Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Andrew Flintoff, Andrew Strauss, Ashes, Ashes 2009, australia, Cricket, England, Greame Swann, james anderson, Kevin Pietersen, Matt Prior, Monty Panesar, Nathan Hauritz, paul collingwood, Ravi Bopara, Six Word Reviews, stuart broad
Here we are again, with Suave’s six word reviews. Australia to come this afternoon.
Piss poor captaincy, shit with bat.
Fucking piss-weak, public school cunt.
Outwitted, then fucked over by Doctrove
Look at me, stupid ego cunt.
Gritty street fighter, better than spinners
looks OK, no smashing just yet.
Bowled into ground, now fucking crocked.
Can’t bowl for shit, find length!!!
Worse than Hauritz. One funny fucker.
Batting supremo. Pitch it up, wanker!
Too quick, no variation, soon gone.
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: 20/20, 20/20 World cup, 20/20 World cup 2009, Adil Rashid, Cricket With Balls, Darron Reekers, De Nederlanders, De Nederlands, Dirk Nannes, Dirty Dirk, England, fucktrog, Holland, Johann Cruyff, Jrod, Last of The Summer Whine, Len The Yorkshire Kitman, Luke Wright, Pakistan, Q, Ravi Bopara, ricky schroder, Rob Key, Ryan Ten Doeschate, stuart broad, Stuart MacGill, T20i, The England, The Netherlands, Tom De Grooth, Well Pitched, west indies
What the fuck happened there?!
Destiny, my friends, that’s what.
After mastering total football in the 70’s under Johan Cruyff, de Nederlanders have now decided to do the same in 20/20 cricket.
Watch out boys and girls, they were unstoppable (except by Ze Germans) at football during that time, and are bound to do the same to all and sundry in this 20/20 World Cup (luckily Ze Germans are not here). Never before has there been such a sublime display of a cricket, from a side wearing oranje.
Dirty Dirk bowled well, without any real penetration.
It was left to a couple of old blacksmiths to cause the damage. Darron Reekers who started off in big bludgeoning style, followed up by Tom De Grooth, who smashed The England all over Lords. Jrod loved it so much he almost threw up!
My man Ryan Ten Doeschate even got in on the act, a cracking allround display, with a red inker and taking the wickets of Ravi Bopara & Luke Wright.
The England have two young stars at the top of their order, and the rest are a bunch of cunts. Even Rob Key, the fat knacker.
The bowling, beyond the opening pair was shithouse. Rashid looked good against the West Indies, but was goes for too many runs. He reminds me of Stuart MacGill, long hops, full tosses and the odd unplayable delivery. No fucking good at 20/20, I’m afraid (and surely the fact that he doesn’t get in Yorkshire’s side, should have given them some idea, no?).
Stuart Broad couldn’t hit six stumps, the useless Ricky Schroder lookalike fucktrog.
I’m happy to lose to the Dutch though, because it might make this bunch of fuckfaced De Engelsen players actually learn to play proper 20/20 cricket. Hardly any of them actually play it, they’re learning the game in T20i’s.
Here’s to getting spanked by Pakistan on Sunday, and being out of the competition within 3 days! Good times, my friends!
Filed under: Cricket, Fail, FailCricket, LOLCricket | Tags: England, Fail, fail pictures, FailCricket, Food Fail, Lol, LOLCricket, Ravi Bopara
Recent man of the series Ravi Bopara has become a media darling of late. Just so he doesn’t get too big for his boots, and because I’ve missed LOLCricketz, here’s some lovely stuff for you kiddywinks.
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Adil Rashid, Ashley Giles, Cricket, Cricket With Balls, England, Geoff Miller, Graeme Swann, india, James Foster, Matt Prior, Michael Vaughan, Monty Panesar, Owais Shah, Ravi Bopara, Selection Cocks, The England, Tim Ambrose, Tony Frost
The touring squad for India has just been picked, and there are no major surprises anywhere. Which is all a bit tedious if you ask me.
The three main areas of contention were..
The replacement for Mickey V, him of the central contract and the straight ball issue.
The place has gone to Ace, as he’s an exceptional player of spin, and had a handy performance in India back in the winter of 2005, I’ve no problem with this one, as he’s shown class for The England whenever he’s played of late, and Rav The Chav has been smashing mediocre Division Two bowlers around all season. I mean fucking hell, Tony Frost, some brummy landscape gardener, with myopia, averaged 80 in division two this year.
Second we had the wanky wicky conundrum.
Matt Prior and Tim Ambrose had increment contracts, which is like a temp version of a central contract, so were the obvious choices for the selectors.
Prior Deserved it, Ambrose didn’t. The man is shit. Can’t catch and can’t bat at international level. IT should have gone to Essex Wonder Wicky, James Foster. He’s the best wicket keeper in the country by a long shot, and his batting is reliable, and solid. And to rub salt in to the wounds he doesn’t even get a shout with the development squad. If I was James Foster, I’d be talking to a few geezers in dark corners of Essex boozers about where the selection panel live. Know what I mean son? A nod is as good as a wink to a blind man.
Then we get two them troublesome spinners.
The choices were Monty Panesar, Greame Swann and Adil Rashid.
They’ve picked The Sikh of Tweak, and gobby bloke.
Young Buck don’t even get a sniff, which is shit.
He’s the highest wicket taker out of any spinner in the country. He’s taken 62 wickets at 30, and is a better batsman the Swanny, and has proven runs for The England Hedgehogs out in India too.
Jrod over at the peerless Cricket with Balls, had this to say…
He seems to have been chosen under the Ashley Giles selection policy.
“Sure he doesn’t take many wickets, but he can bat a bit, and everyone likes him, so lets take him along. “
The fact that Ashley Giles is on the selection committee probably had a lot to do with that!
Arsebiscuits to the lot of em..
Rashid is a better option, and he needs to be tested against quality opposition, to see where he really is. Being sent on The Hedgehog tour again, is like sending him back to do the same year at school, like the big retarded kid with the sideburns who smashes kids up for their lunch money.
They sent him away to improve his bowling last winter and he took more wickets than any other spinner in English cricket. What more do they need?
Some will say he’s too young, but he’s the same age as Murali was when he made his debut, and he was nowt special til he developed his doosra.
And off spinners are shit heads, FACT.
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Ajantha Mendis, Cricket, England, Essex CCC, Graham Napier, Grant Flower, James Foster, Paul Grayson, Ravi Bopara, Ryan Ten Doeschate, Sri Lanka, Sussex, The England, Yorkshire CCC
In the last few 20/20 games for Essex, head coach Paul Grayson has tinkered with the Essex batting line up, based on conditions and opposition, and the fella has pulled it off every time.
Firstly against Sussex, he spoke with Super Smasher Graham Napier, and hearing that he was middling everything, sent him in at first drop, where he smashed the current The English 20/20 highest score.
He also pushed him up the order against Yorkshire in the FP trophy, where he cracked a 34 ball 61.
In the next game against Northants, he looked at their bowling line up, realised that Napier’s strengths are against medium to quicks, and that they have three excellent players of spin in their middle order, in Grant Flower, James Foster & my man to watch Ryan Ten Doeschate. So Grayson changed the lineup, sent Ravi Bopara into open the batting, (scoring a quickfire 47), before the middle order came in and worked the Northants spinners around. By the time Napier came in, there was one over of spin left, and he hit 40 off 20, to push Essex up to 192-9. A very good score to defend, especially after the heavens opened, and gave the pitch a little zip.
What I’m trying to say is, well done Paul Grayson for having the knowledge and the balls to change things around in important games, and it’s come off. Essex are in both short form finals days so far, and expect them to fare well in the Pro40 shite too.
In other news, Sri Lanka are replacing the zim zimmers, who got the keys to me bimmer, for next years test and ODI series. A much more challenging prospect, and in my eyes a good one to get us prepared for the Aussies.
Hopefully, we’ll get to see a fair bit of this Mendis fella too.
Although us The English are going to be ripped apart by him, as we’re shit at mystery spin.
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Cricket, Essex, FP Trophy, Kolpakshire, Leicestershire, Ravi Bopara
Ravi Bopara went batshit yesterday, scoring 201no off 138 balls, to smash Kolpakshire out of the FP One Day Trophy.
He’s a super magic man. Though he’s bound by shamen law, what goes on tour stays on tour!
What a lad! He took 85 balls to reach 100, then 52 to reach 200.. His last fifty came of 16 deliveries! Biff, Bash, Wallop!
That boy’s good! Good and tewwible!
To top it off, he took 2-34, all in front of Geoff Miller, the head selector fella.
Ravi is averaging 91 in one day cricket this year. He’s hit 455 in seven innings. Not bad, I says!
He’s also averaging 55 in first class cricket too. Let’s hope he can convert the huge talent on to the international scene.
Ravi is my hero today.
That is all.
Oh, and Bon Iver too. Any music fans out there should check them out. I watched him in a church last night, and he was fucking magic, I tells ya!