Suave's Republique Cricket


Drainage Fail

Bloody Northerners, can't get 'owt right!

Play is abandoned for the day after heavy rain this morning..

That my friends is fucking wank.

Yorkshire CCCCCCC have spent £600,000 on a drainage system, that after 3hrs of sunshine didn’t work well enough to allow any play today.

I’ll tell you why this is shit.

Lords, 2007, The England v India.

I went to this match, I can’t recall which day mind, but I remember everything else vividly.

I alighted the tube at Regents Park and started walking across the park in the direction of the home of cricket.

Halfway across the park, it started raining.  Luckily I had waterproofs and an umbrella with me.  I quickly ducked under a tree for cover, and put my waterproofs on (these are mountainy-goretexy, top of the rangy shizzle), and carried on.  By the time I’d got to the other side of Regents Park, my golfing umbrella had snapped through the sheer volume of rain that fell.   No wind, just pure volume of water broke the spokes, and the umbrella was fucked.

I pulled my hat out of my bag, pulled the hood of my waterproofs off, and continued towards Lords.

It’s no more than a 1mile walk from Regents Park to Lords, and in that time, the rain was so torrential, that there were three foot deep puddles on St John’s Wood Road.  Cars were struggling to get through, because of the depth of the puddles.  The drainage system was overflowing, to such an extent that people were starting to fear for their houses.

It was fucking terrible, monsoon like.   As I got to the gates, I was completely and utterly soaked.  Not 1cm of my body was not completely drenched.  And I was properly attired.

I went to the pub to wait for the rain to stop, as there was no chance of getting a taxi, and the pub was dry.  It rained for just over an hour, and everyone in the pub agreed, that there would be no chance of play…

I ventured into the rain, and managed to get a cab driver to take me home, so I could change.

That whole process took no more than an hour and a half.   By this time the sun was out, but I didn’t hold much hope for any play, so switched on the box to get the latest updates.

What happened next left me completely fucking flabbergasted.   Just after lunch, play had started, and I’d only been gone an 1.5hrs….

The drainage was so good, that with just over 2hrs of sunshine, play was able to commence.

Fuck you Yorkshire CCC, and the horse you rode in on.  That’s how drainage should work, not your £600,000 fuck up.

The moral of the story?  Never trust northerners, the workshy bastards!!



Happy ‘Straya Day!
January 26, 2009, 10:06 am
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: , , , , , , ,
You're shit and you know you are etc...

You're shit and you know you are etc...

This hasn’t been the best start to a summer for ‘Straya, has it boys and girls?

Beaten in India, beaten in the test series by South Africa, and now beaten in a home ODI series by the Saffers again (they haven’t won the major home ODI series for three years now!) .

This my friends is fucking fantastic.  The rest of the world are pointing at you, and laughing like Nelson.

This is how us mere mortals feel most of the time.

So where did it all go wrong?

To be honest every where.  The commentators on Channel 9, were discussing the Allan Border Medal, which is coming up soon, and were trying to think who could win the medal.

Michael Clarke and Mitchell Johnson were the only two names they could come up.  How often does that happen, when the most biased commentary team in world cricket, struggles to think of more than two players to win the awards.

They’ve got no spinner.  They’ve only got one quality quick, with a couple of emerging ones.  The top order has been terrible in both forms of the game.

If I was a selector, I’d have Ricky Ponting back to the ranks and pick someone who can actually captain a side, without having to have a management conference every three balls.

Not sure where I’m going with this, but it’s Monday morning and I’ve been up since 4.30am.

WE LAUGH AT LOUD YOU!



Albie Morkel in “I’m not too smart, me” shocker!
January 23, 2009, 2:10 pm
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: , , , , ,

Albie Morkel, whilst picking up the MOM award against South Africa, had this to say about booze addled bad boy Herschelle Gibbs..

“I’ll be buying him a drink tonight.”

That’s the ticket.  Just what  a guy who’s been sent on an alcohol rehabilitation course needs to hear.

So if you catch Hersch on the pop tonight, you know who to blame.



Best ODI All-rounder? Really?!
Fuck off, he's not that good.

Fuck off, he's not that good.

Shakib Al Hasan is now top of the ICC’s ODI All-rounders list, ahead of Jacques Kallis, Andrew Flintoff and Jacob Oram.

Now, don’t get me wrong, the boy’s got talent, but top?  fuck right off.

If you had to pick a guy to rescue an innings against top quality opposition, who would you pick?

If you had to choose a bowler to go for next to no runs on all wickets?

Someone to scare the bejeesus out of middle order batsman?

It ain’t fucking Shakib, I can tell you that much.

Come on now, we all know the ICC rankings are shit, but this takes the piss.



Albie there for you, when the rain starts to fall.

Ring a ding ding…

Albie Morkel, is a batting behemoth. He reminds me of Lance Klusener in his pomp. Bowls fast medium, and can absolutely belt the covers off the ball.

His 40 off 22 today, was the difference between the sides. South Africa cleverly waited until he got his eye in, then took the batting powerplay, and he went batshit. Admittedly he was helped by poor fielding from Australia (they are looking average in the field at the moment, dropping two catches in the first over of South Africa’s reply). This boy can really strike a ball, and the fact that he has a supervillain as a brother, probably helps. I imagine it would give you that extra confidence one requires, to beat all and sundry.

South Africa now take a 2-1 lead in the series, and it’s turning out to be a cracker.

In other news, The England arrived safely in the West Indies, after pissing off a plane load of tourists, by diverting the flight. They did hand out The England cufflinks to those that were upset by the delay, which is nice.

I’m expecting the england to draw the series. We will not be able to bowl out Grand Lord Megachief of Gold, so it’ll be another year of averaging over 100 for Shiv.

For the sehwagology members amongst us (that should be all of you, by the way, if I find out any of you are non-believers, it’lll be the Suavish Inquisition), our Lord hath spoken..

More to come shortly..



ODI Team Of The Year 2008

Gautham Gambhir

Top run scorer, firenghi lookalike, allround 2008 superstar.

Virender Sehwag

Again, if you disagree, I will come down on you harder than the Spanish Inquisition!

Younis Khan

Averaged 54, with a strike rate of 94.  Top batting against subcontinental superstars this year.

Kevin Pietersen

Captained The England to a magnificent series win against South Africa, whilst smashing them everywhere.  Is about the only player in The England who can actually play botf formats of the game.

Yuvraj Singh

Annoying prick.  Destroyer of The England.  Averaged 108 against us.  Useful left arm filth too.

MS Dhoni (Wk) Capt.

Winner.  Of.  The.  World.

Andrew Flintoff

Along with Pietersen, mangled South Africa.  Averaged 50 with the bat, and 21 with the ball in 2008.  That is stunningly good.

Stuart Broad

Breakthrough year for Ricky Schroder, took 32 wickets at 25 and averages over 20 with the bat.  A good solid no 8.

Nathan Bracken

Consistently Australia’s best ODI bowler. 31 wickets at 18.  If only he didn’t look like a fucking girl.

Sohail Tanvir

Brilliant in all short forms of the game.  Bowls off the wrong foot, weird windmill action, and looks like an actionman.

Ajantha Mendis

What can you say about a man who took 48 wickets at 10.16.  Just freakishly good.  He’ll get worked out soon, and that average will rise, but don’t expect it to rise too much.  This boy has a world of talent.

12th Man

Muttiah Muralitharan

Probably the only year in the last 10 that this fella didn’t make it into my side.  But if it was a spinning track, I’d go with two spinners, and he’d be second choice.



What to do about Jimmy?
August 27, 2008, 8:53 am
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: , , , , , ,

Jimmy Anderson is an enigma.

He started his bowling career as an ODI specialist, and has now knocked off 94 appearances.

In the last year, he has suddenly started bowling like a proper test match bowler, yet in ODI’s he’s turned to horseshit. 

His last few series averages are:

Sri Lanka vs The England – 4wkts @ 48.25

New Zealand vs The England – 4 wkts @ 67.50

The England vs New Zealand – 5 wkts @ 41.40

The England vs South Africa – So far 0 wkts for 44runs off 8 overs.

His average for this year is 60.33 with an economy of 5.71

His career average has dropped to above 30 from 27 in less than a year!!!  That my friends is pony, and I suggest he gets the bullet for the next ODI.  Whilst he’s been hidden to an extent, with how well his other three quicks are performing, I don’t see KP putting up with it for too much longer.

Bresnan is next in line, I would suggest based on current form, and would add too an already strong batting line up.

If he gets another chance he’s going to have to perform, or I’m gonna tie the shit head up, beat him within an inch of his life and cuckold him, whilst he watches me making sweet music with his wife: