Suave's Republique Cricket

Fake IPL Player
May 20, 2009, 4:23 am
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: , , , , , ,
I'm a whore for hits

I'm a whore for hits

I’m a whore.

So are you, but that’s not the point.

I’m a whore, and I want hits again.

I need them, because I’ve not done a fucking thing on here in months.

So I’m writing this shit, to get me some hits.

Who is the fAKE IpL Player?  Who cares.   Not fucking me.

I know who it is though, so that makes my caring or lack thereof, an easier burden to carry.

Do you know who it is?

No, you don’t.  That’s cos you’re all ugly and you smell, whereas I am Suave.

If you really want to know, you need to watch an IPL game, then look in the mirror, and repeat three times.

What am I watching this shower of shit for?

What am I watching this shower of shit for?

What am I watching this shower of shit for?

The answer will be revealed to you, by Lalit Modi himself.  He will be raping your anus at the time, which should be nice.

Have fun with that, eh kids.

While we’re at it, remember that fake IPL player has publicly stated that he will be releasing his name and retiring today..

Oooh, that’ll be exciting.

Jimmy Fucking Anderson
Fuck me the boy's got good!!

Please be good against the big boys Jimmy!

Somewhere along the lines, my thought process has changed.  Not necessarily for the better to be fair.

I used to hate Greame Smith, now I don’t mind him.

I spent many long hours wanting to smash Jimmy Anderson’s head in, now I don’t.

This is perturbing.

Alas, as we get older, we grow wiser.  Well some of us.  By us,  I mean you lot, not me, obviously, or Ian Botham, we’re both pickle brained fucknuts, but I digress.

I now believe we have a good opening bowler.

This is a man who has learnt to swing the ball both ways at pace.

That my friends, is fucking dangerous.

He averaged 29.84 for 2008, and is currently averaging 26.85 for 2009.   Pretty good figures them.

But, before Ceci jumps on me, for hypocrisy (I rather bagged him back in March over at the Lovely King Cricket).  Let’s look at his averages again.

Since 2006/7 Ashes.

Series Average Strike Rate
Aus v Eng



Eng v Ind



Eng v SL



NZ v Eng



Eng v NZ



Eng v SA



Ind v Eng



WI v Eng



Eng v WI












Still not good enough I’m afraid..

Compare his stats to Mitchell Johnson, or Dale Steyn, or Ishant Sharma, or Shane Bond, or Peter Siddle.  He doesn’t compare.

I want fast/swing bowling that actually smashes peoples jaws, stumps and batsman’s confidence.

Jimmy’s not there yet.  I hope he gets there, because it’ll be a blast seeing him uprooting off-stumps of Aussies this summer, but he’s yet to do anything significant against any of the top 5.

It’s all well and good smashing Kiwi’s & Windies players who don’t want to be here, but can you smash the Aussies or the Saffers (who we face this winter).

That’ll be the true test of his character.

So I’ll hold out on the Jimmy Anderson Wankfest until early 2010 if you don’t mind.

Happy ‘Straya Day!
January 26, 2009, 10:06 am
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: , , , , , , ,
You're shit and you know you are etc...

You're shit and you know you are etc...

This hasn’t been the best start to a summer for ‘Straya, has it boys and girls?

Beaten in India, beaten in the test series by South Africa, and now beaten in a home ODI series by the Saffers again (they haven’t won the major home ODI series for three years now!) .

This my friends is fucking fantastic.  The rest of the world are pointing at you, and laughing like Nelson.

This is how us mere mortals feel most of the time.

So where did it all go wrong?

To be honest every where.  The commentators on Channel 9, were discussing the Allan Border Medal, which is coming up soon, and were trying to think who could win the medal.

Michael Clarke and Mitchell Johnson were the only two names they could come up.  How often does that happen, when the most biased commentary team in world cricket, struggles to think of more than two players to win the awards.

They’ve got no spinner.  They’ve only got one quality quick, with a couple of emerging ones.  The top order has been terrible in both forms of the game.

If I was a selector, I’d have Ricky Ponting back to the ranks and pick someone who can actually captain a side, without having to have a management conference every three balls.

Not sure where I’m going with this, but it’s Monday morning and I’ve been up since 4.30am.


Albie Morkel in “I’m not too smart, me” shocker!
January 23, 2009, 2:10 pm
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: , , , , ,

Albie Morkel, whilst picking up the MOM award against South Africa, had this to say about booze addled bad boy Herschelle Gibbs..

“I’ll be buying him a drink tonight.”

That’s the ticket.  Just what  a guy who’s been sent on an alcohol rehabilitation course needs to hear.

So if you catch Hersch on the pop tonight, you know who to blame.

Now that is a proper tour!
January 23, 2009, 12:38 pm
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: , , ,

Thanks to a recent agreement between the ICC, South Africa and The England, tours between the two countries will now be played over five tests.

The schedule for The England’s winter tour to South Africa, is now 2 T20i’s, 4 ODI’s and five tests.   That my friends is a proper cricket tour.  If you’re listening STUPID INDIAN ADMINISTRACATS, no-one wants to play two tests and eleventy ODI’s.

Hugh Morris, England Cricket Managing Director, said: “We are grateful to colleagues and friends in South Africa who have worked with us to provide what we believe is an exciting and well balanced tour. It makes good sense to start with the ODIs given the schedule of cricket that we have in September, October and November 2009.

“The four Test matches are scheduled for iconic grounds of South Africa and I am sure that thousands of England supporters will be looking forward to spending their Christmas and New Year holidays following the team.”

We will have a lovely boxing day test too!  Top bombing.  Suave is now going to do all he can to be at that test.

If any South Africans out there would like to put up the Suavest Cricket Blogger in the world, then leave a comment.


Seems myself and an Indian cricket website can’t fucking read.

It’s four tests, five ODI’s, as Patrick Kidd rightly points out here..

Well that’s pissed on my parade, hasn’t it..

Cunts, the lot of em.

Best ODI All-rounder? Really?!
Fuck off, he's not that good.

Fuck off, he's not that good.

Shakib Al Hasan is now top of the ICC’s ODI All-rounders list, ahead of Jacques Kallis, Andrew Flintoff and Jacob Oram.

Now, don’t get me wrong, the boy’s got talent, but top?  fuck right off.

If you had to pick a guy to rescue an innings against top quality opposition, who would you pick?

If you had to choose a bowler to go for next to no runs on all wickets?

Someone to scare the bejeesus out of middle order batsman?

It ain’t fucking Shakib, I can tell you that much.

Come on now, we all know the ICC rankings are shit, but this takes the piss.

Albie there for you, when the rain starts to fall.

Ring a ding ding…

Albie Morkel, is a batting behemoth. He reminds me of Lance Klusener in his pomp. Bowls fast medium, and can absolutely belt the covers off the ball.

His 40 off 22 today, was the difference between the sides. South Africa cleverly waited until he got his eye in, then took the batting powerplay, and he went batshit. Admittedly he was helped by poor fielding from Australia (they are looking average in the field at the moment, dropping two catches in the first over of South Africa’s reply). This boy can really strike a ball, and the fact that he has a supervillain as a brother, probably helps. I imagine it would give you that extra confidence one requires, to beat all and sundry.

South Africa now take a 2-1 lead in the series, and it’s turning out to be a cracker.

In other news, The England arrived safely in the West Indies, after pissing off a plane load of tourists, by diverting the flight. They did hand out The England cufflinks to those that were upset by the delay, which is nice.

I’m expecting the england to draw the series. We will not be able to bowl out Grand Lord Megachief of Gold, so it’ll be another year of averaging over 100 for Shiv.

For the sehwagology members amongst us (that should be all of you, by the way, if I find out any of you are non-believers, it’lll be the Suavish Inquisition), our Lord hath spoken..

More to come shortly..