Suave's Republique Cricket

Nice Bryce is proper old, I tell thee.
September 30, 2008, 1:37 pm
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: , , ,

My Indian correspondant, Jamish Singh Dorma, sends in a new report on the ‘Strayan squad.

He's not posing, he's catching his breath

Nice Bryce, with motorised scooter just out of shot!

A beautiful shot, from a splendid location.

It’s not a pose, you understand,  he’s fucking knackered.  The old boy is flat out like a lizard drinking.   There was no stairlift see, so he had to climb himself.

Nice Bryce had this to say to jamish…

“Get off my lawn, you little whippersnapper, I didn’t fight in the war so you could walk around with your trousers around your arse!  Bloody punks!”

Poor auld fella, someone get him some water, before he gives himself a heart attack..

Geoff Miller has shit in his eyes!!

The touring squad for India has just been picked, and there are no major surprises anywhere.  Which is all a bit tedious if you ask me.

The three main areas of contention were..

The replacement for Mickey V, him of the central contract and the straight ball issue.

The choices.

Owais Shah

Ravi Bopara

The place has gone to Ace, as he’s an exceptional player of spin, and had a handy performance in India back in the winter of 2005, I’ve no problem with this one, as he’s shown class for The England whenever he’s played of late, and Rav The Chav has been smashing mediocre Division Two bowlers around all season.  I mean fucking hell, Tony Frost, some brummy landscape gardener, with myopia, averaged 80 in division two this year.

Second we had the wanky wicky conundrum.

Matt Prior and Tim Ambrose had increment contracts, which is like a temp version of a central contract, so were the obvious choices for the selectors.

Prior Deserved it, Ambrose didn’t.  The man is shit.  Can’t catch and can’t bat at international level.  IT should have gone to Essex Wonder Wicky, James Foster.  He’s the best wicket keeper in the country by a long shot, and his batting is reliable, and solid.  And to rub salt in to the wounds he doesn’t even get a shout with the development squad.  If I was James Foster, I’d be talking to a few geezers in dark corners of Essex boozers about where the selection panel live.  Know what I mean son?  A nod is as good as a wink to a blind man.

Then we get two them troublesome spinners.

The choices were Monty Panesar, Greame Swann and Adil Rashid.

They’ve picked The Sikh of Tweak, and gobby bloke.

Young Buck don’t even get a sniff, which is shit.

He’s the highest wicket taker out of any spinner in the country.  He’s taken 62 wickets at 30, and is a better batsman the Swanny, and has proven runs for The England Hedgehogs out in India too.

Jrod over at the peerless Cricket with Balls, had this to say…

He seems to have been chosen under the Ashley Giles selection policy.

“Sure he doesn’t take many wickets, but he can bat a bit, and everyone likes him, so lets take him along. “

The fact that Ashley Giles is on the selection committee probably had a lot to do with that!

Arsebiscuits to the lot of em..

Rashid is a better option, and he needs to be tested against quality opposition, to see where he really is.  Being sent on The Hedgehog tour again, is like sending him back to do the same year at school, like the big retarded kid with the sideburns who smashes kids up for their lunch money.

They sent him away to improve his bowling last winter and he took more wickets than any other spinner in English cricket.  What more do they need?

Some will say he’s too young, but he’s the same age as Murali was when he made his debut, and he was nowt special til he developed his doosra. 

And off spinners are shit heads, FACT.

Stupid Kiwi Administracats
September 29, 2008, 11:06 am
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: , , , ,

Now kids, you’ve signed a new deal with sportswear manufacturers Canterbury for a new kit and kaboodle.

You look to your squad of players, and think “who would look good in this, and model this kit to it’s best”.

I know that most of my lovely lady readers would pick Daniel Vettori, maybe Brendan McCullum as a bit of rough?

I don’t know, I understand less about womens minds than I do global economics, and complex Belgian politics.

Shit, Uh'm a fucking ugly son of a bitch!

They're SuperMegaFugly's with a bastard arsehole twist

But Scott Styris, fucking hell, he looks like he comes from a very small gene pool.

Chris Martin’s not too bad, but surely they could have come up with two better looking fella’s than that?!

Stupid Kiwis

Dirty ECB Fuckers
September 27, 2008, 6:53 pm
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

This is going to be short, very short.

I’m pissed and angry and Strictly Come Dancing is about to start.

Geoff Miller has dropped Michael Vaughan from the India winter tour.  Fucking right you might say….  Me too.

Then why has the fucker been given a central contract?  He won’t play this winter, so it should have gone to someone more deserving.

Fucking Stupid.

More to come shortly on Ceci’s county Durham, who today re-wrote the championship records.

Love you all.


Stupid ‘Strayans
September 26, 2008, 10:16 am
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: , , , , ,

What is it with ‘strayans and warm up game injuries.

Tee Hee.

Tee Hee.

The 2005 Ashes was decided when Glenn McGrath tripped over a stray cricket ball playing rugby.

News has just reached Suave HQ that Dirty Dirk, him of the snowboarding and skiing skills, has come a cropper playing football, and had to miss Middlesex CCC’s last game of the season.  Dick.

He can do all of this, but gets ankle knack from football?! I thought he was tough..

He can do all of this, but gets ankle knack from football?! I thought he was tough..

That’s him flying through the air miles in the sky.  Impressive, eh?

Alas, he can’t fucking stand up when playing a little Association Football though can he?

SILLY ‘STRAYANS and their silly warm up injuries, maybe they should stick to indoor bowls.

For Douglas Charlton Esq..
September 25, 2008, 9:39 am
Filed under: language, quiz | Tags: , , ,

After promising D Charlton a prize for cleverly realising I was testing my readership here..

I asked him for two things to write about here…

This is your prize Douglas.  Enjoy

There once was a chap called Mahinda,

Who slept with a viking called Ljinda,

He showed her his shiny new balls

and she made kitten mew calls

once his helmet was horned he then binned her!

A quick one today
September 23, 2008, 4:05 pm
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: , ,

Just easing myself back in…

Justin Langer………….

I'm a dwarf like cock face

He’s an odious little cunt, what.

Fucking hell, do people actually talk like that?

It’s like he’s reciting The Tao of Pooh at all times.  Fuck off anf become a “business speak” trainer, and stop polluting the BBC with your shit.

Thank fuck we won’t see him opening ever again, with that other shit head.