Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Daniel Vettori, England, Kevin Pieterson, Matthew Hoggard, Michael Vaughan, Monty Panesar, New Zealand, Ross Taylor, Steve Harmison
So, my next prediction is that New Zealand will win this test. (a bit of reverse nostradamusing there). As every prediction I’ve made about this test is wrong, I trust this one will be too.
On to more pressing matters.
The England, are a beautiful bunch of guys.
They are in no way a big bunch of useless C*nts, that I’d like to smash into the ground with a pile driver.
Especially not Stephen J Harmison. He’s the one I love most. He’s not a useless halfwit, who deserves to be put down.
And I’m, not going to get medieval on the Yeoman, who seems to have turned into the worst bowler in world cricket over night. He’s returned to the 2003 ashes tour form, that saw him smashed every where.
Not going to hulk smash the montser for only taking 1/101. I know he contained well, going for less than 3 an over, but I am in no way suggesting he be dropped for the home tests, and to bring in young buck.
I really don’t fancy chopping Alastair Cook into little pieces, and feeding him to sharks with lasers. No sireee.
The people who are in my goodish books at present, are Kevin Pieterson. About time he used his offspin to good effect.
Pietersen 55.5 14 141 4 (2nb)
These figures were against The England in 1999/2000, he got the wickets of Atherton, Hussain, Vaughan & Chris Adams.
He’s no mug with the ball, and I’m not sure why they don’ t use him more.
Oxymoron is also there, for taking 4 wickets, and keeping the run rate down, whilst all his fast bowling colleagues bowled pies.
Colly, for not wobbling, and taking two important wickets.
And Vaughan, but only for his batting. He looked bereft of ideas when in the field and got lucky with KP & Colly.
A word about New Zealand…
Ross Taylor’s innings was sublime.. Some absolutely dreamy cover and square drives.
Vettori was magnificent also, and should have got a 100, the way he lofted Panesar over long on, was beautiful. He’s averaging over 60 this year in test cricket. Not bad for a number 8!!
Remember, I’m all peace and love.
So there will be no hacking the lads in my “I’m disappointed with you” list to bits with a machete.
Not on your nelly!
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Alastair Cook, Cricket, England, Ian Bell, james anderson, Jamie How, Kevin Pieterson, Luke Wright, New Zealand, paul collingwood, Phil Mustard, Shane Watson, stuart broad
The England kept me up to the early hours today, with a cracking batting performance.
340-6 off 50 overs, was pretty good, but being a The England fan, there’s always a doubt in your mind..
One only has to cast their mind back to this Whupping, to see what I’m talking about..
Mustard looked “hot”, FEC Cook, was cooking with gas.. Then on came badonkadonk, and it was two wickets in two balls!
I was listening to commentary, and had decided Mark Richardson was a smart fella. His synopsis, just prior to those wickets falling, was that if Mustard went first, FIGJAM should come in next, and if Cook went, Bell should come in..
Bell & Cook, bat like test match batsmen when they’re together, yet both open up, with a more attacking player at the other end.
The decision was taken out of their hands, by Ryders wiley dibbly-dobbly’s. The ball that got Cook was pretty clever. He rolled those fat fingers down the seam, and cook was already through the shot, as it took his leg stump…
Bell & Pieterson came out firing, and looked good. Both lads scoring at over a run a ball. Bell though, got himself out to pretty boy O’Brien’s first ball of his second session, which was a little stupid.
Then out strode Captain Colly, to smite the Kiwi’s into the main stand. The Probot, has gone absolutely mental in the last two matches, socring 124 runs off 80 balls, and ending not out, both times. He’s averaging 68.5 for the series so far..
Luke Wright, also provided a decent little cameo towards the end..
Unfortunately, my digital TV provider, decided that right before the first ball was to be bowled in the Kiwi’s innings, they would shutdown.
Which was rather unfortunate. I must say.
Alas, I retired to my boudouir, and expected to wake up to a resounding The England win.
Wrong again, dear Suave!!
It seems I’ve missed the second half of an absolute cracker… Tied ODI’s don’t happen very often, and The England always like to get into the record books for the wrong reasons..
Well done to Jamie How, on a what appears to be a cracking knock. I can’t comment too much, as I never saw it. But anyone with that name, has got to be a cracking fella, great cricketer, and is probably a fair bit suave too..
The last thing to go through my mind, before going to bed, was imagining Colly’s teamtalk.
“Right lads, you’ve just seen what me and the boys have done to their medium-fast bowlers, bowling back of length. Let’s not make the same mistakes, eh! I want you to bowl tight lines, and keep it full and straight. That’s how they got our lads, so no short stuff.
My dreams were full of quick full deliveries, smashing stumps, as the Kiwi’s slogged across the line.
Damn dreams, they rarely come true.
Admittedly, if they had, I would have been in the crowd, having long, loving intercourse with Kate Winslet, whilst The England bowled out the Kiwi’s for 148.
Back to sleep for me I reckon..
Jimmy Anderson, seems to have bowled like a twat AGAIN!! This fella gets my bile duct twitching like a 6am erection.
87 runs off 10 overs, is putting him in the Liam Plunkett, Sajid Mahmood category. SHIT, SHIT, SHIT!!
Flimstar Broad, bowled a little better, taking 2 wickets, but still went for 75 runs.
Little Luke Wright, who looks like Shane Watson’s smaller brother, had a blinder with the last over. How did he bowl? Full and straight.
FULL AND STRAIGHT I TELLS YA!!
Filed under: Cricket, Misdirection | Tags: Asad Rauf, Daniel Vettori, dimitri mascherenas, Ian Bell, Jacob Oram, james anderson, Kevin Pieterson, paul collingwood, ricky schroder, stuart broad
Ricky Schroder, today showed that he certainly has more than one string to his bow!
Child star turned successful adult actor, is one thing, becoming an international quality bowler, who’s taken 36 wickets in 24 matches in ODI’s is another!
If only Macaulay Culkin had learned the art of fast bowling, instead of being enticed to fiddle with Michael Jacksons testicles!
The England have given themselves a chance in this series, thanks to a very good all-round performance.
Jimmy Anderson bowled pretty well today. (I reckon he’s been spurred on, by reading my scathing attacks on his recent form )
Dimi Danger Anus, did himself no favours, by bowling pies all day, and going wicketless again.. He’s actually making himself a case for 20/20 only.
Ian Bell, has avoided a certain hulk smashing, with a very nice knock today. He looked all set to go on for a big one, until the Pimp Ass Motherfucker decided to give him out LBW, from an inside edge.
I love the Rauf man, he’s cool. Today however, he had what can only be described as a “Bucknor”. Shit in almost every way. The one exception being his decision to give Pieterson out LBW. Bang on the money with that one, although the Saffer didn’t look happy.
Who comes next? Not silly colly fuckwad, but Paul Collingwood, Member of The Most Excellent Order of the British Empire, to put those pesky natives back in their place!
Admiral of The Fleet, Suave, has decided to leave the gunships where they are at the moment, but the Navy is on standby, in case we return to the “Shit in Pyjamas” days of yore.
Captain Collingwood, showed the mettle that earmarked him for a position in Suave’s Republican Army, with a terrific all-round display, taking 3/43 with his dibbly-dobbly’s, and a beautifully timed 70 from 50 balls, to win the third ODI, in this five match rubber.
Top stuff, old chap!
Suave salutes you.
New Zealand have two world class ODI players, and they showed it again today.
The Perfect Boyfriend Jacob Oram scored a cracking 88 from 91 balls, including 4 fours, and 4 sixes. His bowling wasn’t brilliant, but he still took 1-45.
Daniel Vettori had a near perfect day, and deserved better. There is a reason he’s the No1 ranked ODI bowler, and the 2-23 today, again proved his class. He also batted beautifully for 42 from 35 balls.
This should make the last two ODI’s very interesting!
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: 20-20, Cricket, Daniel Vettori, England, HULK SMASH, Ian Bell, Jacob Oram, Kevin Pieterson, New Zealand, Owais Shah, paul collingwood, Phil Mustard
Two 20-20’s in the space of three days, and The England prove to be a little too powerful for the Kiwi’s.
Phil Mustard and Luke Wright got us off to a cracking start, putting on 60odd for the first wicket.
KP got done by a full toss, Ian Bell ran himself out, AGAIN. If he continues to do this, I am going to HULK SMASH him… Little ginger nobhead.
After a wobble, Colly and Ace got things back on track, with Dimi providing a little cameo at the end..
Without Oram or Vettori, our NZ cousins appear to be a little short on quality.
If they can get these two back for the ODI’s, then they may be OK, but if either of these is missing, I see The England winning the series.
Let’s not talk about the test series just yet….
I’ve a feeling that we may smash, in a Hulk kind of way.
Filed under: Bad Light, LOLCricket | Tags: 20/20, bad light stopped play, England, Kevin Pieterson, Lurgy, Sick
Suave is sick. (In many different ways)
Suave is sleeping for 18 hrs a day.
Suave hasn’t seen any cricket, which makes Suave sad.
Suave read that we won the two warm up games, and the 20-20. Which is nice.
Suave will be back soon..