Suave's Republique Cricket

Day two first session review

KP and Ian Bell started as they finished last night, going at 5 an over and putting on a breezy 90odd to add to the 192 they put on together last night.  It’s the highest ever 4th wicket partnership against South Africa.

KP then gloved a steepling riser from Morkel, and walked before Harper had to tell him, out for 152.

Fucking silly KP and his nervous 150’s!  Some problem to have that, eh kiddywinks.

Colly came in, looked nervous and was done, well and truly by Billy Bowden.  Harris bowled one that went with the arm (does he have any other delivery?), and it hit pad, and a sharp catch from Amla, and that was that.

Little Timmy must be hoping that they continue to bowl as they have done so far, short and wide, just like Boucher.  Boucher, had a shocker behind the stumps this morning too, looking exceedingly ordinary to the dipping, swinging ball, after pitching.

All in all, The England’s session.

A proper preview on England v South Africa

As a hardhitting journalist, with a vast array of cricket knowledge, I’ve decided to do a real piece of hardhitting journalism.

By hardhitting journalism, I mean, me talking shit about a weird dream I had the other night.  It basically involved a cricketer of some repute following me around for eternity, performing his best shot, everytime I needed a pick me up.  So I shall expand on that weird night, and add what I would have all of the The England and South African team doing if each of them had to stick by my side.

1 Alastair Cook

This young buck will apply eyeliner to me or my friends whenever required.  He’s obviously very adept at this.  See here for more.

2 Andrew Strauss

He will wear a biggles outfit during the day, with the flappy scarf and things, entertaining my republican army.  When required posh lad will dress up in full evening suit, and smoke cigarettes through an antique cigarette holder, whilst supplying me with the finest brandies, wines and champagnes.  It will be a suave double team, and a bally good show.

3 Michael Vaughan (capt)

Mr Vaughan is bound for life to perform a classy cover drive when I need him to, and to miss a straight one when I need a laugh.  Good times.

4 Kevin Pietersen

KP is required to watch while I make love to his wife for all of eternity.  See Morne Morkel’s details for added extras to this scenario.  Strauss will also be in the corner, pouring my drinks and keeping me in cigarettes for the night!

5 Ian Bell

This little fuckstick is to throw roses at my feet until the end of time.  Just like those lovely ladies in Coming to America.

6 Paul Collingwood

Is to forever follow me, as leader of Suave’s ageing ginger all-rounder army.  He will protect me from abybody silly enough to attack our beloved and benevolent Suave leader.

7 Tim Ambrose (wk)

Wanky wicky is to stay behind me at all times in case I drop anything.  I lose on average about £30 a month, dropping money out of my pockets.  Little wanky wicky will stop all that, and give ole Suave another lunchtime on the pop a month. Well done that boy.

8 Stuart Broad

Young broadywoady pudding and pie, is to spend the rest of his days making sure Suave’s hair is in a perfectly coiffured state.  This bucl already spends so much time on his own hair, I’m sure he’ll service mine beautifully.

9 Ryan Sidebottom

Mr Sidebottom will accompany Suave to every gig he goes to in futues, and will supply the hair when I cut mine off.  Whenever I cut my hair short, the thing I hate most about gigs, is not being able to shake the hair.  Ryan will provide this service.

10 Monty Panesar

Any and every time Suave performs something of note, of excellence (as you can imagine this would be an extremely busy job for the montster), he will high five me in his inimitable way.  Wahey Monty!

11 James Anderson

Will be permanently by my side, until I’ve learnt what makes him the quick, snplayable bastard he can be. Once I’ve learnt that, I will train him to do that EVERY time he plays.

1 Graeme Smith (capt)

Bear like left hander, will spend time immortal licking the shit off my shoe, every time I inadvertently tread in some bastard dogs do doo.

2 Neil McKenzie

Old mentalist is to be by my side to ensure that my madness pales in to insignificance next to his, the crazy arsed fucker.  I have a reasonably small version of OCD.  So Mackenzie would make me look normal.

3 Hashim Amla

Amla is to join me on every flight with a budget airline I ever take from now on.  He will sit by the window, I will sit on the aisle seat, guarenteeing that no fat, smelly people sit in the middle, and I can stretch out to my hearts content, or until people stop worrying that bearded muslims are going to blow up any and every motherfucking that moves.

4 Jacques Kallis

This boring twat is to break down an innnings of his, every time I suffer from insomnia, so that Suave can keep his beauty sleep to the necessary 8 hours.   Instant karma, Suave is still beautiful.  I win.

5 Ashwell Prince

Ashwell is to do a similar job to JK but for afternoon naps.  He will come out to bat, and instantly send me into a lovely deep afternoon snooze.

6 AB de Villiers

Vehement letter C denier, will be my golf partner, if I ever take up the stupid, boring, fucking aimless game.  As a scratch golfer, he’ll be able to cover up my inadequecies and ensure that Suave still looks Suave in plus fours.

7 Mark Boucher (wk)

This wicket keeper is to stand behind any of my annoying colleagues constantly chirping in their ears, whenever the fuckers start telling me about their love of computer games, porn or cars.  Boucher will chirp away at them, telling them what useless lives they have, and that they should remove their gene pool from society.

8 Morne Morkel

Supervillain is required to laugh maniacally whenever I get the rage, and anything Evil is about to happen.  Which as most of you lot have realised, is quite regularly.  Get that larynx working you big fucker!

9 Paul Harris

It’s getting a struggle now, fuck me.  Paul Harris appears to have no talents at all, so I’m going to stick him behind my private bar, to serve me drinks for the rest of time.  Most of my local pubs now have saffers behind the ramp, and they work hard, so that’s it for this left arm tweaker.

10 Dale Steyn

To bowl fiery full, swinging deliveries into the legs of anyone getting in my way whilst walking.  Suave is a very quick walker, and hates slow people getting in his way.  Utilising his pace, will clear the way for me to get where i’m going in good time

11 Makhaya Ntini.

What can I get the convicted rapist to do, for ole suavey wauvey?  I don’t need any rape in my life thank you very much.  As Ntini likes to run from the ground to his hotel after tests, I will use him in emergency traffic situations, if I happen to get stuck in traffic anywhere, Ntini is to turn up and piggy back me to my destination.

I’m spent now, business hours are over!  It’s business, it’s business time!

India in “We can play on turning, slow and low wickets” shocker

India have bowled out The Evil Empire, for 265 in the first innings of the third test.

India need a win, to draw the series, and retain whatever trophy it is they’re playing for (is it the Cronje-Bookies trophy?).

South Africa started brightly, by getting to 152-1, with Bear-like fuckhead, Matthew Hayden wannabe, hitting 69, and Hashim Amla continuing his good run of late (live average of 76.75), with a 51.

They then fell apart and lost the other 9 wickets for 113.

Ashwell (i’m f8cking tedious, me) Prince, carried on in the style we’ve become accustomed too, of late, and now averages 11.5 for the tour.  Evil Morne Morkel averages more!


Ishant Sharma, after a shocking start, spraying it around left, right and unfortunately not centre, ended up with 3-55.  Harbhajan Singh took 3-53, and was backed up by Sehwag & Yuvi with their part time spinners.

Sreesanth, the shithead crazy fool, is still fucking rotten though.  Averaging 88 with the ball.  Now when you look at that compared to any of the Saffer quicks, you’ll see that it’s pony and trap.

Morkel averages 45, Ntini, 21 & Steyn 18.

This should be the sort of pitch, that Indian batsman thrive on, but it’s not going to be easy.  They’ll be facing probably the best fast bowling attack in world cricket at the minute, and the pitch seems to have all sorts of Gremlins.  SA really need to get their lines right though, as they only have Harris for spin, if the seamers fail.

Game on.

Silly Sehwag fails.
March 31, 2008, 10:17 am
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: , , , , , , ,

That bloody Suave has jinxed me, I’d have taken Lara’s record if it weren’t for him and his pesky predictions!

“I say, capital innings, what?”

That phrase comes from Samir Chopra at Eye On Cricket.

It was a cracking innings, but it was played on a road.  Fancy being a bowler in the subcontinent?  Where innings regularly hit 500?  No thank you very much….

Viru did very well, but he should have gone on to break Lara’s record.  On that track Lara would have scored a eleventymillion runs.  And that’s a fact!

What else happened this weekend?  Nothing really, Amla scored more runs, Neil Mackenzie too.  The result was utterly predictable, with a scoreboredraw thing.

Can’t we get groundsman (or as you wacky southern hemisphere types like to say, curators) to create pitches that do a bit for both?

Please for the love of god, no-one wants to see eleventythousand runs in a game, with no chances..  We need the bowlers involved too.


Suave has now moved into Suave Mansion II, and has just employed a team of Manilla tailors, to look after the Suave wardrobe.

So that’s nice.

In other cricket news, err there isn’t any.

I haven’t seen any cricket, and I don’t get Sky til the 12th April, so won’t be able to watch any.

Never fear though, I shall plagiarise others work, and pass it off as my own, in the meantime.

Only kidding,

No i’m not.

No I am.

Ha ha, had you there for a minute didn’t I?!

Six word reviews. India vs South Africa

As yesterdays six word review of The England & New Zealand went down so well, I shall continue..

Today, I enter the realms of the subcontinent to poetically describe the Indians and South Africans.

South Africa

Greame Smith: Bear like opener, flat track bully

Neil Mackenzie: Shitting old fella, good on roads.

Hashim Amla: Bearded wonder Jrod hates to watch.

Jacques Kallis: Think of him having sex, disgusting!

Ashwell Prince: Boring c*nt, IPL didn’t want him.

A B De Villiers: God botherer, lives with evil Morkels.

Mark Boucher: Best keeper in world cricket? Maybe..

Morne Morkel: Sounds like a super villain, evil.

Paul Harris: Like Tufnell, marginally better with bat

Dale Steyn: Quick, makes bangladesh cry for mummy

Makhaya Ntini: Definitely not a rapist, no siree.


Virender Sehwag: Batshit batsman, smashes quicks for fun

Wasim Jaffer: Done by a jaffer, not again!!

Rahul Dravid: The Wall, like watching paint dry.

Sachin Tendulkar: Little Master likes Aussie attacks. Genius.

Sourav Ganguly: Lord Snooty. Up his own arse.

VVS Laxman: Graceful, batters aussies, everyone loves that!

Mahendra Singh Dhoni: Swashbuckling keeper, likes young lads, oooh!

Anil Kumble: Former official god, doesn’t turn it.

Harbhajan Singh: Mouthy twat, should concentrate on bowling!!

RP Singh: Suave looking, swings it both ways.

Sree Sreesanth: Mentalist, proper fucking loony. Bowl, Idiot!

Read all about it, News Of The World, News Of The World!

The test series in India is underway, and South Africa have been b0wled out for 540.  What a surprise, another sub-continental flat track, with nothing at all in it for the bowlers.  No seam, swing, spin or bounce.   Wank I tell ya.  Who would want to be a bowler on the subcontinent.

The nail in Dean Jones’ coffin (hooray!) scored an impressive 159.  He would have gone on to much more, if he hadn’t been sold down the river by Mark Boucher.  He never looked like getting out.

Darryl Cullinan had this to say about the young buck:  “I said before this Test started that he would be the pick of the batsmen on both sides and I am anticipating a very good tour for Amla”

High praise indeed, although Jrod at Cricket With Balls is still less than impressed..

India in reply, are currently 35-0 from 6 overs.  They are currently smashing Ntini and Steyn to all parts.   You’d have to feel sorry for Paul Harris, he’s going to have to do an awful lot of work today.

Sri Lanka have won their first ever test in the West Indies.  The West Indies nearly managed to save the game, but unfortuantely for Chris Gayle, he ran out of partners.

Jrod thinks that Chris Gayle is cooler than most, but I’m starting to change my mind about him.

He’s losing his bottle at the top of the order, and twice in the last few test matches has demoted himself down the order.  Yesterday he did it, because he didn’t want to face Chaminda Vaas with the new ball.

“It’s no secret. Yes, he has got me out the majority of times in Test cricket whenever I play against Sri Lanka. It’s something you have to face and something you have to deal with. I tried something different, tried something new, coming a bit later when the ball is a bit older, and it worked. But I don’t know if I’m going to do it in the next game.”

He averages 16.3 against the Sirils, and 1.42 against Vaasy.  That my friend is a bunny!

In other news, NZ’s administracats have allowed five of their squad, due to travel to The England, to miss the first two weeks of their warm-up tour, to play in the IPL.

Brilliant, because there’s nothing like getting used to swinging, damp conditions in The England in May, where the ball will be hooping round corners, by playing 20/20 cricket on fucking flat roads in India!!!

Stupid fuckers.