Suave's Republique Cricket

Best ODI All-rounder? Really?!
Fuck off, he's not that good.

Fuck off, he's not that good.

Shakib Al Hasan is now top of the ICC’s ODI All-rounders list, ahead of Jacques Kallis, Andrew Flintoff and Jacob Oram.

Now, don’t get me wrong, the boy’s got talent, but top?  fuck right off.

If you had to pick a guy to rescue an innings against top quality opposition, who would you pick?

If you had to choose a bowler to go for next to no runs on all wickets?

Someone to scare the bejeesus out of middle order batsman?

It ain’t fucking Shakib, I can tell you that much.

Come on now, we all know the ICC rankings are shit, but this takes the piss.

Six word analysis of England – New Zealand test series.

Being a dictator of your own republic, I get to make the rulez.

Six word reviews, for everyone that played more than two tests in the series.  I can’t be bothered with all these shit heads that played one test.

The England

Alastair Cook: Stupid eyeliner wearing dickhead, fucking rubbish.

Andrew Strauss: Wants to play NZ every week!

Michael Vaughan: Looks great at getting himself out

Kevin Pietersen: Scratches around until last game again!

Ian bell: fucking ginger twat.  Suave HULK SMASH!

Paul Collingwood: Time to be put to pasture?

Tim Ambrose: good with gloves, rubbish with bat

Stuart Broad: Too many pies, bats lovely though..

Ryan Sidebottom: Not great, but averaged 20. Bizarre.

Jimmy Anderson: Good, shit, good. Superb in Nottingham

Monty Panesar: One-spell series, superb oop north.

The Old Zealand

Aaron Redmond: Dear lord, this lad is SHIT!

Jamie How: Solid, dependable, not really that good.

Brendan McCullum: Not three, too mental for that.

Ross Taylor: Looks a lovely player. CALM DOWN!

Daniel Flynn: not bad, suspect to short ball.

Jacob Oram: Miserly with ball, 231 runs, somehow

Daniel Vettori: smacked around as skipper, bowled alright

Kyle Mills: good no 8 batsman, bowling rubbish.

Ian O’Brien:  Scares small children, he’s that ugly.

Chris Martin: Bowled cack, Batting is really cack

James Marshall:  Shitter than his brother.  Super shit?

What drove stephen fleming to become a gay?

Maybe it was seeing McGrath in those pantaloons?

I wish I knew, random visitor, I wish I knew..

It could be that he saw Glenn McGrath in those shiny pantaloons.

Maybe it’s the animal attraction of Daniel Vettori (Miriam would switch allegiances for him).

Or the lust created by being near The Perfect Boyfriend

Alternatively, it could be the fact that he gets to play with Scott Styris.

Any one of these, is sure to test the average heterosexual..

Third Test Preview

Oh dear! At the risk of getting some serious abuse in five days time, The England will win this test match, and the series.

New Zealand have lost their two best bowlers from this series, in Jacob Oram and Kyle Mills.

They’ve replaced them with Grant Elliot a dirty saffer, all-rounder. His first class form looks OK, with an average of 28 with the bat, and 34 with the ball. I don’t think he’s going to trouble The England too much, but I’ve never seen the man play.

Mills is replaced by young buck Tim Southee, for a proper piece of journalism about this fella pop over to Cricket With Balls. When I say proper journalism, I mean Ice cream of consciousness blogging. But what blogging!!

He looks as though he could be someone to look out for, after being voted player of the tournament at the recent u19 world cup, but he’s no Shane Bond.

Jeetan Patel comes in for Angry Man Gillespie, which should bog The England’s middle order down no end. We really need to start scoring at a better rate against him and Vettori. It’s said that The England struggle playing spin, but the county championship is full of left arm orthodox and off spinners. It’s a matter of rotating the strike. If you watch Clarke, Hussey and Ponting playing spin, they take lots of singles, and then smash the bad balls.

As for The England, it looks as though the team will remain unchanged, although their are small doubts about Collingwood and Anderson. Andersons ankle knack is still a bit sore, but he should be fit. Collingwood has bruised his calf muscle, but again, he should be fit to play.

Players to watch..

The England

Kevin Pietersen. KP since being married has turned into a full blown The Englishman, which means he has no luck, gets out in the 20’s and 30’s a lot, and never goes on to score big. He’s going to pummel an attack soon, and this attack really should be it.

Stuart Broad. Young stud had a great 2nd innings in Wellington, showing proper aggressive fast bowling. This is going to be a very different surface, but if you want to be one of the best bowlers in world cricket, you need to learn to take wickets on all kinds of pitches.

Kiwi Land

Tim Southee. He’s got a chance to get himself on to the team bus to The England, if he performs in this test. If he gets smashed, it could see him quickly back to first class cricket with no more cricket for a few months. We’re going to see the character of this young buck on show tonight.

Daniel Vettori. If it’s as slow as it was in Hamilton, Vettori’s going to be a proper handful. His batting has been superb recently, but his bowling figures are a fair bit below fellow left arm orthodox spinner Monty Panesar so far.

My prediction is for The England to win this test comfortably.

Ricky Schroder in “I’m not too shabby”, shocker.

Ricky Schroder, today showed that he certainly has more than one string to his bow!

I’ve taken a break from my successful acting career, to become a mean old quick!

Child star turned successful adult actor, is one thing, becoming an international quality bowler, who’s taken 36 wickets in 24 matches in ODI’s is another!

If only Macaulay Culkin had learned the art of fast bowling, instead of being enticed to fiddle with Michael Jacksons testicles!

The England have given themselves a chance in this series, thanks to a very good all-round performance.

Jimmy Anderson bowled pretty well today. (I reckon he’s been spurred on, by reading my scathing attacks on his recent form )

Dimi Danger Anus, did himself no favours, by bowling pies all day, and going wicketless again.. He’s actually making himself a case for 20/20 only.

Ian Bell, has avoided a certain hulk smashing, with a very nice knock today. He looked all set to go on for a big one, until the Pimp Ass Motherfucker decided to give him out LBW, from an inside edge.

I love the Rauf man, he’s cool. Today however, he had what can only be described as a “Bucknor”. Shit in almost every way. The one exception being his decision to give Pieterson out LBW. Bang on the money with that one, although the Saffer didn’t look happy.

Who comes next? Not silly colly fuckwad, but Paul Collingwood, Member of The Most Excellent Order of the British Empire, to put those pesky natives back in their place!

Admiral of The Fleet, Suave, has decided to leave the gunships where they are at the moment, but the Navy is on standby, in case we return to the “Shit in Pyjamas” days of yore.

Captain Collingwood, showed the mettle that earmarked him for a position in Suave’s Republican Army, with a terrific all-round display, taking 3/43 with his dibbly-dobbly’s, and a beautifully timed 70 from 50 balls, to win the third ODI, in this five match rubber.

Top stuff, old chap!

Suave salutes you.

New Zealand have two world class ODI players, and they showed it again today.

The Perfect Boyfriend Jacob Oram scored a cracking 88 from 91 balls, including 4 fours, and 4 sixes. His bowling wasn’t brilliant, but he still took 1-45.
Vettori with his ICC ODI Bowler of the year award.

Daniel Vettori had a near perfect day, and deserved better. There is a reason he’s the No1 ranked ODI bowler, and the 2-23 today, again proved his class. He also batted beautifully for 42 from 35 balls.

This should make the last two ODI’s very interesting!

Hit and Giggle… Huzzah for “The England”

Two 20-20’s in the space of three days, and The England prove to be a little too powerful for the Kiwi’s.

I am hot.  I am spicy.  I go particularly well with a nice steak!

Phil Mustard and Luke Wright got us off to a cracking start, putting on 60odd for the first wicket.

KP got done by a full toss, Ian Bell ran himself out, AGAIN.  If he continues to do this, I am going to HULK SMASH him…  Little ginger nobhead.

After a wobble, Colly and Ace got things back on track, with Dimi providing a little cameo at the end..

Without Oram or Vettori, our NZ cousins appear to be a little short on quality.

If they can get these two back for the ODI’s, then they may be OK, but if either of these is missing, I see The England winning the series.

Let’s not talk about the test series just yet….

I’ve a feeling that we may smash, in a Hulk kind of way.

I am a real American, Fight for the rights of every man!