Suave's Republique Cricket

De Nederlanders slaan de Engelsen
Where's Dirty Dirk?!

De Nederlanders celebrate a famous victory over The England.

What the fuck happened there?!

Destiny, my friends, that’s what.

After mastering total football in the 70’s under Johan Cruyff, de Nederlanders have now decided to do the same in 20/20 cricket.

Watch out boys and girls, they were unstoppable  (except by Ze Germans) at football during that time, and are bound to do the same to all and sundry in this 20/20 World Cup (luckily Ze Germans are not here).  Never before has there been such a sublime display of a cricket, from a side wearing oranje.

Dirty Dirk bowled well, without any real penetration.

It was left to a couple of old blacksmiths to cause the damage.  Darron Reekers who started off in big bludgeoning style, followed up by Tom De Grooth, who smashed The England all over Lords.   Jrod loved it so much he almost threw up!

My man Ryan Ten Doeschate even got in on the act, a cracking allround display, with a red inker and taking the wickets of Ravi Bopara & Luke Wright.

The England have two young stars at the top of their order, and the rest are a bunch of cunts.   Even Rob Key, the fat knacker.

The bowling, beyond the opening pair was shithouse.   Rashid looked good against the West Indies, but was goes for too many runs.  He reminds me of Stuart MacGill, long hops, full tosses and the odd unplayable delivery.  No fucking good at 20/20, I’m afraid (and surely the fact that he doesn’t get in Yorkshire’s side, should have given them some idea, no?).

Stuart Broad couldn’t hit six stumps, the useless Ricky Schroder lookalike fucktrog.

I’m happy to lose to the Dutch though, because it might make this bunch of fuckfaced De Engelsen players actually learn to play proper 20/20 cricket.   Hardly any of them actually play it,  they’re learning the game in T20i’s.

Here’s to getting spanked by Pakistan on Sunday, and being out of the competition within 3 days!  Good times, my friends!

The Village Cricketer predicts 1-0 ‘Pomme-wash’

The Village Cricketer’s English All Stars v Cricket with Balls Aussie Code of Conduct XI
Monday 29th June 2009, 3.30pm start
Barnes Cricket Club, Lonsdale Road, London SW13 9QL

England, 5th June 2009: The Village Cricketer today announced the line up of English All Stars for the pre-Ashes charity cricket match in aid of the Everyman Male Cancer Campaign, and issued a stark warning to the descendents of convicts and colonists that will be turning out for the Cricket with Balls Aussie Code of Conduct XI, turn up and lose!

On Monday 29th June 2009, the great and good of the English and Australian online cricket worlds will gather at Barnes CC, London, for a charity cricket match held to raise awareness of and funds for the Everyman male cancer campaign, part of the Institute of Cancer Research. The match is played as part of Everyman’s Male Cancer Awareness Month.

The Village Cricketer confidently predicts that his side – The Village Cricketer’s English All Stars – will win the best of one series 1 – 0.

“The English All Stars is a team of hugely talented, exciting and above all modest Englishmen. It is very simple, with this side we cannot lose,” said The Village Cricketer. “The Aussie Code of Conduct XI will be jetlagged or hungover. We are going to deliver a Pomme-wash to the travelling Canary Yellows, delivering a trouncing that will help the England side proper carry momentum into the Ashes.”

The Village Cricketer’s English All-Stars XI:

The Village Cricketer
Ed Craig, The Wisden Cricketer
Suave of Suave’s Republique Cricket
Phil Johnson, Freelance cricket writer
Patrick Kidd, The Times
Nigel Henderson, Legendary cricket writer
Andrew Miller, Cricinfo
Sam Stow, All Out Cricket
Simon Jones (look-a-like)
Steven Croft (play-a-like)
Alan Mullally (leftarm-a-like)

To make a donation in support of this event please visit the Justgiving page.

Cricket With Balls, the book.
May 21, 2009, 3:35 am
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: , , , ,

It's a book of stuff you've already seen!!

J Rod is whoring his book.  As I love him, I am going to whore for him too.

The Year Of The Balls 2008: a cricket disrespective.   When you get paid, rush over there, buy as many as you can afford, then burn them all.   He’s a fucking devil that fella, and we won’t have his sort round here.

I’ve read it, it’s good.  I’m in it somewhere, which was also good.

The Cricket Blogger Ashes.
January 27, 2009, 2:22 pm
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: , , , , ,

One and all, go here and donate all of your pennies immediately.  On pain of a Suave smash to those that don’t.

Basically, The Village Cricketer has challenged Jrod to a bloggers Ashes.  Aussie bloggers Vs The English.  It’ll be played at Monday 29th June 2009, 3pm start, Barnes Cricket Club, Lonsdale Road, London SW13 9QL

I’m trying to get myself into this side (who wouldn’t want me to be honest?!  A middle order slogger, lazy fielder, rubbish tweaker, I’m like a The English David Hussey!), so I’ve donated, and I’m know trying to raise awareness too.

It’s all in aid of The Everyman cancer charity, which will help to protect your balls in later life.

Get donating children.

Join us, and we shall take over the world!
December 18, 2008, 12:57 pm
Filed under: Cricket, Misdirection | Tags: , , ,

You will worship his slashing blade!

Church Sign Generator

Thou Shalt Stand & Deliver

Poor auld Nice Bryce!

More news from our Indian correspondant Jamish Singh Dorma, regarding Nice Bryce.

As reported here exclusively yesterday, Nice Bryce has given himself shoulder knack by pulling too hard on the hand rail to get to the top of those bloody stairs.

He has been replaced by a young off-spinner by the name of Jason Krejza.   Luckily he has young bones that aren’t knacked by big climbs, so will be in the spinners berth come the first test.

Nice Bryce now has to convince the selectors, who arrive on the second day of the first test, that he is fit enough to remain in India.  If he can’t prove his fitness a replacement will be sent for.

Maybe it’ll be someone with their own hip?  Who knows..

Jamish posed a couple of questions to Nice Bryce, and an edited transcript appears below…

Jamish:  So Nice Bryce, how are you feeling?

Nice Bryce:  What do you think you flaming gallah, I’m miserable as sin.  It’s only a year since I had the accident with the bath, and needed a hip replacement (luckily Victoria arranged for one of those bath seats, so that shouldn’t happen again), now i’ve got shoulder knack. 

Jamish:  Sorry to hear that NB, any tips for the young offie Jason Krezja?

Nice Bryce:  Yeah, watch your back sunshine, we wouldn’t want anything untoward to happen during the rest of the tour now would we?!!!  HAAA HAAA HAAA MWAHHHAHHAA MWAAHHHAAAAHHHAAAA

The rest of the tape is Nice Bryce laughing maniacally, and howling to the moon.

So, you heard it here first.  Is Nice Bryce working hard to remove the Nice tag, we shall have to wait and see…

Geoff Miller has shit in his eyes!!

The touring squad for India has just been picked, and there are no major surprises anywhere.  Which is all a bit tedious if you ask me.

The three main areas of contention were..

The replacement for Mickey V, him of the central contract and the straight ball issue.

The choices.

Owais Shah

Ravi Bopara

The place has gone to Ace, as he’s an exceptional player of spin, and had a handy performance in India back in the winter of 2005, I’ve no problem with this one, as he’s shown class for The England whenever he’s played of late, and Rav The Chav has been smashing mediocre Division Two bowlers around all season.  I mean fucking hell, Tony Frost, some brummy landscape gardener, with myopia, averaged 80 in division two this year.

Second we had the wanky wicky conundrum.

Matt Prior and Tim Ambrose had increment contracts, which is like a temp version of a central contract, so were the obvious choices for the selectors.

Prior Deserved it, Ambrose didn’t.  The man is shit.  Can’t catch and can’t bat at international level.  IT should have gone to Essex Wonder Wicky, James Foster.  He’s the best wicket keeper in the country by a long shot, and his batting is reliable, and solid.  And to rub salt in to the wounds he doesn’t even get a shout with the development squad.  If I was James Foster, I’d be talking to a few geezers in dark corners of Essex boozers about where the selection panel live.  Know what I mean son?  A nod is as good as a wink to a blind man.

Then we get two them troublesome spinners.

The choices were Monty Panesar, Greame Swann and Adil Rashid.

They’ve picked The Sikh of Tweak, and gobby bloke.

Young Buck don’t even get a sniff, which is shit.

He’s the highest wicket taker out of any spinner in the country.  He’s taken 62 wickets at 30, and is a better batsman the Swanny, and has proven runs for The England Hedgehogs out in India too.

Jrod over at the peerless Cricket with Balls, had this to say…

He seems to have been chosen under the Ashley Giles selection policy.

“Sure he doesn’t take many wickets, but he can bat a bit, and everyone likes him, so lets take him along. “

The fact that Ashley Giles is on the selection committee probably had a lot to do with that!

Arsebiscuits to the lot of em..

Rashid is a better option, and he needs to be tested against quality opposition, to see where he really is.  Being sent on The Hedgehog tour again, is like sending him back to do the same year at school, like the big retarded kid with the sideburns who smashes kids up for their lunch money.

They sent him away to improve his bowling last winter and he took more wickets than any other spinner in English cricket.  What more do they need?

Some will say he’s too young, but he’s the same age as Murali was when he made his debut, and he was nowt special til he developed his doosra. 

And off spinners are shit heads, FACT.