Suave's Republique Cricket

The England Lions replaced by replicants.

Robert Key, was yesterday replaced by an evil replicant.  Unfortunately for those that made the trip to The Rose Bowl, Hampshireshire, the evil replicant was no match for the real super Rob, as it failed to get the ball off the square all morning.  The real robert sir robert, would have flayed them to all parts, whilst laughing maniacally!  HA HAA, BRING ME MORE PIES!  He might have said.

For a look at the real reasons for his dismissals, have a look at Kingy Cricketings here..

Michael Carberry also seems to have been replaced, with a lesser version of himself.  But seriously, who cares?  Not me, that’s who, and as I am all-powerful leader of the republic, I have a lot of say around these parts!

The Lions crawled, and when I say crawled, I don’t mean baby speed crawling, I mean bloke with broken leg, dragging himself down a fucking mountain, after nearly dying, crawling, to 48-0 at Lunch.

In the next session, they lost 5-40, and appeared to be on their way to a miserable little total, until Luke Wright decided to get medieval on their arses!

Yes, the little fella went batshit and scored 120 at a strike rate of 91, to put them up to a decent 280.

Hopefully, we’ll see the real Rob Key back today, directing the troops in the only way he knows.  MAGNIFICENTLY!!

Flintoff must play

What's that?  It's your chances of ever being The England captain disappearing

I don’t fucking care if this man can’t bat for shit any more.

Put him at anywhere in the last four if needs be, but he should play for The England.

I’ll tell you why.

He’s the best fast bowler in the country.

Justin Langer in his latest BBC column had this to say about the fella.

Only last week I padded up against Lancashire in the County Championship for Somerset and I can say first hand that Flintoff is absolutely ready to be picked for the first Test against New Zealand.

One of the joys of retiring from international cricket was knowing that I wouldn’t be peppered by the world’s best fast bowlers ever again.

This in mind, I was shocked at the ferocity of the Flintoff onslaught at Old Trafford.

As I kept saying to him, I could have understood if I was batting with Matthew Hayden and wearing a green Australia helmet with a kangaroo and emu embroidered on the front.

Instead, I was in a red Somerset helmet with Marcus Trescothick partnering me, so if I was ever in for a reprieve from England’s best fast bowler then surely that would have been the time.

History will suggest this couldn’t have been further from the truth.

For about an hour I could have been in the boxing ring with Joe Calzaghe and by the end of it I had literally copped a hammering.

My ribs, elbow and chest were so bruised I could have been confused for Bernard Hopkins in Las Vegas!

Both Marcus and I agreed his spell was one of the great ones either of us had ever faced and while it was ugly – and at times intimidating – it is what we miss about playing international cricket on its toughest days.

This is one seriously good bowler.

Given the choice between Anderson & Flintoff, who would you pick? Between Hoggard & Flintoff, or Broad & Flintoff?

My bowling attack would look like this.

Flintoff, Rashid, Broad, Sidebottom. Or maybe Panesar for Rashid (we’ll see how he does against the Lions).

That’s a lot of batting. Flintoff and Rashid are excellent all-rounders, and Broad & Sidebottom can be relied upon to hold a bat.

Come on Mooresy, you know you want it.

Robert Key, Robert Key, opened up for Kent;

Rob Key Gets a lazy lob on for Kiwi bowlers

Robert Key, Robert Key, all knew what this meant;
Did he get out?
Was there any doubt?
Front foot clout;
Back foot clout;
Rob’s not out.

The Major Key (thanks to Miriam for this…), King Cricket’s favourite person, in the entire world (he’s close to being mine too), yesterday took the Kiwi bowlers to the sword. Not literally, you understand, metal bats were banned after that old fella Dennis Lillee got arsey.

He clubbed the hapless Kiwis for 178 not out. This now means he’s completed a hat-trick of hundreds against them. “This sort of kick-started my summer four years ago, so it’s a good omen,” said Key.

Sir Robert Of Kentington Key also had this to say..

“Sometimes you have teams as a batter and fortunately at the moment the New Zealanders seem to cop it.”

When asked what his chances of getting back into The England setup were, he said thus…

“There are a few guys scoring runs at the moment,” he said. “Ravi Bopara is getting a hundred most times he walks to the wicket, and Owais Shah is a fine player. A lot depends on what they need. If they need an opener, then I’ll go ahead, if it’s a No. 3, then maybe Owais [Shah], if they need someone to bowl a little bit, maybe Ravi [Bopara] … If they need an old bloke they’ve got Ramps.”

On present form, I’d have Key opening the batting with Strauss. Cook and Vaughan look awful at the minute. Right hand/left hand combo, both in touch, Ravi would replace Vaughan, with Bell at three.


News just in, Robert Key has been selected as captain of The England Lions, as he’s obviously a god.

That is all.

Steve Kirby. First class nutter.

I'm a gonna git ya suckah!

Steve Kirby is a first class nutjob. He would cause a fight in an empty room, and he’s on a similar level to Andre Nel. I like the fella, he’s got spunk, he’s got gusto, and he would run in all day for you as a skipper..

He’s played a fair bit of cricket this winter, going to India with The England Lions, where he average 24.10 and took 10 wickets. He then had a run out for the MCC against Sussex, and bowled superbly (in bowler friendly conditions), which should leave him in good stead (although Luke Wright knocking him out, might hurt a bit).

I mention the fiery ginger quick, because of something he said recently.

“It is such a lovely tonic to see Ryan Sidebottom doing so well. He has proved over three or four seasons in county cricket that if you do take wickets, you are noticed,” said Gloucestershire seamer Kirby. “From a personal point of view, he has shown the way which has given players like myself and others in domestic cricket a lot of encouragement.”

I like his attitude, and I like that he looks like he’d eat your mother for tea, if you don’t get the fuck out sharpish. Which is what fast bowling really should be about!

The England Hedgehogs review!
February 21, 2008, 2:24 pm
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: , , , , ,

I’m one of those freaky fellas, what bowls with the wrist!

Young Buck, Adil Rashid performed rather nicely again, out in India, for The Hedgehogs..

Scoring 40 runs, and then a very tight four over spell of leg-spin, for 6 runs.

During the recent Duleep Trophy, he averaged 56 with the bat (2 not outs), and 18 with the ball!

For the whole hedgehog tour, it’s 57 with the bat, and 25.22 with the ball.

That’s proper fucking mental all-rounder material..

I’m starting to have sexytime dreams about this fella.  I feel the urge to take him to Savile Row, and get him all suaved up!

Now this brings me to a bit of a quandary…

I catched it mummy..  I is happy.

The Sikh Of Tweak, is out there at the moment too, and has bowled excellently, averaging 23.2 with ball.

His batting average is 2.5

Rashid has a better strike rate, worse economy rate, and worse overall bowling average.

However, he averages a kazillion more with the bat, and he can field (a very good fielder).

I love Monty, but I’d be picking rashid against the Kiwis this summer, in his place.

Hedgehog Hotshot, hits highs..

Michael Carberry, is starting to look like a proper cricketer, after scoring a ton in his last game, and adding 67 (top-scoring) today.

Another top performer, with an average of 56.5, at the top of the order.

During the 2007 domestic season, he also averaged over 50 scoring more than a 1000 runs.

Graham Onions

hedgehog hotstuff #3

Onion’s bowled nicely today for his career best figures of 7/39.  He’s got a long way to go before he’s The England class, but he’s moving in the right direction.

Bye bye Fleming and other such gubbins
February 14, 2008, 11:12 am
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: , , , ,

Had my first winter net of the season last night, so am aching in all sorts of strange places.. Every year, I forget how much it hurts to bowl for an hour and a half, and bat for twenty minutes.

It was the first time I’d picked up my bat in six months, and it felt like a railway sleeper. I was surprised at how easy it came back, and I was middling most balls. The sports hall we were playing in, had no bounce whatsoever, so it was quick and low, which is not something we have to face very often in the real world.

My bowling was OK. I’ll call them slow darts, as there was no spin from me at all. I seem to have lost my run up, which is strange, but I’m sure it will come back soon.

We now have a sports journalist from The Observer who’s joined The Midd. Kevin Mitchell is their Chief Sports Writer and boxing correspondent. He is a wily left arm orthodox spinner, with the odd chinaman thrown in.. Luckily for me, I was in first, and he hadn’t found his length, so I welcomed him with a battering.

I still can’t play off my legs.

Which is poor.

Enough of my shit.

What’s new in world cricket today!

Stephen Fleming has retired

Captain Fantastic

Fleming was a solid opening/no3 batsman, who always seemed as if his mind was elsewhere.

His average of almost 40, belies a real talent, and it really could, and should have been higher. This is a man who scored 43 fifties, but only ever went on to a hundred nine times. Admittedly three of those were double centuries, which make it all the more frustrating.

I remember a few years ago, watching him against Sri Lanka in Colombo, he was absolutely immense. It ended a draw, but I haven’t seen many better displays with the bat.

Fleming scored 274 in the first innings, and 69no in the second. It was a phenomenal effort, especially considering he was later to become Vaas’ bunny. (Vaas had him for a duck, four innings in a row)

The other strange thing about Fleming vs Sri Lanka, was that he averaged over 100 in Sri Lanka, but 33 at home, which is quite bewildering.

Stephen Fleming also proved to be an influential captain, with intelligence and grit. As captain, New Zealand won over a third of their matches. In winning tests, Fleming averaged over 50. Draws was just under 50, and in losing tests, he averaged 28. If Fleming fired, they didn’t lose.

Here’s to you Mr Fleming!

England Lions (Hedgehogs)

England Lions have lost their match with West Zone, in the Duleep Trophy.

By lost, I mean spanked viciously, like some S&M lusting freak.

Young Buck does good cricketings again.

Young Buck, Adil Rashid had a decent match, taking three wickets in the first innings, and his batting looked very good again. Ended 9no in the first innings, and scored 39 in the second (second highest scored).

I really do hope that he gets a good run with Yorkshire this year, as this fella, is looking more and more, like a proper leg-spinning all-rounder. Not your Cameron White, I can smash the ball around, and take the odd wicket, sort.

The Richie Benaud sort. Dangerous with both bat and ball at all times, whilst wearing a lego mans hair, and wearing bone sports jackets.