Suave's Republique Cricket

Jimmy Fucking Anderson
Fuck me the boy's got good!!

Please be good against the big boys Jimmy!

Somewhere along the lines, my thought process has changed.  Not necessarily for the better to be fair.

I used to hate Greame Smith, now I don’t mind him.

I spent many long hours wanting to smash Jimmy Anderson’s head in, now I don’t.

This is perturbing.

Alas, as we get older, we grow wiser.  Well some of us.  By us,  I mean you lot, not me, obviously, or Ian Botham, we’re both pickle brained fucknuts, but I digress.

I now believe we have a good opening bowler.

This is a man who has learnt to swing the ball both ways at pace.

That my friends, is fucking dangerous.

He averaged 29.84 for 2008, and is currently averaging 26.85 for 2009.   Pretty good figures them.

But, before Ceci jumps on me, for hypocrisy (I rather bagged him back in March over at the Lovely King Cricket).  Let’s look at his averages again.

Since 2006/7 Ashes.

Series Average Strike Rate
Aus v Eng



Eng v Ind



Eng v SL



NZ v Eng



Eng v NZ



Eng v SA



Ind v Eng



WI v Eng



Eng v WI












Still not good enough I’m afraid..

Compare his stats to Mitchell Johnson, or Dale Steyn, or Ishant Sharma, or Shane Bond, or Peter Siddle.  He doesn’t compare.

I want fast/swing bowling that actually smashes peoples jaws, stumps and batsman’s confidence.

Jimmy’s not there yet.  I hope he gets there, because it’ll be a blast seeing him uprooting off-stumps of Aussies this summer, but he’s yet to do anything significant against any of the top 5.

It’s all well and good smashing Kiwi’s & Windies players who don’t want to be here, but can you smash the Aussies or the Saffers (who we face this winter).

That’ll be the true test of his character.

So I’ll hold out on the Jimmy Anderson Wankfest until early 2010 if you don’t mind.

Chakh De India

As The Libertines once sang…. My word that was fun, and he did it with his hat on, and a saddle and a gun..

In this case, the saddle was the weight of responsibility on a little man from Mumbai, and the gun, was a massive chunk of willow, that dispatches bowlers with such elegance.
Sachin Tendulkar, we salute you!

It’s also for Sehwag, who reminds me of a cricket bat wielding autistic. He’s like Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man. I don’t think he has a clue what he’s doing, but smiles serenely and smashes. Oh Joy!

This was right up there with one of the greatest test matches you’re likely to see.. It had everything, resolute batting, fuck em all, I am a destroyer batting, let’s save my career for the umpteenth time batting, seam bowling masterclasses from one bowler per side, and much more…

A quick review of the individual Indian performances…

Virender Sehwag.   One failure, and one outrageous onslaught, god like genius.

Gautam Gambhir.  Looks like a world class opening batsman now, and a perfect foil to Viru.

Rahul Dravid.  Time to go auld fella, your stock is falling faster than the world financial markets…

Sachin Tendulkar. Simply wonderful.

VVS Laxman.  Not his best test with the bat, and he’s still an ‘orrible fielder.  Nearly ready for the knackers yard!

Yuvraj Singh.  Got mugged in the first innings, by Flintoff & Harmison but he went away and came back much stronger.  Was superb alongside Sachin to get them to the finish line with plenty to spare.

M S Dhoni.  Fuck he’s got big balls.  Superb effort, oh motorcycle man.  If there’s any one in world cricket that I would like to trade places with, at the moment it’s this fucker..

H Singh. Good batting in the first innings to give the boys a chance, but fuck he’s rubbish with the ball in India.  Also, he needs a proper slap from someone, just shut up you cock!

Zaheer Khan. You sir, are turning into a quality seam bowler.  How he still averages over 30 is beyond me..

Amit Mishra. So so effort from the little fella, will get better.

Ishant Sharma. Not his best test by a long stretch.  Had some major run-up issues, and gave away too many NB’s.  Just didn’t look himself.  Maybe it’s the hair cut, maybe he’s Samson in disguise?

India in “we’ve turned it around, and now it’s those saffers getting spanked” shocker!

Well, Jrod got his prediction right, and India have won within three and half days, to draw the test series with South Africa.

MS Dhoni captained the Indians, in the absence of Anil Kumble. he performed rather well, I thought. He had Singh open the bowling, which worked a treat.

As expected, on a pitch that’s slow, with uneven bounce, and a raging turner, Harbhajan Singh performed admirably. Virender Sehwag also proved an excellent support act, after the little leggy, Chawla (must have been busy with his lusty thoughts, all leggies are lusty, some lusties are leggies, therefore all leggies are lusty, or some such gubbins), proved to be shit.

Viru’s first delivery of his first spell, ripped, spat, bit, called Kallis’ lovemaking in to question, molested his sister, fornicated with his Aunty, and had him caught off the glove by Jaffer.

Not bad for a part-time off-spinner. No lust there, offies are not lusty. They’re dusty,

Any way, it ended up a drawn series, which was a good recovery from India, after getting spanked in the first test

Heroes & Villains


Saurav Ganguly.  His first innings 87 really was outstanding, and gave India the lead they needed to turn over the chokers.

Virender Sehwag.  Just because. No more needs to be said.

Ishant Sharma.  For being a gangly freak, who bowls nicely and looks like a praying mantis.

MS Dhoni.  For being captain marvel, and saving India’s blushes with some inspired skippering.


The whole South African team, for being South african.

Paul Harris.  For being a worse spinner than India’s part timers.  Fucking hell man, you get paid to SPIN and take wickets.  On a raging turner, with uneven bounce, most spinners would be looking at four or five wickets per innings.  He took 4-147.  Wanker.

India in “We can play on turning, slow and low wickets” shocker

India have bowled out The Evil Empire, for 265 in the first innings of the third test.

India need a win, to draw the series, and retain whatever trophy it is they’re playing for (is it the Cronje-Bookies trophy?).

South Africa started brightly, by getting to 152-1, with Bear-like fuckhead, Matthew Hayden wannabe, hitting 69, and Hashim Amla continuing his good run of late (live average of 76.75), with a 51.

They then fell apart and lost the other 9 wickets for 113.

Ashwell (i’m f8cking tedious, me) Prince, carried on in the style we’ve become accustomed too, of late, and now averages 11.5 for the tour.  Evil Morne Morkel averages more!


Ishant Sharma, after a shocking start, spraying it around left, right and unfortunately not centre, ended up with 3-55.  Harbhajan Singh took 3-53, and was backed up by Sehwag & Yuvi with their part time spinners.

Sreesanth, the shithead crazy fool, is still fucking rotten though.  Averaging 88 with the ball.  Now when you look at that compared to any of the Saffer quicks, you’ll see that it’s pony and trap.

Morkel averages 45, Ntini, 21 & Steyn 18.

This should be the sort of pitch, that Indian batsman thrive on, but it’s not going to be easy.  They’ll be facing probably the best fast bowling attack in world cricket at the minute, and the pitch seems to have all sorts of Gremlins.  SA really need to get their lines right though, as they only have Harris for spin, if the seamers fail.

Game on.

World News Today

I’m gonna smash you up, behind the bikesheds, ya flamin drongo!

Matthew Hayden is still a bear like, orphan eating fuck head. He called Harbajhan Singh an “obnoxious little weed”, and then offered a gangly 19yr old to a boxing match.. ooh, tough guy! Proper school bully like, that.

“I don’t like what you said to me, so I’m gonna biff you up”.

What happened to “Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against one of your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the LORD”

God bothering twat.

And please, can we all stop complaining about sledging. It’s part of the game, and always will be.

Do as Michael Vaughan did, in 2005. Ricky Ponting was sledging him as he came in to bat, and he retorted “Who the fuck do you think you are, Steve Waugh”. It shut him up, and they moved on.

King Cricket summed up the situation rather nicely, I thought.

This is a quote so beautiful, we couldn’t believe our eyes when we first read it. It’s BCCI secretary Niranjan Shah in response to Ishant Sharma’s fine for aggressive behaviour and it’s so good it’s getting a paragraph of its own and appearing in italics.

“Basically the Australian players are starting the whole thing.”

‘But they started it.’ Has there ever been a stronger defense than that. That ALWAYS works, doesn’t it?

During the next match, we fully expect Ricky Ponting to fire his finger into the air when Australia are in the field and shout ‘TELLING’, before marching off to find a figure of authority.

Andrew Strauss looks as though he’ll play in the first test against New Zealand, after proving that he’s in the form of his life, by scoring 4 from 25.
I can only hope that he fails against the Dunedin XI, and the selectors finally realise he’s FUCKING SHIT!!!!

I’m feeling the rage today, so there’s every chance I’ll go postal, with Geoff Miller. Geoff Miller will be talking to people in the third person, through a wired jaw, if Strauss does play.

Bradley Hogg has retired, which means that I will no longer have to put up with that fucking retarded tongue, haunting my dreams.

How on earth could a woman have sex with a man that leaves his tongue hanging out of the side of his mouth, every time he does anything that requires effort.

Here endeth the rant.

Sri Lanka in “we’re shit in pyjamas”, shocker!

Hubba hubba hubba…  I hope she’s not shit in pyjamas.

(Miss Sri Lanka 2006, Jacqueline Fernandez

Bloody nora…

Sri lanka, are worse than everybody at one day cricket!!

How can a team with Jayawardene, King Kumar, Murali, Malinga & Vaas, be so poor in this series?

They seem to have lost the ability to bat, for any length of time. If King Kumar or Jayawardene fail, the whole team does.

Chamara Silva looked promising, Dilshan flatters to deceive, and the rest of them are shit.

Jayasuriya, come in now, your time is up.. Poor old benevolent Uncle, he should be put out to pasture now.

They just haven’t been able to keep up, with an unusually poor ‘Strayan side (although them damn aussies keep winning), and a fairly strong Indian side.

The yoofs in this Indian side, are coming on a real treat.. Ishant Sharma continues to look dangerous, taking four wickets today. Praveen Kumar also looks like a tidy bowler.

fast bowling, hardest game in the world, 30 years man and boy.

The slightly worrying thing for India, is what in hell has happened to Munaf Patel!!!!

I watched his first ever test match, against The England, and he ripped us apart, taking seven wickets..

He had good line and length, pace, swing, both normal and reverse, he had toe crushing yorkers, he probably had a massive schlong, the best looking girlfriend, and was really popular too!

But now, fuck my old boots, the fella is ugly as sin, has a tiny weener, no one likes him, he can’t bowl yorkers, or swing the ball.

Seeing as the Aliens left the Tasman Devil, Ponting, this weekend, I reckon they’ve found a new home

A weekend of wonderment.

A few things happened over the weekend (I very rarely touch t’internet, as I don’t get paid for it over that precious time!)

Kiwi’s lulling us into a false sense of security!

It appears my Hulk Smash predictions, have already come to bite me on the arse (and a rather suave arse it is, if I do say so myself).

New Zealand bowled The England out for a measly 130. Ace Shah, involved in all three run outs. Cook coming in for Luke Wright and being a bit shit. Bopara came in for the Sri Aussie superstar, and stayed true to his recent form, by being absolutely shit. The long hop he smacked to a fielder, would have been smashed out of the park, if he was wearing his Essex pyjamas..

Ian Bell had the following to say, in his column in The Independent.

“But hats off to the Black Caps. They went into the match under enormous pressure and they responded really well. They bowled superbly straight on the drop-in pitch and fielded like tigers. We suffered three run-outs, which typified our efforts on the day a bit.

It shouldn’t have happened, but in our defence I’d make the point about the peculiarity of New Zealand grounds. Many of them are primarily rugby stadiums – for which purpose they were built – which makes for some odd pitch placements and boundary perimeters.

It also means there is no conventional square so that a ball, struck from a drop-in pitch, is effectively travelling over a rugby pitch, softer, springier turf making the ball hold up.”

Which translates as…

We were shit, they were good, but it’s them bloody rugby stadiums wot done it. we wuz scared Jonah Lomu was going to come and sack us.

Wing Commander Andrew Strauss

Had another shocker, scoring 10 before losing his wicket, to the truly amazing, bestest bowler in the universe, Iain O’Brien.  That boy is good (and in true Coming to America style), Good and terrible!

Australia vs India, MCG.

A game took place at the MCG yesterday too, which was played on a pitch, that seemed to be made of treacle. How is it that King Probot managed to score 65 no, whilst no one else seemed to be able to hit it off the square. Maybe this is what makes him one of the top ODI players in world cricket? He looks average at all times, yet scores lots on really shit pitches.. Stranger things have happened at sea.

Ishant Sharma, at his mark, ready to deliver a rising ball to the shoulder of YOUR bat!

Ishant Sharma had a cracking game, with 4-38, which would have been much better had he not been smashed for 18 off one over.  Super bowling from the young fella, he was pitching just short of a good length, and really getting it to lift.  Ponting was fending just under his chin, and it still took the shoulder of the bat.

I remember when Stephen Harmison used to be able to do that.

Let’s hope that Sri Lanka can raise their game, and make this CB series as interesting as it looks on paper.