Suave's Republique Cricket


Happy ‘Straya Day!
January 26, 2009, 10:06 am
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: , , , , , , ,
You're shit and you know you are etc...

You're shit and you know you are etc...

This hasn’t been the best start to a summer for ‘Straya, has it boys and girls?

Beaten in India, beaten in the test series by South Africa, and now beaten in a home ODI series by the Saffers again (they haven’t won the major home ODI series for three years now!) .

This my friends is fucking fantastic.  The rest of the world are pointing at you, and laughing like Nelson.

This is how us mere mortals feel most of the time.

So where did it all go wrong?

To be honest every where.  The commentators on Channel 9, were discussing the Allan Border Medal, which is coming up soon, and were trying to think who could win the medal.

Michael Clarke and Mitchell Johnson were the only two names they could come up.  How often does that happen, when the most biased commentary team in world cricket, struggles to think of more than two players to win the awards.

They’ve got no spinner.  They’ve only got one quality quick, with a couple of emerging ones.  The top order has been terrible in both forms of the game.

If I was a selector, I’d have Ricky Ponting back to the ranks and pick someone who can actually captain a side, without having to have a management conference every three balls.

Not sure where I’m going with this, but it’s Monday morning and I’ve been up since 4.30am.

WE LAUGH AT LOUD YOU!



Straya are shit!
Strayan conquerers!

Strayan conquerers!

It’s official.  Australia are now only average as a cricketing side..  They’ve had their pants pulled down and been spanked by an abusive father.  It hurts kids, but get used to it!   This is what being a The England fan is all about!

The reasons for their collapse are many.  They lost two champions in McGrath & Warne, and any side would struggle after losing them.  They also seem to be moving into the old The England selection mentality, by chopping and changing players in the same way Zsa Zsa Gabor changes husbands.

Here is my in-depth, hard-hitting, journalistic reasoning for the current series loss.

Hayden is old and fucking stupid, so deserves to burn in the fiery depths of hell.

Katich should probably be captain, and remember to stop chasing really wide ones.

Punter needs to concentrate on his batting, it’s the only thing the boy does well.   He’s a fucking useless captain.

Hussey should be replaced by his brother, until he remembers how to score runs.

Pup Clarke to move up the order, and stick as vice captain.

Andrew Symonds is a prize cock and needs to fuck off and get fit, both physically and mentally.

Brad Haddin, one thinks, should have a long look at himself, and realise it’s not Adam Gilchrist in the reflection.  Stop it you fucking cud chewing cowcock.

Brett Lee.  Shoot the damn dog.  Shit, shit, shit.

Mitchell Johnson is their only decent bowler at present, and needs to be left as a shock not stock bowler.

Nathan Hauritz is not good enough to trouble the North Midd 4th XI, so why he’s playing for the “Number One” side in the world, I’ll never know?!

Peter Sizzle wants to spend a season playing first class cricket for Victoria.  Has real potential, but no way near enough experience..

Their is a bleak outlook for Australia for the near future.  I predict a three nil drubbing at home, and am pretty confident, that they’ll win fuck all in South Africa.   Not the best preperation for an ashes tour.

Check back later for my appraisal of the South Africa side, and Suave’s Suavest 2008 XI.

UPDATE!

After reading mediawatch, the daily news column of Football365.com, I found something to delight me further, even though I feel like dog turd.

Australia: Their Year In Sport
Rugby Union: Beaten in September’s Tri-Nations final.

Rugby League: Beaten by New Zealand in September’s World Cup final – a shock result described as the ‘most significant upset in the history of international rugby league’.

Cricket: Beaten in India and then on home soil by South Africa – their first series defeat in Austraila for 16 years.

Olympics: Even beaten by Great Britain.
It’s gone well then!



New Zealand – Still Shit!

Iain O’Brien in his blog yesterday said, There is a quote that goes, “you are sure of three things in life, taxes, death and runs at Adelaide.” Yet New Zealand made 203 all out, and Brendan McCullum scored 83no of those runs.

What the fuck were the rest of the team doing?  This is a pitch that Michael Clarke scored a century on, without one of his higher order players scoring a century before him, which is so rare, it’s like a blue moon, and a pitch that Brad Haddin scores a century on?  Rubbish, absolute shite.

I’ve read in a few pieces today, that Jamie How was unlucky, as Punter pulled off an absolute blinder to remove him, but that’s bollocks,  if he middled it, it wouldn’t have been caught, know what I mean friend!

That sort of wisdom is what makes me such a cricketing superpower.

Also, Brett Lee took five wickets, and at the moment you’ve got to be absolute cocking shit for that halfwit to take ONE wicket, let alone five!

So I reckon we’ll be seeing the Kiwis back at the bottom of the original test match team league after that shocker.

We now have the exciting prospect of a proper bit of competition, with South Africa due to play the first test against Australia on the 17th December.  Now that will be a test…

In summary, Australia look ordinary, New Zealand look shit.



Australia v West Indies, 2nd Test review.

Indepth Player analysis.

Australia

Phil Jacques.  OMG he;s like so shit in the field and like had to hide from some other blokes shit long hops all match, and thing.

Simon Katich.  he looks like a crab and things, and he got hurt and stuff.

Ricky Ponting.  LOL, where’s that hair from, looks like he picked it up off the road and stuff. ROFL

Michael Clarke.  He’s so fit and that.

Mike Hussey.  God all I did was sleep when i saw this old bloke.  He’s like so boring and that.  Fuckoff grand dad

Andrew Symonds.  He looks like predator LMAO.  He’s scary like a bear

Brad Haddin.  ROFL, looks a bit like some ovvver bloke that used to bend down and things.

Brett Lee.  Gay, wants to design pants for teenage boys, ROFL.  Call the coPS

Mitchell Johnson.  big teeth xxxLMAOxxx Shit.

Stuart Clark.  BORIng.  Sent ME TO sleep and shit, and all that other stuff

West Indies

Xavier Marshall.  OMG looks nice, and fly.  Shoots to soon.

Devon Smith.  UGLY! Fuckoff uglyboy.

Ramnaresh Sarwan.  He’s like cute and thing, gets a bit crazy but goes all the way LOL xxx.x.xx

Runako Morton.  You gonna get raped.  OMG HE@S SHITa and scary N that,

Shivnarine “Lord Megachief Of Gold” Chanderpaul.  he looks like that strayan bloke, but is millions better and things

Dwayne Bravo.  all blinged up and no place to go, ROFL.

Denesh Ramdin.  Cute, Shit, but Cute.

Darren Sammy.  OMG he could be good, but isn’t really and stuff

Jerome Taylor.  Good, bad and ugly LMAOxxx ROFL<

Daren Powell.  Shit

Fidel Edwards. You never guess WHAT, he’s like really quick and stuff, but he misses too much LOL



Third Test Preview

Oh dear! At the risk of getting some serious abuse in five days time, The England will win this test match, and the series.

New Zealand have lost their two best bowlers from this series, in Jacob Oram and Kyle Mills.

They’ve replaced them with Grant Elliot a dirty saffer, all-rounder. His first class form looks OK, with an average of 28 with the bat, and 34 with the ball. I don’t think he’s going to trouble The England too much, but I’ve never seen the man play.

Mills is replaced by young buck Tim Southee, for a proper piece of journalism about this fella pop over to Cricket With Balls. When I say proper journalism, I mean Ice cream of consciousness blogging. But what blogging!!

He looks as though he could be someone to look out for, after being voted player of the tournament at the recent u19 world cup, but he’s no Shane Bond.

Jeetan Patel comes in for Angry Man Gillespie, which should bog The England’s middle order down no end. We really need to start scoring at a better rate against him and Vettori. It’s said that The England struggle playing spin, but the county championship is full of left arm orthodox and off spinners. It’s a matter of rotating the strike. If you watch Clarke, Hussey and Ponting playing spin, they take lots of singles, and then smash the bad balls.

As for The England, it looks as though the team will remain unchanged, although their are small doubts about Collingwood and Anderson. Andersons ankle knack is still a bit sore, but he should be fit. Collingwood has bruised his calf muscle, but again, he should be fit to play.

Players to watch..

The England

Kevin Pietersen. KP since being married has turned into a full blown The Englishman, which means he has no luck, gets out in the 20’s and 30’s a lot, and never goes on to score big. He’s going to pummel an attack soon, and this attack really should be it.

Stuart Broad. Young stud had a great 2nd innings in Wellington, showing proper aggressive fast bowling. This is going to be a very different surface, but if you want to be one of the best bowlers in world cricket, you need to learn to take wickets on all kinds of pitches.

Kiwi Land

Tim Southee. He’s got a chance to get himself on to the team bus to The England, if he performs in this test. If he gets smashed, it could see him quickly back to first class cricket with no more cricket for a few months. We’re going to see the character of this young buck on show tonight.

Daniel Vettori. If it’s as slow as it was in Hamilton, Vettori’s going to be a proper handful. His batting has been superb recently, but his bowling figures are a fair bit below fellow left arm orthodox spinner Monty Panesar so far.

My prediction is for The England to win this test comfortably.



I don’t have Napolean Syndrome, and I’m not a cheat, honest!
January 7, 2008, 10:38 am
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: , , , , , , ,

I’m a straight down the line, upstanding, honest fella, I tells ya!

So Ricky Ponting has been officially called in to umpire the next match against India (if it goes ahead, that is)..

Why on earth, is Mark Benson asking that dishonest little twat?!

An example of why you don’t trust the Tasmanian Devil..

From cricinfo..

Ricky Ponting has been intent on umpires around the world taking the fielders’ word on low catches, but the rest of the international captains don’t want to go along with him.

Hardly surprising, you short arse, cheating, hair weave wearing, batting behemoth, little bastard!

This is a team of players, who constantly stand their ground, when they know they’ve edged (bar Adam Gilchrist, and even then his team mates give him shit about it). Claim catches, that they have grassed (Michael Clarke, i’m looking at you!! New Zealand & India in the space of a month, your mother must be proud), and appeal for decisions that any player of cricket, would know is not out.

I love Australians, as a rule. I’ve never met one that I didn’t get along with, but the way they play their cricket, makes the blood boil.

Maybe it’s because I’m off the tabs now,  but my mind is set to angry at all times.