Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Adil Rashid, Amjad Khan, Andrew Strauss, Cameron White, Cricket, Ian Bell, india, james anderson, jimmy anderson, Kevin Pietersen, King Cricket, Line and length, Monty Panesar, Owais Shah, Patrick Kidd, paul collingwood, Sachin tendulkar, Sherminator, Steve Harmison
Can’t bat in the subcontinent, and plays with a fractured rib.
Surely that would restrict your movement somewhat, I know it did when I broke my ribs. I couldn’t move at anywhere near full capacity for months!
So what is the stupid saffer halfwit doing playing? Did no-one think that it might be a bad thing? Fuck off you stupid grinned cockmunch.
I do despair sometimes, and at other times I feel like hulk smashing.
Today is one of those days.
Patrick Kidd over at Line & Length calls for the replacement of one of the useless fucking knobend opening bowlers. He reckons we should replace Jimmy “I’m a wet fucking Blanket” Anderson or Stephen “I’m a weak in the head wanker” Harmison, with Amjad Khan. Obviously Patrick was much nicer in his words, but the sentiment was the same I’m sure.. Back to the Danish wunderkind Amjad, the boy is pretty quick, he can reverse swing the ole nut, and he can’t be any fucking worse than them other two shitforbrains (I say that without ever seeing bowl a first class delivery)!
He also called for Panesar to go. Too fucking right I say. That bucket handed bambi twat needs to disappear for a long time.
Why not send the idiot to Australia for club cricket for the rest of their summer?
There he’ll have to learn some guile, or he’ll be smashed into oblivion. Either way we win. If he gets smashed into oblivion, he quits and takes up some IT job in Brum. If he learns his craft, we have a world class spinner back in the ranks.
They’ve got to replace him with my young buck, Adil Rashid. Give him a go, he’ll at least get Tendulkar’s wicket. He loves to give a debutant spinner his wicket. Basically Tendulkar is a Cricket Shark. Give the fella an easy first wicket, they raise their hopes, think that they’ve just got the best batsman in the world out, so they must be a great bowler, then get smashed about for the rest of their career by him, (see Monty Panesar and Cameron White) The sneaky fucker..
Talking of Tendulkar, visit Dear Kingy for his take on Tendulkar. It’s FUCKING GENIUS.
One day I intend to have Alex’s babies (just don’t tell him yet, it’ll be a surprise!).
Lastly, let the Sherminator get Sherminated, so that we can bring back Ace. He’s fucking good in the subcontinent, he’s wristy and the lad can manipulate the strike. At least get three blokes who can do that in the side. Strauss, Shah & Colly are the only proper batsmen who seem to be able to rotate, although Rashid is no mug with the bat either, and as he’s of Asian descent, he must be wristy too.
Here endeth the rant. Carry on, nothing to see..
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Alastair Cook, Andrew Flintoff, Andrew Strauss, BCCI, Chakh De India, Charlie Brooker, Cricket, ECB, First Test, Gautam Gambhir, Greame Swann, Ian Bell, india, james anderson, jimmy anderson, Kevin Pietersen, Little master, mahendra Singh Dhoni, Matt Prior, Mohali, Monty Panesar, MS Dhoni, paul collingwood, Sachin tendulkar, Steve Harmison, The England, Virender Sehwag, Yuvraj Singh
One really should have time to process that sort of result, before jumping on tinternet to post, but you know what, fuck it, that’s not my style.
Firstly, congratulations to India, on an unprecedented fourth innings chase on Indian soil. You boys, under that young buck Dhoni, have BALLS OF STEEL!
Secondly, The England, you can all fuck right off, you bunch of jumped up little pissdrips. How the fuck do you lose a game from that position? By being weak cunts, that’s how. I’d like to rip your fucking hearts out, and stamp on them wearing my cricket spikes.
I’m gonna take it easy on three, maybe four people, the rest of you deserve to be HULK SMASHED into oblivion.
Andrew Strauss. You sir, get a slight reprieve, although a good fucking slap is required so you can get a pissing move on! All of the Indian team seemed capable of batting at strike rate of over 50, yet you couldn’t.
Alastair Cook. You mascara wearing little fucktard. Learn to hit over the top, learn to sweep, or piss off and die, you shitting cockface.
Ian Bell. The Sherminator should be sherminated. Get Shah in, and let this ineffectual, whining little snotface rot in the bog of eternal stench.
Kevin Pietersen. The man is a cunt. Can’t bat in the sub-continent (Averages under 30), and needs to learn, fast. I let him off as a skipper, as he does have three bowlers who are too fucking impotent, that even Viagara wouldn’t help em.
Paul Collingwood. Just give it up, please! Too fucking slow, too fucking ugly. As Bumble rightly said “if he was playing outside your house, you’d shut the curtains”. Alas, he has to stay as he’s one of only two or three players who can play in the sub-continent.
Andrew Flintoff. He’s not, and hasn’t been for a long time, a batting all-rounder. He’s a bowling all-rounder, and a fucking good one at that. Move him down to seven, and get Prior in before him.
Matt Prior. A batsmen who keeps, nothing more. I’ll let him off for now.
Greame Swann. Deserves to stay, and along with Fred looked like the only person capable of getting a wicket.
James Anderson. You are shit, utterly shit, you may even be crafted entirely of shit. Grow some balls, or fuck off. You get the full suave smashing.
Steve Harmison. CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT. I know, let’s bowl short and wide of off stump to Sehwag, he’ll do fuck all with that.
Monty Panesar. PRICK. PRICK. PRICK. Every time I see this big handed bambi twat, I want a smash an empty beer glass right into his bearded face.
India, here at La Republique, I salute you.
Chakh De India!
Special mention goes to Virender Sehwag, for being a god. Gautam Gambhir, for looking like a ferenghi, but being fucking good with it, Tendulkar, for being un-fucking-believable for so long, and to Yuvraj, for being such a swaggering man cock.
More on India individually later, as they deserve no rage.
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Andrew Flintoff, jimmy anderson, Matt Prior, Steve Harmison, stuart broad
How fucking dare they… That’s what I say.
How very dare they have a perfect ODI. Bowl the opposition out for under a hundred and knock off the score for no wickets down. Dirty The English Bastards!
Seriously, I’m happy as a pig in shit. What a performance. Stuart Broad was world class, his line and length were McGrath like, and the boy ran and ran and ran until he looked like he was going to be sick. Then you had Fred & Harmison bowling quick and dangerously at the other end. I’d rather not face that me sen.
The other massive positive was Matt Prior. His keeping was exceptional, and the catch he took away to his left was stunning (if he learns to do that to his right, he’s made). To follow it up with 45no, streaky, but the scorecards don’t say that. Top job foreign wanky wicky.
My only real concern is Jimmy Anderson though. Two games, 8 overs, 44 runs, at 5.5 an over. Carry on like that girly boy, and Suave’s a gonna smash ya!
I’m in all sorts of pain today, slightly less so than yesterday, but still, it’s making me angry. Today’s game, however has made the sun shine brightly. I finished work at 3.30 CET, which was when the game kicked off, I got four beers inside me, and The England have spanked the Saffers. Life is good. It’s difficult to be too angry after all that, but the rage is flowing; by flowing, I mean trickling. A nod is a good as a wink to a blind man, no what I mean?.
A big hello to Spearpoint, and an apology for not answering sooner, but you’re South African and nice, and that has confused me no end 😉
Now fuck off you ungrateful bastards.
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: 20-20, 20/20, Chris Tremlett, Cricket, Fat Head, fatheadflattrackbully, Greame Smith, IPL, james anderson, jimmy anderson, Mark Ramprakash, Matthew Hayden, Matthew Hoggard, Monty Panesar, orphan eating bear like fuckhead, Steve Harmison, stuart broad
IPL.. Fucking hurry up and get to the semi-final stage. I’m fucked off with watching stupid Kallis and Dravid pretend they aren’t ancient.
Matthew Hayden. This goes without saying.
Greame Smith. For wanting to be Hayden.
Steve Harmison. For breaking Hoggy’s thumb.
Chris Tremlett. For looking like he should kill people, but being a meek and mild twat.
Jimmy Anderson. For being a useless twat for four balls an over, and looking great the other two.
Stuart Broad. For believing his own hype.
Monty Panesar. For being a starfish.
The England Selectors. For not picking Adil Rashid.
The England Middle Order. For not scoring any runs, and looking far too comfortable.
Mark Ramprakash. Fucking hurry up and score that century, so we can all move on. Please!!
Steve Harmison today had this to say..
“We have a culture in England where we kick people when they are down. They like to have a pop at someone and at the minute it’s my turn.”
What fuckhead has failed to pick up on, is that we’re kicking him, because he gets paid shit loads of money to scare people and take wickets with his fast bowling. If he were to do this, instead of being a whiny little fuckwit, no-one would bag him at all.
Alas no, he just can’t help himself. They’re all picking on me, It’s not fair, boo fucking hoo.
To you sir, I say…
FUCK OFF KNOBCHEESE!
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Cricket, England, james anderson, Matthew Hoggard, New Zealand, Steve Harmison, stuart broad
Harmison and Hoggard have both been dropped for the second test. This is brilliant.
I’m not a huge fan of Jimmy Anderson, as you may have learned. However, I really do think there needs to be a culling, after a performance as abject as the first test.
The two models will provide a bit of hunger to the bowling line up, and can’t be any worse than the two H’s. (I look forward to having this rammed back down my throat, when they prove to be just as shit).
Unfortunately, there is no change to the batting line up.
Shah continues to upset people, by his very presence. He’s got to have been caught fucking one of the selectors wives, cos the boy has done nothing wrong, yet keeps being overlooked.
I would have dropped Strauss myself. Collingwood shouldn’t be too far from the chopping block either, after scoring 2 off 50 balls.
The good news for The England, is that the pitch looks like a green top, which should suit our batting and bowling line up.
Let’s hope that we get a decent start, and can finally apply some pressure to the Kiwis, instead of wilting like a bunch of old flowers.