Suave's Republique Cricket


How to bring down Sehwagology, Part I
Danny V was fast as lightning!

Everybody was Kung-Fu fighting...

How do you get rid of Lord Sehwag, when he’s in great nick?

Ask Daniel Vettori, The Geek of Tweak!   According to this photo, it’s Kung Fu.

If you wanna bring down the big man, get the auld Bruce Lee skills out.

Danny V obviously has the skillz to pay the billz, and got Our Lord with some martial art madness!

So bowlers of the world, get down to your local Dojo’s and get training.  It’s the only way!



Stupid Kiwi Administracats
September 29, 2008, 11:06 am
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: , , , ,

Now kids, you’ve signed a new deal with sportswear manufacturers Canterbury for a new kit and kaboodle.

You look to your squad of players, and think “who would look good in this, and model this kit to it’s best”.

I know that most of my lovely lady readers would pick Daniel Vettori, maybe Brendan McCullum as a bit of rough?

I don’t know, I understand less about womens minds than I do global economics, and complex Belgian politics.

Shit, Uh'm a fucking ugly son of a bitch!

They're SuperMegaFugly's with a bastard arsehole twist

But Scott Styris, fucking hell, he looks like he comes from a very small gene pool.

Chris Martin’s not too bad, but surely they could have come up with two better looking fella’s than that?!

Stupid Kiwis



Six word analysis of England – New Zealand test series.

Being a dictator of your own republic, I get to make the rulez.

Six word reviews, for everyone that played more than two tests in the series.  I can’t be bothered with all these shit heads that played one test.

The England

Alastair Cook: Stupid eyeliner wearing dickhead, fucking rubbish.

Andrew Strauss: Wants to play NZ every week!

Michael Vaughan: Looks great at getting himself out

Kevin Pietersen: Scratches around until last game again!

Ian bell: fucking ginger twat.  Suave HULK SMASH!

Paul Collingwood: Time to be put to pasture?

Tim Ambrose: good with gloves, rubbish with bat

Stuart Broad: Too many pies, bats lovely though..

Ryan Sidebottom: Not great, but averaged 20. Bizarre.

Jimmy Anderson: Good, shit, good. Superb in Nottingham

Monty Panesar: One-spell series, superb oop north.

The Old Zealand

Aaron Redmond: Dear lord, this lad is SHIT!

Jamie How: Solid, dependable, not really that good.

Brendan McCullum: Not three, too mental for that.

Ross Taylor: Looks a lovely player. CALM DOWN!

Daniel Flynn: not bad, suspect to short ball.

Jacob Oram: Miserly with ball, 231 runs, somehow

Daniel Vettori: smacked around as skipper, bowled alright

Kyle Mills: good no 8 batsman, bowling rubbish.

Ian O’Brien:  Scares small children, he’s that ugly.

Chris Martin: Bowled cack, Batting is really cack

James Marshall:  Shitter than his brother.  Super shit?



What drove stephen fleming to become a gay?

Maybe it was seeing McGrath in those pantaloons?

I wish I knew, random visitor, I wish I knew..

It could be that he saw Glenn McGrath in those shiny pantaloons.

Maybe it’s the animal attraction of Daniel Vettori (Miriam would switch allegiances for him).

Or the lust created by being near The Perfect Boyfriend

Alternatively, it could be the fact that he gets to play with Scott Styris.

Any one of these, is sure to test the average heterosexual..



Six word reviews. The England vs New Zealand

After reading a great article here. I’ve decided to do a six word review of every player, from every test match nation.

I shall start, as is my wont, with the recently victorious The England, and their plucky opposition New Zealand

The England

Alastair Cook: Promises much, will he deliver soon?

Michael Vaughan: Michael Vaughan thinks Michael Vaughan’s wonderful. (can i get away with Vaughan’s? You Decide)

Andrew Strauss: Wing Commander needs to soar again.

Kevin Pietersen: Ever told you I am great?

Ian bell: Foreplay beautiful, intercourse over in seconds.

Paul Collingwood: Gritty northener, shovels to leg often.

Tim Ambrose: Australian wanky wicky, we shall see.

Stuart Broad: Boy band bowler, looks very good.

Ryan Sidebottom: Lion of Huddersfield likes to roar.

Jimmy Anderson: Hot wife, hot and cold bowling

Monty Panesar: Sikh of Tweak fields like spastic.

The Old Zealand 

Matthew Bell:  miss, swing, swing, miss, miss, out.

Jamie How:   How indeed?  better in ODI’s, shit.

Stephen Fleming:  Plays wonderfully until fifty, then out.

Matthew Sinclair:  Fuck I’m shit, Shoot me please

Ross Taylor:  Did well, will get found out.

Grant Elliot:  If test quality, god help us.

Brendan McCullum: Smash bang wallop, shit dropped it.

Daniel Vettori:  Used to Bowl, now a batsman.

Tim Southee:  Buck toothed young buck comes good.

Jeetan Patel:  Bowl better than skipper, still dropped.

Chris Martin: Comical batting, used to have hair.

Coming tomorrow, India vs South Africa or West Indies vs Sri Lanka



The England fight their way from absolute shit, to a bit shit.

I play with a bunch of halfwits.. lucky I’m not bad, eh!

Kevin Pietersen got the runs that were obviously saved in his run bank, and by doing so, saved The England’s blushes.

After last nights super angry RANT, I’ve calmed down a touch, and will provide a proper analysis of the days play.

Michael Vaughan is still stupid.

Strauss is going to be whipped within an inch of his life, if I get hold of the posh twat.

Cook needs to be sent back to county cricket to work out where his off-stump is. Stupid naked cricketer.

Collingwood needs to push on, and make a good score soon. Ambrose is forgiven as he’s new and he’ll need a little run in the side to get used to international cricket.

Stuart Broad was superb in making 42no, and supported KP ably with a 61 run partnership.

From a NZ point of view, Young buck Tim Southee bowled superbly to take 3/43.

Martin and Elliott were excellent in support, both taking a wicket.

Jeetan Patel took 2 and supported his skipper nicely.

Vettori looked a bit flat to be honest, but his captaincy was good.

It’s going to be an interesting day tomorrow. Stuart broad needs to push on and get us over the 300 run mark. If he can, it’ll give us a small chance.



Third Test Preview

Oh dear! At the risk of getting some serious abuse in five days time, The England will win this test match, and the series.

New Zealand have lost their two best bowlers from this series, in Jacob Oram and Kyle Mills.

They’ve replaced them with Grant Elliot a dirty saffer, all-rounder. His first class form looks OK, with an average of 28 with the bat, and 34 with the ball. I don’t think he’s going to trouble The England too much, but I’ve never seen the man play.

Mills is replaced by young buck Tim Southee, for a proper piece of journalism about this fella pop over to Cricket With Balls. When I say proper journalism, I mean Ice cream of consciousness blogging. But what blogging!!

He looks as though he could be someone to look out for, after being voted player of the tournament at the recent u19 world cup, but he’s no Shane Bond.

Jeetan Patel comes in for Angry Man Gillespie, which should bog The England’s middle order down no end. We really need to start scoring at a better rate against him and Vettori. It’s said that The England struggle playing spin, but the county championship is full of left arm orthodox and off spinners. It’s a matter of rotating the strike. If you watch Clarke, Hussey and Ponting playing spin, they take lots of singles, and then smash the bad balls.

As for The England, it looks as though the team will remain unchanged, although their are small doubts about Collingwood and Anderson. Andersons ankle knack is still a bit sore, but he should be fit. Collingwood has bruised his calf muscle, but again, he should be fit to play.

Players to watch..

The England

Kevin Pietersen. KP since being married has turned into a full blown The Englishman, which means he has no luck, gets out in the 20’s and 30’s a lot, and never goes on to score big. He’s going to pummel an attack soon, and this attack really should be it.

Stuart Broad. Young stud had a great 2nd innings in Wellington, showing proper aggressive fast bowling. This is going to be a very different surface, but if you want to be one of the best bowlers in world cricket, you need to learn to take wickets on all kinds of pitches.

Kiwi Land

Tim Southee. He’s got a chance to get himself on to the team bus to The England, if he performs in this test. If he gets smashed, it could see him quickly back to first class cricket with no more cricket for a few months. We’re going to see the character of this young buck on show tonight.

Daniel Vettori. If it’s as slow as it was in Hamilton, Vettori’s going to be a proper handful. His batting has been superb recently, but his bowling figures are a fair bit below fellow left arm orthodox spinner Monty Panesar so far.

My prediction is for The England to win this test comfortably.