Suave's Republique Cricket


The Republique’s new weekly quiz!
March 31, 2008, 1:51 pm
Filed under: Cricket, quiz | Tags: ,

After the relative success of the six word reviews, Miriam suggested that I create a six word review, for my loyal viewers to guess.

If it goes well, we’ll make it into a weekly fixture, and I’ll look at a nice prize for the winner.

Almost Olympian aloofness, massive run scorer.

Answers on the back of a postcard..



Six word reviews. West Indies vs Sri Lanka.

So, today we move on to the other sides playing test match cricket.  It’s the windies and the Sirils..

Still have Pakistan and Bangladesh to come.

West Indies

Chris Gayle: Scared of Vaas, losing coolness daily

Devon Smith: Cricinfo says belligerent, never seen belligering.

Ramnaresh Sarwan: Upset McGrath, nearly caused a war.

Marlon Samuels: Chucker, friend of bookies, dodgy fucker

Shivnarine Chanderpaul: Lord Megachief Of Gold. Enough Said.

Dwayne Bravo: Should be great, chooses lazy shite.

Dinesh Ramdin: Does his mummy know he’s here?

Ryan Hinds:  Desmond Haynes loves him, he’s shit.

Sulieman Benn: Stupid name, doesn’t take wickets. Shit.

Jerome Taylor: Bowls really quick, never really threatening

Daren Powell: averages 46, that’s mohammed sami shit.

Sri Lanka

Michael Vandort: A bambi Boycott, accumulates very slowly

Malinda Warnapura: New boy, likes windies and bangladesh.

Kumar Sangakkara: Suave, erudite, batting behemoth. Loves runs.

Mahela Jayawardene: Is a Proboth. (this is not part of the six words, but look at his profile on Cricinfo).  Destroys bowlers sadistically

Thilan Samaraweera: Who he? averages 40, no-one cares.

Tillakaratne Dilshan: Brilliant fielder, big ears, was muslim.

Prasanna Jayawardene: (Wk) Kumar can’t be bothered.  I can!

Chaminda Vaas: Wiley old dog, likes Chris Gayle

Thilan Thushara: Literally know nothing about this fella.

Rangana Herath: first class figures great, test, shit.

Muttiah Muralitharan: Highest wicket taker of all time.



Silly Sehwag fails.
March 31, 2008, 10:17 am
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: , , , , , , ,

That bloody Suave has jinxed me, I’d have taken Lara’s record if it weren’t for him and his pesky predictions!

“I say, capital innings, what?”

That phrase comes from Samir Chopra at Eye On Cricket.

It was a cracking innings, but it was played on a road.  Fancy being a bowler in the subcontinent?  Where innings regularly hit 500?  No thank you very much….

Viru did very well, but he should have gone on to break Lara’s record.  On that track Lara would have scored a eleventymillion runs.  And that’s a fact!

What else happened this weekend?  Nothing really, Amla scored more runs, Neil Mackenzie too.  The result was utterly predictable, with a scoreboredraw thing.

Can’t we get groundsman (or as you wacky southern hemisphere types like to say, curators) to create pitches that do a bit for both?

Please for the love of god, no-one wants to see eleventythousand runs in a game, with no chances..  We need the bowlers involved too.

Fuckignwankyrunlovinggroundsmannobheads.

Suave has now moved into Suave Mansion II, and has just employed a team of Manilla tailors, to look after the Suave wardrobe.

So that’s nice.

In other cricket news, err there isn’t any.

I haven’t seen any cricket, and I don’t get Sky til the 12th April, so won’t be able to watch any.

Never fear though, I shall plagiarise others work, and pass it off as my own, in the meantime.

Only kidding,

No i’m not.

No I am.

Ha ha, had you there for a minute didn’t I?!



Bad light stops play.
March 28, 2008, 1:06 pm
Filed under: Cricket, Photography | Tags: , ,

I’m away for the weekend now, as I have to move into my new palace.. You can’t expect the Suave leader of a banana republic to live any where but, can you?

So I’ll be busy for the whole weekend, with no internet access. More updates on Monday, until then have a great weekend, where ever you are.

In my absence, here’s a bit of art for you..

Photographer Jim Purbick

Toy cricket

Also, I like this next photo.. Taken using a tilt-shift lens, it makes it appear to be a toy game..

Photographer Tim Norris

Toy Cricket?



Six word reviews. India vs South Africa

As yesterdays six word review of The England & New Zealand went down so well, I shall continue..

Today, I enter the realms of the subcontinent to poetically describe the Indians and South Africans.

South Africa

Greame Smith: Bear like opener, flat track bully

Neil Mackenzie: Shitting old fella, good on roads.

Hashim Amla: Bearded wonder Jrod hates to watch.

Jacques Kallis: Think of him having sex, disgusting!

Ashwell Prince: Boring c*nt, IPL didn’t want him.

A B De Villiers: God botherer, lives with evil Morkels.

Mark Boucher: Best keeper in world cricket? Maybe..

Morne Morkel: Sounds like a super villain, evil.

Paul Harris: Like Tufnell, marginally better with bat

Dale Steyn: Quick, makes bangladesh cry for mummy

Makhaya Ntini: Definitely not a rapist, no siree.

India

Virender Sehwag: Batshit batsman, smashes quicks for fun

Wasim Jaffer: Done by a jaffer, not again!!

Rahul Dravid: The Wall, like watching paint dry.

Sachin Tendulkar: Little Master likes Aussie attacks. Genius.

Sourav Ganguly: Lord Snooty. Up his own arse.

VVS Laxman: Graceful, batters aussies, everyone loves that!

Mahendra Singh Dhoni: Swashbuckling keeper, likes young lads, oooh!

Anil Kumble: Former official god, doesn’t turn it.

Harbhajan Singh: Mouthy twat, should concentrate on bowling!!

RP Singh: Suave looking, swings it both ways.

Sree Sreesanth: Mentalist, proper fucking loony. Bowl, Idiot!



Shane Warne retirement “shock”
March 27, 2008, 7:27 pm
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: , , ,

Lusty leggy gets more time for shenanigans

In news which I don’t think has surprised that many, Shane Warne has now retired from Hampshire CCC.  He will only play cricket for Jaipur in the IPL, and his Jaipur/Hampshire team-mate DangerAnus (Dimitri Mascheranas) will take over as club captain.

Warne had this to say..

“My eight years involved with Hampshire have been a wonderful experience. Memories that will last with me forever and likewise the friendships that have been formed at the club,” Warne said.

“Unfortunately I am retiring from all first-class cricket but will participate in the IPL with the Jaipur franchise as captain and coach.

“This was not an easy decision to make but due to some exciting business opportunities and wanting to spend more time with my children, I had to make this call,” Warne, Hampshire’s captain since 2004, added.

“I was very lucky to have played with such a wonderful group of guys, thanks for the great times – thank you very much for your support and friendship.

“To all the fans that have turned up to watch Hampshire play, thank you very much for embracing me as one of you, and supporting me and the team, it meant a lot to me,”

So he’s given up first class cricket to sell hair products.  Fat bastard.

Dimitri DangerAnus, their new captain (how the fuck did that happen? He’s gonna be missing for the start of the season at the IPLS and he doesn’t really play first class cricket, why the fuck would you pick him??) also gave a statement to the press….

“I hope to bring great success to the club and Hampshire supporters,” Mascarenhas said.

“It is a huge honour to be made captain of such a prestigious club, following in the footsteps of the likes of Colin Ingleby-Mackenzie, Mark Nicholas and the great Shane Warne.”



Six word reviews. The England vs New Zealand

After reading a great article here. I’ve decided to do a six word review of every player, from every test match nation.

I shall start, as is my wont, with the recently victorious The England, and their plucky opposition New Zealand

The England

Alastair Cook: Promises much, will he deliver soon?

Michael Vaughan: Michael Vaughan thinks Michael Vaughan’s wonderful. (can i get away with Vaughan’s? You Decide)

Andrew Strauss: Wing Commander needs to soar again.

Kevin Pietersen: Ever told you I am great?

Ian bell: Foreplay beautiful, intercourse over in seconds.

Paul Collingwood: Gritty northener, shovels to leg often.

Tim Ambrose: Australian wanky wicky, we shall see.

Stuart Broad: Boy band bowler, looks very good.

Ryan Sidebottom: Lion of Huddersfield likes to roar.

Jimmy Anderson: Hot wife, hot and cold bowling

Monty Panesar: Sikh of Tweak fields like spastic.

The Old Zealand 

Matthew Bell:  miss, swing, swing, miss, miss, out.

Jamie How:   How indeed?  better in ODI’s, shit.

Stephen Fleming:  Plays wonderfully until fifty, then out.

Matthew Sinclair:  Fuck I’m shit, Shoot me please

Ross Taylor:  Did well, will get found out.

Grant Elliot:  If test quality, god help us.

Brendan McCullum: Smash bang wallop, shit dropped it.

Daniel Vettori:  Used to Bowl, now a batsman.

Tim Southee:  Buck toothed young buck comes good.

Jeetan Patel:  Bowl better than skipper, still dropped.

Chris Martin: Comical batting, used to have hair.

Coming tomorrow, India vs South Africa or West Indies vs Sri Lanka