Suave's Republique Cricket


Captain Fuckwit
Don't tell anyone, but I'm shit in the subcontinent!

Don't tell anyone, but I'm shit in the subcontinent!

Can’t bat in the subcontinent, and plays with a fractured rib.

Surely that would restrict your movement somewhat, I know it did when I broke my ribs.  I couldn’t move at anywhere near full capacity for months!

So what is the stupid saffer halfwit doing playing?  Did no-one think that it might be a bad thing?  Fuck off you stupid grinned cockmunch.

I do despair sometimes, and at other times I feel like hulk smashing.

Today is one of those days.

Patrick Kidd over at Line & Length calls for the replacement of one of the useless fucking knobend opening bowlers.  He reckons we should replace Jimmy “I’m a wet fucking Blanket” Anderson or Stephen “I’m a weak in the head wanker” Harmison, with Amjad Khan.  Obviously Patrick was much nicer in his words, but the sentiment was the same I’m sure..  Back to the Danish wunderkind Amjad, the boy is pretty quick, he can reverse swing the ole nut, and he can’t be any fucking worse than them other two shitforbrains (I say that without ever seeing bowl a first class delivery)!

He also called for Panesar to go.  Too fucking right I say.  That bucket handed bambi twat needs to disappear for a long time.

Why not send the idiot to Australia for club cricket for the rest of their summer?

There he’ll have to learn some guile, or he’ll be smashed into oblivion.  Either way we win.  If he gets smashed into oblivion, he quits and takes up some IT job in Brum.  If he learns his craft, we have a world class spinner back in the ranks.

They’ve got to replace him with my young buck, Adil Rashid.  Give him a go, he’ll at least get Tendulkar’s wicket.  He loves to give a debutant spinner his wicket.   Basically Tendulkar is a Cricket Shark.   Give the fella an easy first wicket, they raise their hopes, think that they’ve just got the best batsman in the world out, so they must be a great bowler, then get smashed about for the rest of their career by him, (see Monty Panesar and Cameron White) The sneaky fucker..

Talking of Tendulkar, visit Dear Kingy for his take on Tendulkar.  It’s FUCKING GENIUS.

One day I intend to have Alex’s babies  (just don’t tell him yet, it’ll be a surprise!).

Lastly, let the Sherminator get Sherminated,  so that we can bring back Ace.   He’s fucking good in the subcontinent, he’s wristy and the lad can manipulate the strike.   At least get three blokes who can do that in the side.   Strauss, Shah & Colly are the only proper  batsmen who seem to be able to rotate, although Rashid is no mug with the bat either, and as he’s of Asian descent, he must be wristy too.

Here endeth the rant.   Carry on, nothing to see..



Chakh De India

As The Libertines once sang…. My word that was fun, and he did it with his hat on, and a saddle and a gun..

In this case, the saddle was the weight of responsibility on a little man from Mumbai, and the gun, was a massive chunk of willow, that dispatches bowlers with such elegance.
Sachin Tendulkar, we salute you!

It’s also for Sehwag, who reminds me of a cricket bat wielding autistic. He’s like Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man. I don’t think he has a clue what he’s doing, but smiles serenely and smashes. Oh Joy!

This was right up there with one of the greatest test matches you’re likely to see.. It had everything, resolute batting, fuck em all, I am a destroyer batting, let’s save my career for the umpteenth time batting, seam bowling masterclasses from one bowler per side, and much more…

A quick review of the individual Indian performances…

Virender Sehwag.   One failure, and one outrageous onslaught, god like genius.

Gautam Gambhir.  Looks like a world class opening batsman now, and a perfect foil to Viru.

Rahul Dravid.  Time to go auld fella, your stock is falling faster than the world financial markets…

Sachin Tendulkar. Simply wonderful.

VVS Laxman.  Not his best test with the bat, and he’s still an ‘orrible fielder.  Nearly ready for the knackers yard!

Yuvraj Singh.  Got mugged in the first innings, by Flintoff & Harmison but he went away and came back much stronger.  Was superb alongside Sachin to get them to the finish line with plenty to spare.

M S Dhoni.  Fuck he’s got big balls.  Superb effort, oh motorcycle man.  If there’s any one in world cricket that I would like to trade places with, at the moment it’s this fucker..

H Singh. Good batting in the first innings to give the boys a chance, but fuck he’s rubbish with the ball in India.  Also, he needs a proper slap from someone, just shut up you cock!

Zaheer Khan. You sir, are turning into a quality seam bowler.  How he still averages over 30 is beyond me..

Amit Mishra. So so effort from the little fella, will get better.

Ishant Sharma. Not his best test by a long stretch.  Had some major run-up issues, and gave away too many NB’s.  Just didn’t look himself.  Maybe it’s the hair cut, maybe he’s Samson in disguise?



Well Fuck My Old Boots.
You little master bater.

You little master bater.

One really should have time to process that sort of result, before jumping on tinternet to post, but you know what, fuck it, that’s not my style.

Firstly, congratulations to India, on an unprecedented fourth innings chase on Indian soil.  You boys, under that young buck Dhoni, have BALLS OF STEEL!

Secondly, The England, you can all fuck right off, you bunch of jumped up little pissdrips.  How the fuck do you lose a game from that position?  By being weak cunts, that’s how.  I’d like to rip your fucking hearts out, and stamp on them wearing my cricket spikes.

I’m gonna take it easy on three, maybe four people, the rest of you deserve to be HULK SMASHED into oblivion.

Andrew Strauss. You sir, get a slight reprieve, although a good fucking slap is required so you can get a pissing move on!  All of the Indian team seemed capable of batting at  strike rate of over 50, yet you couldn’t.

Alastair Cook. You mascara wearing little fucktard.  Learn to hit over the top, learn to sweep, or piss off and die, you shitting cockface.

Ian Bell.  The Sherminator should be sherminated.  Get Shah in, and let this ineffectual, whining little snotface rot in the bog of eternal stench.

Kevin Pietersen. The man is a cunt.  Can’t bat in the sub-continent (Averages under 30),  and needs to learn, fast.  I let him off as a skipper, as he does have three bowlers who are too fucking impotent, that even Viagara wouldn’t help em.

Paul Collingwood.  Just give it up, please! Too fucking slow, too fucking ugly.  As Bumble rightly said “if he was playing outside your house, you’d shut the curtains”.   Alas, he has to stay as he’s one of only two or three players who can play in the sub-continent.

Andrew Flintoff.   He’s not, and hasn’t been for a long time, a batting all-rounder.  He’s a bowling all-rounder, and a fucking good one at that.  Move him down to seven, and get Prior in before him.

Matt Prior. A batsmen who keeps, nothing more.  I’ll let him off for now.

Greame Swann.  Deserves to stay, and along with Fred looked like the only person capable of getting a wicket.

James Anderson. You are shit, utterly shit, you may even be crafted entirely of shit.  Grow some balls, or fuck off.  You get the full suave smashing.

Steve Harmison.  CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT.  I know, let’s bowl short and wide of off stump to Sehwag, he’ll do fuck all with that.

Monty Panesar.  PRICK. PRICK.  PRICK.  Every time I see this big handed bambi twat, I want a smash an empty beer glass right into his bearded face.

India, here at La Republique, I salute you.

Chakh De India!

Special mention goes to Virender Sehwag, for being a god.  Gautam Gambhir, for looking like a ferenghi, but being fucking good with it, Tendulkar, for being un-fucking-believable for so long, and to Yuvraj, for being such a swaggering man cock.

More on India individually later, as they deserve no rage.



India in “Bejaasus, we’ve been spanked like a tory politician!”

Jaffer, textbook defence to a short ball from SA.

India, after capitulating so terribly on the first day’s play, have metaphorically been handed their arses on a plate, by an angry South Africa.

I reckon they were pissed off at having to bowl for three days on a shitty road, in the last test match. No fast bowler likes that sort of thing.

So they took their frustrations out on India in this one.

India have lost by an innings at 90 runs, inside three days. Ha!! That’s appalling. (To any of my Indian viewers, feel free to abuse me all you like, if SA do the same to The England, in this summers forthcoming test series!)

All round, this is a shoddy performance, from an overworked side. These guys should be looking for a rest after this test series, but they won’t get one, as the greedy f*ckers have all jumped on the IPL’s big bucks wagon..

Winners

Vehement letter C denier, A B De Villiers, scored a superb double century, and was ably supported by the most boring batsmen, ever to have lived, Jacques Kallis (close run thing between Kallis and Boycott, but Boycott edges him out, by being a funny old bastard).

The best quick in world cricket at present, Dale Steyn also took 8 wickets in the match, with superb pace bowling. He mixes his length, pace, and angles superbly, and looks so much smarter than most other quicks. He’s got about three different paced bouncers, which is horrible to face as batsman. Averaging 21.41 with a strike rate of 35. Scarily good.

Makhaya (I never touched her) Ntini. A good display from their most experienced bowler, with six important wickets in the match.

Irfan Pathan. Ended the match with 64 no. Two innings, not out both times. However, like the rest of the Indian fasts, he was poor with the ball.

Losers

The Indian top four. Jaffer, Sehwag, Dravid & Laxman. 109 runs from two innings, from that quartet of quality. That’s shit, with a capital SHIT!

The Indian pace attack. Sreesanth, RP Singh & Pathan. Three quick bowlers took 2 for 249. Compare that to South Africa’s quartet, who took 19 for 309, and you see where it all went wrong.

Conclusion

Gary Kirsten has a shit load of work to do before the final test, if India are to salvage a drawn series here. They will be missing Sachin again, so the top four really need to step up. Sehwag’s OK, after his mammoth score last test, but Jaffer, Dravid & Laxman need to start scoring big, and scoring at a decent clip.

Their fast bowlers look out of sorts, RP Singh especially, he’s looked shit in both of these test matches, and really needs to up his game, to return to the form he showed against The England last summer.



Six word reviews. India vs South Africa

As yesterdays six word review of The England & New Zealand went down so well, I shall continue..

Today, I enter the realms of the subcontinent to poetically describe the Indians and South Africans.

South Africa

Greame Smith: Bear like opener, flat track bully

Neil Mackenzie: Shitting old fella, good on roads.

Hashim Amla: Bearded wonder Jrod hates to watch.

Jacques Kallis: Think of him having sex, disgusting!

Ashwell Prince: Boring c*nt, IPL didn’t want him.

A B De Villiers: God botherer, lives with evil Morkels.

Mark Boucher: Best keeper in world cricket? Maybe..

Morne Morkel: Sounds like a super villain, evil.

Paul Harris: Like Tufnell, marginally better with bat

Dale Steyn: Quick, makes bangladesh cry for mummy

Makhaya Ntini: Definitely not a rapist, no siree.

India

Virender Sehwag: Batshit batsman, smashes quicks for fun

Wasim Jaffer: Done by a jaffer, not again!!

Rahul Dravid: The Wall, like watching paint dry.

Sachin Tendulkar: Little Master likes Aussie attacks. Genius.

Sourav Ganguly: Lord Snooty. Up his own arse.

VVS Laxman: Graceful, batters aussies, everyone loves that!

Mahendra Singh Dhoni: Swashbuckling keeper, likes young lads, oooh!

Anil Kumble: Former official god, doesn’t turn it.

Harbhajan Singh: Mouthy twat, should concentrate on bowling!!

RP Singh: Suave looking, swings it both ways.

Sree Sreesanth: Mentalist, proper fucking loony. Bowl, Idiot!



Epic Fail

I am now on a quest to find the ULTIMATE defensive shot with death rattle.. Here are a few more to the collection.

If you have a photo, that you think deserves to be added to the FAIL list, then please feel free to send them to me..

Yuvraj Singh

Walking down the wicket, playing over the top of the ball= EPIC FAIL

Sachin Tendulkar

Castled by Jimmy Anderson=EPIC FAIL

Younus Khan

No epic fail for Younus, this was a top delivery.

Ian Bell

Getting done by the Pidgin, only a fail.  Every one got done by the Pidgin.



CB Series Finals- India Win!!!

The final CB Series thundered to a climax this week. I say “thundered”, I mean “trundled”. And I say “climax”, but I mean “sorry conclusion”.

India have won the second final, after another classy knock from Sachin pushed the game just beyond ‘Straya’s reach!

look mummy, i hitted past the monkey!

Gilchrist retired with a splutter, scoring just the 2.

Hogg retired even more meekly, by being dropped.  Fat tongued twat

HairWeave Ponting, will just be glad to see the back of the Indians, after enduring a terrible summer against them.

Praveen Kumar had another good game today, taking 4-46 .

Symonds gets down to some man-love!

Andrew Symonds, who is a bell end of considerable magnitude, decided to get fruity with a spectator.  Unfortunately, he didn’t fuck himself up, a la Terry Alderman, who dislocated a shoulder taking down a streaker.

He also fell to his best mate Bhaji for the second game in a row.  In one Harbajhan over, he removed both Hayden(run-out) and Symonds (LBW).

I ran myself out, as I’d heard there were orphans hanging around the car park, and I was hungry!

Hayden, what can I say about this man, that I haven’t said before?  After the debacle of offering to fight a 19yr old praying mantis,  he has shown himself to be a poltroon (my new favourite word) and a great big swaggering chump!

Is it any wonder, that CA administracrats want to get rid of the tri-series ODI’s.  They’ve lost the last two, after winning all the warm up games comfortably.

Let’s raise a glass, and sing CHAK DE INDIA!