Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Andrew Flintoff, Andrew Strauss, Ashes, Ashes 2009, australia, Cricket, England, Greame Swann, james anderson, Kevin Pietersen, Matt Prior, Monty Panesar, Nathan Hauritz, paul collingwood, Ravi Bopara, Six Word Reviews, stuart broad
Here we are again, with Suave’s six word reviews. Australia to come this afternoon.
Piss poor captaincy, shit with bat.
Fucking piss-weak, public school cunt.
Outwitted, then fucked over by Doctrove
Look at me, stupid ego cunt.
Gritty street fighter, better than spinners
looks OK, no smashing just yet.
Bowled into ground, now fucking crocked.
Can’t bowl for shit, find length!!!
Worse than Hauritz. One funny fucker.
Batting supremo. Pitch it up, wanker!
Too quick, no variation, soon gone.
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Andrew Flintoff, Bangladesh, England, ICC, ICC Rankings, Jacob Oram, Jacques Kallis, New Zealand, odi, Shakib Al Hasan, South Africa, Stupid Cunts
Shakib Al Hasan is now top of the ICC’s ODI All-rounders list, ahead of Jacques Kallis, Andrew Flintoff and Jacob Oram.
Now, don’t get me wrong, the boy’s got talent, but top? fuck right off.
If you had to pick a guy to rescue an innings against top quality opposition, who would you pick?
If you had to choose a bowler to go for next to no runs on all wickets?
Someone to scare the bejeesus out of middle order batsman?
It ain’t fucking Shakib, I can tell you that much.
Come on now, we all know the ICC rankings are shit, but this takes the piss.
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Ajantha Mendis, Andrew Flintoff, Church Of Sehwagology, Cricket, Gautam Gambhir, Kevin Pietersen, MS Dhoni, Muttiah Muralitharan, Nathan Bracken, odi, Sehwagology, Sohail Tanvir, stuart broad, Virender Sehwag, Younis Khan, Yuvraj Singh
Top run scorer, firenghi lookalike, allround 2008 superstar.
Again, if you disagree, I will come down on you harder than the Spanish Inquisition!
Averaged 54, with a strike rate of 94. Top batting against subcontinental superstars this year.
Captained The England to a magnificent series win against South Africa, whilst smashing them everywhere. Is about the only player in The England who can actually play botf formats of the game.
Annoying prick. Destroyer of The England. Averaged 108 against us. Useful left arm filth too.
MS Dhoni (Wk) Capt.
Winner. Of. The. World.
Along with Pietersen, mangled South Africa. Averaged 50 with the bat, and 21 with the ball in 2008. That is stunningly good.
Breakthrough year for Ricky Schroder, took 32 wickets at 25 and averages over 20 with the bat. A good solid no 8.
Consistently Australia’s best ODI bowler. 31 wickets at 18. If only he didn’t look like a fucking girl.
Brilliant in all short forms of the game. Bowls off the wrong foot, weird windmill action, and looks like an actionman.
What can you say about a man who took 48 wickets at 10.16. Just freakishly good. He’ll get worked out soon, and that average will rise, but don’t expect it to rise too much. This boy has a world of talent.
Probably the only year in the last 10 that this fella didn’t make it into my side. But if it was a spinning track, I’d go with two spinners, and he’d be second choice.
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Alastair Cook, Andrew Flintoff, Andrew Strauss, BCCI, Chakh De India, Charlie Brooker, Cricket, ECB, First Test, Gautam Gambhir, Greame Swann, Ian Bell, india, james anderson, jimmy anderson, Kevin Pietersen, Little master, mahendra Singh Dhoni, Matt Prior, Mohali, Monty Panesar, MS Dhoni, paul collingwood, Sachin tendulkar, Steve Harmison, The England, Virender Sehwag, Yuvraj Singh
One really should have time to process that sort of result, before jumping on tinternet to post, but you know what, fuck it, that’s not my style.
Firstly, congratulations to India, on an unprecedented fourth innings chase on Indian soil. You boys, under that young buck Dhoni, have BALLS OF STEEL!
Secondly, The England, you can all fuck right off, you bunch of jumped up little pissdrips. How the fuck do you lose a game from that position? By being weak cunts, that’s how. I’d like to rip your fucking hearts out, and stamp on them wearing my cricket spikes.
I’m gonna take it easy on three, maybe four people, the rest of you deserve to be HULK SMASHED into oblivion.
Andrew Strauss. You sir, get a slight reprieve, although a good fucking slap is required so you can get a pissing move on! All of the Indian team seemed capable of batting at strike rate of over 50, yet you couldn’t.
Alastair Cook. You mascara wearing little fucktard. Learn to hit over the top, learn to sweep, or piss off and die, you shitting cockface.
Ian Bell. The Sherminator should be sherminated. Get Shah in, and let this ineffectual, whining little snotface rot in the bog of eternal stench.
Kevin Pietersen. The man is a cunt. Can’t bat in the sub-continent (Averages under 30), and needs to learn, fast. I let him off as a skipper, as he does have three bowlers who are too fucking impotent, that even Viagara wouldn’t help em.
Paul Collingwood. Just give it up, please! Too fucking slow, too fucking ugly. As Bumble rightly said “if he was playing outside your house, you’d shut the curtains”. Alas, he has to stay as he’s one of only two or three players who can play in the sub-continent.
Andrew Flintoff. He’s not, and hasn’t been for a long time, a batting all-rounder. He’s a bowling all-rounder, and a fucking good one at that. Move him down to seven, and get Prior in before him.
Matt Prior. A batsmen who keeps, nothing more. I’ll let him off for now.
Greame Swann. Deserves to stay, and along with Fred looked like the only person capable of getting a wicket.
James Anderson. You are shit, utterly shit, you may even be crafted entirely of shit. Grow some balls, or fuck off. You get the full suave smashing.
Steve Harmison. CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT. I know, let’s bowl short and wide of off stump to Sehwag, he’ll do fuck all with that.
Monty Panesar. PRICK. PRICK. PRICK. Every time I see this big handed bambi twat, I want a smash an empty beer glass right into his bearded face.
India, here at La Republique, I salute you.
Chakh De India!
Special mention goes to Virender Sehwag, for being a god. Gautam Gambhir, for looking like a ferenghi, but being fucking good with it, Tendulkar, for being un-fucking-believable for so long, and to Yuvraj, for being such a swaggering man cock.
More on India individually later, as they deserve no rage.
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Andrew Flintoff, jimmy anderson, Matt Prior, Steve Harmison, stuart broad
How fucking dare they… That’s what I say.
How very dare they have a perfect ODI. Bowl the opposition out for under a hundred and knock off the score for no wickets down. Dirty The English Bastards!
Seriously, I’m happy as a pig in shit. What a performance. Stuart Broad was world class, his line and length were McGrath like, and the boy ran and ran and ran until he looked like he was going to be sick. Then you had Fred & Harmison bowling quick and dangerously at the other end. I’d rather not face that me sen.
The other massive positive was Matt Prior. His keeping was exceptional, and the catch he took away to his left was stunning (if he learns to do that to his right, he’s made). To follow it up with 45no, streaky, but the scorecards don’t say that. Top job foreign wanky wicky.
My only real concern is Jimmy Anderson though. Two games, 8 overs, 44 runs, at 5.5 an over. Carry on like that girly boy, and Suave’s a gonna smash ya!
I’m in all sorts of pain today, slightly less so than yesterday, but still, it’s making me angry. Today’s game, however has made the sun shine brightly. I finished work at 3.30 CET, which was when the game kicked off, I got four beers inside me, and The England have spanked the Saffers. Life is good. It’s difficult to be too angry after all that, but the rage is flowing; by flowing, I mean trickling. A nod is a good as a wink to a blind man, no what I mean?.
A big hello to Spearpoint, and an apology for not answering sooner, but you’re South African and nice, and that has confused me no end 😉
Now fuck off you ungrateful bastards.