Suave's Republique Cricket


Media wankfest #2
Good, but not that good... Yet...

Good, but not that good... Yet...

Dear media,

Please stop the wankfest over Hughes’ county stint please.

Most of the runs he scored were in the County Championship 2nd division.  This is a division where the leading wicket takers are Jon Lewis & James Tredwell.

Those old fuckers weren’t even good enough to hold down a spot in The England’s ODI side, and they’re proper fucking pony.

So can we stop with the cock sucking please.  He smashed around a load of has-beens and never will be’s.

I’m not saying that the fella hasn’t got talent.   He has.   He’s averaging 69 in both test and FC cricket.  Not bad, I think you’ll agree..

What I will say, is that Jimmy Adams averaged 87 after 12 tests, and Mike Hussey averaged 80 at the start of 2008 and is now averaging 55 (to be fair that’s still higher than any current The  England batsman).

If, after the ashes he’s still averaging high 60’s, then fairly do’s, lick the boy’s testicles all you like.  Allow him to roger you roughly with bananas from his daddy’s farm, but let’s not get stupid, eh…

Now fuck off.

Update

Being a Suave fellow, I’m horrified, I say horrified at what I’ve just seen on Sky Sports News.

I know Phil Hughes is young, but there’s never an excuse to be wearing an ill fitting suit, with a shirt that has seventies style collars opened wide, to expose the chest hair.  That and the two diamond earrings, have sent my Suave sensibilities absolutely bandy..

Fucking hell, can’t someone teach the little bogan banana farmer to dress properly!



Straya are shit!
Strayan conquerers!

Strayan conquerers!

It’s official.  Australia are now only average as a cricketing side..  They’ve had their pants pulled down and been spanked by an abusive father.  It hurts kids, but get used to it!   This is what being a The England fan is all about!

The reasons for their collapse are many.  They lost two champions in McGrath & Warne, and any side would struggle after losing them.  They also seem to be moving into the old The England selection mentality, by chopping and changing players in the same way Zsa Zsa Gabor changes husbands.

Here is my in-depth, hard-hitting, journalistic reasoning for the current series loss.

Hayden is old and fucking stupid, so deserves to burn in the fiery depths of hell.

Katich should probably be captain, and remember to stop chasing really wide ones.

Punter needs to concentrate on his batting, it’s the only thing the boy does well.   He’s a fucking useless captain.

Hussey should be replaced by his brother, until he remembers how to score runs.

Pup Clarke to move up the order, and stick as vice captain.

Andrew Symonds is a prize cock and needs to fuck off and get fit, both physically and mentally.

Brad Haddin, one thinks, should have a long look at himself, and realise it’s not Adam Gilchrist in the reflection.  Stop it you fucking cud chewing cowcock.

Brett Lee.  Shoot the damn dog.  Shit, shit, shit.

Mitchell Johnson is their only decent bowler at present, and needs to be left as a shock not stock bowler.

Nathan Hauritz is not good enough to trouble the North Midd 4th XI, so why he’s playing for the “Number One” side in the world, I’ll never know?!

Peter Sizzle wants to spend a season playing first class cricket for Victoria.  Has real potential, but no way near enough experience..

Their is a bleak outlook for Australia for the near future.  I predict a three nil drubbing at home, and am pretty confident, that they’ll win fuck all in South Africa.   Not the best preperation for an ashes tour.

Check back later for my appraisal of the South Africa side, and Suave’s Suavest 2008 XI.

UPDATE!

After reading mediawatch, the daily news column of Football365.com, I found something to delight me further, even though I feel like dog turd.

Australia: Their Year In Sport
Rugby Union: Beaten in September’s Tri-Nations final.

Rugby League: Beaten by New Zealand in September’s World Cup final – a shock result described as the ‘most significant upset in the history of international rugby league’.

Cricket: Beaten in India and then on home soil by South Africa – their first series defeat in Austraila for 16 years.

Olympics: Even beaten by Great Britain.
It’s gone well then!



Have that you slags!
See how we slay all before us!

See how we slay all before us!

Have that you fuckers!!

After correctly predicting that Australia were piss-weak pansies (for those who don’t recall, it’s here.)

The Saffers proved how strong they are mentally, to defeat the Aussies, and chasing 414 in the fourth innings.   This is the second highest run chase of all time.  Pretty fucking good I’d say.

This brings me to Ricky Ponting.   Here’s some stuff others have written about the hairy little cockstick.  Jrod from the ever brilliant Cricket With Balls had this to say  “Excuse me Ricky“.

Also, take a look over at Beer & Sport, where Moses is in the mood for  a fight too!

What a prize cunt!

Firstly, he blamed the pitch.  Boo fucking hoo, the pitch was rubbish eh..  How come them dirty saffers could take 20 wickets on it?  Prick.

  • Maybe it’s picking two blokes with little or no first class experience, then putting them in against the two best sides in world cricket.  You’re honestly surprised that these fella’s didn’t bowl teams out?!  Fuck off dicksuck.
  • Maybe it’s because Brett Lee is weeping himself to sleep because his ex-wife is rooting someone with a bigger cock.  (I reckon your wife is too!)
  • Maybe it’s because you’re the worst captain in world cricket, and you’re finally being shown up for the half wit you really are.

All I can say is, there ain’t much love out there for you kid, so watch your back.. Know what I mean!



Australia v West Indies, 2nd Test review.

Indepth Player analysis.

Australia

Phil Jacques.  OMG he;s like so shit in the field and like had to hide from some other blokes shit long hops all match, and thing.

Simon Katich.  he looks like a crab and things, and he got hurt and stuff.

Ricky Ponting.  LOL, where’s that hair from, looks like he picked it up off the road and stuff. ROFL

Michael Clarke.  He’s so fit and that.

Mike Hussey.  God all I did was sleep when i saw this old bloke.  He’s like so boring and that.  Fuckoff grand dad

Andrew Symonds.  He looks like predator LMAO.  He’s scary like a bear

Brad Haddin.  ROFL, looks a bit like some ovvver bloke that used to bend down and things.

Brett Lee.  Gay, wants to design pants for teenage boys, ROFL.  Call the coPS

Mitchell Johnson.  big teeth xxxLMAOxxx Shit.

Stuart Clark.  BORIng.  Sent ME TO sleep and shit, and all that other stuff

West Indies

Xavier Marshall.  OMG looks nice, and fly.  Shoots to soon.

Devon Smith.  UGLY! Fuckoff uglyboy.

Ramnaresh Sarwan.  He’s like cute and thing, gets a bit crazy but goes all the way LOL xxx.x.xx

Runako Morton.  You gonna get raped.  OMG HE@S SHITa and scary N that,

Shivnarine “Lord Megachief Of Gold” Chanderpaul.  he looks like that strayan bloke, but is millions better and things

Dwayne Bravo.  all blinged up and no place to go, ROFL.

Denesh Ramdin.  Cute, Shit, but Cute.

Darren Sammy.  OMG he could be good, but isn’t really and stuff

Jerome Taylor.  Good, bad and ugly LMAOxxx ROFL<

Daren Powell.  Shit

Fidel Edwards. You never guess WHAT, he’s like really quick and stuff, but he misses too much LOL



Third Test Preview

Oh dear! At the risk of getting some serious abuse in five days time, The England will win this test match, and the series.

New Zealand have lost their two best bowlers from this series, in Jacob Oram and Kyle Mills.

They’ve replaced them with Grant Elliot a dirty saffer, all-rounder. His first class form looks OK, with an average of 28 with the bat, and 34 with the ball. I don’t think he’s going to trouble The England too much, but I’ve never seen the man play.

Mills is replaced by young buck Tim Southee, for a proper piece of journalism about this fella pop over to Cricket With Balls. When I say proper journalism, I mean Ice cream of consciousness blogging. But what blogging!!

He looks as though he could be someone to look out for, after being voted player of the tournament at the recent u19 world cup, but he’s no Shane Bond.

Jeetan Patel comes in for Angry Man Gillespie, which should bog The England’s middle order down no end. We really need to start scoring at a better rate against him and Vettori. It’s said that The England struggle playing spin, but the county championship is full of left arm orthodox and off spinners. It’s a matter of rotating the strike. If you watch Clarke, Hussey and Ponting playing spin, they take lots of singles, and then smash the bad balls.

As for The England, it looks as though the team will remain unchanged, although their are small doubts about Collingwood and Anderson. Andersons ankle knack is still a bit sore, but he should be fit. Collingwood has bruised his calf muscle, but again, he should be fit to play.

Players to watch..

The England

Kevin Pietersen. KP since being married has turned into a full blown The Englishman, which means he has no luck, gets out in the 20’s and 30’s a lot, and never goes on to score big. He’s going to pummel an attack soon, and this attack really should be it.

Stuart Broad. Young stud had a great 2nd innings in Wellington, showing proper aggressive fast bowling. This is going to be a very different surface, but if you want to be one of the best bowlers in world cricket, you need to learn to take wickets on all kinds of pitches.

Kiwi Land

Tim Southee. He’s got a chance to get himself on to the team bus to The England, if he performs in this test. If he gets smashed, it could see him quickly back to first class cricket with no more cricket for a few months. We’re going to see the character of this young buck on show tonight.

Daniel Vettori. If it’s as slow as it was in Hamilton, Vettori’s going to be a proper handful. His batting has been superb recently, but his bowling figures are a fair bit below fellow left arm orthodox spinner Monty Panesar so far.

My prediction is for The England to win this test comfortably.



A weekend of wonderment.

A few things happened over the weekend (I very rarely touch t’internet, as I don’t get paid for it over that precious time!)

Kiwi’s lulling us into a false sense of security!

It appears my Hulk Smash predictions, have already come to bite me on the arse (and a rather suave arse it is, if I do say so myself).

New Zealand bowled The England out for a measly 130. Ace Shah, involved in all three run outs. Cook coming in for Luke Wright and being a bit shit. Bopara came in for the Sri Aussie superstar, and stayed true to his recent form, by being absolutely shit. The long hop he smacked to a fielder, would have been smashed out of the park, if he was wearing his Essex pyjamas..

Ian Bell had the following to say, in his column in The Independent.

“But hats off to the Black Caps. They went into the match under enormous pressure and they responded really well. They bowled superbly straight on the drop-in pitch and fielded like tigers. We suffered three run-outs, which typified our efforts on the day a bit.

It shouldn’t have happened, but in our defence I’d make the point about the peculiarity of New Zealand grounds. Many of them are primarily rugby stadiums – for which purpose they were built – which makes for some odd pitch placements and boundary perimeters.

It also means there is no conventional square so that a ball, struck from a drop-in pitch, is effectively travelling over a rugby pitch, softer, springier turf making the ball hold up.”

Which translates as…

We were shit, they were good, but it’s them bloody rugby stadiums wot done it. we wuz scared Jonah Lomu was going to come and sack us.

Wing Commander Andrew Strauss

Had another shocker, scoring 10 before losing his wicket, to the truly amazing, bestest bowler in the universe, Iain O’Brien.  That boy is good (and in true Coming to America style), Good and terrible!

Australia vs India, MCG.

A game took place at the MCG yesterday too, which was played on a pitch, that seemed to be made of treacle. How is it that King Probot managed to score 65 no, whilst no one else seemed to be able to hit it off the square. Maybe this is what makes him one of the top ODI players in world cricket? He looks average at all times, yet scores lots on really shit pitches.. Stranger things have happened at sea.

Ishant Sharma, at his mark, ready to deliver a rising ball to the shoulder of YOUR bat!

Ishant Sharma had a cracking game, with 4-38, which would have been much better had he not been smashed for 18 off one over.  Super bowling from the young fella, he was pitching just short of a good length, and really getting it to lift.  Ponting was fending just under his chin, and it still took the shoulder of the bat.

I remember when Stephen Harmison used to be able to do that.

Let’s hope that Sri Lanka can raise their game, and make this CB series as interesting as it looks on paper.



Strauss in “I’m still shit” shocker.

I’m still shit! I can’t believe the natives of NZ have found me out too!

Andrew Strauss

Wing Commander flew out to New Zealand early, to get some practice in, before rightfully resuming his place at the top of the order for The England.

He’d signed up to play for Northern Districts, which I’m assuming is a place on the north island where there are those famed animals Districts.

A rest was all he needed, before he re-discovered the awesome form, which saw him become the second fastest player in history to 1000 runs (recently overtaken by King Probot, Mike Hussey).

Alas, it hasn’t happened. Posh lad is still fucking shit. Averaging 20 after 8 innings with a topscore of 39, playing in New Zealand. Even Alex Gidman averages more. Now that’s embarrassing.

How on earth can he be considered for The England’s test squad, when he can’t even batter New Zealand’s district trundlers..

As opening partnerships go, Wing Commander & Trescothick were pretty fucking good. With Cosmo Pinup Cook however, they were shit. They never get us off to a decent start, primarily, because they both have the same technique/temperament (CPCook being a better player)

Cook & Vaughan looked good in Sri Lanka, and for the first time in a fair while, actually gave us two 100run opening partnerships.

Here is my message to Sociopath Geoff Miller.

Clip his wings, and send him home.

Please.

UPDATE

Michael Vaughan had this to say about Shit Posh Lad.

“There’s a real chance that Strauss coming back will mean my moving down to number three,” he said ahead of the first Test on 4 March.

“If I open that’s fine but I also love batting at three and I think that’s a good position for a captain to be at.

“Strauss has come back because he has a huge amount of character, great experience and we like that – he has always opened and I like batting at three, so I expect that’s how it’ll be.”

Stupid Captain thunderbird.