Suave's Republique Cricket


HA HA HA HA HA!
July 21, 2009, 1:47 pm
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Photography comic genius!

I don’t think anything else needs to be said here, does it?

Ricky Ponting FAIL!



The Ashes 2009, First test, six word review

Here we are again, with Suave’s six word reviews.  Australia to come this afternoon.

Andrew Strauss

Piss poor captaincy, shit with bat.

Alastair Cook

Fucking piss-weak, public school cunt.

Ravi Bopara

Outwitted, then fucked over by Doctrove

Kevin Pietersen

Look at me, stupid ego cunt.

Paul Collingwood

Gritty street fighter, better than spinners

Matt Prior

looks OK, no smashing just yet.

Andrew Flintoff

Bowled into ground, now fucking crocked.

Stuart Broad

Can’t bowl for shit, find length!!!

Greame Swann

Worse than Hauritz.  One funny fucker.

James Anderson

Batting supremo.  Pitch it up, wanker!

Monty Panesar

Too quick, no variation, soon gone.



De Nederlanders slaan de Engelsen
Where's Dirty Dirk?!

De Nederlanders celebrate a famous victory over The England.

What the fuck happened there?!

Destiny, my friends, that’s what.

After mastering total football in the 70’s under Johan Cruyff, de Nederlanders have now decided to do the same in 20/20 cricket.

Watch out boys and girls, they were unstoppable  (except by Ze Germans) at football during that time, and are bound to do the same to all and sundry in this 20/20 World Cup (luckily Ze Germans are not here).  Never before has there been such a sublime display of a cricket, from a side wearing oranje.

Dirty Dirk bowled well, without any real penetration.

It was left to a couple of old blacksmiths to cause the damage.  Darron Reekers who started off in big bludgeoning style, followed up by Tom De Grooth, who smashed The England all over Lords.   Jrod loved it so much he almost threw up!

My man Ryan Ten Doeschate even got in on the act, a cracking allround display, with a red inker and taking the wickets of Ravi Bopara & Luke Wright.

The England have two young stars at the top of their order, and the rest are a bunch of cunts.   Even Rob Key, the fat knacker.

The bowling, beyond the opening pair was shithouse.   Rashid looked good against the West Indies, but was goes for too many runs.  He reminds me of Stuart MacGill, long hops, full tosses and the odd unplayable delivery.  No fucking good at 20/20, I’m afraid (and surely the fact that he doesn’t get in Yorkshire’s side, should have given them some idea, no?).

Stuart Broad couldn’t hit six stumps, the useless Ricky Schroder lookalike fucktrog.

I’m happy to lose to the Dutch though, because it might make this bunch of fuckfaced De Engelsen players actually learn to play proper 20/20 cricket.   Hardly any of them actually play it,  they’re learning the game in T20i’s.

Here’s to getting spanked by Pakistan on Sunday, and being out of the competition within 3 days!  Good times, my friends!



Oh dear lord, the end is nigh…
Cooky smashing a six, yes A SIX, on his way to 77 from 55.

Cooky smashing a six, yes A SIX, on his way to 77 from 55.

What the fuck is going on here?!

Alastair Cook took his recent smackdown show to Kent again.  Last week he scored 80 from 56 balls against the spitfires, this week 77 off 55.  So far in the 20/20 cup he’s scored 197 runs at an average of 49.25 and a strike rate of 139.  Wow.  Thems good figures eh…

I like this a lot.  I always want to see an Essex boy do well, but he’s consistently annoyed the shit out of me, by being the most tedious fucktard the world has ever seen.

He rarely hits the ball in the air, scores his runs in test cricket at a snails pace, and is generally a grinder.

I think a season playing List A cricket, and 20/20 will improve the boy no end.   He’s made it clear that he wants to be considered for The England in all types of cricket, which is an admirable statement, and one that he appears to be backing up.

I’m looking forward to the day, that I look at a The England pyjamas match, and don’t want to cut my face in to slithers because eyeliner is opening the batting.  Let’s hope it’s not too far round the corner.



Media wankfest #2
Good, but not that good... Yet...

Good, but not that good... Yet...

Dear media,

Please stop the wankfest over Hughes’ county stint please.

Most of the runs he scored were in the County Championship 2nd division.  This is a division where the leading wicket takers are Jon Lewis & James Tredwell.

Those old fuckers weren’t even good enough to hold down a spot in The England’s ODI side, and they’re proper fucking pony.

So can we stop with the cock sucking please.  He smashed around a load of has-beens and never will be’s.

I’m not saying that the fella hasn’t got talent.   He has.   He’s averaging 69 in both test and FC cricket.  Not bad, I think you’ll agree..

What I will say, is that Jimmy Adams averaged 87 after 12 tests, and Mike Hussey averaged 80 at the start of 2008 and is now averaging 55 (to be fair that’s still higher than any current The  England batsman).

If, after the ashes he’s still averaging high 60’s, then fairly do’s, lick the boy’s testicles all you like.  Allow him to roger you roughly with bananas from his daddy’s farm, but let’s not get stupid, eh…

Now fuck off.

Update

Being a Suave fellow, I’m horrified, I say horrified at what I’ve just seen on Sky Sports News.

I know Phil Hughes is young, but there’s never an excuse to be wearing an ill fitting suit, with a shirt that has seventies style collars opened wide, to expose the chest hair.  That and the two diamond earrings, have sent my Suave sensibilities absolutely bandy..

Fucking hell, can’t someone teach the little bogan banana farmer to dress properly!



Fail
Cricket Fail!

Hook Shot Fail!

Recent man of the series Ravi Bopara has become a media darling of late.  Just so he doesn’t get too big for his boots, and because I’ve missed LOLCricketz, here’s some lovely stuff for you kiddywinks.

Ravenous Ravi can't wait for lunch!

Ravenous Ravi can't wait for lunch!



Hitting it well in the nets
May 20, 2009, 3:18 pm
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: , , , ,
How queer!

How queer!

If there’s one thing you constantly hear about Michael Vaughan, it’s that he’s hitting it well in the nets.

Now look at that photo above, and by jove, the fucker is!

There’s no green edges, it’s all middle.

If anyone knows what the green shit is from, or where the balls come from, I’d be intrigued.   I see lots of green marks on international cricketers bats, but have never seen a green ball.  When we use a bowling machine, they’re either yellow or red, and they don’t leave marks.

I’m guessing that Michael looks great for a pristine 20, then gets done by a straight one, but you never know.

If only he could do it in the middle more.  That would be nice.

UPDATE

Well fuck my old boots.  What do you know.  He really is hitting it well in the middle.  This time around though, he’s good at one day cricket, and shit over the longer term.

He’s averaging over 50 in pyjama’s this year.  His career average is 29.

The world really is going wonky.

FURTHER UPDATE

Ha!  I’ve jinxed him.  46 is his season average now.   Out LBW for 74.   Still good mind, but he’s not hit a century in OD games for ages.  He’s only scored 3 centuries in 360 odd List A and ODI matches.  Michael Vaughan will be very disappointed not to cash in on a flat deck at the oval.  In fact Michael Vaughan might get so angry he only communicates with himself in the third person.