Suave's Republique Cricket

De Nederlanders slaan de Engelsen
Where's Dirty Dirk?!

De Nederlanders celebrate a famous victory over The England.

What the fuck happened there?!

Destiny, my friends, that’s what.

After mastering total football in the 70’s under Johan Cruyff, de Nederlanders have now decided to do the same in 20/20 cricket.

Watch out boys and girls, they were unstoppable  (except by Ze Germans) at football during that time, and are bound to do the same to all and sundry in this 20/20 World Cup (luckily Ze Germans are not here).  Never before has there been such a sublime display of a cricket, from a side wearing oranje.

Dirty Dirk bowled well, without any real penetration.

It was left to a couple of old blacksmiths to cause the damage.  Darron Reekers who started off in big bludgeoning style, followed up by Tom De Grooth, who smashed The England all over Lords.   Jrod loved it so much he almost threw up!

My man Ryan Ten Doeschate even got in on the act, a cracking allround display, with a red inker and taking the wickets of Ravi Bopara & Luke Wright.

The England have two young stars at the top of their order, and the rest are a bunch of cunts.   Even Rob Key, the fat knacker.

The bowling, beyond the opening pair was shithouse.   Rashid looked good against the West Indies, but was goes for too many runs.  He reminds me of Stuart MacGill, long hops, full tosses and the odd unplayable delivery.  No fucking good at 20/20, I’m afraid (and surely the fact that he doesn’t get in Yorkshire’s side, should have given them some idea, no?).

Stuart Broad couldn’t hit six stumps, the useless Ricky Schroder lookalike fucktrog.

I’m happy to lose to the Dutch though, because it might make this bunch of fuckfaced De Engelsen players actually learn to play proper 20/20 cricket.   Hardly any of them actually play it,  they’re learning the game in T20i’s.

Here’s to getting spanked by Pakistan on Sunday, and being out of the competition within 3 days!  Good times, my friends!

Die Nederlands; Die nieuw Zuid-Afrika?
Apple Fail!

Nom nom nom

Ryan Ten-Doeschate, Suave’s favourite Essex based dutchman, has obviously spent some time in Zuid-Afrika, learning from the master coach that is Mickey Arthur.  The best way to become world beaters in cricket is to eat cricket balls, apparently.

Nom nom nom

Nom nom nom

Be sure to get yourself over to King Cricket at 12pm BST today, for the greatest post the world has ever seen!  I can hardly wait.

Paul Grayson The Wonderhorse.

In the last few 20/20 games for Essex, head coach Paul Grayson has tinkered with the Essex batting line up, based on conditions and opposition, and the fella has pulled it off every time.

Firstly against Sussex, he spoke with Super Smasher Graham Napier, and hearing that he was middling everything, sent him in at first drop, where he smashed the current The English 20/20 highest score.

He also pushed him up the order against Yorkshire in the FP trophy, where he cracked a 34 ball 61.

In the next game against Northants, he looked at their bowling line up, realised that Napier’s strengths are against medium to quicks, and that they have three excellent players of spin in their middle order, in Grant Flower, James Foster & my man to watch Ryan Ten Doeschate.  So Grayson changed the lineup, sent Ravi Bopara into open the batting, (scoring a quickfire 47), before the middle order came in and worked the Northants spinners around.  By the time Napier came in, there was one over of spin left, and he hit 40 off 20, to push Essex up to 192-9.  A very good score to defend, especially after the heavens opened, and gave the pitch a little zip.

What I’m trying to say is, well done Paul Grayson for having the knowledge and the balls to change things around in important games, and it’s come off.   Essex are in both short form finals days so far, and expect them to fare well in the Pro40 shite too.

In other news, Sri Lanka are replacing the zim zimmers, who got the keys to me bimmer, for next years test and ODI series.  A much more challenging prospect, and in my eyes a good one to get us prepared for the Aussies.

Hopefully, we’ll get to see a fair bit of this Mendis fella too.

Although us The English are going to be ripped apart by him, as we’re shit at mystery spin.

Toodle pip.

Ravi Bopara. Good work fella.

I\'ve got a massive bum chin

Ravi Bopara, Essex all-rounder.

THis boy is the shizzle this season, he’s scored 341 runs in three County Championship innings and also tops his team’s bowling averages.

Him and my man, Ten Doeschate (took a 6-fer against the kiwi’s) are both looking superb down at the county ground.

Ravi has admitted that he turned down a six figure sum from the IPL, to concentrate on getting back into THE ENgland setup.

That is good.

That is nice.

Ravi is my friend again.

Ravi had this to say..

“If I do this, and with the current talk of new competitions and one-off matches to sit alongside the IPL, then I am sure there will be plenty of opportunities to enjoy the financial benefits in years to come,”

23 years old, and the little fella’s got a wise head on his shoulders!

This makes me happy.  More updates, when the fugue of four  days drinking lifts from my sorry head.

The Essex one to watch does well.
April 15, 2008, 9:48 am
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: , , , , , ,

Cesc FabregasRyan Ten Doeschate

After predicting a good season for Ryan Ten Doeschate here.., I’m glad that he has started brightly.

Against Cambridge UCCE, he scored 146 off 147 balls, which is nice.

Skipper Mark Pettini must have read what I had to say also, as he scored 153 off 206 balls.   Nice start, young fellow my lads.

Slightly worrying that an Essex XI couldn’t bowl out a team of students.  How on earth can you not bowl them out.  Leave a joint and a kebab on a length and most students would be running down the track.

Ryan did take one wicket though, so that’s good.   David Masters who’s just joined from Leics. also took a wicket, and went for next to no runs.  Every one else needs to buck their ideas up, or Evil Not Suave In The Slightest, is going to visit, and smash em up, real good.

Telegraph Fantasy Cricket.

Suave’s Republique has a side in place for this years fantasy cricket..

I’ve also signed up to Third Umpire’s Superleague. Third Umpire is another The English blog, which is written by nice chaps, not like the sweary fucker who writes this old pony..

My team and the reasons behind the selection, should you care, is as follows.

Michael Di Venuto. Scored a gazillion runs last year, just as most Aussies seem to in county cricket

Will Jefferson. Cos he’s a freak, and he used to play for Essex. King Cricket also loves him a lot.

Mark Ramprakash. Scored over 2000 runs in two seasons, and was my best performer by miles.

Ian Bell. If he continues in the form he showed last summer, should score eleventythousand runs this year.

Jason Gallian. He plays for Essex now, and averages about 40, which is OK. He was cheap too.

Adil Rashid. It was a tough choice between the young buck and Ryan Ten Doeschate, but I ended up picking Rashid. He’s had a great winter touring with the hedgehogs, and should get better as he gets fitter. Also, I was looking a little heavy on the Essex side, and we’re going to be shit this year.

James Foster. Plays for Essex, averages over 40, good hands. Scored his first double century last year.

Saqlain Mushtaq. You’ll notice that there’s a lot of spinners in my side, that’s cos they always take the most wickets in county cricket. Saqlain should do well at the Oval.

Dirk Nannes. I’ve picked him on the back of the man love shown by Jrod @ Cricket With Balls.
If he can carry on the form shown for Victoria, during the winter, he’ll rip county sides apart.

Mushtaq Ahmed. Took 90 wickets last year. Might take a few less this season, but still far and away the best spinner in county cricket

James Harris. Young (17) Glamorgan quick, bats quite well too. took 33 wickets at 24 in his first season, with best match figures of 12/118, highest score of 87no.

Preview of my two favourite county sides, 2008.

As a Basildon boy, my no1 county, is and always will be The Mighty Essex (not really been that mighty of late). As a Londoner now, I get to watch more of Surrey. So I’ve decided to do a little preview of the two sides that I’ll be following.

ESSEX (2007 – County Championship: 4th, Division Two; Pro 40: 9th, Division One, relegated; FP Trophy: Semi-finalists; Twenty20: Group losers)

Captain: Mark Pettini

Coach: Paul Grayson

Overseas players: Danish Kaneria (Pakistan)

Ins: C Wright, D Masters (Leicestershire), J Gallian (Nottinghamshire), T Westley

Outs: D Thomas, R Irani, A McGarry, A Bichel

One to watch: Ryan Ten Doeschate.

Don’t I look like Cesc Fabregas!

Averaging over 50 in first class cricket, this season really could be the one to push the dutchman (by Dutch, I mean Evil Saffer) into the upper echelons of county cricket. Likes to hit the ball, and when he does, he hits big! He’s also a handy bowler, although he only averages 40 in FC with the ball, in one day cricket he excels, with an average of under 20.


Don’t eat yellow snow.

Seriously though, I wouldn’t expect to see much silverware in the Essex Trophy cabinet at the end of the season. Mark Pettini, since taking over the captaincy has turned into the worst batsman in the team (maybe marginally better than Kaneria), and could really do with finding some form, sharpish. Kaneria as ever, will twirl away taking wickets for fun, whilst being supported by nobody, on a flat deck in Chelmsford (Please groundsman, give it a bit of juice this year!). It’s a shocker of a team this year to be honest, the batting line up has been given a bit of a boost with Jason Gallian who averages nearly 40, but it’s likely that we won’t be seeing young master Cook down at the county ground this season.

If Ravi avoids being picked by The England, then he will hopefully continue in the fine form that saw him average over 60 in the championship last year.

SURREY (2007 – County Championship: 4th, Division One; Pro 40: 4th, Division Two; FP Trophy: 5th, South Conference; Twenty20: Group losers)

Captain: Mark Butcher

Coach: Alan Butcher

Overseas players: Matt Nicholson (Australia)

Ins: U Afzaal (Northamptonshire), P Collins, S Meaker, S Mushtaq (Sussex), Murtaza Hussain (Worcestershire)

Outs: M Akram, R Clarke (Derbyshire), N Doshi (Derbyshire), R Hamilton-Brown (Sussex), A Mahmood (Kent), I Salisbury (Warwickshire)

One to watch: Chris Jordan.

An excellent start to his Surrey career last year, with 20 wickets in five matches, which for an 18 year old young buck, is pretty bloody good.

If he kicks on this season, there’ll be some dog-fight, to see who can secure his international services. He’s a Barbadian by birth, but holds a British passport, and it’ll be interesting to see where he goes.


A proper suit should fit the shoulders snugly, be tapered in at the waist, and make you look smarter than you are, and must always be accompanied by quality shoes.

Surrey should be much more settled this season. The batting line up has been bolstered with the acquisition of Afzaal. Tanya Aldred @ Cricinfo had this to say about Afzaals fielding “His talents don’t extend to the field where he most resembles a bear at an aerobics class”. Nice description. They’ll be looking to Ramps to perform his heroics of the last two seasons, and bat like the county behemoth we all know and love. Chris Jordan should add some spice to undercooked bowling unit.

I would expect Surrey to be challenging for the title, with Sussex and Lancashire, although the pitch rarely does anyone a favour.