Suave's Republique Cricket

Robert Key, Robert Key, opened up for Kent;

Rob Key Gets a lazy lob on for Kiwi bowlers

Robert Key, Robert Key, all knew what this meant;
Did he get out?
Was there any doubt?
Front foot clout;
Back foot clout;
Rob’s not out.

The Major Key (thanks to Miriam for this…), King Cricket’s favourite person, in the entire world (he’s close to being mine too), yesterday took the Kiwi bowlers to the sword. Not literally, you understand, metal bats were banned after that old fella Dennis Lillee got arsey.

He clubbed the hapless Kiwis for 178 not out. This now means he’s completed a hat-trick of hundreds against them. “This sort of kick-started my summer four years ago, so it’s a good omen,” said Key.

Sir Robert Of Kentington Key also had this to say..

“Sometimes you have teams as a batter and fortunately at the moment the New Zealanders seem to cop it.”

When asked what his chances of getting back into The England setup were, he said thus…

“There are a few guys scoring runs at the moment,” he said. “Ravi Bopara is getting a hundred most times he walks to the wicket, and Owais Shah is a fine player. A lot depends on what they need. If they need an opener, then I’ll go ahead, if it’s a No. 3, then maybe Owais [Shah], if they need someone to bowl a little bit, maybe Ravi [Bopara] … If they need an old bloke they’ve got Ramps.”

On present form, I’d have Key opening the batting with Strauss. Cook and Vaughan look awful at the minute. Right hand/left hand combo, both in touch, Ravi would replace Vaughan, with Bell at three.


News just in, Robert Key has been selected as captain of The England Lions, as he’s obviously a god.

That is all.

19 Comments so far
Leave a comment

He makes Jessie Ryder look like Karen Carpenter.

Comment by Sportsfreak

When things aren’t going well for him, he’s The Minor Key. Like how in Bullseye, when they play the closing theme tune in the minor when the contestants have failed to win the speedboat.

Comment by miriam

He certainly likes his pies! Axeminster pies, and he used his axe to break the kiwi bowling down to small pieces!

Comment by Suave

Well f*ck my old boots, you’re right Mims!!! I’d never realised that, and I youtube’d it, and it does.

Stay out of the black, into the red, you get nothing in this game for two in the bed!

Comment by Suave

It definitely does!

= down.
/ = new bar

In the key of C minor.

Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin 4:

G(crochet) G (crotchet) /
>Eb (crotchet) >D(quaver) D(quaver) >C(crotchet) /
<D (crotchet) D(crotchet)/
>A[I think](semibrieve)/

Comment by miriam

That my dear, is wonderful! Thank you for sharing. Did you see my hover cap for you today?

Comment by Suave

It’s got a bit mangled in the process of posting, so makes NO MUSICAL SENSE now! Half the notes are missing! And it was so good! o noes!

But yes, thanks for the hover cap! Mims NOT Mimsy.

Comment by miriam

It’s lucky I don’t understand any written music, or I might have had a little dig about it.

Fortunately, I’m stupid, so you’re safe!

Yes, we have no vaginas, We have-a no vaginas today

Comment by Suave

Miriam, firstly it would be very good of Commonwealth countries if they got rid of those stupid crotchets, quavers, breves, etc. Quarter-note, eighth-note, whole-note. Much easier!

I was going to comment further, about how your little piece sounded really weird to me when I tried to play it, but now I see that it got mangled. You’ll need something other than greater than and less than symbols. Let’s see if they display properly when you type ‘& gt;’ and ‘& lt;’, without the spaces:

> <

Comment by David Barry

OK here goes attempt number two. And even if I get it right, it’ll still sound really weird.

< = higher. &gh; = lower.
/ = new bar

In the key of C. Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin 4:
G(crotchet) < Ab (minim) > G (crotchet) /
> Eb(crotchet) > D(quaver) < Eb(crotchet) > D(quaver) > C(crotchet) /
< D (crotchet) < Eb(minim) > D(crotchet)/
> A(semibrieve)/

Comment by miriam

Sorry to interrupt Beethoven, Fowler and philistine, but please be advised that there will be no replacing of Vaughan.


Comment by Miss Field

How about he doesn’t make the team, but we send him to your house instead?

Comment by miriam

Bloody hell woman, you’ll love Rob Key just as much if he replaces Vaughan as skipper! You’ve just got a thing for authority figures in whites. Punter, Fathead & Virgil.

Am I right?
Am I right?

You know I’m right?

Arf Arf, do the doggie boumce.

Comment by Suave

You forgot Dan.

No! No it’s not true. There are different stories and I won’t bore you with them. But no.

No arf arfing here. Vaughan stays.

Comment by Miss Field

Ah yes.. So I did!

How about kumble, gayle, ashraful, malik? Any thoughts on them lovely captains?

Comment by Suave

No thank you. Jeez, you’re making me out to be a test captain hussy or something.

Comment by Miss Field

Well you do fancy half the test playing nations skippers..

Comment by Suave

[…] 29, 2008 by A P Webster Fresh from punishing the Kiwis, a noble deed sure to be celebrated in song by future generations, Rob Key has been named captain of the England Lions, which is a bit like […]

Pingback by Rob Key - England captain «

[…] they’re no worse than others who have kept their place. Also, the likes of Bopara, Shah and Key haven’t quite done enough to bang down the metaphorical door to […]

Pingback by England fail with the bat - again. «

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