Suave's Republique Cricket

Captain Fuckwit
Don't tell anyone, but I'm shit in the subcontinent!

Don't tell anyone, but I'm shit in the subcontinent!

Can’t bat in the subcontinent, and plays with a fractured rib.

Surely that would restrict your movement somewhat, I know it did when I broke my ribs.  I couldn’t move at anywhere near full capacity for months!

So what is the stupid saffer halfwit doing playing?  Did no-one think that it might be a bad thing?  Fuck off you stupid grinned cockmunch.

I do despair sometimes, and at other times I feel like hulk smashing.

Today is one of those days.

Patrick Kidd over at Line & Length calls for the replacement of one of the useless fucking knobend opening bowlers.  He reckons we should replace Jimmy “I’m a wet fucking Blanket” Anderson or Stephen “I’m a weak in the head wanker” Harmison, with Amjad Khan.  Obviously Patrick was much nicer in his words, but the sentiment was the same I’m sure..  Back to the Danish wunderkind Amjad, the boy is pretty quick, he can reverse swing the ole nut, and he can’t be any fucking worse than them other two shitforbrains (I say that without ever seeing bowl a first class delivery)!

He also called for Panesar to go.  Too fucking right I say.  That bucket handed bambi twat needs to disappear for a long time.

Why not send the idiot to Australia for club cricket for the rest of their summer?

There he’ll have to learn some guile, or he’ll be smashed into oblivion.  Either way we win.  If he gets smashed into oblivion, he quits and takes up some IT job in Brum.  If he learns his craft, we have a world class spinner back in the ranks.

They’ve got to replace him with my young buck, Adil Rashid.  Give him a go, he’ll at least get Tendulkar’s wicket.  He loves to give a debutant spinner his wicket.   Basically Tendulkar is a Cricket Shark.   Give the fella an easy first wicket, they raise their hopes, think that they’ve just got the best batsman in the world out, so they must be a great bowler, then get smashed about for the rest of their career by him, (see Monty Panesar and Cameron White) The sneaky fucker..

Talking of Tendulkar, visit Dear Kingy for his take on Tendulkar.  It’s FUCKING GENIUS.

One day I intend to have Alex’s babies  (just don’t tell him yet, it’ll be a surprise!).

Lastly, let the Sherminator get Sherminated,  so that we can bring back Ace.   He’s fucking good in the subcontinent, he’s wristy and the lad can manipulate the strike.   At least get three blokes who can do that in the side.   Strauss, Shah & Colly are the only proper  batsmen who seem to be able to rotate, although Rashid is no mug with the bat either, and as he’s of Asian descent, he must be wristy too.

Here endeth the rant.   Carry on, nothing to see..

28 Comments so far
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If I was wittier, cleverer and swore more, I might have written that! My point being that I agree with all you say. Think I’d fall over if any of that came to pass though. Twatty selectors.

Comment by SarahCanterbury

I think you’d only need to improve on your swearing Sarah, the rest is there!

And they are twatty selectors!

You’re obviously improving day by day, yesterday was bum, poo, wee, now you’re up to twat! Marvellous effort, you’re learning quicker than the sikh of meek!

Comment by Suave

I’m attempting to learn from the masters that are JRod and your good self!

Tune in tomorrow and I may have raised my twat to a… (nah, on second thoughts am probably best not finishing that sentence!)

Comment by SarahCanterbury

I will wait on baited breath, to hear the end of that sentence!

Also, blimey O’Reilly…

Raising your twat! Fnarr Fnarr!

Comment by Suave

Your observation of Monty in Jrod’s blog was right. IT education ties you down to dogmas and deprives you of the ability to think and act smart (or use common sense). Blame it on Monty’s education. IT professionals should not be playing cricket.
However, Jumbo Kumble has an IT degree too.

Comment by 12th Man

Ah, that last comment rather pisses on my parade though 12th Man!

I think Kumble is special though, so we can ignore that and move on to the IT Geeks should not bowl at test match level!

I can’t imagine Shane Warne spent too much time with his head in the books (too busy with his head between naughty girls legs!)

Comment by Suave

No offence, but the calls for Rashid to be in the England team are mostly from people who didn’t see him play this past season.

The start of the ‘summer’ saw Adil struggle for form with both bat & ball – 7 wickets @ 68 from the first 5 CC games. Gough and Moxon should be applauded for sticking by him during that period. After that slow start, the wickets started to flow. But Adil still suffers from the inconsistency of youth. He drags balls short of a length too often, and for every county side he runs though, there are still occasions (away to Surrey in May, home to Kent in late August) where he fails to fully exploit conditions.

There is a big difference between bamboozling English county pros with legspin and doing the same to Indian batsmen. Adil discovered that playing against India for England A in 2007.

No one at Yorkshire has any doubts about Adil’s talent and the decision to take him on tour to gain experience was a sound one. But throwing him in, with no match practise for almost three months, against Sehwag, Tendulker, Laxman et al is a big gamble.

If he does play, I hope he does well. But I for one am fed up with seeing the careers of promising young players ruined by the England selectors inability to keep their hands out of the cookie jar.

He needs another year of experience under his belt. Keep the lads power dry till then.

Comment by lentheyorkshirekitman

A fair point you make there Len, but it didn’t stop Australia putting Shane Warne in to the Australian team early, or Mendis in the Sri Lankan side.

I’m not saying he is as good as either of them, but county cricket is not really the place to learn leg-spin. No-one can play leg spin, and the pitches aren’t conducive to it for the first few months. I just think it’s worth giving him a go, for the last test, as Monty is not fucking good enough.,

Comment by Suave

*waves at Len and sniffs again mournfully at his fb disappearance*

Comment by SarahCanterbury

“county cricket is not really the place to learn leg-spin”. But a test match against Sehwag is?

For every spinner selected at a young age that is successful, there are at least as many, if not considerably more that are never heard of again. That’s why I said it was a gamble. Countries like Sri Lanka, India, Pakistan and Australia (the Australia of a few years ago, not now) can afford to try inexperienced spinners. If they don’t come off, no worries, they can try the next one. Where exactly is England’s back-up to Rashid? Adil’s a valuable resource, almost unique, we should choose wisely when to use him, not as a knee-jerk reaction.

Comment by lentheyorkshirekitman

Whats-her-chops who supports Kent:

I’m still on fb, you just don’t know where.

Comment by lentheyorkshirekitman

Yes. Learn by playing against the best players of spin in the world. He averaged 25.22 against the indian sides last winter, when playing for The England A, so he’s proven he can bowl in those conditions..

He also averaged 57 with the bat. And this was against the best first class players in India.

There’s a couple of good young spinners, Michael Munday at Somerset looks half decent, Ollie Rayner at Sussex, and a few others that I can’t think of right now.

Comment by Suave

If you haven’t come looking for me, Len, then I have to assume you don’t want to be found!

Comment by SarahCanterbury


An Indian guy who played against Adil on the England A tour you mentioned was the overseas pro at the club of a regular poster on one of the Yorkshire supporter sites. They exchanged emails about the Indian team’s impression of Adil. Apparently they where very impressed with his batting, but hardly mentioned his bowling.

Btw: If you’d seen Adil’s batting last season you wouldn’t be talking it up, as it had regressed. He’ll be a fine batsman one day, but needs to tighten his technique, stop chasing wide balls early in his innings and correct a few problems that crept into his game last season.

The opinion of 99.9% of the people who watched Adil last year, was that he’ll be an England regular, but not for a season or so yet.

“Michael Munday at Somerset looks half decent”. I’ve never written this before on the Internet, but I’m going to break my duck now: LOL.


I’m busy updating LotSW. I don’t need distractions, however delightful they may be.

Si’thee later,


Comment by lentheyorkshirekitman

You could be right about Michael Munday, I only mentioned him as he takes shit loads of wickets for me in Internation Cricket Captain! He does average below 30 though, so he can’t be that bad, surely?

Comment by Suave

jrod and urself are awesome with the swearing stuff..i want to learn this fucking art!!!!

Comment by V

Then you’ve come to the right place!

No-one does sweary cricket ranting, quite like me 😉

Comment by Suave


Figures can be misleading. Most of Mundays wickets are against university sides. Against the counties his average is almost 40. He’s only ever had one stand out game – against Notts at the end of the 2007 season. Apart from that he’s not managed more than 3 wickets in an innings in any of the other matches.

Ollie Rayner looked a decent prospect when I saw him last season. But he’s three years older than Adil, has half the experience and is an offie.

England’s spin cupboard isn’t quite as empty as Australia’s, but it’s not far off. All the more reason to nurture what we do have.

Comment by lentheyorkshirekitman

Anil Kumeble has a mechanical engineering degree.Ditto for Javagal Srinath. Krish Srikkanth as well.Kris Srikkanth was Sehwag of the 1980s for India.IT has nothing to do with lack of creativity.You think Google is fucking non creative?.Or Apple is run by poets and journalists?

Comment by Dsylexic

No, but having a programmers logic, has millions to do with creativity.

Apple and Google, surround themselves with designers, creatives, marketing experts and the very best programmers. It takes all sorts to make it work.

Monty Panesar is a programmer, great logic, but can only work within limited thresholds.

Comment by Suave

let’s not forget the greatest IT-professional cricketer of them all:


Comment by miriam

We know of no such fella here.

All we know is “INSANE McGAIN”!!

He uses IT as a front for his criminal activities, according to my Indian Correspondant Jamish Singh Dorma!

Comment by Suave

Re: your earlier comment about Shane Warne, do you think having my head between naughty girls’ legs will turn me into a Test quality leg-spinner? I’m not even a garden-quality leggie at the moment, but if that’s what it takes to improve I’m willing to put the effort in!

Comment by Dave

Last we heard of ‘Insane Mcgain’ he was heading back to the Vic with a raging inferno for a brain.

The lovely folk in Melbourne were warned. No news since then.

I trust he’s stuck writing some algorithm somewhere.

Re-Len; I think you make a good point about Sri Lanka and subcontinental teams having enough spinners to try out. Mendis just got injured, we had at least 3-4 guys who can back him up with varying levels. India had Amith Mishra, Chawla, Murali Kartik and that young’un Mohnish Pawar.

If Adhil is as good as everyone makes him out to be, there is no shame in holding him back for a year or so. Why not send him down to SL or India for a stint, Even players like Murali nip over to India to play in the Ranjji trophy when they get a chance.

He wont learn much playing in England alone.

Buy some club in SL a years supply of Arrack and Adhil should have a spot in the team as a starter.

Comment by damiths

And Smug, cheek blowing fucktard KP better get his fucking shit together for the 2nd test.

Bulldozing a few runs in the ODIs when you are losing is something else. Making runs against Zackary and Adams apple is another matter.

He really is a shithouse in the sub-c, when he came over to our neck of the woods he got fucked up the ass by all our bowlers. His -plant front foot and wallop across the line to mid wicket shit doesnt work here.

Fuckwit better play straight in the 2nd test to avoid a colossal Hulk Smash.

Comment by damiths

I hear you Damith, my boy!

The ECB quibbling over a couple of grand to get their best finger spinner subcontinental practice, is shite..

Maybe they saw the sponsor pull out and realised they’d have no pennies.

Lucky Suave’s on the case!

Comment by Suave

Krish Srikkanth had an Electrical Engineering degree (I know – same college, and lived within a mile).

Nice thing you have going here.

Comment by TAM

TAM, thanks for that..

I’m glad that you like..

Comment by Suave

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