Suave's Republique Cricket


Best ODI All-rounder? Really?!
Fuck off, he's not that good.

Fuck off, he's not that good.

Shakib Al Hasan is now top of the ICC’s ODI All-rounders list, ahead of Jacques Kallis, Andrew Flintoff and Jacob Oram.

Now, don’t get me wrong, the boy’s got talent, but top?  fuck right off.

If you had to pick a guy to rescue an innings against top quality opposition, who would you pick?

If you had to choose a bowler to go for next to no runs on all wickets?

Someone to scare the bejeesus out of middle order batsman?

It ain’t fucking Shakib, I can tell you that much.

Come on now, we all know the ICC rankings are shit, but this takes the piss.



Fail!
A Fail just for King Cricket!

A Fail just for King Cricket!

Dear King Cricket, the most anti-social of cricket bloggers has threatened to bounce me off the moon if I don’t create a FAIL Picture.  Admittedly, he’d have to leave Manchester and talk to people to find me, so I’m sure I’ll be fine!

Alas, here it is, just for you.   However, I’ve only made Jacques Kallis a Fail, rather than an Epic Fail, as the bowling he was facing, was of the highest quality you’re likely to see.  Flintoff was on fire, and he had Kallis plumb in front, which alarmingly Dar turned down?  Fred was pissed.   There’s no finer bowler in world cricket than an angry Fred, with 30,000 people roaring him on!



A proper preview on England v South Africa

As a hardhitting journalist, with a vast array of cricket knowledge, I’ve decided to do a real piece of hardhitting journalism.

By hardhitting journalism, I mean, me talking shit about a weird dream I had the other night.  It basically involved a cricketer of some repute following me around for eternity, performing his best shot, everytime I needed a pick me up.  So I shall expand on that weird night, and add what I would have all of the The England and South African team doing if each of them had to stick by my side.

1 Alastair Cook

This young buck will apply eyeliner to me or my friends whenever required.  He’s obviously very adept at this.  See here for more.

2 Andrew Strauss

He will wear a biggles outfit during the day, with the flappy scarf and things, entertaining my republican army.  When required posh lad will dress up in full evening suit, and smoke cigarettes through an antique cigarette holder, whilst supplying me with the finest brandies, wines and champagnes.  It will be a suave double team, and a bally good show.

3 Michael Vaughan (capt)

Mr Vaughan is bound for life to perform a classy cover drive when I need him to, and to miss a straight one when I need a laugh.  Good times.

4 Kevin Pietersen

KP is required to watch while I make love to his wife for all of eternity.  See Morne Morkel’s details for added extras to this scenario.  Strauss will also be in the corner, pouring my drinks and keeping me in cigarettes for the night!

5 Ian Bell

This little fuckstick is to throw roses at my feet until the end of time.  Just like those lovely ladies in Coming to America.

6 Paul Collingwood

Is to forever follow me, as leader of Suave’s ageing ginger all-rounder army.  He will protect me from abybody silly enough to attack our beloved and benevolent Suave leader.

7 Tim Ambrose (wk)

Wanky wicky is to stay behind me at all times in case I drop anything.  I lose on average about £30 a month, dropping money out of my pockets.  Little wanky wicky will stop all that, and give ole Suave another lunchtime on the pop a month. Well done that boy.

8 Stuart Broad

Young broadywoady pudding and pie, is to spend the rest of his days making sure Suave’s hair is in a perfectly coiffured state.  This bucl already spends so much time on his own hair, I’m sure he’ll service mine beautifully.

9 Ryan Sidebottom

Mr Sidebottom will accompany Suave to every gig he goes to in futues, and will supply the hair when I cut mine off.  Whenever I cut my hair short, the thing I hate most about gigs, is not being able to shake the hair.  Ryan will provide this service.

10 Monty Panesar

Any and every time Suave performs something of note, of excellence (as you can imagine this would be an extremely busy job for the montster), he will high five me in his inimitable way.  Wahey Monty!

11 James Anderson

Will be permanently by my side, until I’ve learnt what makes him the quick, snplayable bastard he can be. Once I’ve learnt that, I will train him to do that EVERY time he plays.

1 Graeme Smith (capt)

Bear like left hander, will spend time immortal licking the shit off my shoe, every time I inadvertently tread in some bastard dogs do doo.

2 Neil McKenzie

Old mentalist is to be by my side to ensure that my madness pales in to insignificance next to his, the crazy arsed fucker.  I have a reasonably small version of OCD.  So Mackenzie would make me look normal.

3 Hashim Amla

Amla is to join me on every flight with a budget airline I ever take from now on.  He will sit by the window, I will sit on the aisle seat, guarenteeing that no fat, smelly people sit in the middle, and I can stretch out to my hearts content, or until people stop worrying that bearded muslims are going to blow up any and every motherfucking that moves.

4 Jacques Kallis

This boring twat is to break down an innnings of his, every time I suffer from insomnia, so that Suave can keep his beauty sleep to the necessary 8 hours.   Instant karma, Suave is still beautiful.  I win.

5 Ashwell Prince

Ashwell is to do a similar job to JK but for afternoon naps.  He will come out to bat, and instantly send me into a lovely deep afternoon snooze.

6 AB de Villiers

Vehement letter C denier, will be my golf partner, if I ever take up the stupid, boring, fucking aimless game.  As a scratch golfer, he’ll be able to cover up my inadequecies and ensure that Suave still looks Suave in plus fours.

7 Mark Boucher (wk)

This wicket keeper is to stand behind any of my annoying colleagues constantly chirping in their ears, whenever the fuckers start telling me about their love of computer games, porn or cars.  Boucher will chirp away at them, telling them what useless lives they have, and that they should remove their gene pool from society.

8 Morne Morkel

Supervillain is required to laugh maniacally whenever I get the rage, and anything Evil is about to happen.  Which as most of you lot have realised, is quite regularly.  Get that larynx working you big fucker!

9 Paul Harris

It’s getting a struggle now, fuck me.  Paul Harris appears to have no talents at all, so I’m going to stick him behind my private bar, to serve me drinks for the rest of time.  Most of my local pubs now have saffers behind the ramp, and they work hard, so that’s it for this left arm tweaker.

10 Dale Steyn

To bowl fiery full, swinging deliveries into the legs of anyone getting in my way whilst walking.  Suave is a very quick walker, and hates slow people getting in his way.  Utilising his pace, will clear the way for me to get where i’m going in good time

11 Makhaya Ntini.

What can I get the convicted rapist to do, for ole suavey wauvey?  I don’t need any rape in my life thank you very much.  As Ntini likes to run from the ground to his hotel after tests, I will use him in emergency traffic situations, if I happen to get stuck in traffic anywhere, Ntini is to turn up and piggy back me to my destination.

I’m spent now, business hours are over!  It’s business, it’s business time!



Jacques Kallis Shamone.

Jacques Kallis’ girlfriend is called Shamone.

Hee Hee!

Hee Hee!

Shamone motha fucka, hee hee..

I’m a bad invisible teeth cutting out motha fucka, check yo’self!

That is all!



IPL gets underway!

The IPL has officially started with Bangalore Royal Challengers v Kolkata Knight Riders at Bangalore.

Bangalore, who are officially “The Most Boring C*nts In The World”, really shouldn’t win a game in this tournament, with players like Dravid, Kallis & Chanderpaul.

Kolkata have lost the services of Shoaib Akhtar after his five year ban, but have Ishant Sharma & Umar Gul, the wily Murali Kartik and David Hussey.

As I’m on holiday, with little access to Internet, or results, I’ve got no f*cking idea who’s won.

I’ll guess it was Knight Riders, and they win by three wickets or thirty runs.

If I’m wrong, then the world is stupid.

If I’m right, then the world is ace, and everyone except me is a doodyhead.



India in “we’ve turned it around, and now it’s those saffers getting spanked” shocker!

Well, Jrod got his prediction right, and India have won within three and half days, to draw the test series with South Africa.

MS Dhoni captained the Indians, in the absence of Anil Kumble. he performed rather well, I thought. He had Singh open the bowling, which worked a treat.

As expected, on a pitch that’s slow, with uneven bounce, and a raging turner, Harbhajan Singh performed admirably. Virender Sehwag also proved an excellent support act, after the little leggy, Chawla (must have been busy with his lusty thoughts, all leggies are lusty, some lusties are leggies, therefore all leggies are lusty, or some such gubbins), proved to be shit.

Viru’s first delivery of his first spell, ripped, spat, bit, called Kallis’ lovemaking in to question, molested his sister, fornicated with his Aunty, and had him caught off the glove by Jaffer.

Not bad for a part-time off-spinner. No lust there, offies are not lusty. They’re dusty,

Any way, it ended up a drawn series, which was a good recovery from India, after getting spanked in the first test

Heroes & Villains

Heroes

Saurav Ganguly.  His first innings 87 really was outstanding, and gave India the lead they needed to turn over the chokers.

Virender Sehwag.  Just because. No more needs to be said.

Ishant Sharma.  For being a gangly freak, who bowls nicely and looks like a praying mantis.

MS Dhoni.  For being captain marvel, and saving India’s blushes with some inspired skippering.

Villains

The whole South African team, for being South african.

Paul Harris.  For being a worse spinner than India’s part timers.  Fucking hell man, you get paid to SPIN and take wickets.  On a raging turner, with uneven bounce, most spinners would be looking at four or five wickets per innings.  He took 4-147.  Wanker.



India in “Bejaasus, we’ve been spanked like a tory politician!”

Jaffer, textbook defence to a short ball from SA.

India, after capitulating so terribly on the first day’s play, have metaphorically been handed their arses on a plate, by an angry South Africa.

I reckon they were pissed off at having to bowl for three days on a shitty road, in the last test match. No fast bowler likes that sort of thing.

So they took their frustrations out on India in this one.

India have lost by an innings at 90 runs, inside three days. Ha!! That’s appalling. (To any of my Indian viewers, feel free to abuse me all you like, if SA do the same to The England, in this summers forthcoming test series!)

All round, this is a shoddy performance, from an overworked side. These guys should be looking for a rest after this test series, but they won’t get one, as the greedy f*ckers have all jumped on the IPL’s big bucks wagon..

Winners

Vehement letter C denier, A B De Villiers, scored a superb double century, and was ably supported by the most boring batsmen, ever to have lived, Jacques Kallis (close run thing between Kallis and Boycott, but Boycott edges him out, by being a funny old bastard).

The best quick in world cricket at present, Dale Steyn also took 8 wickets in the match, with superb pace bowling. He mixes his length, pace, and angles superbly, and looks so much smarter than most other quicks. He’s got about three different paced bouncers, which is horrible to face as batsman. Averaging 21.41 with a strike rate of 35. Scarily good.

Makhaya (I never touched her) Ntini. A good display from their most experienced bowler, with six important wickets in the match.

Irfan Pathan. Ended the match with 64 no. Two innings, not out both times. However, like the rest of the Indian fasts, he was poor with the ball.

Losers

The Indian top four. Jaffer, Sehwag, Dravid & Laxman. 109 runs from two innings, from that quartet of quality. That’s shit, with a capital SHIT!

The Indian pace attack. Sreesanth, RP Singh & Pathan. Three quick bowlers took 2 for 249. Compare that to South Africa’s quartet, who took 19 for 309, and you see where it all went wrong.

Conclusion

Gary Kirsten has a shit load of work to do before the final test, if India are to salvage a drawn series here. They will be missing Sachin again, so the top four really need to step up. Sehwag’s OK, after his mammoth score last test, but Jaffer, Dravid & Laxman need to start scoring big, and scoring at a decent clip.

Their fast bowlers look out of sorts, RP Singh especially, he’s looked shit in both of these test matches, and really needs to up his game, to return to the form he showed against The England last summer.