Suave's Republique Cricket


Geoff Miller has shit in his eyes!!

The touring squad for India has just been picked, and there are no major surprises anywhere.  Which is all a bit tedious if you ask me.

The three main areas of contention were..

The replacement for Mickey V, him of the central contract and the straight ball issue.

The choices.

Owais Shah

Ravi Bopara

The place has gone to Ace, as he’s an exceptional player of spin, and had a handy performance in India back in the winter of 2005, I’ve no problem with this one, as he’s shown class for The England whenever he’s played of late, and Rav The Chav has been smashing mediocre Division Two bowlers around all season.  I mean fucking hell, Tony Frost, some brummy landscape gardener, with myopia, averaged 80 in division two this year.

Second we had the wanky wicky conundrum.

Matt Prior and Tim Ambrose had increment contracts, which is like a temp version of a central contract, so were the obvious choices for the selectors.

Prior Deserved it, Ambrose didn’t.  The man is shit.  Can’t catch and can’t bat at international level.  IT should have gone to Essex Wonder Wicky, James Foster.  He’s the best wicket keeper in the country by a long shot, and his batting is reliable, and solid.  And to rub salt in to the wounds he doesn’t even get a shout with the development squad.  If I was James Foster, I’d be talking to a few geezers in dark corners of Essex boozers about where the selection panel live.  Know what I mean son?  A nod is as good as a wink to a blind man.

Then we get two them troublesome spinners.

The choices were Monty Panesar, Greame Swann and Adil Rashid.

They’ve picked The Sikh of Tweak, and gobby bloke.

Young Buck don’t even get a sniff, which is shit.

He’s the highest wicket taker out of any spinner in the country.  He’s taken 62 wickets at 30, and is a better batsman the Swanny, and has proven runs for The England Hedgehogs out in India too.

Jrod over at the peerless Cricket with Balls, had this to say…

He seems to have been chosen under the Ashley Giles selection policy.

“Sure he doesn’t take many wickets, but he can bat a bit, and everyone likes him, so lets take him along. “

The fact that Ashley Giles is on the selection committee probably had a lot to do with that!

Arsebiscuits to the lot of em..

Rashid is a better option, and he needs to be tested against quality opposition, to see where he really is.  Being sent on The Hedgehog tour again, is like sending him back to do the same year at school, like the big retarded kid with the sideburns who smashes kids up for their lunch money.

They sent him away to improve his bowling last winter and he took more wickets than any other spinner in English cricket.  What more do they need?

Some will say he’s too young, but he’s the same age as Murali was when he made his debut, and he was nowt special til he developed his doosra. 

And off spinners are shit heads, FACT.



Who gets a hulk smash?

After a pretty abject summer, barely beating New Zealand and losing to South Africa, here is my summer test review.

In it, I decide through Suave’s hulk smash phenomonen, who survives and who feels the pain.

Alastair Cook

Eyeliner escapes a two handed hulk smash, as he actually scored a decent amount of runs.  The one handed hulk smash comes about because the Little shithead has forgotten how to get past 60.

Andrew Strauss

full on hulk smash for Wing Commander.  Scored nothing until he was under scrutiny again, and to be honest looks shit against all world class attacks.  Should be sent to the local boozer to regale young fellows with stories of his heroics in The War.  Fucking posh twat.

Michael Vaughan

Nothing to add really, as the straight ball missing, weird mulleted former skipper, seems to have hulk smashed himself.  Lucky boy cos he was gonna get it big time!

Kevin Pietersen

New Skipper, top run-scorer, all-round talented fucker.  He gets a little David Banner type hug.  Keep it up big man.

Ian Bell

Semi smashing again, as the 199 at Lords was a cracking knock.  Only two of his test centuries have come in a winning side, and he never scores one without someone above him doing it too, which when you look at our opening pair, is proof enough that he’s no number 3.  Not mentally tough enough, ginger, weird snarl thing when concentrating.  Fuck it, he’ s convinced me to proper hulk smash him!

Paul Collingwood

Partially redeemed himself with his last two knocks, but gets the full HULK SMASH with extra cheese.  Send him to the glue factory.  Not good enough, and we need to bed in a young buck.  I reckon Adil Rashid or Ravi Bopara should get the nod.  Both are excellent fielders, both are decent bowlers and they ain’t too shabby with the bat either.

Andrew Flintoff

I will never hulk smash big lad.  I love him, his passion, his lovely wife, his pace, even his woeful foot movement.  He can do no wrong.

Tim Ambrose

Fucking hell, I’ve got a family sized can of whupass just for this little shit for brains.  This is the worst hulksmashing you’ve ever seen, cars being tossed, huge holes in the ground, and little wanky wicky dying a slow, painful death!  Fuck off now.  Read and Foster are far superior with the gloves and a bit better with the bat, and Prior is miles better with the bat.

Stuart Broad

He’s big, he’s bad, he’s better than his dad.  Or at least we hope he is.  Bats lovely, bowls OK.  Got better as the summer went on, but is no Simon Jones. First change bowlers need to take wickets, and constantly apply pressure, and he’s not doing that yet…  I have resisted hulk smashing, but reserve the right to do so at a later date!

Ryan Sidebottom

Not good enough, but still miles better than most of our bowlers.  Back problems meant he was farily innocuous towards the end of summer.  Should have been dropped earlier for health reasons.

Stephen J Harmison

Still gets the hulk smash I’m afraid.  As Duncan Fletcher said, you’ve got to take wickets in your first spell (he was unlucky, with eyeliners drop but…).   His strike-rate was over 60, which when compared to Dale Steyn, South Africa’s premier quick, is nearly twice as bad.  Hulk Smashed until his brain works properly and he can continuously hulk smash batsmen himself!

James Anderson

The wee man has done me proud this summer.  Good consistent bowling, excellent fielding, and some decent lower order batting to boot.  This is the first time in years that I actually don’t want to hurt him, which is nice.  Cuddles all round.

Monty Panesar

SMASH!  Fuck off Monty until you learn to bowl an arm ball or a doosra.  Not good enough and India will dismantle him again this winter, followed by ‘Straya spanking his arse all next summer.   I will be a little easy on him, in that The England don’t have a specialist spin bowling coach, so he pretty much has to do it on his own.   All I want from you is some effort, as The Broken Family Band once sang.  Learn to bowl another delivery, keep trying to learn to bat, and get a little confidence man, you’re a Sikh Warrior, recall your ancestors triumphs, bring forth the rage your fellow Sikhs felt after Operation Blue Star.  Something, anything, you fucking boring twat!

Check back soon for a six word review of both sides!



Day two first session review

KP and Ian Bell started as they finished last night, going at 5 an over and putting on a breezy 90odd to add to the 192 they put on together last night.  It’s the highest ever 4th wicket partnership against South Africa.

KP then gloved a steepling riser from Morkel, and walked before Harper had to tell him, out for 152.

Fucking silly KP and his nervous 150’s!  Some problem to have that, eh kiddywinks.

Colly came in, looked nervous and was done, well and truly by Billy Bowden.  Harris bowled one that went with the arm (does he have any other delivery?), and it hit pad, and a sharp catch from Amla, and that was that.

Little Timmy must be hoping that they continue to bowl as they have done so far, short and wide, just like Boucher.  Boucher, had a shocker behind the stumps this morning too, looking exceedingly ordinary to the dipping, swinging ball, after pitching.

All in all, The England’s session.



A proper preview on England v South Africa

As a hardhitting journalist, with a vast array of cricket knowledge, I’ve decided to do a real piece of hardhitting journalism.

By hardhitting journalism, I mean, me talking shit about a weird dream I had the other night.  It basically involved a cricketer of some repute following me around for eternity, performing his best shot, everytime I needed a pick me up.  So I shall expand on that weird night, and add what I would have all of the The England and South African team doing if each of them had to stick by my side.

1 Alastair Cook

This young buck will apply eyeliner to me or my friends whenever required.  He’s obviously very adept at this.  See here for more.

2 Andrew Strauss

He will wear a biggles outfit during the day, with the flappy scarf and things, entertaining my republican army.  When required posh lad will dress up in full evening suit, and smoke cigarettes through an antique cigarette holder, whilst supplying me with the finest brandies, wines and champagnes.  It will be a suave double team, and a bally good show.

3 Michael Vaughan (capt)

Mr Vaughan is bound for life to perform a classy cover drive when I need him to, and to miss a straight one when I need a laugh.  Good times.

4 Kevin Pietersen

KP is required to watch while I make love to his wife for all of eternity.  See Morne Morkel’s details for added extras to this scenario.  Strauss will also be in the corner, pouring my drinks and keeping me in cigarettes for the night!

5 Ian Bell

This little fuckstick is to throw roses at my feet until the end of time.  Just like those lovely ladies in Coming to America.

6 Paul Collingwood

Is to forever follow me, as leader of Suave’s ageing ginger all-rounder army.  He will protect me from abybody silly enough to attack our beloved and benevolent Suave leader.

7 Tim Ambrose (wk)

Wanky wicky is to stay behind me at all times in case I drop anything.  I lose on average about £30 a month, dropping money out of my pockets.  Little wanky wicky will stop all that, and give ole Suave another lunchtime on the pop a month. Well done that boy.

8 Stuart Broad

Young broadywoady pudding and pie, is to spend the rest of his days making sure Suave’s hair is in a perfectly coiffured state.  This bucl already spends so much time on his own hair, I’m sure he’ll service mine beautifully.

9 Ryan Sidebottom

Mr Sidebottom will accompany Suave to every gig he goes to in futues, and will supply the hair when I cut mine off.  Whenever I cut my hair short, the thing I hate most about gigs, is not being able to shake the hair.  Ryan will provide this service.

10 Monty Panesar

Any and every time Suave performs something of note, of excellence (as you can imagine this would be an extremely busy job for the montster), he will high five me in his inimitable way.  Wahey Monty!

11 James Anderson

Will be permanently by my side, until I’ve learnt what makes him the quick, snplayable bastard he can be. Once I’ve learnt that, I will train him to do that EVERY time he plays.

1 Graeme Smith (capt)

Bear like left hander, will spend time immortal licking the shit off my shoe, every time I inadvertently tread in some bastard dogs do doo.

2 Neil McKenzie

Old mentalist is to be by my side to ensure that my madness pales in to insignificance next to his, the crazy arsed fucker.  I have a reasonably small version of OCD.  So Mackenzie would make me look normal.

3 Hashim Amla

Amla is to join me on every flight with a budget airline I ever take from now on.  He will sit by the window, I will sit on the aisle seat, guarenteeing that no fat, smelly people sit in the middle, and I can stretch out to my hearts content, or until people stop worrying that bearded muslims are going to blow up any and every motherfucking that moves.

4 Jacques Kallis

This boring twat is to break down an innnings of his, every time I suffer from insomnia, so that Suave can keep his beauty sleep to the necessary 8 hours.   Instant karma, Suave is still beautiful.  I win.

5 Ashwell Prince

Ashwell is to do a similar job to JK but for afternoon naps.  He will come out to bat, and instantly send me into a lovely deep afternoon snooze.

6 AB de Villiers

Vehement letter C denier, will be my golf partner, if I ever take up the stupid, boring, fucking aimless game.  As a scratch golfer, he’ll be able to cover up my inadequecies and ensure that Suave still looks Suave in plus fours.

7 Mark Boucher (wk)

This wicket keeper is to stand behind any of my annoying colleagues constantly chirping in their ears, whenever the fuckers start telling me about their love of computer games, porn or cars.  Boucher will chirp away at them, telling them what useless lives they have, and that they should remove their gene pool from society.

8 Morne Morkel

Supervillain is required to laugh maniacally whenever I get the rage, and anything Evil is about to happen.  Which as most of you lot have realised, is quite regularly.  Get that larynx working you big fucker!

9 Paul Harris

It’s getting a struggle now, fuck me.  Paul Harris appears to have no talents at all, so I’m going to stick him behind my private bar, to serve me drinks for the rest of time.  Most of my local pubs now have saffers behind the ramp, and they work hard, so that’s it for this left arm tweaker.

10 Dale Steyn

To bowl fiery full, swinging deliveries into the legs of anyone getting in my way whilst walking.  Suave is a very quick walker, and hates slow people getting in his way.  Utilising his pace, will clear the way for me to get where i’m going in good time

11 Makhaya Ntini.

What can I get the convicted rapist to do, for ole suavey wauvey?  I don’t need any rape in my life thank you very much.  As Ntini likes to run from the ground to his hotel after tests, I will use him in emergency traffic situations, if I happen to get stuck in traffic anywhere, Ntini is to turn up and piggy back me to my destination.

I’m spent now, business hours are over!  It’s business, it’s business time!



Six word analysis of England – New Zealand test series.

Being a dictator of your own republic, I get to make the rulez.

Six word reviews, for everyone that played more than two tests in the series.  I can’t be bothered with all these shit heads that played one test.

The England

Alastair Cook: Stupid eyeliner wearing dickhead, fucking rubbish.

Andrew Strauss: Wants to play NZ every week!

Michael Vaughan: Looks great at getting himself out

Kevin Pietersen: Scratches around until last game again!

Ian bell: fucking ginger twat.  Suave HULK SMASH!

Paul Collingwood: Time to be put to pasture?

Tim Ambrose: good with gloves, rubbish with bat

Stuart Broad: Too many pies, bats lovely though..

Ryan Sidebottom: Not great, but averaged 20. Bizarre.

Jimmy Anderson: Good, shit, good. Superb in Nottingham

Monty Panesar: One-spell series, superb oop north.

The Old Zealand

Aaron Redmond: Dear lord, this lad is SHIT!

Jamie How: Solid, dependable, not really that good.

Brendan McCullum: Not three, too mental for that.

Ross Taylor: Looks a lovely player. CALM DOWN!

Daniel Flynn: not bad, suspect to short ball.

Jacob Oram: Miserly with ball, 231 runs, somehow

Daniel Vettori: smacked around as skipper, bowled alright

Kyle Mills: good no 8 batsman, bowling rubbish.

Ian O’Brien:  Scares small children, he’s that ugly.

Chris Martin: Bowled cack, Batting is really cack

James Marshall:  Shitter than his brother.  Super shit?



Six word reviews. The England vs New Zealand

After reading a great article here. I’ve decided to do a six word review of every player, from every test match nation.

I shall start, as is my wont, with the recently victorious The England, and their plucky opposition New Zealand

The England

Alastair Cook: Promises much, will he deliver soon?

Michael Vaughan: Michael Vaughan thinks Michael Vaughan’s wonderful. (can i get away with Vaughan’s? You Decide)

Andrew Strauss: Wing Commander needs to soar again.

Kevin Pietersen: Ever told you I am great?

Ian bell: Foreplay beautiful, intercourse over in seconds.

Paul Collingwood: Gritty northener, shovels to leg often.

Tim Ambrose: Australian wanky wicky, we shall see.

Stuart Broad: Boy band bowler, looks very good.

Ryan Sidebottom: Lion of Huddersfield likes to roar.

Jimmy Anderson: Hot wife, hot and cold bowling

Monty Panesar: Sikh of Tweak fields like spastic.

The Old Zealand 

Matthew Bell:  miss, swing, swing, miss, miss, out.

Jamie How:   How indeed?  better in ODI’s, shit.

Stephen Fleming:  Plays wonderfully until fifty, then out.

Matthew Sinclair:  Fuck I’m shit, Shoot me please

Ross Taylor:  Did well, will get found out.

Grant Elliot:  If test quality, god help us.

Brendan McCullum: Smash bang wallop, shit dropped it.

Daniel Vettori:  Used to Bowl, now a batsman.

Tim Southee:  Buck toothed young buck comes good.

Jeetan Patel:  Bowl better than skipper, still dropped.

Chris Martin: Comical batting, used to have hair.

Coming tomorrow, India vs South Africa or West Indies vs Sri Lanka



Blimmin nora, The England have won a test match overseas!

This image recreates itself, every other test, it seems…  Good old Sidey!

Hark, The England have won a test match overseas.  The haven’t done that in two years, the last against India at Mumbai..

Michael Vaughan hasn’t won a test match abroad, since the last test in South Africa in 2005.

At that time, The Englands test record read “Played 15, Won 13, Lost 1, Drawn 1”.  We were rightly, the second ranked side in the world, and went on to produce an ashes winning summer, that captured all of our hearts.

But fuck that shit..

That was yonks ago.  I was childless then.  I was crazy then.  I was nearly fired from my job for not doing any work for the summer.

This was a very good test match, played on a great test wicket.

Daniel Vettori was moaning about the pitch, and saying he was disappointed that it was still doing things for the bowlers on day four.

Piss off nancy boy..  That’s what a test wicket should do!!  Just because you haven’t got a top order that knows how to play a moving ball.

The high points for The England

Tim Ambrose.  For this first innings 100.  This took the game away from New Zealand, and gave us a well above par first innings score.

Paul Collingwood.  65 & 59, taking 3/23 in the first innings, and fighting hard against the wind for 8 overs yesterday.  A great all round performance.

Ryan Sidebottom.  I just want to kiss him, in a manly way, for hours upon end.  Oxymoron is teh king.

James Anderson.  I know i’ve ballsed on him before, but the boy showed what he can do when he’s hungry.  His bowling in the first innings was superb.  Second innings was good, but he was into the wind this time, and rattling with pills.

The high points for NZ

Jacob Oram.   He took 6/100 from 49 overs.  That my friends is frugal.

Brendan McCullum.  110 runs in the test match.  Has consistently looked NZ’s most dangerous batsmen.

Ross Taylor.  The boy wasn’t far behind McCullum, with 108 runs in the match.  Is looking like a very good player, and needs to be moved up the order for the next test match.  Should be no4, and will take the no3 spot, I would say, when Fleming retires.

Low Points

The catching.  The Kiwis were poor, and The England weren’t much better to be honest.  Unusually Paul Collingwood and Brendan McCullum were the biggest culprits.

Mark Gillespie.  His fielding is appalling, he can’t bat, and he bowls half trackers or half volleys.

Monty Panesar.  As bad in the field as Angry Man Gillespie.

Jacob Oram’s batting.  He’s lucky he’s bowling so well at the moment, because he’s averaging 12 with the bat.  No-one is mentioning this, but it needs to be highlighted.  As a batting all-rounder, he should be scoring a lot more runs.

Strauss, Vaughan & Pietersen’s batting.  Three out of our top four are averaging less than 30.  One of these three should be dropped for the next test.   It won’t happen, but it should.  Vaughan’s not going to go, as he’s the skipper.  Pietersen shouldn’t go YET…  Strauss is next in line.  He looked better in our second innings than he has for a while, but he needs to do something magical in Napier, or he’s on the scrap heap.

And the biggest low point of them all goes too…..

Matthew Bell.  Wow!  He looked like he was dancing in the crease, whenever a ball was delivered. The only reason he managed to eke out 29 runs, was because he wasn’t good enough to edge anything…   It’s a sorry state of affairs, if this is your best opening batsman.