Suave's Republique Cricket

Is he an alabaster retard?
August 28, 2008, 11:56 am
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It’s good to see Durham are still playing on uncovered pitches oop north.

We’re only half way through day two and 20 wickets have fallen for 250 runs. 

Is it any wonder Lord Bobert Of Key got so pissed off with the pitch inspectors recently.  This being after their championship game lasted three days.

Now, I’ve never played on that wicket but it does look like a medium pacers paradise.  Hampshire bowler Dangeranus took 5/45, then super Mark Davies took a superb 8/24 for Durham.

Did he done poop in Geoff Millers house?

Did he done poop in Geoff Millers house?

I’m not sure what’s wrong with the lad, there must be something, he’s taken 209 FC wickets @ 21.57 excluding this match, (Fucking hell, how good is that? That’s a rhetorical question by the way)  yet he’s constantly ignored by selectors. 

Does he stink of rancid shit?

Does he have a penchant for small children?

Is he secretly an alien?

Is he really a viking warrior?

How the fuck would I know, I’m in a stupid godforsaken country that’s proud to be associated with the worst vegetable in the world!

Saurav Ganguly in “I love handbags” shocker
August 27, 2008, 12:34 pm
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He’s been known to partake in handbags on the pitch from time to time, but Suave can no reveal that Lord Ganguly of Uphisarseasthan loves to carry them whilst shopping.

Maybe Mims can help me identify the exact make and model so that you boys can also be “On trend”

Ooh get you, with your handbag

Ooh get you, with your handbag

What to do about Jimmy?
August 27, 2008, 8:53 am
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Jimmy Anderson is an enigma.

He started his bowling career as an ODI specialist, and has now knocked off 94 appearances.

In the last year, he has suddenly started bowling like a proper test match bowler, yet in ODI’s he’s turned to horseshit. 

His last few series averages are:

Sri Lanka vs The England – 4wkts @ 48.25

New Zealand vs The England – 4 wkts @ 67.50

The England vs New Zealand – 5 wkts @ 41.40

The England vs South Africa – So far 0 wkts for 44runs off 8 overs.

His average for this year is 60.33 with an economy of 5.71

His career average has dropped to above 30 from 27 in less than a year!!!  That my friends is pony, and I suggest he gets the bullet for the next ODI.  Whilst he’s been hidden to an extent, with how well his other three quicks are performing, I don’t see KP putting up with it for too much longer.

Bresnan is next in line, I would suggest based on current form, and would add too an already strong batting line up.

If he gets another chance he’s going to have to perform, or I’m gonna tie the shit head up, beat him within an inch of his life and cuckold him, whilst he watches me making sweet music with his wife:

You winning bastards
August 26, 2008, 6:29 pm
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How fucking dare they… That’s what I say.

How very dare they have a perfect ODI.  Bowl the opposition out for under a hundred and knock off the score for no wickets down.  Dirty The English Bastards!

Seriously, I’m happy as a pig in shit.   What a performance.  Stuart Broad was world class, his line and length were McGrath like, and the boy ran and ran and ran until he looked like he was going to be sick.  Then you had Fred & Harmison bowling quick and dangerously at the other end.  I’d rather not face that me sen.

The other massive positive was Matt Prior.  His keeping was exceptional, and the catch he took away to his left was stunning (if he learns to do that to his right, he’s made).  To follow it up with 45no, streaky, but the scorecards don’t say that.  Top job foreign wanky wicky.

My only real concern is Jimmy Anderson though.  Two games, 8 overs, 44 runs, at 5.5 an over.  Carry on like that girly boy, and Suave’s a gonna smash ya!

I’m in all sorts of pain today, slightly less so than yesterday, but still, it’s making me angry.  Today’s game, however  has made the sun shine brightly.  I finished work at 3.30 CET, which was when the game kicked off, I got four beers inside me, and The England have spanked the Saffers.  Life is good.  It’s difficult to be too angry after all that, but the rage is flowing;  by flowing, I mean trickling.  A nod is a good as a wink to a blind man, no what I mean?.

A big hello to Spearpoint, and an apology for not answering sooner, but you’re South African and nice, and that has confused me no end 😉

Now fuck off you ungrateful bastards.

August 19, 2008, 11:26 am
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: , , , ,

Quick post, too busy, brain is mush.

Just wanted to say, YOU’SE ALL SHITE!!!

Up the mighty The Essex!

Hard hitting journalism strikes again.

Who gets a hulk smash?

After a pretty abject summer, barely beating New Zealand and losing to South Africa, here is my summer test review.

In it, I decide through Suave’s hulk smash phenomonen, who survives and who feels the pain.

Alastair Cook

Eyeliner escapes a two handed hulk smash, as he actually scored a decent amount of runs.  The one handed hulk smash comes about because the Little shithead has forgotten how to get past 60.

Andrew Strauss

full on hulk smash for Wing Commander.  Scored nothing until he was under scrutiny again, and to be honest looks shit against all world class attacks.  Should be sent to the local boozer to regale young fellows with stories of his heroics in The War.  Fucking posh twat.

Michael Vaughan

Nothing to add really, as the straight ball missing, weird mulleted former skipper, seems to have hulk smashed himself.  Lucky boy cos he was gonna get it big time!

Kevin Pietersen

New Skipper, top run-scorer, all-round talented fucker.  He gets a little David Banner type hug.  Keep it up big man.

Ian Bell

Semi smashing again, as the 199 at Lords was a cracking knock.  Only two of his test centuries have come in a winning side, and he never scores one without someone above him doing it too, which when you look at our opening pair, is proof enough that he’s no number 3.  Not mentally tough enough, ginger, weird snarl thing when concentrating.  Fuck it, he’ s convinced me to proper hulk smash him!

Paul Collingwood

Partially redeemed himself with his last two knocks, but gets the full HULK SMASH with extra cheese.  Send him to the glue factory.  Not good enough, and we need to bed in a young buck.  I reckon Adil Rashid or Ravi Bopara should get the nod.  Both are excellent fielders, both are decent bowlers and they ain’t too shabby with the bat either.

Andrew Flintoff

I will never hulk smash big lad.  I love him, his passion, his lovely wife, his pace, even his woeful foot movement.  He can do no wrong.

Tim Ambrose

Fucking hell, I’ve got a family sized can of whupass just for this little shit for brains.  This is the worst hulksmashing you’ve ever seen, cars being tossed, huge holes in the ground, and little wanky wicky dying a slow, painful death!  Fuck off now.  Read and Foster are far superior with the gloves and a bit better with the bat, and Prior is miles better with the bat.

Stuart Broad

He’s big, he’s bad, he’s better than his dad.  Or at least we hope he is.  Bats lovely, bowls OK.  Got better as the summer went on, but is no Simon Jones. First change bowlers need to take wickets, and constantly apply pressure, and he’s not doing that yet…  I have resisted hulk smashing, but reserve the right to do so at a later date!

Ryan Sidebottom

Not good enough, but still miles better than most of our bowlers.  Back problems meant he was farily innocuous towards the end of summer.  Should have been dropped earlier for health reasons.

Stephen J Harmison

Still gets the hulk smash I’m afraid.  As Duncan Fletcher said, you’ve got to take wickets in your first spell (he was unlucky, with eyeliners drop but…).   His strike-rate was over 60, which when compared to Dale Steyn, South Africa’s premier quick, is nearly twice as bad.  Hulk Smashed until his brain works properly and he can continuously hulk smash batsmen himself!

James Anderson

The wee man has done me proud this summer.  Good consistent bowling, excellent fielding, and some decent lower order batting to boot.  This is the first time in years that I actually don’t want to hurt him, which is nice.  Cuddles all round.

Monty Panesar

SMASH!  Fuck off Monty until you learn to bowl an arm ball or a doosra.  Not good enough and India will dismantle him again this winter, followed by ‘Straya spanking his arse all next summer.   I will be a little easy on him, in that The England don’t have a specialist spin bowling coach, so he pretty much has to do it on his own.   All I want from you is some effort, as The Broken Family Band once sang.  Learn to bowl another delivery, keep trying to learn to bat, and get a little confidence man, you’re a Sikh Warrior, recall your ancestors triumphs, bring forth the rage your fellow Sikhs felt after Operation Blue Star.  Something, anything, you fucking boring twat!

Check back soon for a six word review of both sides!