Suave's Republique Cricket


New Zealand – Still Shit!

Iain O’Brien in his blog yesterday said, There is a quote that goes, “you are sure of three things in life, taxes, death and runs at Adelaide.” Yet New Zealand made 203 all out, and Brendan McCullum scored 83no of those runs.

What the fuck were the rest of the team doing?  This is a pitch that Michael Clarke scored a century on, without one of his higher order players scoring a century before him, which is so rare, it’s like a blue moon, and a pitch that Brad Haddin scores a century on?  Rubbish, absolute shite.

I’ve read in a few pieces today, that Jamie How was unlucky, as Punter pulled off an absolute blinder to remove him, but that’s bollocks,  if he middled it, it wouldn’t have been caught, know what I mean friend!

That sort of wisdom is what makes me such a cricketing superpower.

Also, Brett Lee took five wickets, and at the moment you’ve got to be absolute cocking shit for that halfwit to take ONE wicket, let alone five!

So I reckon we’ll be seeing the Kiwis back at the bottom of the original test match team league after that shocker.

We now have the exciting prospect of a proper bit of competition, with South Africa due to play the first test against Australia on the 17th December.  Now that will be a test…

In summary, Australia look ordinary, New Zealand look shit.



Six word analysis of England – New Zealand test series.

Being a dictator of your own republic, I get to make the rulez.

Six word reviews, for everyone that played more than two tests in the series.  I can’t be bothered with all these shit heads that played one test.

The England

Alastair Cook: Stupid eyeliner wearing dickhead, fucking rubbish.

Andrew Strauss: Wants to play NZ every week!

Michael Vaughan: Looks great at getting himself out

Kevin Pietersen: Scratches around until last game again!

Ian bell: fucking ginger twat.  Suave HULK SMASH!

Paul Collingwood: Time to be put to pasture?

Tim Ambrose: good with gloves, rubbish with bat

Stuart Broad: Too many pies, bats lovely though..

Ryan Sidebottom: Not great, but averaged 20. Bizarre.

Jimmy Anderson: Good, shit, good. Superb in Nottingham

Monty Panesar: One-spell series, superb oop north.

The Old Zealand

Aaron Redmond: Dear lord, this lad is SHIT!

Jamie How: Solid, dependable, not really that good.

Brendan McCullum: Not three, too mental for that.

Ross Taylor: Looks a lovely player. CALM DOWN!

Daniel Flynn: not bad, suspect to short ball.

Jacob Oram: Miserly with ball, 231 runs, somehow

Daniel Vettori: smacked around as skipper, bowled alright

Kyle Mills: good no 8 batsman, bowling rubbish.

Ian O’Brien:  Scares small children, he’s that ugly.

Chris Martin: Bowled cack, Batting is really cack

James Marshall:  Shitter than his brother.  Super shit?



New Zealand touch down.

After my visit to the dentist yesterday (fortunately no woot canaw), I had the whole afternoon to myself. I decided to check out Middlesex vs Glamorgan at Lords.

I seem to be a bad omen for cricket at Lords.

Last time I went it f*cking hammered it down non-stop for two hours, and I was literally soaked through. Wet socks, undergarments, and all.. I eventually got a cab home, only to find the sun out, and play actually happening. Damn Lords, and it’s amazing drainage.

Yesterday, I got off the tube at Regents Park in bright sunshine, and was soaked by the time I’d walked the mile to Lords.

While I was hiding from the rain, I was stood outside the ECB indoor nets, just as the New Zealand squad were arriving to practice before their game with an MCC XI on sunday.

I saw Tim Southee, the bucktoothed young buck. He was wearing flup-flops in the rain.
One of the coaches wasn’t even wearing that, no shoes at all. Actually come to think of it, the fella was short and bald, it might have been rubbish saffer all-rounder Grant Eliott.

Angry man Mark Gillespie isn’t any where near as angry off the pitch. I’m assuming he’s like Andre Nel, and suffers white line fever. He was very nice to the anoraks near me, who were autograph hunting.

I joked with Chris Martin about his batting coaching video. He laughed and said he’d give me a one on one for a few hundred quid! It sounds funny when foreigners say quid.

Jamie How looked old, and helped the van driver unpack the water for the boys. He might have to get used to that if the doesn’t start scoring runs soon!

There was also lots of fellas, that I had no idea who they were.

One thing I will say, is that test cricketers appear bigger in the flesh. Not height wise, you sort of expect them to be a certain height. I mean depth. Jamie How is about the same height as me, but is about twice as thick. (probably in more than one way, what, what!)

John Bracewell looks craggy.

I’ll be creating my picture-metaphor prize for Osmoses, after he successfully guessed the winner to last weeks quiz.



Six word reviews. The England vs New Zealand

After reading a great article here. I’ve decided to do a six word review of every player, from every test match nation.

I shall start, as is my wont, with the recently victorious The England, and their plucky opposition New Zealand

The England

Alastair Cook: Promises much, will he deliver soon?

Michael Vaughan: Michael Vaughan thinks Michael Vaughan’s wonderful. (can i get away with Vaughan’s? You Decide)

Andrew Strauss: Wing Commander needs to soar again.

Kevin Pietersen: Ever told you I am great?

Ian bell: Foreplay beautiful, intercourse over in seconds.

Paul Collingwood: Gritty northener, shovels to leg often.

Tim Ambrose: Australian wanky wicky, we shall see.

Stuart Broad: Boy band bowler, looks very good.

Ryan Sidebottom: Lion of Huddersfield likes to roar.

Jimmy Anderson: Hot wife, hot and cold bowling

Monty Panesar: Sikh of Tweak fields like spastic.

The Old Zealand 

Matthew Bell:  miss, swing, swing, miss, miss, out.

Jamie How:   How indeed?  better in ODI’s, shit.

Stephen Fleming:  Plays wonderfully until fifty, then out.

Matthew Sinclair:  Fuck I’m shit, Shoot me please

Ross Taylor:  Did well, will get found out.

Grant Elliot:  If test quality, god help us.

Brendan McCullum: Smash bang wallop, shit dropped it.

Daniel Vettori:  Used to Bowl, now a batsman.

Tim Southee:  Buck toothed young buck comes good.

Jeetan Patel:  Bowl better than skipper, still dropped.

Chris Martin: Comical batting, used to have hair.

Coming tomorrow, India vs South Africa or West Indies vs Sri Lanka



The England win first away series since 2005!

Wowow wewoow, The England have done it away from home, finally.

This is good, because it means I’m one step further away from a pink sparkly t-shirt, stating my true intentions for the bearlike south african opener.

A few more series wins like this, and it’ll be Miss-Field who starts to sweat!  That I heart The Barmy Army shirt, is gonna look lovely!

A deserved win, after some outstanding test match cricket.   I’ve always thought that to win a test match, you need at least four players to come to the party, and perform to their best.The England had Kevin Pietersen in the first innings, rescuing us from nowhere.

The Lion Of Huddersfield followed that up with his 7/47 to give The England a first innings lead.

Wing Commander Strauss then turned in his career highest score, with 177.

Stuart Broad had a wonderful all-rounders performance with 73 runs at an average of 73, and 5-132 match bowling figures.

Monty Panesar finsished with 6-126, career best figures, which would have looked a helluva lot better, had Tim Southee not brought out THE RAGE

The buck toothed young buck had a blinder last night,  scoring the fastest test match 50 in New Zealands history, after borrowing Stephen Flemings bat.

Ross Taylor ended the series as the highest run scorer, with 310 runs at an average of 51.66.  He could have a great future in international cricket this lad, very easy on the eye, and has a sound technique.

Fleming looked beautifully composed again in his final test series, never being out before 31 or after 66.  Consistent to the end.

Now for the return leg.

I imagine that we’ll see a pretty different side from NZ.  Jamie How will probably keep his place, but the walking wickets of Bell & Sinclair should be put out to pasture, and Grant Elliot looks as though he’d struggle against North Middlesex’ fourth team.



Honours even? No; bollocks are they, The England For The Win!

I really hope that headline doesn’t come to bite me on the arse!!

After a proper piece of cricket journalism, for the preview yesterday, don’t expect anything like that today!

A late night, made even later by a screaming child an hour after I eventually got to sleep, has left my brain as mush.

It started badly for The England, with no wickets while the ball was swinging.

Not that they bowled poorly, more the pitch was lifeless.

How and Bell started very slowly, but after seven overs, picked up the pace. They had soon put on 40 for the opening partnership. which while not exactly setting the world alight, is eight higher than NZ’s average opening pair.

On came Gormless, and showed why he was once considered to be the worlds finest bowler..

His second over went a little something like this..

A slowish ball (at this stage, all he had was slow, slower or slowest), on the stumps and defended

A slow, over-pitched shocker which was rightly smashed to the cover boundary

A rank wide long hop, that was smashed up and over slips, to the third man boundary

Then came the piece de resistance: A rubbish wide delivery, that was too full, and lacked pace. Bell however had got his eye in, and was seeing the glory. He chased at it, with little or no foot movement, and slashed it straight to Cook at gully.

After that he returned to his normal greatness.

Oxymoron Sidebottom had a very good day, taking 2-39 and going for less than 2 an over.

The best moment of the day, was seeing Fleming looking incredulously, as his slash through the gully region, was picked out of nowhere by Eyeliner boy himself, FEC Alastair Cook.

A stunning catch, and a great day all round in the field for Cooky.. Three catches, two of which, were absolute corkers.

Collingwood had a good day also, taking 1/16, with a great caught & bowled. He followed this up with a sharp slip catch, to get rid of Sinclair off Panesar.

Hoggard has upset me today, the yeoman, so steady and reliable. was spanked around for nearly five an over. In the same number of overs as Sideshow bob, he went for nearly 60 runs more.

Come on the Hoggster, don’t join my “I’m a little disappointed with you” list, it’s no place to be, i can tell you!

New Zealand really should have done better. How, started brightly, and should have got a century, McCullum should have reigned himself in a little.

The plus points for NZ are that Taylor & Vettori are both in, and this will give them a chance to go on to post a decent total.

But I’m in it for the win it.

Prediction for todays play

The England, to bowl ’em out early, and put themselves in to a strong first innings position.



Blimey O’Reilly, that was a bit of fun.. 360° of fun!

The England kept me up to the early hours today, with a cracking batting performance.

340-6 off 50 overs, was pretty good, but being a The England fan, there’s always a doubt in your mind..

One only has to cast their mind back to this Whupping, to see what I’m talking about..

Mustard looked “hot”, FEC Cook, was cooking with gas.. Then on came badonkadonk, and it was two wickets in two balls!

I was listening to commentary, and had decided Mark Richardson was a smart fella. His synopsis, just prior to those wickets falling, was that if Mustard went first, FIGJAM should come in next, and if Cook went, Bell should come in..

Bell & Cook, bat like test match batsmen when they’re together, yet both open up, with a more attacking player at the other end.

The decision was taken out of their hands, by Ryders wiley dibbly-dobbly’s. The ball that got Cook was pretty clever. He rolled those fat fingers down the seam, and cook was already through the shot, as it took his leg stump…

Bell & Pieterson came out firing, and looked good. Both lads scoring at over a run a ball. Bell though, got himself out to pretty boy O’Brien’s first ball of his second session, which was a little stupid.

Then out strode Captain Colly, to smite the Kiwi’s into the main stand. The Probot, has gone absolutely mental in the last two matches, socring 124 runs off 80 balls, and ending not out, both times. He’s averaging 68.5 for the series so far..

Luke Wright, also provided a decent little cameo towards the end..

Unfortunately, my digital TV provider, decided that right before the first ball was to be bowled in the Kiwi’s innings, they would shutdown.

Which was rather unfortunate. I must say.

Alas, I retired to my boudouir, and expected to wake up to a resounding The England win.

Wrong again, dear Suave!!

It seems I’ve missed the second half of an absolute cracker… Tied ODI’s don’t happen very often, and The England always like to get into the record books for the wrong reasons..

Well done to Jamie How, on a what appears to be a cracking knock. I can’t comment too much, as I never saw it. But anyone with that name, has got to be a cracking fella, great cricketer, and is probably a fair bit suave too..

The last thing to go through my mind, before going to bed, was imagining Colly’s teamtalk.

“Right lads, you’ve just seen what me and the boys have done to their medium-fast bowlers, bowling back of length. Let’s not make the same mistakes, eh! I want you to bowl tight lines, and keep it full and straight. That’s how they got our lads, so no short stuff.

My dreams were full of quick full deliveries, smashing stumps, as the Kiwi’s slogged across the line.

Damn dreams, they rarely come true.

Admittedly, if they had, I would have been in the crowd, having long, loving intercourse with Kate Winslet, whilst The England bowled out the Kiwi’s for 148.

Back to sleep for me I reckon..

Jimmy Anderson, seems to have bowled like a twat AGAIN!! This fella gets my bile duct twitching like a 6am erection.

87 runs off 10 overs, is putting him in the Liam Plunkett, Sajid Mahmood category. SHIT, SHIT, SHIT!!

Flimstar Broad, bowled a little better, taking 2 wickets, but still went for 75 runs.

Little Luke Wright, who looks like Shane Watson’s smaller brother, had a blinder with the last over. How did he bowl? Full and straight.

FULL AND STRAIGHT I TELLS YA!!