Suave's Republique Cricket


The Ashes 2009, First test, six word review

Here we are again, with Suave’s six word reviews.  Australia to come this afternoon.

Andrew Strauss

Piss poor captaincy, shit with bat.

Alastair Cook

Fucking piss-weak, public school cunt.

Ravi Bopara

Outwitted, then fucked over by Doctrove

Kevin Pietersen

Look at me, stupid ego cunt.

Paul Collingwood

Gritty street fighter, better than spinners

Matt Prior

looks OK, no smashing just yet.

Andrew Flintoff

Bowled into ground, now fucking crocked.

Stuart Broad

Can’t bowl for shit, find length!!!

Greame Swann

Worse than Hauritz.  One funny fucker.

James Anderson

Batting supremo.  Pitch it up, wanker!

Monty Panesar

Too quick, no variation, soon gone.



Left Arm Spinners
December 19, 2008, 11:34 am
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: , , , , ,

Paul Harris is currently better than Monty Panesar..

Discuss..



Monty Panesar in “I can bowl, honest” Shocker.
December 18, 2008, 12:45 pm
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: , , , ,
I used to be a spinner you know!  30yrs man and boy..

I used to be a spinner you know! 30yrs man and boy..

Our Indian Correspondant Jamish Singh Dorma, recently caught up with Monty Panesar to discuss the recent pressure he’s been getting from the press..

JSD: Monty, why are you a shithouse, useless fuckduck when it comes to bowling in the fourth innings?

MP: It is unfair to say I have a problem bowling teams out in the fourth innings, yes I was unable to make an impact on the last day in Chennai and I was very disappointed with myself, but to me that is the first time it was happened and I was up against a true masterclass from one of the greatest batsmen who has ever lived in Sachin Tendulkar.

People talk about me being unable to dismiss South Africa at Edgbaston last summer but remember I should have had Graeme Smith given out on that final day.

I have taken wickets in the last innings at Old Trafford and Durham and in New Zealand.

JSD: But you average over 35 in the fourth innings, compared with a career average of 32.  Something’s not happening in the last innings.   Are you a piss weak pansie?

MP: No, I’m not a bloody South African you know!  Look at the majority of spinners who have taken Test wickets and you will see that they acquire their full range of skills when they are older than me. I’m convinced spinners don’t peak until they are around 30.”

JSD: So why don’t you fuck off until you are 30?  Surely that makes sense?!

At this point, Panesar ran off crying, screaming out “Vaughany, Vaughany, I miss you so!”



Captain Fuckwit
Don't tell anyone, but I'm shit in the subcontinent!

Don't tell anyone, but I'm shit in the subcontinent!

Can’t bat in the subcontinent, and plays with a fractured rib.

Surely that would restrict your movement somewhat, I know it did when I broke my ribs.  I couldn’t move at anywhere near full capacity for months!

So what is the stupid saffer halfwit doing playing?  Did no-one think that it might be a bad thing?  Fuck off you stupid grinned cockmunch.

I do despair sometimes, and at other times I feel like hulk smashing.

Today is one of those days.

Patrick Kidd over at Line & Length calls for the replacement of one of the useless fucking knobend opening bowlers.  He reckons we should replace Jimmy “I’m a wet fucking Blanket” Anderson or Stephen “I’m a weak in the head wanker” Harmison, with Amjad Khan.  Obviously Patrick was much nicer in his words, but the sentiment was the same I’m sure..  Back to the Danish wunderkind Amjad, the boy is pretty quick, he can reverse swing the ole nut, and he can’t be any fucking worse than them other two shitforbrains (I say that without ever seeing bowl a first class delivery)!

He also called for Panesar to go.  Too fucking right I say.  That bucket handed bambi twat needs to disappear for a long time.

Why not send the idiot to Australia for club cricket for the rest of their summer?

There he’ll have to learn some guile, or he’ll be smashed into oblivion.  Either way we win.  If he gets smashed into oblivion, he quits and takes up some IT job in Brum.  If he learns his craft, we have a world class spinner back in the ranks.

They’ve got to replace him with my young buck, Adil Rashid.  Give him a go, he’ll at least get Tendulkar’s wicket.  He loves to give a debutant spinner his wicket.   Basically Tendulkar is a Cricket Shark.   Give the fella an easy first wicket, they raise their hopes, think that they’ve just got the best batsman in the world out, so they must be a great bowler, then get smashed about for the rest of their career by him, (see Monty Panesar and Cameron White) The sneaky fucker..

Talking of Tendulkar, visit Dear Kingy for his take on Tendulkar.  It’s FUCKING GENIUS.

One day I intend to have Alex’s babies  (just don’t tell him yet, it’ll be a surprise!).

Lastly, let the Sherminator get Sherminated,  so that we can bring back Ace.   He’s fucking good in the subcontinent, he’s wristy and the lad can manipulate the strike.   At least get three blokes who can do that in the side.   Strauss, Shah & Colly are the only proper  batsmen who seem to be able to rotate, although Rashid is no mug with the bat either, and as he’s of Asian descent, he must be wristy too.

Here endeth the rant.   Carry on, nothing to see..



Well Fuck My Old Boots.
You little master bater.

You little master bater.

One really should have time to process that sort of result, before jumping on tinternet to post, but you know what, fuck it, that’s not my style.

Firstly, congratulations to India, on an unprecedented fourth innings chase on Indian soil.  You boys, under that young buck Dhoni, have BALLS OF STEEL!

Secondly, The England, you can all fuck right off, you bunch of jumped up little pissdrips.  How the fuck do you lose a game from that position?  By being weak cunts, that’s how.  I’d like to rip your fucking hearts out, and stamp on them wearing my cricket spikes.

I’m gonna take it easy on three, maybe four people, the rest of you deserve to be HULK SMASHED into oblivion.

Andrew Strauss. You sir, get a slight reprieve, although a good fucking slap is required so you can get a pissing move on!  All of the Indian team seemed capable of batting at  strike rate of over 50, yet you couldn’t.

Alastair Cook. You mascara wearing little fucktard.  Learn to hit over the top, learn to sweep, or piss off and die, you shitting cockface.

Ian Bell.  The Sherminator should be sherminated.  Get Shah in, and let this ineffectual, whining little snotface rot in the bog of eternal stench.

Kevin Pietersen. The man is a cunt.  Can’t bat in the sub-continent (Averages under 30),  and needs to learn, fast.  I let him off as a skipper, as he does have three bowlers who are too fucking impotent, that even Viagara wouldn’t help em.

Paul Collingwood.  Just give it up, please! Too fucking slow, too fucking ugly.  As Bumble rightly said “if he was playing outside your house, you’d shut the curtains”.   Alas, he has to stay as he’s one of only two or three players who can play in the sub-continent.

Andrew Flintoff.   He’s not, and hasn’t been for a long time, a batting all-rounder.  He’s a bowling all-rounder, and a fucking good one at that.  Move him down to seven, and get Prior in before him.

Matt Prior. A batsmen who keeps, nothing more.  I’ll let him off for now.

Greame Swann.  Deserves to stay, and along with Fred looked like the only person capable of getting a wicket.

James Anderson. You are shit, utterly shit, you may even be crafted entirely of shit.  Grow some balls, or fuck off.  You get the full suave smashing.

Steve Harmison.  CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT.  I know, let’s bowl short and wide of off stump to Sehwag, he’ll do fuck all with that.

Monty Panesar.  PRICK. PRICK.  PRICK.  Every time I see this big handed bambi twat, I want a smash an empty beer glass right into his bearded face.

India, here at La Republique, I salute you.

Chakh De India!

Special mention goes to Virender Sehwag, for being a god.  Gautam Gambhir, for looking like a ferenghi, but being fucking good with it, Tendulkar, for being un-fucking-believable for so long, and to Yuvraj, for being such a swaggering man cock.

More on India individually later, as they deserve no rage.



Geoff Miller has shit in his eyes!!

The touring squad for India has just been picked, and there are no major surprises anywhere.  Which is all a bit tedious if you ask me.

The three main areas of contention were..

The replacement for Mickey V, him of the central contract and the straight ball issue.

The choices.

Owais Shah

Ravi Bopara

The place has gone to Ace, as he’s an exceptional player of spin, and had a handy performance in India back in the winter of 2005, I’ve no problem with this one, as he’s shown class for The England whenever he’s played of late, and Rav The Chav has been smashing mediocre Division Two bowlers around all season.  I mean fucking hell, Tony Frost, some brummy landscape gardener, with myopia, averaged 80 in division two this year.

Second we had the wanky wicky conundrum.

Matt Prior and Tim Ambrose had increment contracts, which is like a temp version of a central contract, so were the obvious choices for the selectors.

Prior Deserved it, Ambrose didn’t.  The man is shit.  Can’t catch and can’t bat at international level.  IT should have gone to Essex Wonder Wicky, James Foster.  He’s the best wicket keeper in the country by a long shot, and his batting is reliable, and solid.  And to rub salt in to the wounds he doesn’t even get a shout with the development squad.  If I was James Foster, I’d be talking to a few geezers in dark corners of Essex boozers about where the selection panel live.  Know what I mean son?  A nod is as good as a wink to a blind man.

Then we get two them troublesome spinners.

The choices were Monty Panesar, Greame Swann and Adil Rashid.

They’ve picked The Sikh of Tweak, and gobby bloke.

Young Buck don’t even get a sniff, which is shit.

He’s the highest wicket taker out of any spinner in the country.  He’s taken 62 wickets at 30, and is a better batsman the Swanny, and has proven runs for The England Hedgehogs out in India too.

Jrod over at the peerless Cricket with Balls, had this to say…

He seems to have been chosen under the Ashley Giles selection policy.

“Sure he doesn’t take many wickets, but he can bat a bit, and everyone likes him, so lets take him along. “

The fact that Ashley Giles is on the selection committee probably had a lot to do with that!

Arsebiscuits to the lot of em..

Rashid is a better option, and he needs to be tested against quality opposition, to see where he really is.  Being sent on The Hedgehog tour again, is like sending him back to do the same year at school, like the big retarded kid with the sideburns who smashes kids up for their lunch money.

They sent him away to improve his bowling last winter and he took more wickets than any other spinner in English cricket.  What more do they need?

Some will say he’s too young, but he’s the same age as Murali was when he made his debut, and he was nowt special til he developed his doosra. 

And off spinners are shit heads, FACT.



Who gets a hulk smash?

After a pretty abject summer, barely beating New Zealand and losing to South Africa, here is my summer test review.

In it, I decide through Suave’s hulk smash phenomonen, who survives and who feels the pain.

Alastair Cook

Eyeliner escapes a two handed hulk smash, as he actually scored a decent amount of runs.  The one handed hulk smash comes about because the Little shithead has forgotten how to get past 60.

Andrew Strauss

full on hulk smash for Wing Commander.  Scored nothing until he was under scrutiny again, and to be honest looks shit against all world class attacks.  Should be sent to the local boozer to regale young fellows with stories of his heroics in The War.  Fucking posh twat.

Michael Vaughan

Nothing to add really, as the straight ball missing, weird mulleted former skipper, seems to have hulk smashed himself.  Lucky boy cos he was gonna get it big time!

Kevin Pietersen

New Skipper, top run-scorer, all-round talented fucker.  He gets a little David Banner type hug.  Keep it up big man.

Ian Bell

Semi smashing again, as the 199 at Lords was a cracking knock.  Only two of his test centuries have come in a winning side, and he never scores one without someone above him doing it too, which when you look at our opening pair, is proof enough that he’s no number 3.  Not mentally tough enough, ginger, weird snarl thing when concentrating.  Fuck it, he’ s convinced me to proper hulk smash him!

Paul Collingwood

Partially redeemed himself with his last two knocks, but gets the full HULK SMASH with extra cheese.  Send him to the glue factory.  Not good enough, and we need to bed in a young buck.  I reckon Adil Rashid or Ravi Bopara should get the nod.  Both are excellent fielders, both are decent bowlers and they ain’t too shabby with the bat either.

Andrew Flintoff

I will never hulk smash big lad.  I love him, his passion, his lovely wife, his pace, even his woeful foot movement.  He can do no wrong.

Tim Ambrose

Fucking hell, I’ve got a family sized can of whupass just for this little shit for brains.  This is the worst hulksmashing you’ve ever seen, cars being tossed, huge holes in the ground, and little wanky wicky dying a slow, painful death!  Fuck off now.  Read and Foster are far superior with the gloves and a bit better with the bat, and Prior is miles better with the bat.

Stuart Broad

He’s big, he’s bad, he’s better than his dad.  Or at least we hope he is.  Bats lovely, bowls OK.  Got better as the summer went on, but is no Simon Jones. First change bowlers need to take wickets, and constantly apply pressure, and he’s not doing that yet…  I have resisted hulk smashing, but reserve the right to do so at a later date!

Ryan Sidebottom

Not good enough, but still miles better than most of our bowlers.  Back problems meant he was farily innocuous towards the end of summer.  Should have been dropped earlier for health reasons.

Stephen J Harmison

Still gets the hulk smash I’m afraid.  As Duncan Fletcher said, you’ve got to take wickets in your first spell (he was unlucky, with eyeliners drop but…).   His strike-rate was over 60, which when compared to Dale Steyn, South Africa’s premier quick, is nearly twice as bad.  Hulk Smashed until his brain works properly and he can continuously hulk smash batsmen himself!

James Anderson

The wee man has done me proud this summer.  Good consistent bowling, excellent fielding, and some decent lower order batting to boot.  This is the first time in years that I actually don’t want to hurt him, which is nice.  Cuddles all round.

Monty Panesar

SMASH!  Fuck off Monty until you learn to bowl an arm ball or a doosra.  Not good enough and India will dismantle him again this winter, followed by ‘Straya spanking his arse all next summer.   I will be a little easy on him, in that The England don’t have a specialist spin bowling coach, so he pretty much has to do it on his own.   All I want from you is some effort, as The Broken Family Band once sang.  Learn to bowl another delivery, keep trying to learn to bat, and get a little confidence man, you’re a Sikh Warrior, recall your ancestors triumphs, bring forth the rage your fellow Sikhs felt after Operation Blue Star.  Something, anything, you fucking boring twat!

Check back soon for a six word review of both sides!