Suave's Republique Cricket

Captain Fuckwit
Don't tell anyone, but I'm shit in the subcontinent!

Don't tell anyone, but I'm shit in the subcontinent!

Can’t bat in the subcontinent, and plays with a fractured rib.

Surely that would restrict your movement somewhat, I know it did when I broke my ribs.  I couldn’t move at anywhere near full capacity for months!

So what is the stupid saffer halfwit doing playing?  Did no-one think that it might be a bad thing?  Fuck off you stupid grinned cockmunch.

I do despair sometimes, and at other times I feel like hulk smashing.

Today is one of those days.

Patrick Kidd over at Line & Length calls for the replacement of one of the useless fucking knobend opening bowlers.  He reckons we should replace Jimmy “I’m a wet fucking Blanket” Anderson or Stephen “I’m a weak in the head wanker” Harmison, with Amjad Khan.  Obviously Patrick was much nicer in his words, but the sentiment was the same I’m sure..  Back to the Danish wunderkind Amjad, the boy is pretty quick, he can reverse swing the ole nut, and he can’t be any fucking worse than them other two shitforbrains (I say that without ever seeing bowl a first class delivery)!

He also called for Panesar to go.  Too fucking right I say.  That bucket handed bambi twat needs to disappear for a long time.

Why not send the idiot to Australia for club cricket for the rest of their summer?

There he’ll have to learn some guile, or he’ll be smashed into oblivion.  Either way we win.  If he gets smashed into oblivion, he quits and takes up some IT job in Brum.  If he learns his craft, we have a world class spinner back in the ranks.

They’ve got to replace him with my young buck, Adil Rashid.  Give him a go, he’ll at least get Tendulkar’s wicket.  He loves to give a debutant spinner his wicket.   Basically Tendulkar is a Cricket Shark.   Give the fella an easy first wicket, they raise their hopes, think that they’ve just got the best batsman in the world out, so they must be a great bowler, then get smashed about for the rest of their career by him, (see Monty Panesar and Cameron White) The sneaky fucker..

Talking of Tendulkar, visit Dear Kingy for his take on Tendulkar.  It’s FUCKING GENIUS.

One day I intend to have Alex’s babies  (just don’t tell him yet, it’ll be a surprise!).

Lastly, let the Sherminator get Sherminated,  so that we can bring back Ace.   He’s fucking good in the subcontinent, he’s wristy and the lad can manipulate the strike.   At least get three blokes who can do that in the side.   Strauss, Shah & Colly are the only proper  batsmen who seem to be able to rotate, although Rashid is no mug with the bat either, and as he’s of Asian descent, he must be wristy too.

Here endeth the rant.   Carry on, nothing to see..

Is he an alabaster retard?
August 28, 2008, 11:56 am
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: , , , ,

It’s good to see Durham are still playing on uncovered pitches oop north.

We’re only half way through day two and 20 wickets have fallen for 250 runs. 

Is it any wonder Lord Bobert Of Key got so pissed off with the pitch inspectors recently.  This being after their championship game lasted three days.

Now, I’ve never played on that wicket but it does look like a medium pacers paradise.  Hampshire bowler Dangeranus took 5/45, then super Mark Davies took a superb 8/24 for Durham.

Did he done poop in Geoff Millers house?

Did he done poop in Geoff Millers house?

I’m not sure what’s wrong with the lad, there must be something, he’s taken 209 FC wickets @ 21.57 excluding this match, (Fucking hell, how good is that? That’s a rhetorical question by the way)  yet he’s constantly ignored by selectors. 

Does he stink of rancid shit?

Does he have a penchant for small children?

Is he secretly an alien?

Is he really a viking warrior?

How the fuck would I know, I’m in a stupid godforsaken country that’s proud to be associated with the worst vegetable in the world!

A Fail just for King Cricket!

A Fail just for King Cricket!

Dear King Cricket, the most anti-social of cricket bloggers has threatened to bounce me off the moon if I don’t create a FAIL Picture.  Admittedly, he’d have to leave Manchester and talk to people to find me, so I’m sure I’ll be fine!

Alas, here it is, just for you.   However, I’ve only made Jacques Kallis a Fail, rather than an Epic Fail, as the bowling he was facing, was of the highest quality you’re likely to see.  Flintoff was on fire, and he had Kallis plumb in front, which alarmingly Dar turned down?  Fred was pissed.   There’s no finer bowler in world cricket than an angry Fred, with 30,000 people roaring him on!

Tipping Velvet Part Deux
June 20, 2008, 11:56 am
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: , , , ,

As joint runner up in the short form tipping comp at SportsFreak, alongside King Cricket, I have to share my picks with the rest of the group.   As ever, I’m the last one to do it, as I require deadlines to get me into action.

Here are my tips

1. ODI at Portishead Park: Winner

I’m going leftfield here.  No Result, due to rain.

2. Portishead Park: Highest run-scorer

No-one, as there will not be a match.
3. PP: Most wickets

No-one here either.

4. ODI at Fosters Oval: Winner

The England.  Because NZ are shit.

5. FO: Highest run-scorer

Ravi Bopara.  Well the boy’s got to start scoring at some point!

6. FO: Most wickets

Ryan Sidebottom.  The oval is notoriously flat, so only the best bowlers will get any wickets at all.

7. ODI at Lords (no funny titles appropriate there): Winner

The England.

8. Lords: Highest run-scorer

Ian Bell.

9. Lords: Most wickets

jimmy Anderson. I reckon it might swing, and if he gets the slope in his favour, he may cause havoc

10. Shortest innings in terms of balls faced excluding not out batsmen.

Tim Ambrose.  He’s shit, he’s a wanky wicky, and one of them there foreign fellas.

Mims’ Made Up Picture of Pure Delight!

After Mims stormed the competition, to guess the correct answer of Basil D’Oliveira from the weekly quiz of wonderment..

Here is her picture-metaphor, with a wink to King Cricket for the inspiration

A cat not being indifferent to cricket

Well done Mims, you’re a star.

The England Lions replaced by replicants.

Robert Key, was yesterday replaced by an evil replicant.  Unfortunately for those that made the trip to The Rose Bowl, Hampshireshire, the evil replicant was no match for the real super Rob, as it failed to get the ball off the square all morning.  The real robert sir robert, would have flayed them to all parts, whilst laughing maniacally!  HA HAA, BRING ME MORE PIES!  He might have said.

For a look at the real reasons for his dismissals, have a look at Kingy Cricketings here..

Michael Carberry also seems to have been replaced, with a lesser version of himself.  But seriously, who cares?  Not me, that’s who, and as I am all-powerful leader of the republic, I have a lot of say around these parts!

The Lions crawled, and when I say crawled, I don’t mean baby speed crawling, I mean bloke with broken leg, dragging himself down a fucking mountain, after nearly dying, crawling, to 48-0 at Lunch.

In the next session, they lost 5-40, and appeared to be on their way to a miserable little total, until Luke Wright decided to get medieval on their arses!

Yes, the little fella went batshit and scored 120 at a strike rate of 91, to put them up to a decent 280.

Hopefully, we’ll see the real Rob Key back today, directing the troops in the only way he knows.  MAGNIFICENTLY!!

Robert Key, Robert Key, opened up for Kent;

Rob Key Gets a lazy lob on for Kiwi bowlers

Robert Key, Robert Key, all knew what this meant;
Did he get out?
Was there any doubt?
Front foot clout;
Back foot clout;
Rob’s not out.

The Major Key (thanks to Miriam for this…), King Cricket’s favourite person, in the entire world (he’s close to being mine too), yesterday took the Kiwi bowlers to the sword. Not literally, you understand, metal bats were banned after that old fella Dennis Lillee got arsey.

He clubbed the hapless Kiwis for 178 not out. This now means he’s completed a hat-trick of hundreds against them. “This sort of kick-started my summer four years ago, so it’s a good omen,” said Key.

Sir Robert Of Kentington Key also had this to say..

“Sometimes you have teams as a batter and fortunately at the moment the New Zealanders seem to cop it.”

When asked what his chances of getting back into The England setup were, he said thus…

“There are a few guys scoring runs at the moment,” he said. “Ravi Bopara is getting a hundred most times he walks to the wicket, and Owais Shah is a fine player. A lot depends on what they need. If they need an opener, then I’ll go ahead, if it’s a No. 3, then maybe Owais [Shah], if they need someone to bowl a little bit, maybe Ravi [Bopara] … If they need an old bloke they’ve got Ramps.”

On present form, I’d have Key opening the batting with Strauss. Cook and Vaughan look awful at the minute. Right hand/left hand combo, both in touch, Ravi would replace Vaughan, with Bell at three.


News just in, Robert Key has been selected as captain of The England Lions, as he’s obviously a god.

That is all.