Suave's Republique Cricket

Six word analysis of England – New Zealand test series.

Being a dictator of your own republic, I get to make the rulez.

Six word reviews, for everyone that played more than two tests in the series.  I can’t be bothered with all these shit heads that played one test.

The England

Alastair Cook: Stupid eyeliner wearing dickhead, fucking rubbish.

Andrew Strauss: Wants to play NZ every week!

Michael Vaughan: Looks great at getting himself out

Kevin Pietersen: Scratches around until last game again!

Ian bell: fucking ginger twat.  Suave HULK SMASH!

Paul Collingwood: Time to be put to pasture?

Tim Ambrose: good with gloves, rubbish with bat

Stuart Broad: Too many pies, bats lovely though..

Ryan Sidebottom: Not great, but averaged 20. Bizarre.

Jimmy Anderson: Good, shit, good. Superb in Nottingham

Monty Panesar: One-spell series, superb oop north.

The Old Zealand

Aaron Redmond: Dear lord, this lad is SHIT!

Jamie How: Solid, dependable, not really that good.

Brendan McCullum: Not three, too mental for that.

Ross Taylor: Looks a lovely player. CALM DOWN!

Daniel Flynn: not bad, suspect to short ball.

Jacob Oram: Miserly with ball, 231 runs, somehow

Daniel Vettori: smacked around as skipper, bowled alright

Kyle Mills: good no 8 batsman, bowling rubbish.

Ian O’Brien:  Scares small children, he’s that ugly.

Chris Martin: Bowled cack, Batting is really cack

James Marshall:  Shitter than his brother.  Super shit?

Six word reviews. The England vs New Zealand

After reading a great article here. I’ve decided to do a six word review of every player, from every test match nation.

I shall start, as is my wont, with the recently victorious The England, and their plucky opposition New Zealand

The England

Alastair Cook: Promises much, will he deliver soon?

Michael Vaughan: Michael Vaughan thinks Michael Vaughan’s wonderful. (can i get away with Vaughan’s? You Decide)

Andrew Strauss: Wing Commander needs to soar again.

Kevin Pietersen: Ever told you I am great?

Ian bell: Foreplay beautiful, intercourse over in seconds.

Paul Collingwood: Gritty northener, shovels to leg often.

Tim Ambrose: Australian wanky wicky, we shall see.

Stuart Broad: Boy band bowler, looks very good.

Ryan Sidebottom: Lion of Huddersfield likes to roar.

Jimmy Anderson: Hot wife, hot and cold bowling

Monty Panesar: Sikh of Tweak fields like spastic.

The Old Zealand 

Matthew Bell:  miss, swing, swing, miss, miss, out.

Jamie How:   How indeed?  better in ODI’s, shit.

Stephen Fleming:  Plays wonderfully until fifty, then out.

Matthew Sinclair:  Fuck I’m shit, Shoot me please

Ross Taylor:  Did well, will get found out.

Grant Elliot:  If test quality, god help us.

Brendan McCullum: Smash bang wallop, shit dropped it.

Daniel Vettori:  Used to Bowl, now a batsman.

Tim Southee:  Buck toothed young buck comes good.

Jeetan Patel:  Bowl better than skipper, still dropped.

Chris Martin: Comical batting, used to have hair.

Coming tomorrow, India vs South Africa or West Indies vs Sri Lanka

The England win first away series since 2005!

Wowow wewoow, The England have done it away from home, finally.

This is good, because it means I’m one step further away from a pink sparkly t-shirt, stating my true intentions for the bearlike south african opener.

A few more series wins like this, and it’ll be Miss-Field who starts to sweat!  That I heart The Barmy Army shirt, is gonna look lovely!

A deserved win, after some outstanding test match cricket.   I’ve always thought that to win a test match, you need at least four players to come to the party, and perform to their best.The England had Kevin Pietersen in the first innings, rescuing us from nowhere.

The Lion Of Huddersfield followed that up with his 7/47 to give The England a first innings lead.

Wing Commander Strauss then turned in his career highest score, with 177.

Stuart Broad had a wonderful all-rounders performance with 73 runs at an average of 73, and 5-132 match bowling figures.

Monty Panesar finsished with 6-126, career best figures, which would have looked a helluva lot better, had Tim Southee not brought out THE RAGE

The buck toothed young buck had a blinder last night,  scoring the fastest test match 50 in New Zealands history, after borrowing Stephen Flemings bat.

Ross Taylor ended the series as the highest run scorer, with 310 runs at an average of 51.66.  He could have a great future in international cricket this lad, very easy on the eye, and has a sound technique.

Fleming looked beautifully composed again in his final test series, never being out before 31 or after 66.  Consistent to the end.

Now for the return leg.

I imagine that we’ll see a pretty different side from NZ.  Jamie How will probably keep his place, but the walking wickets of Bell & Sinclair should be put out to pasture, and Grant Elliot looks as though he’d struggle against North Middlesex’ fourth team.

Blimmin nora, The England have won a test match overseas!

This image recreates itself, every other test, it seems…  Good old Sidey!

Hark, The England have won a test match overseas.  The haven’t done that in two years, the last against India at Mumbai..

Michael Vaughan hasn’t won a test match abroad, since the last test in South Africa in 2005.

At that time, The Englands test record read “Played 15, Won 13, Lost 1, Drawn 1”.  We were rightly, the second ranked side in the world, and went on to produce an ashes winning summer, that captured all of our hearts.

But fuck that shit..

That was yonks ago.  I was childless then.  I was crazy then.  I was nearly fired from my job for not doing any work for the summer.

This was a very good test match, played on a great test wicket.

Daniel Vettori was moaning about the pitch, and saying he was disappointed that it was still doing things for the bowlers on day four.

Piss off nancy boy..  That’s what a test wicket should do!!  Just because you haven’t got a top order that knows how to play a moving ball.

The high points for The England

Tim Ambrose.  For this first innings 100.  This took the game away from New Zealand, and gave us a well above par first innings score.

Paul Collingwood.  65 & 59, taking 3/23 in the first innings, and fighting hard against the wind for 8 overs yesterday.  A great all round performance.

Ryan Sidebottom.  I just want to kiss him, in a manly way, for hours upon end.  Oxymoron is teh king.

James Anderson.  I know i’ve ballsed on him before, but the boy showed what he can do when he’s hungry.  His bowling in the first innings was superb.  Second innings was good, but he was into the wind this time, and rattling with pills.

The high points for NZ

Jacob Oram.   He took 6/100 from 49 overs.  That my friends is frugal.

Brendan McCullum.  110 runs in the test match.  Has consistently looked NZ’s most dangerous batsmen.

Ross Taylor.  The boy wasn’t far behind McCullum, with 108 runs in the match.  Is looking like a very good player, and needs to be moved up the order for the next test match.  Should be no4, and will take the no3 spot, I would say, when Fleming retires.

Low Points

The catching.  The Kiwis were poor, and The England weren’t much better to be honest.  Unusually Paul Collingwood and Brendan McCullum were the biggest culprits.

Mark Gillespie.  His fielding is appalling, he can’t bat, and he bowls half trackers or half volleys.

Monty Panesar.  As bad in the field as Angry Man Gillespie.

Jacob Oram’s batting.  He’s lucky he’s bowling so well at the moment, because he’s averaging 12 with the bat.  No-one is mentioning this, but it needs to be highlighted.  As a batting all-rounder, he should be scoring a lot more runs.

Strauss, Vaughan & Pietersen’s batting.  Three out of our top four are averaging less than 30.  One of these three should be dropped for the next test.   It won’t happen, but it should.  Vaughan’s not going to go, as he’s the skipper.  Pietersen shouldn’t go YET…  Strauss is next in line.  He looked better in our second innings than he has for a while, but he needs to do something magical in Napier, or he’s on the scrap heap.

And the biggest low point of them all goes too…..

Matthew Bell.  Wow!  He looked like he was dancing in the crease, whenever a ball was delivered. The only reason he managed to eke out 29 runs, was because he wasn’t good enough to edge anything…   It’s a sorry state of affairs, if this is your best opening batsman.

The England, in “Blimey, sometimes we’re not shit” shocker..

That my friends, is how wide Harmison would have been.. Lucky they picked me, eh!

Well, what a day for The England..

They managed to push the score up to 342, with Ambrose reaching his century, and Collingwood adding an important 65. That score, now looks above par.

Then out comes Jimmy Anderson and has a barn stormer of an innings.. Maiden first up, wicket maiden second over. Took the wickets of the NZ top 5. Not a bad day really..

He had to come in to the side, although others believed he shouldn’t, The Atheist, King Cricket, after Hoggard admitted that he was one game away from being fit for a test match. Remember, this is AFTER he’d bowled pies in the first test match, to take the magic figures of 1/151.

This is unacceptable for any player. He didn’t just have a bad day, he admitted that he wasn’t fit enough, and wasn’t prepared. A man that earns £230,000 a year to play test match cricket, fucking should be ready!!

Stuart Broad was a bit more wayward, but no more so than Harmison, and he is learning his trade at the top level. He did well to take the wicket of McCullum, when he was just starting to look dangerous.

Sidebottom bowled well again, without much reward, and Collingwood, with his military medium seam bowling, took a very handy 3/23.

The England, then batted sensibly for the final five overs before stumps. I must take exception to Miss Field’s post. On a pitch where the ball is seaming and swinging, with five overs to go before stumps, it’s batten down the hatches, and finish the day with no wickets down. Maybe the Aussies would have gone out and smashed 25 runs in that time, but I very much doubt it.. Sensible batting, which leaves The England 148 runs ahead with 10 wickets in hand. If they reach anything over 300 as a lead in this test, they will win.

Again, I expect that to come and bite on me on the arse!

The Days winners and losers


Tim Ambrose for reaching his maiden test century, and his very effective keeping.

Paul Collingwood for his 65, and 3/23. Good all-round performance

Jimmy Anderson. A great day with the ball. When he pitched it on, or just outside off-stump, he was unplayable.

Ross Taylor who’s turning into a fine test match player. After his superb century in Hamilton, he scored a decent 53 today.

Daniel Vettori proving time and time again, what an awkard batsman he is.. Another innings, another 50.


Tim Ambrose for not pushing on after reaching his hundred (a bit harsh, but he should have knuckled down)

Stephen Fleming. He scratched around today, and got himself out, to a poor shot. He has never scored a century at his home ground. He needs 144 runs in his next three innings to secure an average of 40.

The New Zealand opening pair. Failed again. They are lucky that they bat properly all the way to 8, or this would have been a thrashing

Monty Panesar. His fielding today, was village. Really fucking village.

I love you guys. For I have removed hatred from my heart.

So, my next prediction is that New Zealand will win this test. (a bit of reverse nostradamusing there). As every prediction I’ve made about this test is wrong, I trust this one will be too.

On to more pressing matters.

The England, are a beautiful bunch of guys.

They are in no way a big bunch of useless C*nts, that I’d like to smash into the ground with a pile driver.

Especially not Stephen J Harmison. He’s the one I love most. He’s not a useless halfwit, who deserves to be put down.

And I’m, not going to get medieval on the Yeoman, who seems to have turned into the worst bowler in world cricket over night. He’s returned to the 2003 ashes tour form, that saw him smashed every where.

Not going to hulk smash the montser for only taking 1/101. I know he contained well, going for less than 3 an over, but I am in no way suggesting he be dropped for the home tests, and to bring in young buck.

I really don’t fancy chopping Alastair Cook into little pieces, and feeding him to sharks with lasers. No sireee.

I don’t want to murder you and your family, in a particularly violent way. I’m all about the love!

The people who are in my goodish books at present, are Kevin Pieterson. About time he used his offspin to good effect.

Pietersen                   55.5   14    141      4 (2nb)

These figures were against The England in 1999/2000, he got the wickets of Atherton, Hussain, Vaughan & Chris Adams.

He’s no mug with the ball, and I’m not sure why they don’ t use him more.

Oxymoron is also there, for taking 4 wickets, and keeping the run rate down, whilst all his fast bowling colleagues bowled pies.

Colly, for not wobbling, and taking two important wickets.

And Vaughan, but only for his batting. He looked bereft of ideas when in the field and got lucky with KP & Colly.

A word about New Zealand…

Ross Taylor’s innings was sublime.. Some absolutely dreamy cover and square drives.

Vettori was magnificent also, and should have got a 100, the way he lofted Panesar over long on, was beautiful. He’s averaging over 60 this year in test cricket. Not bad for a number 8!!

Remember, I’m all peace and love.

So there will be no hacking the lads in my “I’m disappointed with you” list to bits with a machete.

Not on your nelly!

Honours even? No; bollocks are they, The England For The Win!

I really hope that headline doesn’t come to bite me on the arse!!

After a proper piece of cricket journalism, for the preview yesterday, don’t expect anything like that today!

A late night, made even later by a screaming child an hour after I eventually got to sleep, has left my brain as mush.

It started badly for The England, with no wickets while the ball was swinging.

Not that they bowled poorly, more the pitch was lifeless.

How and Bell started very slowly, but after seven overs, picked up the pace. They had soon put on 40 for the opening partnership. which while not exactly setting the world alight, is eight higher than NZ’s average opening pair.

On came Gormless, and showed why he was once considered to be the worlds finest bowler..

His second over went a little something like this..

A slowish ball (at this stage, all he had was slow, slower or slowest), on the stumps and defended

A slow, over-pitched shocker which was rightly smashed to the cover boundary

A rank wide long hop, that was smashed up and over slips, to the third man boundary

Then came the piece de resistance: A rubbish wide delivery, that was too full, and lacked pace. Bell however had got his eye in, and was seeing the glory. He chased at it, with little or no foot movement, and slashed it straight to Cook at gully.

After that he returned to his normal greatness.

Oxymoron Sidebottom had a very good day, taking 2-39 and going for less than 2 an over.

The best moment of the day, was seeing Fleming looking incredulously, as his slash through the gully region, was picked out of nowhere by Eyeliner boy himself, FEC Alastair Cook.

A stunning catch, and a great day all round in the field for Cooky.. Three catches, two of which, were absolute corkers.

Collingwood had a good day also, taking 1/16, with a great caught & bowled. He followed this up with a sharp slip catch, to get rid of Sinclair off Panesar.

Hoggard has upset me today, the yeoman, so steady and reliable. was spanked around for nearly five an over. In the same number of overs as Sideshow bob, he went for nearly 60 runs more.

Come on the Hoggster, don’t join my “I’m a little disappointed with you” list, it’s no place to be, i can tell you!

New Zealand really should have done better. How, started brightly, and should have got a century, McCullum should have reigned himself in a little.

The plus points for NZ are that Taylor & Vettori are both in, and this will give them a chance to go on to post a decent total.

But I’m in it for the win it.

Prediction for todays play

The England, to bowl ’em out early, and put themselves in to a strong first innings position.