Suave's Republique Cricket

Tommy Cooper, we salute you.
January 20, 2009, 11:49 am
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Not much to report today, Sri Lanka are doing terribly against Pakistan.   Mahela Jayawardene has turned into a joke, averaging 7.4 over his last 10 odi’s.  Oh dear, may be it’s time to look at dual captaincy, and to drop the fella?

Whilst trying to edumacate you kids in the finer parts of t’internet, and jokers being my subject of the day, I found this about Tommy Cooper.    Lovely little cricket joke.

‘So I said to the doctor. ‘People keep taking the Mickey out of me because I keep thinking I’m a cricket ball’

‘The doctor said ‘Howzat?’

I said, ‘don’t you start’.

Dilshan Smashes Kittens.
January 6, 2009, 11:29 am
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The evil bastard!

He scored 162 at nigh on a run a ball in the 1st innings, then set up a huge fourth innings total for the ‘deshis to chase, with 143*, averaging 305 for the match.   Nice..

That wasn’t enough for they psycho killer (Qu’est-ce que c’est ?), na na na na na na na… No, he then had to take 4/10 off his rotten off-spinners.

What an evil shit bag.

He averages a mere 70, with 4 of his 7 centuries coming against the mighty Rhodesia and East Pakistan.

Dilshan really needs to start picking on people his own size (metaphorically anyway, he’s a skinny little lad, who’d get a good hiding in real life)!

What we’re basically saying, is we like Dilshan, we loved him when he took 3 run out chances in an ODI innings against Australia a few years back, but we’d like to see you do it against Australia, South Africa, Pakistan and a bit more against The England..

Paul Grayson The Wonderhorse.

In the last few 20/20 games for Essex, head coach Paul Grayson has tinkered with the Essex batting line up, based on conditions and opposition, and the fella has pulled it off every time.

Firstly against Sussex, he spoke with Super Smasher Graham Napier, and hearing that he was middling everything, sent him in at first drop, where he smashed the current The English 20/20 highest score.

He also pushed him up the order against Yorkshire in the FP trophy, where he cracked a 34 ball 61.

In the next game against Northants, he looked at their bowling line up, realised that Napier’s strengths are against medium to quicks, and that they have three excellent players of spin in their middle order, in Grant Flower, James Foster & my man to watch Ryan Ten Doeschate.  So Grayson changed the lineup, sent Ravi Bopara into open the batting, (scoring a quickfire 47), before the middle order came in and worked the Northants spinners around.  By the time Napier came in, there was one over of spin left, and he hit 40 off 20, to push Essex up to 192-9.  A very good score to defend, especially after the heavens opened, and gave the pitch a little zip.

What I’m trying to say is, well done Paul Grayson for having the knowledge and the balls to change things around in important games, and it’s come off.   Essex are in both short form finals days so far, and expect them to fare well in the Pro40 shite too.

In other news, Sri Lanka are replacing the zim zimmers, who got the keys to me bimmer, for next years test and ODI series.  A much more challenging prospect, and in my eyes a good one to get us prepared for the Aussies.

Hopefully, we’ll get to see a fair bit of this Mendis fella too.

Although us The English are going to be ripped apart by him, as we’re shit at mystery spin.

Toodle pip.

This young buck looks a bit tasty!
April 11, 2008, 11:24 am
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Is he a lusty leggy, yes.  and a fornicating flipper, he also bowls off-spin.

New Sri Lankan wunderkind Ajantha Mendis, looks like he could be the next in line, to the Spin King throne.

He bowls leggys, offies, googlies, flippers and top spinners, all from a slightly different hand position, whihc is exceedinly difficult to pick up

In his last first class season, for the Sri Lankan army, he took 46 wickets at an average of 10.56 and a strike rate of 31.  That’s phenonenal. Especially as they’re brought up playing spin.

Yesterday, against the Windies, he took 3-39 in his first ODI..

The ball that bewitched and lbw-ed Chris Gayle was a great way to introduce yourself to world cricket.

Then one that drifted in and straightened to take off stump was far too good for poor old Darren Sammy.

Watch this space!

Good gracious, those wacky West Indians have won a test match!

What is this winning you talk of? I thought it went out of fashion in the 80\'s

West Indies recorded their first win at Queens Park Oval since 2000, with an excellent fourth innings run chase, against a fairly ordinary Sri Lankan attack.

Chaminda Vaas & Murali battled well, but in the end were not supported nearly enough, by the rest of their attack.

Let’s put the chase into perspective though, it was only 253 over two days, with 10 wickets in hand.  That’s not huge, but I’m guessing that The England would have capitulated, as we break out in cold sweats every time a mystery spinner takes the field.

Credit where credit is due, the Windies attack had some moments of magic, which gave them the opportunity.  One bowler in each innings really stepped to the plate, and the others did a little bit to help.


Ramneresh Sarwan.  Sarwan scored over 300 runs in the two test series, at an average of 77.  Good returns for a man who’s been out for 10 months.  The best batsman in the side.

Shivnarine Chanderpaul.  Lord Megachief Of Gold. Supported Sarwan beautifully, and showed why these two are so important to the West Indies, both are brilliant players of spin, and when you’re in a firefight, the two little fellas are the only players that seem as if they want it.

Thilan Samaraweera.  His brilliant 125 in the third innings, gave the Sirils a sniff.  Along with the auld fella Vaas, put on some very valuable runs.  I think he probably read my six word review of him, and decided he wasn’t happy being an anony mouse (Lovely little creatures).  Deserved more.

Jerome Taylor.  His second innings performance was very good, quick and dangerous. He took 4-52.

Fidel Edwards.  In the Sri Lankan first innings, he was half decent taking 4-84 (although went at nearly 5 an over).


Marlon Samuels.  Looks shit, is a chucker, is friends with Indian bookies.  Not a fan of this fella at all, and if I was in charge, he’d be out, until the ICC have sorted all this shit out.

The West Indian attack.  It’s too samey.  Taylor, Powell and Edwards are all quick and straight, with no real variety.  Once you’re in against these boys, it’s very easy to score off of them.  They offer up too much dross.  They have two specialist spinners in the squad, and chose not to use either of them. 

The Sri Lankan top four.  Scored 128 runs between them in two innings.  The fact that they two of these players are King Kumar, and Mahela Jayawardene, you would expect more.  Warnapura and Vandort were also fucking terrible.   This cost them the match.

Mirando & Amerasinghe.  Shit, Shit, Shit.  Sri Lanka must be praying that Malinga & Fernando are back soon, because these two knobbers, went for lots of runs, and took hardly any wickets.  It’s back to the days when if you could see off Vaas, and block out Murali, you could fill your boots.


The West Indies have Australia next.  They are going to get crushed.  The best they can hope for, is that one of their bowlers turns up in every innings and makes it a bit of a fight.  They need a more varied attack, and a proper quality spinner.

The batting line up needs a shakeup too, Samuels should be dropped.

Sri Lanka have the ingredients to stay in the top 5, when they get Malinga & Fernando back.  Their opening partnership needs a bit of time to bed in, but should be OK.

Six word reviews. West Indies vs Sri Lanka.

So, today we move on to the other sides playing test match cricket.  It’s the windies and the Sirils..

Still have Pakistan and Bangladesh to come.

West Indies

Chris Gayle: Scared of Vaas, losing coolness daily

Devon Smith: Cricinfo says belligerent, never seen belligering.

Ramnaresh Sarwan: Upset McGrath, nearly caused a war.

Marlon Samuels: Chucker, friend of bookies, dodgy fucker

Shivnarine Chanderpaul: Lord Megachief Of Gold. Enough Said.

Dwayne Bravo: Should be great, chooses lazy shite.

Dinesh Ramdin: Does his mummy know he’s here?

Ryan Hinds:  Desmond Haynes loves him, he’s shit.

Sulieman Benn: Stupid name, doesn’t take wickets. Shit.

Jerome Taylor: Bowls really quick, never really threatening

Daren Powell: averages 46, that’s mohammed sami shit.

Sri Lanka

Michael Vandort: A bambi Boycott, accumulates very slowly

Malinda Warnapura: New boy, likes windies and bangladesh.

Kumar Sangakkara: Suave, erudite, batting behemoth. Loves runs.

Mahela Jayawardene: Is a Proboth. (this is not part of the six words, but look at his profile on Cricinfo).  Destroys bowlers sadistically

Thilan Samaraweera: Who he? averages 40, no-one cares.

Tillakaratne Dilshan: Brilliant fielder, big ears, was muslim.

Prasanna Jayawardene: (Wk) Kumar can’t be bothered.  I can!

Chaminda Vaas: Wiley old dog, likes Chris Gayle

Thilan Thushara: Literally know nothing about this fella.

Rangana Herath: first class figures great, test, shit.

Muttiah Muralitharan: Highest wicket taker of all time.

Sri Lanka in “we’re shit in pyjamas”, shocker!

Hubba hubba hubba…  I hope she’s not shit in pyjamas.

(Miss Sri Lanka 2006, Jacqueline Fernandez

Bloody nora…

Sri lanka, are worse than everybody at one day cricket!!

How can a team with Jayawardene, King Kumar, Murali, Malinga & Vaas, be so poor in this series?

They seem to have lost the ability to bat, for any length of time. If King Kumar or Jayawardene fail, the whole team does.

Chamara Silva looked promising, Dilshan flatters to deceive, and the rest of them are shit.

Jayasuriya, come in now, your time is up.. Poor old benevolent Uncle, he should be put out to pasture now.

They just haven’t been able to keep up, with an unusually poor ‘Strayan side (although them damn aussies keep winning), and a fairly strong Indian side.

The yoofs in this Indian side, are coming on a real treat.. Ishant Sharma continues to look dangerous, taking four wickets today. Praveen Kumar also looks like a tidy bowler.

fast bowling, hardest game in the world, 30 years man and boy.

The slightly worrying thing for India, is what in hell has happened to Munaf Patel!!!!

I watched his first ever test match, against The England, and he ripped us apart, taking seven wickets..

He had good line and length, pace, swing, both normal and reverse, he had toe crushing yorkers, he probably had a massive schlong, the best looking girlfriend, and was really popular too!

But now, fuck my old boots, the fella is ugly as sin, has a tiny weener, no one likes him, he can’t bowl yorkers, or swing the ball.

Seeing as the Aliens left the Tasman Devil, Ponting, this weekend, I reckon they’ve found a new home