Suave's Republique Cricket

Chakh De India

As The Libertines once sang…. My word that was fun, and he did it with his hat on, and a saddle and a gun..

In this case, the saddle was the weight of responsibility on a little man from Mumbai, and the gun, was a massive chunk of willow, that dispatches bowlers with such elegance.
Sachin Tendulkar, we salute you!

It’s also for Sehwag, who reminds me of a cricket bat wielding autistic. He’s like Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man. I don’t think he has a clue what he’s doing, but smiles serenely and smashes. Oh Joy!

This was right up there with one of the greatest test matches you’re likely to see.. It had everything, resolute batting, fuck em all, I am a destroyer batting, let’s save my career for the umpteenth time batting, seam bowling masterclasses from one bowler per side, and much more…

A quick review of the individual Indian performances…

Virender Sehwag.   One failure, and one outrageous onslaught, god like genius.

Gautam Gambhir.  Looks like a world class opening batsman now, and a perfect foil to Viru.

Rahul Dravid.  Time to go auld fella, your stock is falling faster than the world financial markets…

Sachin Tendulkar. Simply wonderful.

VVS Laxman.  Not his best test with the bat, and he’s still an ‘orrible fielder.  Nearly ready for the knackers yard!

Yuvraj Singh.  Got mugged in the first innings, by Flintoff & Harmison but he went away and came back much stronger.  Was superb alongside Sachin to get them to the finish line with plenty to spare.

M S Dhoni.  Fuck he’s got big balls.  Superb effort, oh motorcycle man.  If there’s any one in world cricket that I would like to trade places with, at the moment it’s this fucker..

H Singh. Good batting in the first innings to give the boys a chance, but fuck he’s rubbish with the ball in India.  Also, he needs a proper slap from someone, just shut up you cock!

Zaheer Khan. You sir, are turning into a quality seam bowler.  How he still averages over 30 is beyond me..

Amit Mishra. So so effort from the little fella, will get better.

Ishant Sharma. Not his best test by a long stretch.  Had some major run-up issues, and gave away too many NB’s.  Just didn’t look himself.  Maybe it’s the hair cut, maybe he’s Samson in disguise?

A birthday post
December 1, 2008, 10:48 am
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: , , , , ,
For Shes a jolly good fellow, and so say fatty and skinny!

For Shes a jolly good fellow, and so say fatty and skinny!

It’s Kent Superfan, Sarah’s birthday,  and it was Durham fan, Douglas Charlton’s birthday yeserday, so I’ve been exceedingly good, and created a post specifically for them.  I’ll try to do this for any birthdays of readers that I know.  Unfortunately, whether I actually do it, depends entirely on my mood.  Today, good, therefore nice lad, here’s a treat.  Tomorrow, raging sociopath, probably not going to happen… You catch my drift?

Love from Rahul Dravid

Love from Rahul Dravid

A big Happy Birthday to you both.

IPL gets underway!

The IPL has officially started with Bangalore Royal Challengers v Kolkata Knight Riders at Bangalore.

Bangalore, who are officially “The Most Boring C*nts In The World”, really shouldn’t win a game in this tournament, with players like Dravid, Kallis & Chanderpaul.

Kolkata have lost the services of Shoaib Akhtar after his five year ban, but have Ishant Sharma & Umar Gul, the wily Murali Kartik and David Hussey.

As I’m on holiday, with little access to Internet, or results, I’ve got no f*cking idea who’s won.

I’ll guess it was Knight Riders, and they win by three wickets or thirty runs.

If I’m wrong, then the world is stupid.

If I’m right, then the world is ace, and everyone except me is a doodyhead.

India in “Bejaasus, we’ve been spanked like a tory politician!”

Jaffer, textbook defence to a short ball from SA.

India, after capitulating so terribly on the first day’s play, have metaphorically been handed their arses on a plate, by an angry South Africa.

I reckon they were pissed off at having to bowl for three days on a shitty road, in the last test match. No fast bowler likes that sort of thing.

So they took their frustrations out on India in this one.

India have lost by an innings at 90 runs, inside three days. Ha!! That’s appalling. (To any of my Indian viewers, feel free to abuse me all you like, if SA do the same to The England, in this summers forthcoming test series!)

All round, this is a shoddy performance, from an overworked side. These guys should be looking for a rest after this test series, but they won’t get one, as the greedy f*ckers have all jumped on the IPL’s big bucks wagon..


Vehement letter C denier, A B De Villiers, scored a superb double century, and was ably supported by the most boring batsmen, ever to have lived, Jacques Kallis (close run thing between Kallis and Boycott, but Boycott edges him out, by being a funny old bastard).

The best quick in world cricket at present, Dale Steyn also took 8 wickets in the match, with superb pace bowling. He mixes his length, pace, and angles superbly, and looks so much smarter than most other quicks. He’s got about three different paced bouncers, which is horrible to face as batsman. Averaging 21.41 with a strike rate of 35. Scarily good.

Makhaya (I never touched her) Ntini. A good display from their most experienced bowler, with six important wickets in the match.

Irfan Pathan. Ended the match with 64 no. Two innings, not out both times. However, like the rest of the Indian fasts, he was poor with the ball.


The Indian top four. Jaffer, Sehwag, Dravid & Laxman. 109 runs from two innings, from that quartet of quality. That’s shit, with a capital SHIT!

The Indian pace attack. Sreesanth, RP Singh & Pathan. Three quick bowlers took 2 for 249. Compare that to South Africa’s quartet, who took 19 for 309, and you see where it all went wrong.


Gary Kirsten has a shit load of work to do before the final test, if India are to salvage a drawn series here. They will be missing Sachin again, so the top four really need to step up. Sehwag’s OK, after his mammoth score last test, but Jaffer, Dravid & Laxman need to start scoring big, and scoring at a decent clip.

Their fast bowlers look out of sorts, RP Singh especially, he’s looked shit in both of these test matches, and really needs to up his game, to return to the form he showed against The England last summer.

Greatest Indian innings…

After last weeks momentous innings from the leader of Sehwagology. I was thinking about how great it really was on the grand scheme of things.

Image snaffled from the wonderful Cricket=Action=Art

Image from Cricket=Action=Art

I’ve decided that it’s not that bloody momentous, as the match ended in a bore draw, and it was a wicket that was flat and useless.

Alongside that, it hasn’t turned a series in to a winning position, as the Indians are currently getting spanked by 350 runs in the 1st innings of the second test. This is not looking good.

In my humble opinion, actually scrap that, I’m not humble, I’m an egomaniac! I mean my always right, never wrong, superhuman opinion, VVS Laxman’s innings against ‘Straya in 2001 pisses all over it.

Why so Suave? I hear you ask.

Because I bloody said so, that’s why.. Did you not read the last sentance? I’m always right, and that should be enough for you, you cheeky bleeders. Why if I were a violent man, I’d be taking my belt to you this instant, for the insolence!

Also, because that innings won the test match and eventually the series. Without that innings, Australia would have gone 2-0 up in the series, and it would have been all over. They had won the first test by a comfortable 10 wickets (bit of an understatement, that), and were so in command of this test match after two days, that it looked like a formality.

However VVS, ably supported by the perennial bridesmaid, Rahul Dravid, somehow combined to negate the threat of the axis of early noughties evil, McGrath, Warne & Gillespie, to give India a chance in the test match. Then Harbhajan Singh and Sachin Tendulkar stepped up, to take the wickets necessary to win the game.

VVS has a real love of ‘Strayan batting, averaging 50.63. That’s not bad at all, learned friends (he only averages higher against teh Windies & NZ).

This is the most momentous innings I’ve ever seen.

Although I did once score 102no in a wednesday night 20-20 game. That was pretty special. Their bowling attack was only marginally weaker than ‘Straya. In fact, it was four blokes who had probably never bowled in their lives. However, you can only play what’s in front of you!

Another Image snaffled from Cricket=Action=Art.

Image from Cricket=Action=Art

What are your thoughts dear readers? Is it Sehwag or VVS?

Six word reviews. India vs South Africa

As yesterdays six word review of The England & New Zealand went down so well, I shall continue..

Today, I enter the realms of the subcontinent to poetically describe the Indians and South Africans.

South Africa

Greame Smith: Bear like opener, flat track bully

Neil Mackenzie: Shitting old fella, good on roads.

Hashim Amla: Bearded wonder Jrod hates to watch.

Jacques Kallis: Think of him having sex, disgusting!

Ashwell Prince: Boring c*nt, IPL didn’t want him.

A B De Villiers: God botherer, lives with evil Morkels.

Mark Boucher: Best keeper in world cricket? Maybe..

Morne Morkel: Sounds like a super villain, evil.

Paul Harris: Like Tufnell, marginally better with bat

Dale Steyn: Quick, makes bangladesh cry for mummy

Makhaya Ntini: Definitely not a rapist, no siree.


Virender Sehwag: Batshit batsman, smashes quicks for fun

Wasim Jaffer: Done by a jaffer, not again!!

Rahul Dravid: The Wall, like watching paint dry.

Sachin Tendulkar: Little Master likes Aussie attacks. Genius.

Sourav Ganguly: Lord Snooty. Up his own arse.

VVS Laxman: Graceful, batters aussies, everyone loves that!

Mahendra Singh Dhoni: Swashbuckling keeper, likes young lads, oooh!

Anil Kumble: Former official god, doesn’t turn it.

Harbhajan Singh: Mouthy twat, should concentrate on bowling!!

RP Singh: Suave looking, swings it both ways.

Sree Sreesanth: Mentalist, proper fucking loony. Bowl, Idiot!

Please shut up already… Not you Andre, you’re stupid and funny!

I’ve been too busy at work and home to really knock anything of substance out, over the last couple of days.

There are two things that are boring my pants off today, and that is…

This Indian/Australian bullshit.  Can we stop now.  I mean right now, hey you! stop blogging about it, or I’ll cut your fingers off!

 This picture in no way makes me look homosexual..

 What I would like to say though, is happy birthday to Rahul Dravid.  He’s been in a shocking run of form recently, but seems to be finding his feet again.  It would be nice to see him end the tour of Australia on a high, and then smash the Saffers into the ground when they visit at the end of Summer.  

South Africa v West Indies.  Bloody hell, they’ve just declared 417 runs in front, with over three days to go..  This will be shit, unless Shiv can bat for a couple of days on his own. I expect this to last until the end of tomorrow, and they can all have a few days off, which will be nice.

 I’m a fat headed, flat track bully, and I worship at the shrine of Haydos!

Graeme Smith is almost as annoying as Matthew Hayden.  He actually looks as though he wants to be him.  He’s a flat track bully, and he’s got a beautiful girlfriend, so therefore must be hated by one and all.

I actually heard that he eats kittens and puppies for elevenses, the fat fuck.  At least Haydos has the balls to eat actual orphan children!  Oh dear god, I think whilst typing this, my hate for Matthew Hayden has fallen below that of Graeme Smith for the first time in history.  This can only end badly, with missing children, kittens, puppies and the four horseman of the apocalypse appearing on the horizon.

Run for the hills, is all I can say!

I don’t sniff my sisters panties, honest!

On a lighter note,

Andre Nel, however is wonderful, and I saw a great quote on by Rahul Bhattacharya

“I did not find Andre Nel offensive; I found him silly, endearing and entertaining. To take him seriously was to miss something”

As I’m sure Uncle J Rod at Cricket With Balls would agree with.

That’s about all I can think of at the moment, and it’s late friday afternoon.   I need beer and curry, or tea and crumpets.