim Ambrose
As a hardhitting journalist, with a vast array of cricket knowledge, I’ve decided to do a real piece of hardhitting journalism.
By hardhitting journalism, I mean, me talking shit about a weird dream I had the other night. It basically involved a cricketer of some repute following me around for eternity, performing his best shot, everytime I needed a pick me up. So I shall expand on that weird night, and add what I would have all of the The England and South African team doing if each of them had to stick by my side.
1 Alastair Cook
This young buck will apply eyeliner to me or my friends whenever required. He’s obviously very adept at this. See here for more.
2 Andrew Strauss
He will wear a biggles outfit during the day, with the flappy scarf and things, entertaining my republican army. When required posh lad will dress up in full evening suit, and smoke cigarettes through an antique cigarette holder, whilst supplying me with the finest brandies, wines and champagnes. It will be a suave double team, and a bally good show.
3 Michael Vaughan (capt)
Mr Vaughan is bound for life to perform a classy cover drive when I need him to, and to miss a straight one when I need a laugh. Good times.
4 Kevin Pietersen
KP is required to watch while I make love to his wife for all of eternity. See Morne Morkel’s details for added extras to this scenario. Strauss will also be in the corner, pouring my drinks and keeping me in cigarettes for the night!
5 Ian Bell
This little fuckstick is to throw roses at my feet until the end of time. Just like those lovely ladies in Coming to America.
6 Paul Collingwood
Is to forever follow me, as leader of Suave’s ageing ginger all-rounder army. He will protect me from abybody silly enough to attack our beloved and benevolent Suave leader.
7 Tim Ambrose (wk)
Wanky wicky is to stay behind me at all times in case I drop anything. I lose on average about £30 a month, dropping money out of my pockets. Little wanky wicky will stop all that, and give ole Suave another lunchtime on the pop a month. Well done that boy.
8 Stuart Broad
Young broadywoady pudding and pie, is to spend the rest of his days making sure Suave’s hair is in a perfectly coiffured state. This bucl already spends so much time on his own hair, I’m sure he’ll service mine beautifully.
9 Ryan Sidebottom
Mr Sidebottom will accompany Suave to every gig he goes to in futues, and will supply the hair when I cut mine off. Whenever I cut my hair short, the thing I hate most about gigs, is not being able to shake the hair. Ryan will provide this service.
10 Monty Panesar
Any and every time Suave performs something of note, of excellence (as you can imagine this would be an extremely busy job for the montster), he will high five me in his inimitable way. Wahey Monty!
11 James Anderson
Will be permanently by my side, until I’ve learnt what makes him the quick, snplayable bastard he can be. Once I’ve learnt that, I will train him to do that EVERY time he plays.
1 Graeme Smith (capt)
Bear like left hander, will spend time immortal licking the shit off my shoe, every time I inadvertently tread in some bastard dogs do doo.
2 Neil McKenzie
Old mentalist is to be by my side to ensure that my madness pales in to insignificance next to his, the crazy arsed fucker. I have a reasonably small version of OCD. So Mackenzie would make me look normal.
3 Hashim Amla
Amla is to join me on every flight with a budget airline I ever take from now on. He will sit by the window, I will sit on the aisle seat, guarenteeing that no fat, smelly people sit in the middle, and I can stretch out to my hearts content, or until people stop worrying that bearded muslims are going to blow up any and every motherfucking that moves.
4 Jacques Kallis
This boring twat is to break down an innnings of his, every time I suffer from insomnia, so that Suave can keep his beauty sleep to the necessary 8 hours. Instant karma, Suave is still beautiful. I win.
5 Ashwell Prince
Ashwell is to do a similar job to JK but for afternoon naps. He will come out to bat, and instantly send me into a lovely deep afternoon snooze.
6 AB de Villiers
Vehement letter C denier, will be my golf partner, if I ever take up the stupid, boring, fucking aimless game. As a scratch golfer, he’ll be able to cover up my inadequecies and ensure that Suave still looks Suave in plus fours.
7 Mark Boucher (wk)
This wicket keeper is to stand behind any of my annoying colleagues constantly chirping in their ears, whenever the fuckers start telling me about their love of computer games, porn or cars. Boucher will chirp away at them, telling them what useless lives they have, and that they should remove their gene pool from society.
8 Morne Morkel
Supervillain is required to laugh maniacally whenever I get the rage, and anything Evil is about to happen. Which as most of you lot have realised, is quite regularly. Get that larynx working you big fucker!
9 Paul Harris
It’s getting a struggle now, fuck me. Paul Harris appears to have no talents at all, so I’m going to stick him behind my private bar, to serve me drinks for the rest of time. Most of my local pubs now have saffers behind the ramp, and they work hard, so that’s it for this left arm tweaker.
10 Dale Steyn
To bowl fiery full, swinging deliveries into the legs of anyone getting in my way whilst walking. Suave is a very quick walker, and hates slow people getting in his way. Utilising his pace, will clear the way for me to get where i’m going in good time
11 Makhaya Ntini.
What can I get the convicted rapist to do, for ole suavey wauvey? I don’t need any rape in my life thank you very much. As Ntini likes to run from the ground to his hotel after tests, I will use him in emergency traffic situations, if I happen to get stuck in traffic anywhere, Ntini is to turn up and piggy back me to my destination.
I’m spent now, business hours are over! It’s business, it’s business time!
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Brian Lara, Cricket, hashim Amla, india, Neil Mackenzie, South Africa, suave, Virender Sehwag
“I say, capital innings, what?”
That phrase comes from Samir Chopra at Eye On Cricket.
It was a cracking innings, but it was played on a road. Fancy being a bowler in the subcontinent? Where innings regularly hit 500? No thank you very much….
Viru did very well, but he should have gone on to break Lara’s record. On that track Lara would have scored a eleventymillion runs. And that’s a fact!
What else happened this weekend? Nothing really, Amla scored more runs, Neil Mackenzie too. The result was utterly predictable, with a scoreboredraw thing.
Can’t we get groundsman (or as you wacky southern hemisphere types like to say, curators) to create pitches that do a bit for both?
Please for the love of god, no-one wants to see eleventythousand runs in a game, with no chances.. We need the bowlers involved too.
Fuckignwankyrunlovinggroundsmannobheads.
Suave has now moved into Suave Mansion II, and has just employed a team of Manilla tailors, to look after the Suave wardrobe.
So that’s nice.
In other cricket news, err there isn’t any.
I haven’t seen any cricket, and I don’t get Sky til the 12th April, so won’t be able to watch any.
Never fear though, I shall plagiarise others work, and pass it off as my own, in the meantime.
Only kidding,
No i’m not.
No I am.
Ha ha, had you there for a minute didn’t I?!
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: AB De Villiers, Anil Kumble, Ashwell Prince, Cricket, Dale Steyn, Greame Smith, Harbhajan Singh, hashim Amla, india, Jacques Kallis, Makhaya Ntini, Mark Boucher, Morne Morkel, MS Dhoni, Neil Mackenzie, Paul Harris, Rahul Dravid, RP Singh, Sachin tendulkar, Six Word Reviews, Sourav Ganguly, South Africa, Sree Sreesanth, Virender Sehwag, VVS Laxman, Wasim Jaffer
As yesterdays six word review of The England & New Zealand went down so well, I shall continue..
Today, I enter the realms of the subcontinent to poetically describe the Indians and South Africans.
South Africa
Greame Smith: Bear like opener, flat track bully
Neil Mackenzie: Shitting old fella, good on roads.
Hashim Amla: Bearded wonder Jrod hates to watch.
Jacques Kallis: Think of him having sex, disgusting!
Ashwell Prince: Boring c*nt, IPL didn’t want him.
A B De Villiers: God botherer, lives with evil Morkels.
Mark Boucher: Best keeper in world cricket? Maybe..
Morne Morkel: Sounds like a super villain, evil.
Paul Harris: Like Tufnell, marginally better with bat
Dale Steyn: Quick, makes bangladesh cry for mummy
Makhaya Ntini: Definitely not a rapist, no siree.
India
Virender Sehwag: Batshit batsman, smashes quicks for fun
Wasim Jaffer: Done by a jaffer, not again!!
Rahul Dravid: The Wall, like watching paint dry.
Sachin Tendulkar: Little Master likes Aussie attacks. Genius.
Sourav Ganguly: Lord Snooty. Up his own arse.
VVS Laxman: Graceful, batters aussies, everyone loves that!
Mahendra Singh Dhoni: Swashbuckling keeper, likes young lads, oooh!
Anil Kumble: Former official god, doesn’t turn it.
Harbhajan Singh: Mouthy twat, should concentrate on bowling!!
RP Singh: Suave looking, swings it both ways.
Sree Sreesanth: Mentalist, proper fucking loony. Bowl, Idiot!
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Cricket, Greame Smith, Harbajhan Singh, Jason Gillespie, Lou Vincent, Neil Mackenzie, paul collingwood, Ryan Sidebottom, Shane Bond
Je suis retourné.
There has been a fair bit to talk about over the weekend.
Much that has been covered by my peers..
Jason “Dizzy” Gillespie has retired from Australian cricket.
By retired, I mean forced out.
The ICL is evil, as we all know now. Any player who signs up, is the Anti-Christ, and deserves to burn in the fiery depths of hell.
Dizzy will have an eternity being smashed all around the ground, by the worst batsmen in history. (reminds me of 2005)
Shane Bond will break down injured, and have to continue bowling for ever and ever. Never getting any one out, and continually getting more and more fucked up.
Lou Vincent, will find the true meaning of depression, when the devil spends eternity depressing his big size 10 into Vincent’s knackers.
Two rotten fuckers from Safferland, have broken the world record for highest opening partnership.
They did it by smashing small boys into a pulp, for kicks.
India beat Australia, in the first final of the second most tedious CB series in history (The England winning last year, was a million times worse).
Harbajhan Singh has been accused of molesting every Australian in history’s mother, and on mothering sunday too. The bastard.
It’s also been claimed that he’s impregnated every Australian woman, thereby cuckolding all ‘Strayan men.
This is making the ‘Strayan public at large, relatively unhappy.
Ryan Sidebottom & Paul Collingwood have both been declared fit, ahead of the 1st Test vs New Zealand.
A nice piece from my good friend SportsFreak, discusses the merits of both teams.
An update of my own will be coming shortly.