Suave's Republique Cricket


Jimmy Fucking Anderson
Fuck me the boy's got good!!

Please be good against the big boys Jimmy!

Somewhere along the lines, my thought process has changed.  Not necessarily for the better to be fair.

I used to hate Greame Smith, now I don’t mind him.

I spent many long hours wanting to smash Jimmy Anderson’s head in, now I don’t.

This is perturbing.

Alas, as we get older, we grow wiser.  Well some of us.  By us,  I mean you lot, not me, obviously, or Ian Botham, we’re both pickle brained fucknuts, but I digress.

I now believe we have a good opening bowler.

This is a man who has learnt to swing the ball both ways at pace.

That my friends, is fucking dangerous.

He averaged 29.84 for 2008, and is currently averaging 26.85 for 2009.   Pretty good figures them.

But, before Ceci jumps on me, for hypocrisy (I rather bagged him back in March over at the Lovely King Cricket).  Let’s look at his averages again.

Since 2006/7 Ashes.

Series Average Strike Rate
Aus v Eng

82.6

112

Eng v Ind

35.5

62.7

Eng v SL

83.5

116

NZ v Eng

35.57

44.2

Eng v NZ

19.31

32.6

Eng v SA

33.93

69.3

Ind v Eng

53.5

109.5

WI v Eng

38

86

Eng v WI

17.72

35.1

Home

37.992

63.14

Away

52.418

87.925

Overall

44.403

74.155556

Still not good enough I’m afraid..

Compare his stats to Mitchell Johnson, or Dale Steyn, or Ishant Sharma, or Shane Bond, or Peter Siddle.  He doesn’t compare.

I want fast/swing bowling that actually smashes peoples jaws, stumps and batsman’s confidence.

Jimmy’s not there yet.  I hope he gets there, because it’ll be a blast seeing him uprooting off-stumps of Aussies this summer, but he’s yet to do anything significant against any of the top 5.

It’s all well and good smashing Kiwi’s & Windies players who don’t want to be here, but can you smash the Aussies or the Saffers (who we face this winter).

That’ll be the true test of his character.

So I’ll hold out on the Jimmy Anderson Wankfest until early 2010 if you don’t mind.



Test Team Of The Year 2008

Greame Smith.

This should be obvious.  Scored shitloads of runs, is the best 4th innings batsman in world cricket.  If you had a run chase, you’d want this man in there.

Virender Sehwag.

Is the leader of the Church Of Sehwagology, and no more needs to be said.  Any that disagree on this selection, get burned at the stake like the witches they are!

Gautham Gambhir

Averaged over 70 for the year.   Was not out under 55mins once this year.  Scored at a clip of at least 3 rpo in every innings.

Kevin Pietersen

This was a tough choice.  It was either KP or Sachin.  Sachin’s probably appeared in a billion others top test team, so I went with KP.  KP averaged a couple of points higher, scored about 50 runs less, it was that close.  KP gets it, for being more innovative.  That switch hit, is a thing of beauty.

Shivnarine Chanderpaul

Lord Megachief of Gold averages 105 for the last two years.  More difficult to get out, than bloodstains on a fresh white carpet.  Is part of the holy trinity too, so you burn, if you disagree.

M S Dhoni (Wk) Captain

Dhoni, is actually the worst wicket keeper out of the top five sides.   Boucher, Haddin & McCullum all had more dismissals than him.  Even wanky wicky Ambrose has a higher percentage of dismissals per innings.  So as a keeper, he’s a bit shite.   But…  The boy’s got balls of steel, can bat beautifully, and is a marvellous captain.  So for that reason, he’s in.

Andrew Flintoff

He get’s the all-rounder nod, because I love him, and want his children.  The 10 deliveries that scared shitless, Jacques Kallis, one of the worlds best batsman, at Edgbaston should be enough.

Dale Steyn

74 wickets at 20.  Fast, accurate and strangely for a South African, humble and pleasant.

Mitchell Johnson

Is easily the best bowler in Australia, and was second highest wicket taker in world cricket this year.  If he can learn to swing the ball at his pace, he will be unplayable.

Ryan Sidebottom

Easily forgotten, since his injuries, but was amazing all winter, and most of early summer.  He picked up 47 wickets in 8 test matches at an average of 20.2, that my friends is quality bowling.   The boy can swing it too.  Let’s hope that the bad back sorts itself out, and that he’s firing for The England again soon.

Ajantha Mendis

Because he’s a freak.  Because he’s Splendid Mendis, and as he’s part of the Holy Trinity of The Church Of Sehwagology, you have to have him in the side.

12th Man.

I’ve gone for Hashim Amla.  So improved this year.  Was a lovely batsman to watch.

So there you have it.  Suave’s suavest XI.  You can disagree if you like, just add your comments.

Remember though, if you do disagree, I will have to hulk smash you!

Much love.



You god bothering twat.
July 18, 2008, 12:11 pm
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: , , , , , ,

Billy Bowden is a knob head.

Cook was about six inches away from that ball that hit his thigh pad.

I’m fucking livid about that.  I feel like smashing his nerdy, invisible friend loving face in.  The freak.

Test matches aren’t about you, you talentless halfwit.  It’s about the 22 talented fellas, who rely on their skill, unlike you, you fucking show pony.

Prick.

Bollocks, now Vaughan’s out again.  MV is Steyn’s bunny.



A proper preview on England v South Africa

As a hardhitting journalist, with a vast array of cricket knowledge, I’ve decided to do a real piece of hardhitting journalism.

By hardhitting journalism, I mean, me talking shit about a weird dream I had the other night.  It basically involved a cricketer of some repute following me around for eternity, performing his best shot, everytime I needed a pick me up.  So I shall expand on that weird night, and add what I would have all of the The England and South African team doing if each of them had to stick by my side.

1 Alastair Cook

This young buck will apply eyeliner to me or my friends whenever required.  He’s obviously very adept at this.  See here for more.

2 Andrew Strauss

He will wear a biggles outfit during the day, with the flappy scarf and things, entertaining my republican army.  When required posh lad will dress up in full evening suit, and smoke cigarettes through an antique cigarette holder, whilst supplying me with the finest brandies, wines and champagnes.  It will be a suave double team, and a bally good show.

3 Michael Vaughan (capt)

Mr Vaughan is bound for life to perform a classy cover drive when I need him to, and to miss a straight one when I need a laugh.  Good times.

4 Kevin Pietersen

KP is required to watch while I make love to his wife for all of eternity.  See Morne Morkel’s details for added extras to this scenario.  Strauss will also be in the corner, pouring my drinks and keeping me in cigarettes for the night!

5 Ian Bell

This little fuckstick is to throw roses at my feet until the end of time.  Just like those lovely ladies in Coming to America.

6 Paul Collingwood

Is to forever follow me, as leader of Suave’s ageing ginger all-rounder army.  He will protect me from abybody silly enough to attack our beloved and benevolent Suave leader.

7 Tim Ambrose (wk)

Wanky wicky is to stay behind me at all times in case I drop anything.  I lose on average about £30 a month, dropping money out of my pockets.  Little wanky wicky will stop all that, and give ole Suave another lunchtime on the pop a month. Well done that boy.

8 Stuart Broad

Young broadywoady pudding and pie, is to spend the rest of his days making sure Suave’s hair is in a perfectly coiffured state.  This bucl already spends so much time on his own hair, I’m sure he’ll service mine beautifully.

9 Ryan Sidebottom

Mr Sidebottom will accompany Suave to every gig he goes to in futues, and will supply the hair when I cut mine off.  Whenever I cut my hair short, the thing I hate most about gigs, is not being able to shake the hair.  Ryan will provide this service.

10 Monty Panesar

Any and every time Suave performs something of note, of excellence (as you can imagine this would be an extremely busy job for the montster), he will high five me in his inimitable way.  Wahey Monty!

11 James Anderson

Will be permanently by my side, until I’ve learnt what makes him the quick, snplayable bastard he can be. Once I’ve learnt that, I will train him to do that EVERY time he plays.

1 Graeme Smith (capt)

Bear like left hander, will spend time immortal licking the shit off my shoe, every time I inadvertently tread in some bastard dogs do doo.

2 Neil McKenzie

Old mentalist is to be by my side to ensure that my madness pales in to insignificance next to his, the crazy arsed fucker.  I have a reasonably small version of OCD.  So Mackenzie would make me look normal.

3 Hashim Amla

Amla is to join me on every flight with a budget airline I ever take from now on.  He will sit by the window, I will sit on the aisle seat, guarenteeing that no fat, smelly people sit in the middle, and I can stretch out to my hearts content, or until people stop worrying that bearded muslims are going to blow up any and every motherfucking that moves.

4 Jacques Kallis

This boring twat is to break down an innnings of his, every time I suffer from insomnia, so that Suave can keep his beauty sleep to the necessary 8 hours.   Instant karma, Suave is still beautiful.  I win.

5 Ashwell Prince

Ashwell is to do a similar job to JK but for afternoon naps.  He will come out to bat, and instantly send me into a lovely deep afternoon snooze.

6 AB de Villiers

Vehement letter C denier, will be my golf partner, if I ever take up the stupid, boring, fucking aimless game.  As a scratch golfer, he’ll be able to cover up my inadequecies and ensure that Suave still looks Suave in plus fours.

7 Mark Boucher (wk)

This wicket keeper is to stand behind any of my annoying colleagues constantly chirping in their ears, whenever the fuckers start telling me about their love of computer games, porn or cars.  Boucher will chirp away at them, telling them what useless lives they have, and that they should remove their gene pool from society.

8 Morne Morkel

Supervillain is required to laugh maniacally whenever I get the rage, and anything Evil is about to happen.  Which as most of you lot have realised, is quite regularly.  Get that larynx working you big fucker!

9 Paul Harris

It’s getting a struggle now, fuck me.  Paul Harris appears to have no talents at all, so I’m going to stick him behind my private bar, to serve me drinks for the rest of time.  Most of my local pubs now have saffers behind the ramp, and they work hard, so that’s it for this left arm tweaker.

10 Dale Steyn

To bowl fiery full, swinging deliveries into the legs of anyone getting in my way whilst walking.  Suave is a very quick walker, and hates slow people getting in his way.  Utilising his pace, will clear the way for me to get where i’m going in good time

11 Makhaya Ntini.

What can I get the convicted rapist to do, for ole suavey wauvey?  I don’t need any rape in my life thank you very much.  As Ntini likes to run from the ground to his hotel after tests, I will use him in emergency traffic situations, if I happen to get stuck in traffic anywhere, Ntini is to turn up and piggy back me to my destination.

I’m spent now, business hours are over!  It’s business, it’s business time!



India in “We can play on turning, slow and low wickets” shocker

India have bowled out The Evil Empire, for 265 in the first innings of the third test.

India need a win, to draw the series, and retain whatever trophy it is they’re playing for (is it the Cronje-Bookies trophy?).

South Africa started brightly, by getting to 152-1, with Bear-like fuckhead, Matthew Hayden wannabe, hitting 69, and Hashim Amla continuing his good run of late (live average of 76.75), with a 51.

They then fell apart and lost the other 9 wickets for 113.

Ashwell (i’m f8cking tedious, me) Prince, carried on in the style we’ve become accustomed too, of late, and now averages 11.5 for the tour.  Evil Morne Morkel averages more!

Oops.

Ishant Sharma, after a shocking start, spraying it around left, right and unfortunately not centre, ended up with 3-55.  Harbhajan Singh took 3-53, and was backed up by Sehwag & Yuvi with their part time spinners.

Sreesanth, the shithead crazy fool, is still fucking rotten though.  Averaging 88 with the ball.  Now when you look at that compared to any of the Saffer quicks, you’ll see that it’s pony and trap.

Morkel averages 45, Ntini, 21 & Steyn 18.

This should be the sort of pitch, that Indian batsman thrive on, but it’s not going to be easy.  They’ll be facing probably the best fast bowling attack in world cricket at the minute, and the pitch seems to have all sorts of Gremlins.  SA really need to get their lines right though, as they only have Harris for spin, if the seamers fail.

Game on.



India in “Bejaasus, we’ve been spanked like a tory politician!”

Jaffer, textbook defence to a short ball from SA.

India, after capitulating so terribly on the first day’s play, have metaphorically been handed their arses on a plate, by an angry South Africa.

I reckon they were pissed off at having to bowl for three days on a shitty road, in the last test match. No fast bowler likes that sort of thing.

So they took their frustrations out on India in this one.

India have lost by an innings at 90 runs, inside three days. Ha!! That’s appalling. (To any of my Indian viewers, feel free to abuse me all you like, if SA do the same to The England, in this summers forthcoming test series!)

All round, this is a shoddy performance, from an overworked side. These guys should be looking for a rest after this test series, but they won’t get one, as the greedy f*ckers have all jumped on the IPL’s big bucks wagon..

Winners

Vehement letter C denier, A B De Villiers, scored a superb double century, and was ably supported by the most boring batsmen, ever to have lived, Jacques Kallis (close run thing between Kallis and Boycott, but Boycott edges him out, by being a funny old bastard).

The best quick in world cricket at present, Dale Steyn also took 8 wickets in the match, with superb pace bowling. He mixes his length, pace, and angles superbly, and looks so much smarter than most other quicks. He’s got about three different paced bouncers, which is horrible to face as batsman. Averaging 21.41 with a strike rate of 35. Scarily good.

Makhaya (I never touched her) Ntini. A good display from their most experienced bowler, with six important wickets in the match.

Irfan Pathan. Ended the match with 64 no. Two innings, not out both times. However, like the rest of the Indian fasts, he was poor with the ball.

Losers

The Indian top four. Jaffer, Sehwag, Dravid & Laxman. 109 runs from two innings, from that quartet of quality. That’s shit, with a capital SHIT!

The Indian pace attack. Sreesanth, RP Singh & Pathan. Three quick bowlers took 2 for 249. Compare that to South Africa’s quartet, who took 19 for 309, and you see where it all went wrong.

Conclusion

Gary Kirsten has a shit load of work to do before the final test, if India are to salvage a drawn series here. They will be missing Sachin again, so the top four really need to step up. Sehwag’s OK, after his mammoth score last test, but Jaffer, Dravid & Laxman need to start scoring big, and scoring at a decent clip.

Their fast bowlers look out of sorts, RP Singh especially, he’s looked shit in both of these test matches, and really needs to up his game, to return to the form he showed against The England last summer.



India in “We can’t play on anything but featherbeds”, shocker

Tickets please, onwards mighty fail boat!

Well f*ck my old boots, India have been beaten like their daddies should have done.

A test innings over in under 20overs, that my friends is proper fucking shite!

120 balls.  that’s full blown rape and pillaging.

Steyn, Ntini & Morkel must have been very angry this morning, because they ripped through the Indian line up, like a hot knife through butter.

There is no finer sight in cricket, than fired up quicks, ripping teams apart, and making them cry like babies.  That has well and truly happened here.

If reports are to be believed, Kumble was unhappy with the groundsman leaving grass on the wicket.  Which makes me think, why on earth would you choose to bat first on a green wicket, that has moisture in it, against one of the best seam attacks in the world (you have no idea, how hard it was to type that! I feel unclean), on day one of a test match.

It wasn’t all brilliant bowling, (although it was brilliant bowling), according to them that watched it, the shot selection of a few players was suspect.

Oops.

In reply The Evil Empire have scored 84/1 off 16 overs.

After yesterdays debarcle, where I struggled to write my own name, today has come as welcome respite.

Test cricket at it’s finest.