Suave's Republique Cricket


Alastair Cook in “I can play in pyjamas” shocker.

Cook, Broad & Anderson Naked

Opening day of the 20/20 championship, and The Essex were down at Canterbury to face the lowly Kent.

Alastair Cook opens the innings.

Then it all gets weird.

He scored lots, and quickly.  What the fuck is going on?  I fear the end is nigh children.  Bunker up, and await the Apocalypse.

80 from 56 balls.  QUE?!

Strangely enough, I know he can do that more regularly.  I watched him smash a double century at a run a ball, against Australia (Lee, Gillespie, Tait, MacGill, Kasprowicz) in 2005.

Why does he not do it more?  Because he’s an eyeliner wearing little shitbag..   I’m hoping this is changing, and his bollocks have actually dropped.



Jimmy Fucking Anderson
Fuck me the boy's got good!!

Please be good against the big boys Jimmy!

Somewhere along the lines, my thought process has changed.  Not necessarily for the better to be fair.

I used to hate Greame Smith, now I don’t mind him.

I spent many long hours wanting to smash Jimmy Anderson’s head in, now I don’t.

This is perturbing.

Alas, as we get older, we grow wiser.  Well some of us.  By us,  I mean you lot, not me, obviously, or Ian Botham, we’re both pickle brained fucknuts, but I digress.

I now believe we have a good opening bowler.

This is a man who has learnt to swing the ball both ways at pace.

That my friends, is fucking dangerous.

He averaged 29.84 for 2008, and is currently averaging 26.85 for 2009.   Pretty good figures them.

But, before Ceci jumps on me, for hypocrisy (I rather bagged him back in March over at the Lovely King Cricket).  Let’s look at his averages again.

Since 2006/7 Ashes.

Series Average Strike Rate
Aus v Eng

82.6

112

Eng v Ind

35.5

62.7

Eng v SL

83.5

116

NZ v Eng

35.57

44.2

Eng v NZ

19.31

32.6

Eng v SA

33.93

69.3

Ind v Eng

53.5

109.5

WI v Eng

38

86

Eng v WI

17.72

35.1

Home

37.992

63.14

Away

52.418

87.925

Overall

44.403

74.155556

Still not good enough I’m afraid..

Compare his stats to Mitchell Johnson, or Dale Steyn, or Ishant Sharma, or Shane Bond, or Peter Siddle.  He doesn’t compare.

I want fast/swing bowling that actually smashes peoples jaws, stumps and batsman’s confidence.

Jimmy’s not there yet.  I hope he gets there, because it’ll be a blast seeing him uprooting off-stumps of Aussies this summer, but he’s yet to do anything significant against any of the top 5.

It’s all well and good smashing Kiwi’s & Windies players who don’t want to be here, but can you smash the Aussies or the Saffers (who we face this winter).

That’ll be the true test of his character.

So I’ll hold out on the Jimmy Anderson Wankfest until early 2010 if you don’t mind.



Captain Fuckwit
Don't tell anyone, but I'm shit in the subcontinent!

Don't tell anyone, but I'm shit in the subcontinent!

Can’t bat in the subcontinent, and plays with a fractured rib.

Surely that would restrict your movement somewhat, I know it did when I broke my ribs.  I couldn’t move at anywhere near full capacity for months!

So what is the stupid saffer halfwit doing playing?  Did no-one think that it might be a bad thing?  Fuck off you stupid grinned cockmunch.

I do despair sometimes, and at other times I feel like hulk smashing.

Today is one of those days.

Patrick Kidd over at Line & Length calls for the replacement of one of the useless fucking knobend opening bowlers.  He reckons we should replace Jimmy “I’m a wet fucking Blanket” Anderson or Stephen “I’m a weak in the head wanker” Harmison, with Amjad Khan.  Obviously Patrick was much nicer in his words, but the sentiment was the same I’m sure..  Back to the Danish wunderkind Amjad, the boy is pretty quick, he can reverse swing the ole nut, and he can’t be any fucking worse than them other two shitforbrains (I say that without ever seeing bowl a first class delivery)!

He also called for Panesar to go.  Too fucking right I say.  That bucket handed bambi twat needs to disappear for a long time.

Why not send the idiot to Australia for club cricket for the rest of their summer?

There he’ll have to learn some guile, or he’ll be smashed into oblivion.  Either way we win.  If he gets smashed into oblivion, he quits and takes up some IT job in Brum.  If he learns his craft, we have a world class spinner back in the ranks.

They’ve got to replace him with my young buck, Adil Rashid.  Give him a go, he’ll at least get Tendulkar’s wicket.  He loves to give a debutant spinner his wicket.   Basically Tendulkar is a Cricket Shark.   Give the fella an easy first wicket, they raise their hopes, think that they’ve just got the best batsman in the world out, so they must be a great bowler, then get smashed about for the rest of their career by him, (see Monty Panesar and Cameron White) The sneaky fucker..

Talking of Tendulkar, visit Dear Kingy for his take on Tendulkar.  It’s FUCKING GENIUS.

One day I intend to have Alex’s babies  (just don’t tell him yet, it’ll be a surprise!).

Lastly, let the Sherminator get Sherminated,  so that we can bring back Ace.   He’s fucking good in the subcontinent, he’s wristy and the lad can manipulate the strike.   At least get three blokes who can do that in the side.   Strauss, Shah & Colly are the only proper  batsmen who seem to be able to rotate, although Rashid is no mug with the bat either, and as he’s of Asian descent, he must be wristy too.

Here endeth the rant.   Carry on, nothing to see..



Well Fuck My Old Boots.
You little master bater.

You little master bater.

One really should have time to process that sort of result, before jumping on tinternet to post, but you know what, fuck it, that’s not my style.

Firstly, congratulations to India, on an unprecedented fourth innings chase on Indian soil.  You boys, under that young buck Dhoni, have BALLS OF STEEL!

Secondly, The England, you can all fuck right off, you bunch of jumped up little pissdrips.  How the fuck do you lose a game from that position?  By being weak cunts, that’s how.  I’d like to rip your fucking hearts out, and stamp on them wearing my cricket spikes.

I’m gonna take it easy on three, maybe four people, the rest of you deserve to be HULK SMASHED into oblivion.

Andrew Strauss. You sir, get a slight reprieve, although a good fucking slap is required so you can get a pissing move on!  All of the Indian team seemed capable of batting at  strike rate of over 50, yet you couldn’t.

Alastair Cook. You mascara wearing little fucktard.  Learn to hit over the top, learn to sweep, or piss off and die, you shitting cockface.

Ian Bell.  The Sherminator should be sherminated.  Get Shah in, and let this ineffectual, whining little snotface rot in the bog of eternal stench.

Kevin Pietersen. The man is a cunt.  Can’t bat in the sub-continent (Averages under 30),  and needs to learn, fast.  I let him off as a skipper, as he does have three bowlers who are too fucking impotent, that even Viagara wouldn’t help em.

Paul Collingwood.  Just give it up, please! Too fucking slow, too fucking ugly.  As Bumble rightly said “if he was playing outside your house, you’d shut the curtains”.   Alas, he has to stay as he’s one of only two or three players who can play in the sub-continent.

Andrew Flintoff.   He’s not, and hasn’t been for a long time, a batting all-rounder.  He’s a bowling all-rounder, and a fucking good one at that.  Move him down to seven, and get Prior in before him.

Matt Prior. A batsmen who keeps, nothing more.  I’ll let him off for now.

Greame Swann.  Deserves to stay, and along with Fred looked like the only person capable of getting a wicket.

James Anderson. You are shit, utterly shit, you may even be crafted entirely of shit.  Grow some balls, or fuck off.  You get the full suave smashing.

Steve Harmison.  CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT.  I know, let’s bowl short and wide of off stump to Sehwag, he’ll do fuck all with that.

Monty Panesar.  PRICK. PRICK.  PRICK.  Every time I see this big handed bambi twat, I want a smash an empty beer glass right into his bearded face.

India, here at La Republique, I salute you.

Chakh De India!

Special mention goes to Virender Sehwag, for being a god.  Gautam Gambhir, for looking like a ferenghi, but being fucking good with it, Tendulkar, for being un-fucking-believable for so long, and to Yuvraj, for being such a swaggering man cock.

More on India individually later, as they deserve no rage.



What’s that all about then?

Cor blimey guv, it’s all going off aint it.

Fucking bombs galore, hostages, and the terrists want us plucky Brits.

I can’t understand it?  It’s as if we’ve been fucking around in their region’s politics for hundreds of years, subjugating their subjects, and denouncing the whole of their religion as evil or summat.

Next you’ll be telling me that the French don’t like us?!

Lucky it’s not Pakistan, or no foreigner would ever step foot in the country again!   It’s OK though Lalit Modi, the evil genius, reckons we will be playing the test match series, and that’s that.  Based on his previous, I reckon the auld bastard knows a few coercien techniques.  So KP beware!!!

Also, they’ve cancelled the IPL & ICL, and the test series is on, so all that guff about the death of test cricket has just been turned on its head.  It’s the death of pointless 20/20 tournaments!  Huzzah!!

Enough bad news kids, Suavey’s home!

What the fuck is all this bollocks about a fitness race.  I keep seeing this headline (especially just now, with the Krezja/Hauritz selection dilemma), and it’s raised a few questions in Suave’s superhuman brainbox.

  • What is a fitness race?
  • How many people are involved in it, is it just Hauritz and Krezja?
  • What distance is it over?
  • Who holds the Worlds record?
  • What happens if the unfit guy happens to be quicker than the fit guy, even when injured?  Imagine a fitness race between a fit Eddo Brandes and an injured Jimmy Anderson….
  • Where does it take place, and can I watch it?  Also can I bet on it?
  • Why is the race between Krezja and Hauritz, when Marcus North is the best spinner in Sheffield Shield cricket this season.  The fact that North is averaging 53 with the bat, should probably give him some sort of mention in the selection meeting, no?
  • Surely a race is unfair on the bloke who’s injured?
  • What if having the race does the fella in again?  Until we know the specifics of the race, this is a distinct possibility I tells ya.

As always, I DEMAND ANSWERS ADMINISTRACATS.  Or journalists, as you knobbies keep using the phrase.

Lastly, go to Iain O’Briens blog, he’s a fucking genius.



What to do about Jimmy?
August 27, 2008, 8:53 am
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: , , , , , ,

Jimmy Anderson is an enigma.

He started his bowling career as an ODI specialist, and has now knocked off 94 appearances.

In the last year, he has suddenly started bowling like a proper test match bowler, yet in ODI’s he’s turned to horseshit. 

His last few series averages are:

Sri Lanka vs The England – 4wkts @ 48.25

New Zealand vs The England – 4 wkts @ 67.50

The England vs New Zealand – 5 wkts @ 41.40

The England vs South Africa – So far 0 wkts for 44runs off 8 overs.

His average for this year is 60.33 with an economy of 5.71

His career average has dropped to above 30 from 27 in less than a year!!!  That my friends is pony, and I suggest he gets the bullet for the next ODI.  Whilst he’s been hidden to an extent, with how well his other three quicks are performing, I don’t see KP putting up with it for too much longer.

Bresnan is next in line, I would suggest based on current form, and would add too an already strong batting line up.

If he gets another chance he’s going to have to perform, or I’m gonna tie the shit head up, beat him within an inch of his life and cuckold him, whilst he watches me making sweet music with his wife:



You winning bastards
August 26, 2008, 6:29 pm
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: , , , ,

How fucking dare they… That’s what I say.

How very dare they have a perfect ODI.  Bowl the opposition out for under a hundred and knock off the score for no wickets down.  Dirty The English Bastards!

Seriously, I’m happy as a pig in shit.   What a performance.  Stuart Broad was world class, his line and length were McGrath like, and the boy ran and ran and ran until he looked like he was going to be sick.  Then you had Fred & Harmison bowling quick and dangerously at the other end.  I’d rather not face that me sen.

The other massive positive was Matt Prior.  His keeping was exceptional, and the catch he took away to his left was stunning (if he learns to do that to his right, he’s made).  To follow it up with 45no, streaky, but the scorecards don’t say that.  Top job foreign wanky wicky.

My only real concern is Jimmy Anderson though.  Two games, 8 overs, 44 runs, at 5.5 an over.  Carry on like that girly boy, and Suave’s a gonna smash ya!

I’m in all sorts of pain today, slightly less so than yesterday, but still, it’s making me angry.  Today’s game, however  has made the sun shine brightly.  I finished work at 3.30 CET, which was when the game kicked off, I got four beers inside me, and The England have spanked the Saffers.  Life is good.  It’s difficult to be too angry after all that, but the rage is flowing;  by flowing, I mean trickling.  A nod is a good as a wink to a blind man, no what I mean?.

A big hello to Spearpoint, and an apology for not answering sooner, but you’re South African and nice, and that has confused me no end 😉

Now fuck off you ungrateful bastards.