Suave's Republique Cricket

Oh dear lord, the end is nigh…
Cooky smashing a six, yes A SIX, on his way to 77 from 55.

Cooky smashing a six, yes A SIX, on his way to 77 from 55.

What the fuck is going on here?!

Alastair Cook took his recent smackdown show to Kent again.  Last week he scored 80 from 56 balls against the spitfires, this week 77 off 55.  So far in the 20/20 cup he’s scored 197 runs at an average of 49.25 and a strike rate of 139.  Wow.  Thems good figures eh…

I like this a lot.  I always want to see an Essex boy do well, but he’s consistently annoyed the shit out of me, by being the most tedious fucktard the world has ever seen.

He rarely hits the ball in the air, scores his runs in test cricket at a snails pace, and is generally a grinder.

I think a season playing List A cricket, and 20/20 will improve the boy no end.   He’s made it clear that he wants to be considered for The England in all types of cricket, which is an admirable statement, and one that he appears to be backing up.

I’m looking forward to the day, that I look at a The England pyjamas match, and don’t want to cut my face in to slithers because eyeliner is opening the batting.  Let’s hope it’s not too far round the corner.

Shoaib Akhtar Has Genital Warts
Shoaib shows his warts to Geoff Lawson

Shoaib shows his warts to Geoff Lawson

The PCB have just released a press statement saying that the skin problem Shoaib Akhtar was suffering from is genital viral warts!

What the fuck is that all about, surely they didn’t need to state exactly what was wrong with the fella?!

Who out there didn’t believe it to be an STD?

Not fucking many of you, I wager.

I’m glad they did mind, cos this is comedy gold!

This has got to be the first time anyone has been pulled from a tournament due to an STD, hasn’t it?

The dirty fucker,  and I mean that literally!  There’s going to be thousands of men & women all over the subcontinent and beyond, suddenly booking themselves into the local clap clinic.

I reckon that’s why Dildo went back to India, to get himself checked out.  We know he loves a bif of cock, and that’s why he’s not at the IPL now.  I wonder if Fake IPL Player has any news on this

Joy O’ Joy.

Fake IPL Player
May 20, 2009, 4:23 am
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: , , , , , ,
I'm a whore for hits

I'm a whore for hits

I’m a whore.

So are you, but that’s not the point.

I’m a whore, and I want hits again.

I need them, because I’ve not done a fucking thing on here in months.

So I’m writing this shit, to get me some hits.

Who is the fAKE IpL Player?  Who cares.   Not fucking me.

I know who it is though, so that makes my caring or lack thereof, an easier burden to carry.

Do you know who it is?

No, you don’t.  That’s cos you’re all ugly and you smell, whereas I am Suave.

If you really want to know, you need to watch an IPL game, then look in the mirror, and repeat three times.

What am I watching this shower of shit for?

What am I watching this shower of shit for?

What am I watching this shower of shit for?

The answer will be revealed to you, by Lalit Modi himself.  He will be raping your anus at the time, which should be nice.

Have fun with that, eh kids.

While we’re at it, remember that fake IPL player has publicly stated that he will be releasing his name and retiring today..

Oooh, that’ll be exciting.

How to bring down Sehwagology, Part II
Kung fu & dressing like The England.

Kung fu & dressing like The England.

As we learnt in part one, there are ways of getting Lord Sehwag out.

One, is Kung Fu.

The other, is to dress him up like he’s a The England player.

See what happens, get him in a navy blue & red outfit, and he automatically becomes shit.  Or maybe he’s scared of the

Fake IPL Player revealing his true identity as the one true Deity.

This may be lies, fabrications & half truths, but it’s a theory.  Just like creationism.

Shaggy, genius and a halfwit!
November 28, 2008, 2:07 pm
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: , , , , , , ,
He's old and stupid, but somehow superb!

He is a halfwit, but his mum loves him

Old shaggy Udal is a clever bloke, you’d imagine.  Not many players get to captain two seperate counties, but he has.  It seems though, that he’s getting a bit mad in the head, was it the shock of the recent terrorist strikes in Mumbai, or is it senility, alzheimers or plain alcoholism?  Our Indian Correspondent Jamish Singh Dorma, was on hand to find out…

JSD:  So Shuan, how did you feel when you heard the news of the attacks in Mumbai?

SU:  I was at home when I heard the news. I was in such a state of shock I had to get down to my local to get my head right.

JSD:  Bloody good way to deal with the stress, isn’t it..  What are your thoughts on the cancellation of the T20 Champions League, as announced by Lalit Modi?

SU: We won’t be boarding the flight in the morning, which will save me getting up in the morning, which is always a bonus.

What more can you add?  Shaun Udal, he’s alright!

IPL, McGill and an apology to Park!

It’s over.

And thank fuck for that.  59 games, come now, that’s too much!

Rajasthan Royals won the inaugural IPL tournament.  Which I think most people expected to happen, as soon as the topped the league format.

See they were a bit streetsmart about the whole she-bang.  They are run by the company that also manages Leicester, the most successful 20-20 in England.  They bought a shrewd, super tactician in Warney, and then built a team around individual roles. They did it on the cheap, and everyone laughed at them.   I wonder how Shah Rukh Khan is feeling now?

Deserved winners, and it was a cracking final to be honest.  CSK played a decent part themselves, but Dhoni fucked up big time, at two important junctures.  Firstly he sent in Kapugedera after Raina, which went wrong, horribly.  He’s been in a poor run of form and lost the CSK momentum.  And Secondly, he gave the last over to Balaji, who had bowled shit all night.  Oops.

Also, Fleming in a dress?  What the bejaasus was that all about?

In other news, Stuart McGill has done a Damien Martyn.  I wonder if he’ll disappear of the face of the earth, like Marto did?

To be fair to Stuey, it takes balls to admit that you’re past it half way through a test match, but he’s been bowling absolutely shockingly of late.  Longhops, wides, full tosses.  It’s been like watching a spinning version of Jimmy Anderson!

Good luck with the wine and TV show Stuey, you were too good for those louts.  Anyone who reads 12 books on a tour to Pakistan, is all good.

Bring back Nice Bryce I say!

And Park, I’m sorry I haven’t created your Made up picture of pure delight yet, but I promise it’ll be here today!

We are the angry mob.

Matthew Hayden: Great flat-footed grizzly bear. As Charlie Brooker once said Spirituality’ is what cretins have in place of imagination. That sums the oaf up perfectly.

Peter Moores: Stop fucking smiling you buck toothed twat. Glass half full bollocks, you win this series, then smile. Until then I want a miserable bastard, who looks like he’s going to set fire to the next batsman not to score a ton, or bowler to take a five fer.

Match Fixing: THere’s no way on earth that Chennai Pikey Fags should have lost yesterday. Some fucker’s fixed that.

Michael Vaughan: Smug twat. I could understand being so smug if your average was near the fatheadflattrackbully’s. BUT IT’S NOT!! YOU AVERAGE 42.96! Fucking hell man, and it drops since you’ve been skipper.

Ian Bell. You’re ginger, now fucking live with it. No-one believes that you’re strawberry blond, you Miserable molecule of mildew

Ian Chappell: What a boring rent-a-quote prick.

Ricky Ponting: The real reason you didn’t wear your baggy greens in the tour match, was because you were paid more for not wearing it. SToP fucking lying.

Dimitri Mascheranas: Oh you honourable c*nt. You’ll stay with your contracted county, where you’re the CLUB CAPTAIN, by the way. Instead of sitting in a dug out in India. Oh god bless you, dear child! You shit house fuckwit.