Suave's Republique Cricket

Media wankfest #2
Good, but not that good... Yet...

Good, but not that good... Yet...

Dear media,

Please stop the wankfest over Hughes’ county stint please.

Most of the runs he scored were in the County Championship 2nd division.  This is a division where the leading wicket takers are Jon Lewis & James Tredwell.

Those old fuckers weren’t even good enough to hold down a spot in The England’s ODI side, and they’re proper fucking pony.

So can we stop with the cock sucking please.  He smashed around a load of has-beens and never will be’s.

I’m not saying that the fella hasn’t got talent.   He has.   He’s averaging 69 in both test and FC cricket.  Not bad, I think you’ll agree..

What I will say, is that Jimmy Adams averaged 87 after 12 tests, and Mike Hussey averaged 80 at the start of 2008 and is now averaging 55 (to be fair that’s still higher than any current The  England batsman).

If, after the ashes he’s still averaging high 60’s, then fairly do’s, lick the boy’s testicles all you like.  Allow him to roger you roughly with bananas from his daddy’s farm, but let’s not get stupid, eh…

Now fuck off.


Being a Suave fellow, I’m horrified, I say horrified at what I’ve just seen on Sky Sports News.

I know Phil Hughes is young, but there’s never an excuse to be wearing an ill fitting suit, with a shirt that has seventies style collars opened wide, to expose the chest hair.  That and the two diamond earrings, have sent my Suave sensibilities absolutely bandy..

Fucking hell, can’t someone teach the little bogan banana farmer to dress properly!

Is he an alabaster retard?
August 28, 2008, 11:56 am
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: , , , ,

It’s good to see Durham are still playing on uncovered pitches oop north.

We’re only half way through day two and 20 wickets have fallen for 250 runs. 

Is it any wonder Lord Bobert Of Key got so pissed off with the pitch inspectors recently.  This being after their championship game lasted three days.

Now, I’ve never played on that wicket but it does look like a medium pacers paradise.  Hampshire bowler Dangeranus took 5/45, then super Mark Davies took a superb 8/24 for Durham.

Did he done poop in Geoff Millers house?

Did he done poop in Geoff Millers house?

I’m not sure what’s wrong with the lad, there must be something, he’s taken 209 FC wickets @ 21.57 excluding this match, (Fucking hell, how good is that? That’s a rhetorical question by the way)  yet he’s constantly ignored by selectors. 

Does he stink of rancid shit?

Does he have a penchant for small children?

Is he secretly an alien?

Is he really a viking warrior?

How the fuck would I know, I’m in a stupid godforsaken country that’s proud to be associated with the worst vegetable in the world!

WTF? Where has the technique gone.

Recently I was moaning about 20/20, and the fact that it can make ordinary players look good.

My reasonining, is that the pitches have all been made flat as pancakes, and thre is little to offer for the bowlers.  No real spin, swing or seam.  This allows bludgeoners to look good, as they can just smash through the line of the ball.  They had one pitch that turned square and seamed, and all of the players called it a joke.  Wankers.  Can you honestly imagine someone like “The Bearlike, Orphan Eating, Fuckhead“, playing Jim Laker on an uncovered Old Trafford or The Oval?  THat fucker wouldn’t average any where near as much as he does now.

In county cricket yesterday, five matches were played, and 64 wickets were taken.

It was a glorious day, all over The ENgland.  The sun was shining, the weather was sweet, boy, makes me want to move, those dancing feet, to the rescue, here I am!

What the batsman failed to take into account, was that most pitches had enough juice in them, to make it very difficult.   Too many players were undone, by seam and swing.  On pitches like ours in The England, you need to expect it to move off the pitch and through the air!

Unfortunately, it seems that batsman have missed out on this playing straight, or playing late lark, and are being constantly exposed.

In Lancashire’s innings yesterday, they were all out for 143, on a pitch that wasn’t that bad.  All 10 wickets were catches.  You’d think that the Durham players would have had a look at the way the Lancs batsman played, and adjusted accordingly.  Alas no, they were fuckwits too, being bowled out for a miserable 114.

Somerset were similarly shit yesterday.

If the ball swings, seams or spins, most international players look ordinary.  Bring back juicy pitches, and make the fuckers learn to play properly!

What’s happened to Taunton?

Somerset’s county ground, Taunton is usually the flattest, easiest batting wicket in the whole of county cricket (although Chelmsford isn’t far behind).

Something weird has happened though, in 40 overs of cricket, 12 wickets have fallen.

Somerset were all out for 126, with James Tomlinson (who he?), taking 8-46.  Somerset hit back with two wickets in the first two overs, to leave Hampshire at a pretty precarious 6-2.  John Crawley & KP need to look to steady that ship now.

The sad thing about this, is that Somerset will most likely be punished for providing a below standard pitch. In fact,  I think they should be punished for all the flat ones they produce.


Is Andrew Flintoff a batting all-rounder?

Recent form would suggest not.


Ravi Bopara. Good work fella.

I\'ve got a massive bum chin

Ravi Bopara, Essex all-rounder.

THis boy is the shizzle this season, he’s scored 341 runs in three County Championship innings and also tops his team’s bowling averages.

Him and my man, Ten Doeschate (took a 6-fer against the kiwi’s) are both looking superb down at the county ground.

Ravi has admitted that he turned down a six figure sum from the IPL, to concentrate on getting back into THE ENgland setup.

That is good.

That is nice.

Ravi is my friend again.

Ravi had this to say..

“If I do this, and with the current talk of new competitions and one-off matches to sit alongside the IPL, then I am sure there will be plenty of opportunities to enjoy the financial benefits in years to come,”

23 years old, and the little fella’s got a wise head on his shoulders!

This makes me happy.  More updates, when the fugue of four  days drinking lifts from my sorry head.

Flintoff must play

What's that?  It's your chances of ever being The England captain disappearing

I don’t fucking care if this man can’t bat for shit any more.

Put him at anywhere in the last four if needs be, but he should play for The England.

I’ll tell you why.

He’s the best fast bowler in the country.

Justin Langer in his latest BBC column had this to say about the fella.

Only last week I padded up against Lancashire in the County Championship for Somerset and I can say first hand that Flintoff is absolutely ready to be picked for the first Test against New Zealand.

One of the joys of retiring from international cricket was knowing that I wouldn’t be peppered by the world’s best fast bowlers ever again.

This in mind, I was shocked at the ferocity of the Flintoff onslaught at Old Trafford.

As I kept saying to him, I could have understood if I was batting with Matthew Hayden and wearing a green Australia helmet with a kangaroo and emu embroidered on the front.

Instead, I was in a red Somerset helmet with Marcus Trescothick partnering me, so if I was ever in for a reprieve from England’s best fast bowler then surely that would have been the time.

History will suggest this couldn’t have been further from the truth.

For about an hour I could have been in the boxing ring with Joe Calzaghe and by the end of it I had literally copped a hammering.

My ribs, elbow and chest were so bruised I could have been confused for Bernard Hopkins in Las Vegas!

Both Marcus and I agreed his spell was one of the great ones either of us had ever faced and while it was ugly – and at times intimidating – it is what we miss about playing international cricket on its toughest days.

This is one seriously good bowler.

Given the choice between Anderson & Flintoff, who would you pick? Between Hoggard & Flintoff, or Broad & Flintoff?

My bowling attack would look like this.

Flintoff, Rashid, Broad, Sidebottom. Or maybe Panesar for Rashid (we’ll see how he does against the Lions).

That’s a lot of batting. Flintoff and Rashid are excellent all-rounders, and Broad & Sidebottom can be relied upon to hold a bat.

Come on Mooresy, you know you want it.