Suave's Republique Cricket


The Ashes 2009, First test, six word review

Here we are again, with Suave’s six word reviews.  Australia to come this afternoon.

Andrew Strauss

Piss poor captaincy, shit with bat.

Alastair Cook

Fucking piss-weak, public school cunt.

Ravi Bopara

Outwitted, then fucked over by Doctrove

Kevin Pietersen

Look at me, stupid ego cunt.

Paul Collingwood

Gritty street fighter, better than spinners

Matt Prior

looks OK, no smashing just yet.

Andrew Flintoff

Bowled into ground, now fucking crocked.

Stuart Broad

Can’t bowl for shit, find length!!!

Greame Swann

Worse than Hauritz.  One funny fucker.

James Anderson

Batting supremo.  Pitch it up, wanker!

Monty Panesar

Too quick, no variation, soon gone.



Well Fuck My Old Boots.
You little master bater.

You little master bater.

One really should have time to process that sort of result, before jumping on tinternet to post, but you know what, fuck it, that’s not my style.

Firstly, congratulations to India, on an unprecedented fourth innings chase on Indian soil.  You boys, under that young buck Dhoni, have BALLS OF STEEL!

Secondly, The England, you can all fuck right off, you bunch of jumped up little pissdrips.  How the fuck do you lose a game from that position?  By being weak cunts, that’s how.  I’d like to rip your fucking hearts out, and stamp on them wearing my cricket spikes.

I’m gonna take it easy on three, maybe four people, the rest of you deserve to be HULK SMASHED into oblivion.

Andrew Strauss. You sir, get a slight reprieve, although a good fucking slap is required so you can get a pissing move on!  All of the Indian team seemed capable of batting at  strike rate of over 50, yet you couldn’t.

Alastair Cook. You mascara wearing little fucktard.  Learn to hit over the top, learn to sweep, or piss off and die, you shitting cockface.

Ian Bell.  The Sherminator should be sherminated.  Get Shah in, and let this ineffectual, whining little snotface rot in the bog of eternal stench.

Kevin Pietersen. The man is a cunt.  Can’t bat in the sub-continent (Averages under 30),  and needs to learn, fast.  I let him off as a skipper, as he does have three bowlers who are too fucking impotent, that even Viagara wouldn’t help em.

Paul Collingwood.  Just give it up, please! Too fucking slow, too fucking ugly.  As Bumble rightly said “if he was playing outside your house, you’d shut the curtains”.   Alas, he has to stay as he’s one of only two or three players who can play in the sub-continent.

Andrew Flintoff.   He’s not, and hasn’t been for a long time, a batting all-rounder.  He’s a bowling all-rounder, and a fucking good one at that.  Move him down to seven, and get Prior in before him.

Matt Prior. A batsmen who keeps, nothing more.  I’ll let him off for now.

Greame Swann.  Deserves to stay, and along with Fred looked like the only person capable of getting a wicket.

James Anderson. You are shit, utterly shit, you may even be crafted entirely of shit.  Grow some balls, or fuck off.  You get the full suave smashing.

Steve Harmison.  CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT.  I know, let’s bowl short and wide of off stump to Sehwag, he’ll do fuck all with that.

Monty Panesar.  PRICK. PRICK.  PRICK.  Every time I see this big handed bambi twat, I want a smash an empty beer glass right into his bearded face.

India, here at La Republique, I salute you.

Chakh De India!

Special mention goes to Virender Sehwag, for being a god.  Gautam Gambhir, for looking like a ferenghi, but being fucking good with it, Tendulkar, for being un-fucking-believable for so long, and to Yuvraj, for being such a swaggering man cock.

More on India individually later, as they deserve no rage.



Geoff Miller has shit in his eyes!!

The touring squad for India has just been picked, and there are no major surprises anywhere.  Which is all a bit tedious if you ask me.

The three main areas of contention were..

The replacement for Mickey V, him of the central contract and the straight ball issue.

The choices.

Owais Shah

Ravi Bopara

The place has gone to Ace, as he’s an exceptional player of spin, and had a handy performance in India back in the winter of 2005, I’ve no problem with this one, as he’s shown class for The England whenever he’s played of late, and Rav The Chav has been smashing mediocre Division Two bowlers around all season.  I mean fucking hell, Tony Frost, some brummy landscape gardener, with myopia, averaged 80 in division two this year.

Second we had the wanky wicky conundrum.

Matt Prior and Tim Ambrose had increment contracts, which is like a temp version of a central contract, so were the obvious choices for the selectors.

Prior Deserved it, Ambrose didn’t.  The man is shit.  Can’t catch and can’t bat at international level.  IT should have gone to Essex Wonder Wicky, James Foster.  He’s the best wicket keeper in the country by a long shot, and his batting is reliable, and solid.  And to rub salt in to the wounds he doesn’t even get a shout with the development squad.  If I was James Foster, I’d be talking to a few geezers in dark corners of Essex boozers about where the selection panel live.  Know what I mean son?  A nod is as good as a wink to a blind man.

Then we get two them troublesome spinners.

The choices were Monty Panesar, Greame Swann and Adil Rashid.

They’ve picked The Sikh of Tweak, and gobby bloke.

Young Buck don’t even get a sniff, which is shit.

He’s the highest wicket taker out of any spinner in the country.  He’s taken 62 wickets at 30, and is a better batsman the Swanny, and has proven runs for The England Hedgehogs out in India too.

Jrod over at the peerless Cricket with Balls, had this to say…

He seems to have been chosen under the Ashley Giles selection policy.

“Sure he doesn’t take many wickets, but he can bat a bit, and everyone likes him, so lets take him along. “

The fact that Ashley Giles is on the selection committee probably had a lot to do with that!

Arsebiscuits to the lot of em..

Rashid is a better option, and he needs to be tested against quality opposition, to see where he really is.  Being sent on The Hedgehog tour again, is like sending him back to do the same year at school, like the big retarded kid with the sideburns who smashes kids up for their lunch money.

They sent him away to improve his bowling last winter and he took more wickets than any other spinner in English cricket.  What more do they need?

Some will say he’s too young, but he’s the same age as Murali was when he made his debut, and he was nowt special til he developed his doosra. 

And off spinners are shit heads, FACT.



You winning bastards
August 26, 2008, 6:29 pm
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: , , , ,

How fucking dare they… That’s what I say.

How very dare they have a perfect ODI.  Bowl the opposition out for under a hundred and knock off the score for no wickets down.  Dirty The English Bastards!

Seriously, I’m happy as a pig in shit.   What a performance.  Stuart Broad was world class, his line and length were McGrath like, and the boy ran and ran and ran until he looked like he was going to be sick.  Then you had Fred & Harmison bowling quick and dangerously at the other end.  I’d rather not face that me sen.

The other massive positive was Matt Prior.  His keeping was exceptional, and the catch he took away to his left was stunning (if he learns to do that to his right, he’s made).  To follow it up with 45no, streaky, but the scorecards don’t say that.  Top job foreign wanky wicky.

My only real concern is Jimmy Anderson though.  Two games, 8 overs, 44 runs, at 5.5 an over.  Carry on like that girly boy, and Suave’s a gonna smash ya!

I’m in all sorts of pain today, slightly less so than yesterday, but still, it’s making me angry.  Today’s game, however  has made the sun shine brightly.  I finished work at 3.30 CET, which was when the game kicked off, I got four beers inside me, and The England have spanked the Saffers.  Life is good.  It’s difficult to be too angry after all that, but the rage is flowing;  by flowing, I mean trickling.  A nod is a good as a wink to a blind man, no what I mean?.

A big hello to Spearpoint, and an apology for not answering sooner, but you’re South African and nice, and that has confused me no end 😉

Now fuck off you ungrateful bastards.



Why is wicky a wanky old foreign fella?

I’m a wanky wicky, with a rapidly receding hairline.

So we now have another new wicketkeeper..

Tim Ambrose (who wasn’t considered to be better than Matt Prior at Sussex).

What is it with foreign born wicketkeepers?

Geraint Jones was born in Papua New Guinea but grew up in Australia.

Matt Prior is a dirty saffer, who must have had elocution lessons, because he’s lost that stupid accent.

Tim Ambrose is an aussie with an English mother.

Also at every opportunity Warne puts Nic Pothas’ name forward, and he’s half greek, half saffer. So he’s a philosophising, homosexual, arrogant twat.

Whatever happened to eccentric English madmen behind the stumps, think Alan Knott or Jack Russell.

The two best wicketkeepers (with the gloves, not that stupid Australian thing where there keepers also average high 40’s and can catch) we’ve had over the last five or so years are James Foster and Chris Read.

We don’t want Read going to New Zealand though, as they’ll all laugh at him for ducking under a slower ball from Chris Cairn.

So that leaves James Foster, at home it would appear!

Fuck, I’m good at the limbo!