Suave's Republique Cricket


ODI Team Of The Year 2008

Gautham Gambhir

Top run scorer, firenghi lookalike, allround 2008 superstar.

Virender Sehwag

Again, if you disagree, I will come down on you harder than the Spanish Inquisition!

Younis Khan

Averaged 54, with a strike rate of 94.  Top batting against subcontinental superstars this year.

Kevin Pietersen

Captained The England to a magnificent series win against South Africa, whilst smashing them everywhere.  Is about the only player in The England who can actually play botf formats of the game.

Yuvraj Singh

Annoying prick.  Destroyer of The England.  Averaged 108 against us.  Useful left arm filth too.

MS Dhoni (Wk) Capt.

Winner.  Of.  The.  World.

Andrew Flintoff

Along with Pietersen, mangled South Africa.  Averaged 50 with the bat, and 21 with the ball in 2008.  That is stunningly good.

Stuart Broad

Breakthrough year for Ricky Schroder, took 32 wickets at 25 and averages over 20 with the bat.  A good solid no 8.

Nathan Bracken

Consistently Australia’s best ODI bowler. 31 wickets at 18.  If only he didn’t look like a fucking girl.

Sohail Tanvir

Brilliant in all short forms of the game.  Bowls off the wrong foot, weird windmill action, and looks like an actionman.

Ajantha Mendis

What can you say about a man who took 48 wickets at 10.16.  Just freakishly good.  He’ll get worked out soon, and that average will rise, but don’t expect it to rise too much.  This boy has a world of talent.

12th Man

Muttiah Muralitharan

Probably the only year in the last 10 that this fella didn’t make it into my side.  But if it was a spinning track, I’d go with two spinners, and he’d be second choice.



Test Team Of The Year 2008

Greame Smith.

This should be obvious.  Scored shitloads of runs, is the best 4th innings batsman in world cricket.  If you had a run chase, you’d want this man in there.

Virender Sehwag.

Is the leader of the Church Of Sehwagology, and no more needs to be said.  Any that disagree on this selection, get burned at the stake like the witches they are!

Gautham Gambhir

Averaged over 70 for the year.   Was not out under 55mins once this year.  Scored at a clip of at least 3 rpo in every innings.

Kevin Pietersen

This was a tough choice.  It was either KP or Sachin.  Sachin’s probably appeared in a billion others top test team, so I went with KP.  KP averaged a couple of points higher, scored about 50 runs less, it was that close.  KP gets it, for being more innovative.  That switch hit, is a thing of beauty.

Shivnarine Chanderpaul

Lord Megachief of Gold averages 105 for the last two years.  More difficult to get out, than bloodstains on a fresh white carpet.  Is part of the holy trinity too, so you burn, if you disagree.

M S Dhoni (Wk) Captain

Dhoni, is actually the worst wicket keeper out of the top five sides.   Boucher, Haddin & McCullum all had more dismissals than him.  Even wanky wicky Ambrose has a higher percentage of dismissals per innings.  So as a keeper, he’s a bit shite.   But…  The boy’s got balls of steel, can bat beautifully, and is a marvellous captain.  So for that reason, he’s in.

Andrew Flintoff

He get’s the all-rounder nod, because I love him, and want his children.  The 10 deliveries that scared shitless, Jacques Kallis, one of the worlds best batsman, at Edgbaston should be enough.

Dale Steyn

74 wickets at 20.  Fast, accurate and strangely for a South African, humble and pleasant.

Mitchell Johnson

Is easily the best bowler in Australia, and was second highest wicket taker in world cricket this year.  If he can learn to swing the ball at his pace, he will be unplayable.

Ryan Sidebottom

Easily forgotten, since his injuries, but was amazing all winter, and most of early summer.  He picked up 47 wickets in 8 test matches at an average of 20.2, that my friends is quality bowling.   The boy can swing it too.  Let’s hope that the bad back sorts itself out, and that he’s firing for The England again soon.

Ajantha Mendis

Because he’s a freak.  Because he’s Splendid Mendis, and as he’s part of the Holy Trinity of The Church Of Sehwagology, you have to have him in the side.

12th Man.

I’ve gone for Hashim Amla.  So improved this year.  Was a lovely batsman to watch.

So there you have it.  Suave’s suavest XI.  You can disagree if you like, just add your comments.

Remember though, if you do disagree, I will have to hulk smash you!

Much love.



Chakh De India

As The Libertines once sang…. My word that was fun, and he did it with his hat on, and a saddle and a gun..

In this case, the saddle was the weight of responsibility on a little man from Mumbai, and the gun, was a massive chunk of willow, that dispatches bowlers with such elegance.
Sachin Tendulkar, we salute you!

It’s also for Sehwag, who reminds me of a cricket bat wielding autistic. He’s like Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man. I don’t think he has a clue what he’s doing, but smiles serenely and smashes. Oh Joy!

This was right up there with one of the greatest test matches you’re likely to see.. It had everything, resolute batting, fuck em all, I am a destroyer batting, let’s save my career for the umpteenth time batting, seam bowling masterclasses from one bowler per side, and much more…

A quick review of the individual Indian performances…

Virender Sehwag.   One failure, and one outrageous onslaught, god like genius.

Gautam Gambhir.  Looks like a world class opening batsman now, and a perfect foil to Viru.

Rahul Dravid.  Time to go auld fella, your stock is falling faster than the world financial markets…

Sachin Tendulkar. Simply wonderful.

VVS Laxman.  Not his best test with the bat, and he’s still an ‘orrible fielder.  Nearly ready for the knackers yard!

Yuvraj Singh.  Got mugged in the first innings, by Flintoff & Harmison but he went away and came back much stronger.  Was superb alongside Sachin to get them to the finish line with plenty to spare.

M S Dhoni.  Fuck he’s got big balls.  Superb effort, oh motorcycle man.  If there’s any one in world cricket that I would like to trade places with, at the moment it’s this fucker..

H Singh. Good batting in the first innings to give the boys a chance, but fuck he’s rubbish with the ball in India.  Also, he needs a proper slap from someone, just shut up you cock!

Zaheer Khan. You sir, are turning into a quality seam bowler.  How he still averages over 30 is beyond me..

Amit Mishra. So so effort from the little fella, will get better.

Ishant Sharma. Not his best test by a long stretch.  Had some major run-up issues, and gave away too many NB’s.  Just didn’t look himself.  Maybe it’s the hair cut, maybe he’s Samson in disguise?



Well Fuck My Old Boots.
You little master bater.

You little master bater.

One really should have time to process that sort of result, before jumping on tinternet to post, but you know what, fuck it, that’s not my style.

Firstly, congratulations to India, on an unprecedented fourth innings chase on Indian soil.  You boys, under that young buck Dhoni, have BALLS OF STEEL!

Secondly, The England, you can all fuck right off, you bunch of jumped up little pissdrips.  How the fuck do you lose a game from that position?  By being weak cunts, that’s how.  I’d like to rip your fucking hearts out, and stamp on them wearing my cricket spikes.

I’m gonna take it easy on three, maybe four people, the rest of you deserve to be HULK SMASHED into oblivion.

Andrew Strauss. You sir, get a slight reprieve, although a good fucking slap is required so you can get a pissing move on!  All of the Indian team seemed capable of batting at  strike rate of over 50, yet you couldn’t.

Alastair Cook. You mascara wearing little fucktard.  Learn to hit over the top, learn to sweep, or piss off and die, you shitting cockface.

Ian Bell.  The Sherminator should be sherminated.  Get Shah in, and let this ineffectual, whining little snotface rot in the bog of eternal stench.

Kevin Pietersen. The man is a cunt.  Can’t bat in the sub-continent (Averages under 30),  and needs to learn, fast.  I let him off as a skipper, as he does have three bowlers who are too fucking impotent, that even Viagara wouldn’t help em.

Paul Collingwood.  Just give it up, please! Too fucking slow, too fucking ugly.  As Bumble rightly said “if he was playing outside your house, you’d shut the curtains”.   Alas, he has to stay as he’s one of only two or three players who can play in the sub-continent.

Andrew Flintoff.   He’s not, and hasn’t been for a long time, a batting all-rounder.  He’s a bowling all-rounder, and a fucking good one at that.  Move him down to seven, and get Prior in before him.

Matt Prior. A batsmen who keeps, nothing more.  I’ll let him off for now.

Greame Swann.  Deserves to stay, and along with Fred looked like the only person capable of getting a wicket.

James Anderson. You are shit, utterly shit, you may even be crafted entirely of shit.  Grow some balls, or fuck off.  You get the full suave smashing.

Steve Harmison.  CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT.  I know, let’s bowl short and wide of off stump to Sehwag, he’ll do fuck all with that.

Monty Panesar.  PRICK. PRICK.  PRICK.  Every time I see this big handed bambi twat, I want a smash an empty beer glass right into his bearded face.

India, here at La Republique, I salute you.

Chakh De India!

Special mention goes to Virender Sehwag, for being a god.  Gautam Gambhir, for looking like a ferenghi, but being fucking good with it, Tendulkar, for being un-fucking-believable for so long, and to Yuvraj, for being such a swaggering man cock.

More on India individually later, as they deserve no rage.



IPL, McGill and an apology to Park!

It’s over.

And thank fuck for that.  59 games, come now, that’s too much!

Rajasthan Royals won the inaugural IPL tournament.  Which I think most people expected to happen, as soon as the topped the league format.

See they were a bit streetsmart about the whole she-bang.  They are run by the company that also manages Leicester, the most successful 20-20 in England.  They bought a shrewd, super tactician in Warney, and then built a team around individual roles. They did it on the cheap, and everyone laughed at them.   I wonder how Shah Rukh Khan is feeling now?

Deserved winners, and it was a cracking final to be honest.  CSK played a decent part themselves, but Dhoni fucked up big time, at two important junctures.  Firstly he sent in Kapugedera after Raina, which went wrong, horribly.  He’s been in a poor run of form and lost the CSK momentum.  And Secondly, he gave the last over to Balaji, who had bowled shit all night.  Oops.

Also, Fleming in a dress?  What the bejaasus was that all about?

In other news, Stuart McGill has done a Damien Martyn.  I wonder if he’ll disappear of the face of the earth, like Marto did?

To be fair to Stuey, it takes balls to admit that you’re past it half way through a test match, but he’s been bowling absolutely shockingly of late.  Longhops, wides, full tosses.  It’s been like watching a spinning version of Jimmy Anderson!

Good luck with the wine and TV show Stuey, you were too good for those louts.  Anyone who reads 12 books on a tour to Pakistan, is all good.

Bring back Nice Bryce I say!

And Park, I’m sorry I haven’t created your Made up picture of pure delight yet, but I promise it’ll be here today!



India in “we’ve turned it around, and now it’s those saffers getting spanked” shocker!

Well, Jrod got his prediction right, and India have won within three and half days, to draw the test series with South Africa.

MS Dhoni captained the Indians, in the absence of Anil Kumble. he performed rather well, I thought. He had Singh open the bowling, which worked a treat.

As expected, on a pitch that’s slow, with uneven bounce, and a raging turner, Harbhajan Singh performed admirably. Virender Sehwag also proved an excellent support act, after the little leggy, Chawla (must have been busy with his lusty thoughts, all leggies are lusty, some lusties are leggies, therefore all leggies are lusty, or some such gubbins), proved to be shit.

Viru’s first delivery of his first spell, ripped, spat, bit, called Kallis’ lovemaking in to question, molested his sister, fornicated with his Aunty, and had him caught off the glove by Jaffer.

Not bad for a part-time off-spinner. No lust there, offies are not lusty. They’re dusty,

Any way, it ended up a drawn series, which was a good recovery from India, after getting spanked in the first test

Heroes & Villains

Heroes

Saurav Ganguly.  His first innings 87 really was outstanding, and gave India the lead they needed to turn over the chokers.

Virender Sehwag.  Just because. No more needs to be said.

Ishant Sharma.  For being a gangly freak, who bowls nicely and looks like a praying mantis.

MS Dhoni.  For being captain marvel, and saving India’s blushes with some inspired skippering.

Villains

The whole South African team, for being South african.

Paul Harris.  For being a worse spinner than India’s part timers.  Fucking hell man, you get paid to SPIN and take wickets.  On a raging turner, with uneven bounce, most spinners would be looking at four or five wickets per innings.  He took 4-147.  Wanker.



India in “Bejaasus, we’ve been spanked like a tory politician!”

Jaffer, textbook defence to a short ball from SA.

India, after capitulating so terribly on the first day’s play, have metaphorically been handed their arses on a plate, by an angry South Africa.

I reckon they were pissed off at having to bowl for three days on a shitty road, in the last test match. No fast bowler likes that sort of thing.

So they took their frustrations out on India in this one.

India have lost by an innings at 90 runs, inside three days. Ha!! That’s appalling. (To any of my Indian viewers, feel free to abuse me all you like, if SA do the same to The England, in this summers forthcoming test series!)

All round, this is a shoddy performance, from an overworked side. These guys should be looking for a rest after this test series, but they won’t get one, as the greedy f*ckers have all jumped on the IPL’s big bucks wagon..

Winners

Vehement letter C denier, A B De Villiers, scored a superb double century, and was ably supported by the most boring batsmen, ever to have lived, Jacques Kallis (close run thing between Kallis and Boycott, but Boycott edges him out, by being a funny old bastard).

The best quick in world cricket at present, Dale Steyn also took 8 wickets in the match, with superb pace bowling. He mixes his length, pace, and angles superbly, and looks so much smarter than most other quicks. He’s got about three different paced bouncers, which is horrible to face as batsman. Averaging 21.41 with a strike rate of 35. Scarily good.

Makhaya (I never touched her) Ntini. A good display from their most experienced bowler, with six important wickets in the match.

Irfan Pathan. Ended the match with 64 no. Two innings, not out both times. However, like the rest of the Indian fasts, he was poor with the ball.

Losers

The Indian top four. Jaffer, Sehwag, Dravid & Laxman. 109 runs from two innings, from that quartet of quality. That’s shit, with a capital SHIT!

The Indian pace attack. Sreesanth, RP Singh & Pathan. Three quick bowlers took 2 for 249. Compare that to South Africa’s quartet, who took 19 for 309, and you see where it all went wrong.

Conclusion

Gary Kirsten has a shit load of work to do before the final test, if India are to salvage a drawn series here. They will be missing Sachin again, so the top four really need to step up. Sehwag’s OK, after his mammoth score last test, but Jaffer, Dravid & Laxman need to start scoring big, and scoring at a decent clip.

Their fast bowlers look out of sorts, RP Singh especially, he’s looked shit in both of these test matches, and really needs to up his game, to return to the form he showed against The England last summer.