Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Ajantha Mendis, Andrew Flintoff, Church Of Sehwagology, Cricket, Gautam Gambhir, Kevin Pietersen, MS Dhoni, Muttiah Muralitharan, Nathan Bracken, odi, Sehwagology, Sohail Tanvir, stuart broad, Virender Sehwag, Younis Khan, Yuvraj Singh
Top run scorer, firenghi lookalike, allround 2008 superstar.
Again, if you disagree, I will come down on you harder than the Spanish Inquisition!
Averaged 54, with a strike rate of 94. Top batting against subcontinental superstars this year.
Captained The England to a magnificent series win against South Africa, whilst smashing them everywhere. Is about the only player in The England who can actually play botf formats of the game.
Annoying prick. Destroyer of The England. Averaged 108 against us. Useful left arm filth too.
MS Dhoni (Wk) Capt.
Winner. Of. The. World.
Along with Pietersen, mangled South Africa. Averaged 50 with the bat, and 21 with the ball in 2008. That is stunningly good.
Breakthrough year for Ricky Schroder, took 32 wickets at 25 and averages over 20 with the bat. A good solid no 8.
Consistently Australia’s best ODI bowler. 31 wickets at 18. If only he didn’t look like a fucking girl.
Brilliant in all short forms of the game. Bowls off the wrong foot, weird windmill action, and looks like an actionman.
What can you say about a man who took 48 wickets at 10.16. Just freakishly good. He’ll get worked out soon, and that average will rise, but don’t expect it to rise too much. This boy has a world of talent.
Probably the only year in the last 10 that this fella didn’t make it into my side. But if it was a spinning track, I’d go with two spinners, and he’d be second choice.
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Amit Mishra, Chakh De India, Chennai, Cricket, England, First Test, Gautam Gambhir, Harbajhan Singh, india, Ishant Sharma, mahendra Singh Dhoni, MS Dhoni, Rahul Dravid, Sachin tendulkar, Virender Sehwag, VVS Laxman, Zaheer Khan
As The Libertines once sang…. My word that was fun, and he did it with his hat on, and a saddle and a gun..
In this case, the saddle was the weight of responsibility on a little man from Mumbai, and the gun, was a massive chunk of willow, that dispatches bowlers with such elegance.
Sachin Tendulkar, we salute you!
It’s also for Sehwag, who reminds me of a cricket bat wielding autistic. He’s like Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man. I don’t think he has a clue what he’s doing, but smiles serenely and smashes. Oh Joy!
This was right up there with one of the greatest test matches you’re likely to see.. It had everything, resolute batting, fuck em all, I am a destroyer batting, let’s save my career for the umpteenth time batting, seam bowling masterclasses from one bowler per side, and much more…
A quick review of the individual Indian performances…
Virender Sehwag. One failure, and one outrageous onslaught, god like genius.
Gautam Gambhir. Looks like a world class opening batsman now, and a perfect foil to Viru.
Rahul Dravid. Time to go auld fella, your stock is falling faster than the world financial markets…
Sachin Tendulkar. Simply wonderful.
VVS Laxman. Not his best test with the bat, and he’s still an ‘orrible fielder. Nearly ready for the knackers yard!
Yuvraj Singh. Got mugged in the first innings, by Flintoff & Harmison but he went away and came back much stronger. Was superb alongside Sachin to get them to the finish line with plenty to spare.
M S Dhoni. Fuck he’s got big balls. Superb effort, oh motorcycle man. If there’s any one in world cricket that I would like to trade places with, at the moment it’s this fucker..
H Singh. Good batting in the first innings to give the boys a chance, but fuck he’s rubbish with the ball in India. Also, he needs a proper slap from someone, just shut up you cock!
Zaheer Khan. You sir, are turning into a quality seam bowler. How he still averages over 30 is beyond me..
Amit Mishra. So so effort from the little fella, will get better.
Ishant Sharma. Not his best test by a long stretch. Had some major run-up issues, and gave away too many NB’s. Just didn’t look himself. Maybe it’s the hair cut, maybe he’s Samson in disguise?
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Alastair Cook, Andrew Flintoff, Andrew Strauss, BCCI, Chakh De India, Charlie Brooker, Cricket, ECB, First Test, Gautam Gambhir, Greame Swann, Ian Bell, india, james anderson, jimmy anderson, Kevin Pietersen, Little master, mahendra Singh Dhoni, Matt Prior, Mohali, Monty Panesar, MS Dhoni, paul collingwood, Sachin tendulkar, Steve Harmison, The England, Virender Sehwag, Yuvraj Singh
One really should have time to process that sort of result, before jumping on tinternet to post, but you know what, fuck it, that’s not my style.
Firstly, congratulations to India, on an unprecedented fourth innings chase on Indian soil. You boys, under that young buck Dhoni, have BALLS OF STEEL!
Secondly, The England, you can all fuck right off, you bunch of jumped up little pissdrips. How the fuck do you lose a game from that position? By being weak cunts, that’s how. I’d like to rip your fucking hearts out, and stamp on them wearing my cricket spikes.
I’m gonna take it easy on three, maybe four people, the rest of you deserve to be HULK SMASHED into oblivion.
Andrew Strauss. You sir, get a slight reprieve, although a good fucking slap is required so you can get a pissing move on! All of the Indian team seemed capable of batting at strike rate of over 50, yet you couldn’t.
Alastair Cook. You mascara wearing little fucktard. Learn to hit over the top, learn to sweep, or piss off and die, you shitting cockface.
Ian Bell. The Sherminator should be sherminated. Get Shah in, and let this ineffectual, whining little snotface rot in the bog of eternal stench.
Kevin Pietersen. The man is a cunt. Can’t bat in the sub-continent (Averages under 30), and needs to learn, fast. I let him off as a skipper, as he does have three bowlers who are too fucking impotent, that even Viagara wouldn’t help em.
Paul Collingwood. Just give it up, please! Too fucking slow, too fucking ugly. As Bumble rightly said “if he was playing outside your house, you’d shut the curtains”. Alas, he has to stay as he’s one of only two or three players who can play in the sub-continent.
Andrew Flintoff. He’s not, and hasn’t been for a long time, a batting all-rounder. He’s a bowling all-rounder, and a fucking good one at that. Move him down to seven, and get Prior in before him.
Matt Prior. A batsmen who keeps, nothing more. I’ll let him off for now.
Greame Swann. Deserves to stay, and along with Fred looked like the only person capable of getting a wicket.
James Anderson. You are shit, utterly shit, you may even be crafted entirely of shit. Grow some balls, or fuck off. You get the full suave smashing.
Steve Harmison. CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT. I know, let’s bowl short and wide of off stump to Sehwag, he’ll do fuck all with that.
Monty Panesar. PRICK. PRICK. PRICK. Every time I see this big handed bambi twat, I want a smash an empty beer glass right into his bearded face.
India, here at La Republique, I salute you.
Chakh De India!
Special mention goes to Virender Sehwag, for being a god. Gautam Gambhir, for looking like a ferenghi, but being fucking good with it, Tendulkar, for being un-fucking-believable for so long, and to Yuvraj, for being such a swaggering man cock.
More on India individually later, as they deserve no rage.
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Balaji, bryce mcgain, Chamara Kapugedera, Chennai Super Kings, Damien Fleming, IPL, Jaipur, james anderson, Kolkata Knight Riders, Leicester, mahendra Singh Dhoni, MS Dhoni, park, quiz, Rajasthan Royals, Shah Rukh Khan, Shane Warne, Stuart McGill, Suresh Raina
And thank fuck for that. 59 games, come now, that’s too much!
Rajasthan Royals won the inaugural IPL tournament. Which I think most people expected to happen, as soon as the topped the league format.
See they were a bit streetsmart about the whole she-bang. They are run by the company that also manages Leicester, the most successful 20-20 in England. They bought a shrewd, super tactician in Warney, and then built a team around individual roles. They did it on the cheap, and everyone laughed at them. I wonder how Shah Rukh Khan is feeling now?
Deserved winners, and it was a cracking final to be honest. CSK played a decent part themselves, but Dhoni fucked up big time, at two important junctures. Firstly he sent in Kapugedera after Raina, which went wrong, horribly. He’s been in a poor run of form and lost the CSK momentum. And Secondly, he gave the last over to Balaji, who had bowled shit all night. Oops.
Also, Fleming in a dress? What the bejaasus was that all about?
In other news, Stuart McGill has done a Damien Martyn. I wonder if he’ll disappear of the face of the earth, like Marto did?
To be fair to Stuey, it takes balls to admit that you’re past it half way through a test match, but he’s been bowling absolutely shockingly of late. Longhops, wides, full tosses. It’s been like watching a spinning version of Jimmy Anderson!
Good luck with the wine and TV show Stuey, you were too good for those louts. Anyone who reads 12 books on a tour to Pakistan, is all good.
Bring back Nice Bryce I say!
And Park, I’m sorry I haven’t created your Made up picture of pure delight yet, but I promise it’ll be here today!
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Anil Kumble, Cricket, Greame Smith, Harbhajan Singh, india, Ishant Sharma, Jacques Kallis, MS Dhoni, Paul Harris, Saurav Ganguly, South Africa, Virender Sehwag
Well, Jrod got his prediction right, and India have won within three and half days, to draw the test series with South Africa.
MS Dhoni captained the Indians, in the absence of Anil Kumble. he performed rather well, I thought. He had Singh open the bowling, which worked a treat.
As expected, on a pitch that’s slow, with uneven bounce, and a raging turner, Harbhajan Singh performed admirably. Virender Sehwag also proved an excellent support act, after the little leggy, Chawla (must have been busy with his lusty thoughts, all leggies are lusty, some lusties are leggies, therefore all leggies are lusty, or some such gubbins), proved to be shit.
Viru’s first delivery of his first spell, ripped, spat, bit, called Kallis’ lovemaking in to question, molested his sister, fornicated with his Aunty, and had him caught off the glove by Jaffer.
Not bad for a part-time off-spinner. No lust there, offies are not lusty. They’re dusty,
Heroes & Villains
Saurav Ganguly. His first innings 87 really was outstanding, and gave India the lead they needed to turn over the chokers.
Virender Sehwag. Just because. No more needs to be said.
Ishant Sharma. For being a gangly freak, who bowls nicely and looks like a praying mantis.
MS Dhoni. For being captain marvel, and saving India’s blushes with some inspired skippering.
The whole South African team, for being South african.
Paul Harris. For being a worse spinner than India’s part timers. Fucking hell man, you get paid to SPIN and take wickets. On a raging turner, with uneven bounce, most spinners would be looking at four or five wickets per innings. He took 4-147. Wanker.
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: AB De Villiers, Dale Steyn, Gary Kirsten, india, Irfan Pathan, Jacques Kallis, King Cricket, Makhaya Ntini, MS Dhoni, Rahul Dravid, RP Singh, Sachin tendulkar, Sourav Ganguly, South Africa, Sree Sreesanth, Virender Sehwag, VVS Laxman, Wasim Jaffer
India, after capitulating so terribly on the first day’s play, have metaphorically been handed their arses on a plate, by an angry South Africa.
I reckon they were pissed off at having to bowl for three days on a shitty road, in the last test match. No fast bowler likes that sort of thing.
So they took their frustrations out on India in this one.
India have lost by an innings at 90 runs, inside three days. Ha!! That’s appalling. (To any of my Indian viewers, feel free to abuse me all you like, if SA do the same to The England, in this summers forthcoming test series!)
All round, this is a shoddy performance, from an overworked side. These guys should be looking for a rest after this test series, but they won’t get one, as the greedy f*ckers have all jumped on the IPL’s big bucks wagon..
Vehement letter C denier, A B De Villiers, scored a superb double century, and was ably supported by the most boring batsmen, ever to have lived, Jacques Kallis (close run thing between Kallis and Boycott, but Boycott edges him out, by being a funny old bastard).
The best quick in world cricket at present, Dale Steyn also took 8 wickets in the match, with superb pace bowling. He mixes his length, pace, and angles superbly, and looks so much smarter than most other quicks. He’s got about three different paced bouncers, which is horrible to face as batsman. Averaging 21.41 with a strike rate of 35. Scarily good.
Makhaya (I never touched her) Ntini. A good display from their most experienced bowler, with six important wickets in the match.
Irfan Pathan. Ended the match with 64 no. Two innings, not out both times. However, like the rest of the Indian fasts, he was poor with the ball.
The Indian top four. Jaffer, Sehwag, Dravid & Laxman. 109 runs from two innings, from that quartet of quality. That’s shit, with a capital SHIT!
The Indian pace attack. Sreesanth, RP Singh & Pathan. Three quick bowlers took 2 for 249. Compare that to South Africa’s quartet, who took 19 for 309, and you see where it all went wrong.
Gary Kirsten has a shit load of work to do before the final test, if India are to salvage a drawn series here. They will be missing Sachin again, so the top four really need to step up. Sehwag’s OK, after his mammoth score last test, but Jaffer, Dravid & Laxman need to start scoring big, and scoring at a decent clip.
Their fast bowlers look out of sorts, RP Singh especially, he’s looked shit in both of these test matches, and really needs to up his game, to return to the form he showed against The England last summer.