Suave's Republique Cricket

A proper preview on England v South Africa

As a hardhitting journalist, with a vast array of cricket knowledge, I’ve decided to do a real piece of hardhitting journalism.

By hardhitting journalism, I mean, me talking shit about a weird dream I had the other night.  It basically involved a cricketer of some repute following me around for eternity, performing his best shot, everytime I needed a pick me up.  So I shall expand on that weird night, and add what I would have all of the The England and South African team doing if each of them had to stick by my side.

1 Alastair Cook

This young buck will apply eyeliner to me or my friends whenever required.  He’s obviously very adept at this.  See here for more.

2 Andrew Strauss

He will wear a biggles outfit during the day, with the flappy scarf and things, entertaining my republican army.  When required posh lad will dress up in full evening suit, and smoke cigarettes through an antique cigarette holder, whilst supplying me with the finest brandies, wines and champagnes.  It will be a suave double team, and a bally good show.

3 Michael Vaughan (capt)

Mr Vaughan is bound for life to perform a classy cover drive when I need him to, and to miss a straight one when I need a laugh.  Good times.

4 Kevin Pietersen

KP is required to watch while I make love to his wife for all of eternity.  See Morne Morkel’s details for added extras to this scenario.  Strauss will also be in the corner, pouring my drinks and keeping me in cigarettes for the night!

5 Ian Bell

This little fuckstick is to throw roses at my feet until the end of time.  Just like those lovely ladies in Coming to America.

6 Paul Collingwood

Is to forever follow me, as leader of Suave’s ageing ginger all-rounder army.  He will protect me from abybody silly enough to attack our beloved and benevolent Suave leader.

7 Tim Ambrose (wk)

Wanky wicky is to stay behind me at all times in case I drop anything.  I lose on average about £30 a month, dropping money out of my pockets.  Little wanky wicky will stop all that, and give ole Suave another lunchtime on the pop a month. Well done that boy.

8 Stuart Broad

Young broadywoady pudding and pie, is to spend the rest of his days making sure Suave’s hair is in a perfectly coiffured state.  This bucl already spends so much time on his own hair, I’m sure he’ll service mine beautifully.

9 Ryan Sidebottom

Mr Sidebottom will accompany Suave to every gig he goes to in futues, and will supply the hair when I cut mine off.  Whenever I cut my hair short, the thing I hate most about gigs, is not being able to shake the hair.  Ryan will provide this service.

10 Monty Panesar

Any and every time Suave performs something of note, of excellence (as you can imagine this would be an extremely busy job for the montster), he will high five me in his inimitable way.  Wahey Monty!

11 James Anderson

Will be permanently by my side, until I’ve learnt what makes him the quick, snplayable bastard he can be. Once I’ve learnt that, I will train him to do that EVERY time he plays.

1 Graeme Smith (capt)

Bear like left hander, will spend time immortal licking the shit off my shoe, every time I inadvertently tread in some bastard dogs do doo.

2 Neil McKenzie

Old mentalist is to be by my side to ensure that my madness pales in to insignificance next to his, the crazy arsed fucker.  I have a reasonably small version of OCD.  So Mackenzie would make me look normal.

3 Hashim Amla

Amla is to join me on every flight with a budget airline I ever take from now on.  He will sit by the window, I will sit on the aisle seat, guarenteeing that no fat, smelly people sit in the middle, and I can stretch out to my hearts content, or until people stop worrying that bearded muslims are going to blow up any and every motherfucking that moves.

4 Jacques Kallis

This boring twat is to break down an innnings of his, every time I suffer from insomnia, so that Suave can keep his beauty sleep to the necessary 8 hours.   Instant karma, Suave is still beautiful.  I win.

5 Ashwell Prince

Ashwell is to do a similar job to JK but for afternoon naps.  He will come out to bat, and instantly send me into a lovely deep afternoon snooze.

6 AB de Villiers

Vehement letter C denier, will be my golf partner, if I ever take up the stupid, boring, fucking aimless game.  As a scratch golfer, he’ll be able to cover up my inadequecies and ensure that Suave still looks Suave in plus fours.

7 Mark Boucher (wk)

This wicket keeper is to stand behind any of my annoying colleagues constantly chirping in their ears, whenever the fuckers start telling me about their love of computer games, porn or cars.  Boucher will chirp away at them, telling them what useless lives they have, and that they should remove their gene pool from society.

8 Morne Morkel

Supervillain is required to laugh maniacally whenever I get the rage, and anything Evil is about to happen.  Which as most of you lot have realised, is quite regularly.  Get that larynx working you big fucker!

9 Paul Harris

It’s getting a struggle now, fuck me.  Paul Harris appears to have no talents at all, so I’m going to stick him behind my private bar, to serve me drinks for the rest of time.  Most of my local pubs now have saffers behind the ramp, and they work hard, so that’s it for this left arm tweaker.

10 Dale Steyn

To bowl fiery full, swinging deliveries into the legs of anyone getting in my way whilst walking.  Suave is a very quick walker, and hates slow people getting in his way.  Utilising his pace, will clear the way for me to get where i’m going in good time

11 Makhaya Ntini.

What can I get the convicted rapist to do, for ole suavey wauvey?  I don’t need any rape in my life thank you very much.  As Ntini likes to run from the ground to his hotel after tests, I will use him in emergency traffic situations, if I happen to get stuck in traffic anywhere, Ntini is to turn up and piggy back me to my destination.

I’m spent now, business hours are over!  It’s business, it’s business time!

I love you guys. For I have removed hatred from my heart.

So, my next prediction is that New Zealand will win this test. (a bit of reverse nostradamusing there). As every prediction I’ve made about this test is wrong, I trust this one will be too.

On to more pressing matters.

The England, are a beautiful bunch of guys.

They are in no way a big bunch of useless C*nts, that I’d like to smash into the ground with a pile driver.

Especially not Stephen J Harmison. He’s the one I love most. He’s not a useless halfwit, who deserves to be put down.

And I’m, not going to get medieval on the Yeoman, who seems to have turned into the worst bowler in world cricket over night. He’s returned to the 2003 ashes tour form, that saw him smashed every where.

Not going to hulk smash the montser for only taking 1/101. I know he contained well, going for less than 3 an over, but I am in no way suggesting he be dropped for the home tests, and to bring in young buck.

I really don’t fancy chopping Alastair Cook into little pieces, and feeding him to sharks with lasers. No sireee.

I don’t want to murder you and your family, in a particularly violent way. I’m all about the love!

The people who are in my goodish books at present, are Kevin Pieterson. About time he used his offspin to good effect.

Pietersen                   55.5   14    141      4 (2nb)

These figures were against The England in 1999/2000, he got the wickets of Atherton, Hussain, Vaughan & Chris Adams.

He’s no mug with the ball, and I’m not sure why they don’ t use him more.

Oxymoron is also there, for taking 4 wickets, and keeping the run rate down, whilst all his fast bowling colleagues bowled pies.

Colly, for not wobbling, and taking two important wickets.

And Vaughan, but only for his batting. He looked bereft of ideas when in the field and got lucky with KP & Colly.

A word about New Zealand…

Ross Taylor’s innings was sublime.. Some absolutely dreamy cover and square drives.

Vettori was magnificent also, and should have got a 100, the way he lofted Panesar over long on, was beautiful. He’s averaging over 60 this year in test cricket. Not bad for a number 8!!

Remember, I’m all peace and love.

So there will be no hacking the lads in my “I’m disappointed with you” list to bits with a machete.

Not on your nelly!

The England, in “we’re shit shocker”

Please go away, Wing Commander.  You won’t like Suave when he’s angry, and you’re making him very angry!

Andrew bloody Strauss, failed miserably, AGAIN!!!

Unfortunately, so did everyone else, bar Kevin Pieterson who scored 50 of The Englands total of 131.

131 against a team of also-rans, never will be’s, and Iain O’Brien.

Fucking shit, that.

Then we come to the enigma that is Stephen J Harmison.

I’ve decided that I’m going to cut his fucking hands off, and mail them to his wife and four kids.

Shit heap, wanker. The man can’t bowl anymore. Give it up Steve, fuck off home to your missus, and let someone who has a radar have a go.

That said, Tremlett wasn’t much better.

Look’s like it should be pretty boy Broad. At least he’ll look like he’s trying.

Also, let’s pray to WG Grace that Ryan Sidebottom is fit before the first test.

I woke up in a bad mood today, and this is making me angrier than hell.

I bought tickets to the first test against New Zealand at Lords yesterday, and for the last test against South Africa at The Oval, and I feel like burning them all.

Time for a coffee and a calm down, me thinks!

Blimey O’Reilly, that was a bit of fun.. 360° of fun!

The England kept me up to the early hours today, with a cracking batting performance.

340-6 off 50 overs, was pretty good, but being a The England fan, there’s always a doubt in your mind..

One only has to cast their mind back to this Whupping, to see what I’m talking about..

Mustard looked “hot”, FEC Cook, was cooking with gas.. Then on came badonkadonk, and it was two wickets in two balls!

I was listening to commentary, and had decided Mark Richardson was a smart fella. His synopsis, just prior to those wickets falling, was that if Mustard went first, FIGJAM should come in next, and if Cook went, Bell should come in..

Bell & Cook, bat like test match batsmen when they’re together, yet both open up, with a more attacking player at the other end.

The decision was taken out of their hands, by Ryders wiley dibbly-dobbly’s. The ball that got Cook was pretty clever. He rolled those fat fingers down the seam, and cook was already through the shot, as it took his leg stump…

Bell & Pieterson came out firing, and looked good. Both lads scoring at over a run a ball. Bell though, got himself out to pretty boy O’Brien’s first ball of his second session, which was a little stupid.

Then out strode Captain Colly, to smite the Kiwi’s into the main stand. The Probot, has gone absolutely mental in the last two matches, socring 124 runs off 80 balls, and ending not out, both times. He’s averaging 68.5 for the series so far..

Luke Wright, also provided a decent little cameo towards the end..

Unfortunately, my digital TV provider, decided that right before the first ball was to be bowled in the Kiwi’s innings, they would shutdown.

Which was rather unfortunate. I must say.

Alas, I retired to my boudouir, and expected to wake up to a resounding The England win.

Wrong again, dear Suave!!

It seems I’ve missed the second half of an absolute cracker… Tied ODI’s don’t happen very often, and The England always like to get into the record books for the wrong reasons..

Well done to Jamie How, on a what appears to be a cracking knock. I can’t comment too much, as I never saw it. But anyone with that name, has got to be a cracking fella, great cricketer, and is probably a fair bit suave too..

The last thing to go through my mind, before going to bed, was imagining Colly’s teamtalk.

“Right lads, you’ve just seen what me and the boys have done to their medium-fast bowlers, bowling back of length. Let’s not make the same mistakes, eh! I want you to bowl tight lines, and keep it full and straight. That’s how they got our lads, so no short stuff.

My dreams were full of quick full deliveries, smashing stumps, as the Kiwi’s slogged across the line.

Damn dreams, they rarely come true.

Admittedly, if they had, I would have been in the crowd, having long, loving intercourse with Kate Winslet, whilst The England bowled out the Kiwi’s for 148.

Back to sleep for me I reckon..

Jimmy Anderson, seems to have bowled like a twat AGAIN!! This fella gets my bile duct twitching like a 6am erection.

87 runs off 10 overs, is putting him in the Liam Plunkett, Sajid Mahmood category. SHIT, SHIT, SHIT!!

Flimstar Broad, bowled a little better, taking 2 wickets, but still went for 75 runs.

Little Luke Wright, who looks like Shane Watson’s smaller brother, had a blinder with the last over. How did he bowl? Full and straight.


Ricky Schroder in “I’m not too shabby”, shocker.

Ricky Schroder, today showed that he certainly has more than one string to his bow!

I’ve taken a break from my successful acting career, to become a mean old quick!

Child star turned successful adult actor, is one thing, becoming an international quality bowler, who’s taken 36 wickets in 24 matches in ODI’s is another!

If only Macaulay Culkin had learned the art of fast bowling, instead of being enticed to fiddle with Michael Jacksons testicles!

The England have given themselves a chance in this series, thanks to a very good all-round performance.

Jimmy Anderson bowled pretty well today. (I reckon he’s been spurred on, by reading my scathing attacks on his recent form )

Dimi Danger Anus, did himself no favours, by bowling pies all day, and going wicketless again.. He’s actually making himself a case for 20/20 only.

Ian Bell, has avoided a certain hulk smashing, with a very nice knock today. He looked all set to go on for a big one, until the Pimp Ass Motherfucker decided to give him out LBW, from an inside edge.

I love the Rauf man, he’s cool. Today however, he had what can only be described as a “Bucknor”. Shit in almost every way. The one exception being his decision to give Pieterson out LBW. Bang on the money with that one, although the Saffer didn’t look happy.

Who comes next? Not silly colly fuckwad, but Paul Collingwood, Member of The Most Excellent Order of the British Empire, to put those pesky natives back in their place!

Admiral of The Fleet, Suave, has decided to leave the gunships where they are at the moment, but the Navy is on standby, in case we return to the “Shit in Pyjamas” days of yore.

Captain Collingwood, showed the mettle that earmarked him for a position in Suave’s Republican Army, with a terrific all-round display, taking 3/43 with his dibbly-dobbly’s, and a beautifully timed 70 from 50 balls, to win the third ODI, in this five match rubber.

Top stuff, old chap!

Suave salutes you.

New Zealand have two world class ODI players, and they showed it again today.

The Perfect Boyfriend Jacob Oram scored a cracking 88 from 91 balls, including 4 fours, and 4 sixes. His bowling wasn’t brilliant, but he still took 1-45.
Vettori with his ICC ODI Bowler of the year award.

Daniel Vettori had a near perfect day, and deserved better. There is a reason he’s the No1 ranked ODI bowler, and the 2-23 today, again proved his class. He also batted beautifully for 42 from 35 balls.

This should make the last two ODI’s very interesting!

Hit and Giggle… Huzzah for “The England”

Two 20-20’s in the space of three days, and The England prove to be a little too powerful for the Kiwi’s.

I am hot.  I am spicy.  I go particularly well with a nice steak!

Phil Mustard and Luke Wright got us off to a cracking start, putting on 60odd for the first wicket.

KP got done by a full toss, Ian Bell ran himself out, AGAIN.  If he continues to do this, I am going to HULK SMASH him…  Little ginger nobhead.

After a wobble, Colly and Ace got things back on track, with Dimi providing a little cameo at the end..

Without Oram or Vettori, our NZ cousins appear to be a little short on quality.

If they can get these two back for the ODI’s, then they may be OK, but if either of these is missing, I see The England winning the series.

Let’s not talk about the test series just yet….

I’ve a feeling that we may smash, in a Hulk kind of way.

I am a real American, Fight for the rights of every man!

Suave has the lurgy
February 5, 2008, 9:32 am
Filed under: Bad Light, LOLCricket | Tags: , , , , ,

Suave is sick. (In many different ways)

Suave is sleeping for 18 hrs a day.

Suave hasn’t seen any cricket, which makes Suave sad.

Suave read that we won the two warm up games, and the 20-20.  Which is nice.

Suave will be back soon..

Until then….