Suave's Republique Cricket

Symonds Vs Bhajji part MCMXXVI
January 29, 2008, 9:44 am
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Andrew Symonds

I am not a monkey, I am a killing machine!

Harbajhan Singh

I like big butts and I can’t deny!

One looks like he kills children for fun.

One looks like he has a dove of peace in his hand. (Probably why he was cleared!)

The only way to resolve all of this, is for the boys to meet in the car park for a scrap.

I know where I’m putting my money, how about you?

You big F*cken jessie!
January 29, 2008, 9:15 am
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: , ,

So Shaun Tait is feeling a bit emotional?!

I’m going all EMO, I’ll be listening to Marilyn Manson and cutting myself soon!

Shaun Tait has quit all forms of cricket indefinitely, due to emotional and physical exhaustion.

Fuck off, you big halfwit!

This guy is supposed to be a grunt, who likes knocking batsmen’s heads off, and he’s crying off of state and national cricket.


I’m hoping he’ll be back for next years Ashes series, as he’s always worth a few free runs.

The real reason India lost in Sydney.
January 28, 2008, 11:26 am
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It seems to be a day of new evidence appearing.

First, Channel 9 come up with new stump microphone evidence.

India make a statement, refusing to admit that evidence, which seems about the guiltiest response there is!

And then, passes on a newly released image, sent via bottle over the Tasmanian sea.  All very hush hush, you understand..

Look, Morgan Freeman plays for Australia!

Shit on a stick, the Ferengi has gone!

Adam Gilchurch

I’ll be concentrating on my acting career.  Star Trek calls, dear hearts!

Adam Gilchurch

I’m a wanky wicky, but the best one y0u’ve ever seen!

Bye bye big ears. It’s been a blast.

I guess this means we’ll now have a Strayan team, that includes 11 bad sportsman, instead of the 10 they’ve had up til now.

You’ve got to admire Gilly for his attitude. The man even walked in a world cup semi-final.

All we need now is for Matthew Hayden to die in an industrial shredding accident, and I will be a happy man.

Happy ‘Straya day

As it’s ‘Straya day tomorrow, I thought I would list some things that I love about the old colony..

Enjoy yourselves!

Kylie Minogue

My sister wishes she was this hot!

Elle McPherson

Hubba, hubba, hubba!

Natalie Imbruglia

I am torn, do I stay at work, or spend my days stalking you?!

Toni Collette

I want to marry Toni Collette!

Guy Pearce

Rack off Ramsey!


Ha ha, I wear kidz clothes, how wacky!

Rolf Harris

Can you see what it is yet?

Richie Benaud

Off white, or the bone today, Faye?

Stuart Law

bowling rocks, in the hot sun, I fought the Law, and the Law won!

The Twelth Man

“Gottim’! Yes! Piss off! You’re out! That’s fucked his average Tony!”


A couple of additions. Thanks Miss-Field

Cate Blanchett

Perfect.  That is all.

Tim Tam’s

Probably not as good as Penguins, but it’s close!

Ha Ha Hayden..
January 25, 2008, 12:54 am
Filed under: Cricket | Tags:

Had my boxing class tonight, which hurt like a motherf*cker.

My gym is on Haydon Street, which reminds me of the FatHeadFlatTrackBully, so was a great incentive to beat ten bells of shite out of the bag/pads!

The real reason for the post, is….


Hayden was shown at the beginning of todays Australia – India game, dropping Dhoni from last night, then missing one in the warm up.

The missed one, hit him square in the knackers.

Right on middle stump, that’s got to hurt.

Time for a scrap boys… M-V
January 24, 2008, 3:57 pm
Filed under: Cricket

Continuing where I left off earlier today. 

Monty Panesar

I am a Sikh Warrior.  We have a long and colourful history, and we love a scrap!

Look at him, all haloed up..

As long as he doesn’t ensnare me in his 10inch hands and strangle me to death, I’ve got the MontSter all worked out.

Victory to me.

Phil Mustard

I’m hot and spicy, and i’m also a tabloid journalists dream..

Mustard may be hot and delicious.  I need to be a little careful with this fella.

His nickname is Colonel, too.  Colonel Mustard always did someone in with a blunt instrument, in the library.

Victory for Mustard.

Owais Shah

They don’t call me Ace for nothing, sunshine..  I’ve just dealt you the Ace Of Spades!

Old Acey baby… He looks like I Imagine Shalimar the Clown to be..  Therefore he’s a super killer, with no emotions.

Therefore he wins.  Shit.

Ryan Sidebottom

Ooh I could crush a grape!

No, I’m not having this. 

Have you ever seen his pathetic attempts to look angry, on the field of play.  He’s about as scary as Stu’ Francis.

“Ooh I could jump off a doll’s house”

“Ooh, I could wrestle with a Barbie Doll”

Suave wins in five, TKO.

Andrew Strauss

As a Wing Commander in HM RAF, I was trained in hand to hand combat.  Bring it on Suave!

RAF Trained, wears pink cricket shirts.   I imagine Strauss to be a weeper and bed wetter.

All over inside three, Suave winning with a right cross, left uppercut combination!

Graeme Swann

I’m a joker, with a penchant for a lay in..

Swanny would be too busy trying to cut my tie, or put deep heat in my pants.

A Glasgow kiss, and a tweaked nipple, and I’m victorious in eight.

Michael Vaughan

I am Virgil, I have the full backing of my thunderbird friends!

Now skipper’s a different kettle of chips..  Tough player, rubbish athlete, can’t catch for toffee..

If he gets the rest of his Thunderbird mates in tow, I’m in real trouble.

If not, I’ve got the plan.

First up, full blown kick to the dodgy knee.  He’s down, and I’m in control.  After that, it’s an hour or so of torture and Suave wins again.

It’s been proved categorically, that I would hammer most of the English Cricket team.

I now expect an open top bus ride, around London, and an MBE!